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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband was messaging men on Grindr

62 replies

caro298 · 03/11/2023 12:14

Hi I hope someone can offer me some advice. I have been with my husband for 20 years , met him when I was young and we have 3 children together. 2 of which are older and now at university and one younger child at 3 (big gap I know) Although I love my husband. I have always felt like there is something a bit off about our relationship. When I had my first baby we were living with his parents and one day he asked me to bring his phone up from downstairs. I got the phone and noticed the following message on the way upstairs : Hi , I havent heard from you much lately , do you want to finish up ? I asked him about it , he was a bit defensive and I had a shower. When I got out of the shower, he showed me his phone and the same number texted him to say 'sorry, wrong number'. I felt a bit suspicious but put it to one side. Fast forward to us getting our own place and one day I discover some gay porn on his phone. his reply was , oh someone sent it as a joke , stop acting crazy. Again I put this to one side but was starting to get suspicious about him. A few years later I discover him texting while drunk at 2am to a random number ' can i meet you' I asked him about it and he said it was his friend. Years later I found out that text was to a gay man whom he kind of knew as a friend I guess. He seemed to have an answer for everything and I suppose without concrete evidence I decided to let these small clues go. Anyway , after the birth of our 3rd child about 5 months or so after, I find he has a Grindr account and has been flirting with men online and I also noticed some whatsapp video calls , both ways late at night one weekend when I was away with the kids. they were to random numbers. I confronted him and he said he has never ever met up with anyone , he was just looking for attention as we werent having a lot of sex (which is true) I had bad anxiety after having my baby and to be honest just never felt like it. He is a great dad but I would say there are a lot of times when he has hurt my feelings like for example he always speaks bad about my family if we have an argument. My family are lovely he has no reason to do this but it really hurts me. He has never really given me any compliments about my appearance and other people have told me I am a good looking girl etc . I should say though he also seems to like women as I have found him looking at straight stuff in the past too. My question is , am i crazy for staying in a relationship like this ? Do I believe that he is just bi curious and move on or