Husband was messaging men on Grindr

[caro298]

Hi I hope someone can offer me some advice. I have been with my husband for 20 years , met him when I was young and we have 3 children together. 2 of which are older and now at university and one younger child at 3 (big gap I know) Although I love my husband. I have always felt like there is something a bit off about our relationship. When I had my first baby we were living with his parents and one day he asked me to bring his phone up from downstairs. I got the phone and noticed the following message on the way upstairs : Hi , I havent heard from you much lately , do you want to finish up ? I asked him about it , he was a bit defensive and I had a shower. When I got out of the shower, he showed me his phone and the same number texted him to say 'sorry, wrong number'. I felt a bit suspicious but put it to one side. Fast forward to us getting our own place and one day I discover some gay porn on his phone. his reply was , oh someone sent it as a joke , stop acting crazy. Again I put this to one side but was starting to get suspicious about him. A few years later I discover him texting while drunk at 2am to a random number ' can i meet you' I asked him about it and he said it was his friend. Years later I found out that text was to a gay man whom he kind of knew as a friend I guess. He seemed to have an answer for everything and I suppose without concrete evidence I decided to let these small clues go. Anyway , after the birth of our 3rd child about 5 months or so after, I find he has a Grindr account and has been flirting with men online and I also noticed some whatsapp video calls , both ways late at night one weekend when I was away with the kids. they were to random numbers. I confronted him and he said he has never ever met up with anyone , he was just looking for attention as we werent having a lot of sex (which is true) I had bad anxiety after having my baby and to be honest just never felt like it. He is a great dad but I would say there are a lot of times when he has hurt my feelings like for example he always speaks bad about my family if we have an argument. My family are lovely he has no reason to do this but it really hurts me. He has never really given me any compliments about my appearance and other people have told me I am a good looking girl etc . I should say though he also seems to like women as I have found him looking at straight stuff in the past too. My question is , am i crazy for staying in a relationship like this ? Do I believe that he is just bi curious and move on or is there more to it. I feel I cant trust him anymore and it is making me quite miserable but I also feel if I split up I would be losing my best friend too as this relationship is all I have ever known. I wish i could know for sure about him. He denies being gay but being on grindr is not something a straight guy would do. It would have been easier if he had had an affair with a woman as crazy as that sounds.

Thanks everyone. I actually feel a bit better about all my doubts now. I spoke to a relate counseller when I first found the account and the counseller told me that men can have all sorts of kinks when it comes to sexual desires and that I shouldnt jump to conclusions. Going by eveyones response , I think my initial thoughts were right. 1. A straight guy would not consistently be looking up gay stuff ( any straight guys on here that can confirm that?)and 2. he doesnt respect me enough as his life partner by even looking in the first place. I think this is all I need to know really. I think leaving could be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life as I will miss the friendship especially but I also dont want to end up a bitter old lady that hates the fact I never acted on my intuition. Maybe its better to be unhappy alone than unhappy in a relationship. I am so angry at him for being deceitful. He has probably taken the best years of my life when I could have had a happy relationship with someone else.

I think you'd be mad to stay in this relationship. This would be marriage ending material for me.

But get your financials in order first.

Hello OP not being judgmental here can I ask your ethnicity? And your DHs, I mean he’s 100% gay, but recently a family member of mine we are from South Asian origin, after 20 years married and 4 kids has come out as gay. He said he hid his sexuality as he was the only son and he wanted to do what was expected of him. He and his wife live together for the kids now. But he has his own life has she her’s.

Sounds like he’s been asking gay men to meet him for over 20 years. I’d be suprised if he’d been blown out everyone of those times. I have a gay friend that uses grinder. There is very little flirting, it’s very straight forward. Match, show each others genitals then meet up if you like what you see.

As far as I’m aware they don’t use the apps like woman for the ego trip/ boredom etc. They use when they are looking to meet and have sex.

I think this too, men aren’t complex nuanced creatures.

It’s not your fault if you do split up, you didn’t do anything wrong.

OP I think you are realising that the depression and anxiety you’ve felt for many years is due to uncertainty about your husbands sexuality
Its a massive issue to process
Please get yourself checked for STDs , he’s meeting men and that leaves you vulnerable
I don’t know if there’s a future together for you that doesn’t involve you being hurt more.
You have the right to a partner who you can love and TrUST

Only you can decide if you can live with this weight of uncertainty any longer

Think about your sexual health and his double life.
Do you know how promiscuous gay men are, how selfish and self-centred is your partner not to tell you he is bi.
He is hiding his double life.
I hope for your sake you never contract hiv, but surely you could being the dishonest deceitful guy he is.
I couldn't and wouldn't accept someones double life as something to be part of.
It has been going on but hidden from you since when?
Go test yourself please.

End it. Don’t waste any more of your life on this one. He’s a liar and a cheat, regardless of who it’s with.

I wonder how much of your depression and anxiety is linked to your fear and uncertainty in your relationship.
He is 100% at least bi sexual and that's at best. Grindr isn't known for its long term relationship building but more like a quick sexual hook up site.

Your DH has spent 20 years manipulating you and your reality of the relationship you are living in.

That is what is driving your fear. Your inability to trust your own intuition.

From my experience it was much worse being lonely in a relationship and being cheated on and treated like crap than being alone.

It was at times lonely, scary and difficult. But it was much better for my mental health and life goals and plans being by myself and building a life I wanted for my child and I.

This is a situation you have lived with for along time. You don't need to leave tomorrow. You need to now emotionally disconnect. Accept you probably will never know the full truth. You don't need to all you need to know is this relationship is not working for your own good. Then start to plan logistics, do you work? What about your house do you own or rent?

Get a new counsellor for you. Start to work on your anxiety and the shit load of trauma you probably haven't even acknowledged let alone worked through from the lying and lack of faith in yourself.

@Hbosh That was a lovely nuanced response. Nice to see someone respond with more than just 'LTB'.

Your thoughts were my experience too upon discovering the then BF was bi. We started counselling to see if this was something we could manage together and if we could still pursue a happy monogamous relationship. I later discovered that even though he'd allegedly stopped talking to his 'friends', he actually hadn't and was even telling them about our counselling sessions as the friends were also married and he wanted to 'help them'. Oh-ok!

As you say it wasn't the sexuality that was the issue, it was the deceit.

As for OP, your choices really are so much wider than 'unhappy with him' or 'unhappy without him'! In fact you might discover a brand new life, free of constant worry, on the other side of this. I certainly did! In fact I can look back now and say that breaking up was the best thing I ever did. I hadn't even realised how much 'weight' I was carrying. It hurt a lot and I spent a year in counselling but it was so lovely to be free.

It might be that you could split up and still remain friends?

I know you've been together 20 years and it's all you know - but do you really want this for the next 20 years as well?

Say you're in your late 30s/40s, you have the next half of your life in front of you.

He's not going to change and stop looking at gay porn and stop having hook-ups if he is (which seems likely) - he's done this most of your marriage.

Maybe it's time to live for yourself a bit more and think about how you want the rest of your life to look?

I think many people are scared of being alone. I would suggest counselling for yourself to unpick it all as you sound confused. His behaviour is hurtful cheating is cheating. Sti check definitely. You both need an honest conversation. Maybe you both need to admit what you think. He can’t have you and live life how he wants.

He makes me feel sick and I don't even know him.

It's all lies about wanting attention.

Why not sit down with his wife and discuss ways to spend more time together rather than go on some seedy homosexual app that specialises I casual sex for men?

I don't know how you would want to breathe the same air as him.

Bottom line, no pun intended is that he prefers male bottoms over your female form and you deserve someone who wants you and only you.

He's living a lie. Set him free.

I recently caught my husband using Grindr & I read his messages & he admitted he has this fetish or addiction to having sex with men, & he said he figured I would not get as upset & possibly wouldn’t leave him since it was not another woman & he is not emotionally involved it’s just strange sex which I know he’s always been a very sexual person & loved it back when we went to swinger clubs but that just wasn’t me I tried to indulge in his fantasies with strict rules but I just couldn’t handle it & since I quit participating in that stuff he has resorted to this Grindr stuff. I can not begin to describe the inscrutiating pain I’m feeling I can’t get outta bed this is killing me & I don’t know what to do. He wants to stop & wants me to help him get thru this addiction & for the first time ever he wants to work on our marriage. So ultimately I think I have decided maybe I am going to try & forgive him, I still love him so very much, we have a daughter & she & I would have nowhere to go, I am a stay at home mom & he deals with all the finances I have no idea about any of it as he doesn’t share any of that with me & I just don’t have a clue how to even get started on my own & did not want this to affect my daughter negatively in any way & if I leave I will not be able to give her the life or home she has now, I feel I need to put her first & try to suck it up & pretend all is normal & see if we can rebuild our marriage as he’s willing to put forth effort for the first time in working on us when I’ve been begging for years just to be ignored. But this shit hurts BAD it’s indescribable the hurt & betrayal by this man I love unconditionally. He swears he is done with it. Of course I have my doubts but I just really would like to ask is there ANYONE on here reading this that has been through this, chosen to stay & work through it? Did it work out? Where are y’all now? Would just like some advice please especially from anyone who has been thru this bc I can’t talk to anyone about this & I desperately need help, I feel like I am dying inside I wish this situation on no one!

Who he’s messaging/cheating with isn’t the issue, OP, it’s the fact that he’s cheating.

I think it’s time to reevaluate what you want from your marriage. If you’re happy to have an open relationship or just be friends parenting together, that’s fine, but if you’re not, start thinking about ending the relationship and what you want to do next. You don’t have to remain with your husband if you’re not happy with his behavior and it’s irrelevant why he’s doing it, eg., for attention.

Op, your husband is either gay or bisexual and you know it.

Please please please get a sexual health check - for everything.

I doubt you’ll get a clear answer as this man has been lying to you for years. So unless you have concrete proof, he’ll continue to lie.

I’m so sorry you’re living like this. What an awful position to be in. There are no words but I’m sorry.

I hope you and your daughter get the happy ending you deserve

He's been cheating and lying for over 19 years! It's no surprise you've felt uneasy in your relationship, anxious and depressed.

I would not be able to forgive the contempt this shows for you and your marriage. No matter how 'good' other aspects of this life have been, the simple truth is that it has never been his emotional or sexual priority. And he has systematically lied to you throughout.

You deserve more than to be second best. Get angry. You'll feel better.

@Ashes1623 you'd be better starting your own thread. This is an old thread and most people will reply to the OP & not see your post

Oops, I didn't notice the dates! Wonder how @caro298's coming along?

This. Get tested for STI's. If apart from all of his lies and deception you get on well, why not divorce and instead remain good friends. You have DC together so will need at least some contact. In divorcing him you can move forward. You might yet find a man that is honest and loves you and no one else.

It’s actually super common tbh; I have a very ‘open’ life and have met many men over the years (not in a sexual capacity!) who have told me they regularly meet men behind their partners backs.

a bi friend of mine uses Grindr for hook ups and he tells me most men he hooks up with are married or in a LTR with a woman. You’ll find most men who use Grindr would tell you the same thing

however… no woman wants to be living in a lie and I hate the deceit around guys doing this, so you have my every sympathy.

OK, I asked a straight man who is not my husband who is away with work. He was slightly evasive on whether he had "ever" looked at gay porn but I think it was teenage curiosity and definitely not a continuous thing. As for getting male attention on grindr, he couldnt say of course not quick enough. It turned out that he was definitely a "boobs" man - who'd have thought?

He swears he just did it for attention and that to him it wasnt as bad as getting attention from women.

😂😂😂

@caro298 come on, OP. I know you want to believe the best case scenario, but just read that again. He’s gay/bi. No straight man on earth would even say this, let alone do it.

How old is he? It’s less usual these days for people to get into straight marriages feeling they have to hide it, but it still happens. Or perhaps he’s bi and selfish so hasn’t been able to stop himself from having the best of both.

A friend of mine went through hell with an abusive and selfish ex who was cheating on her with other women and, in the end she found out, other men. He ended up shacked up with some old paedo bloke that was grooming him, it was pretty grim stuff.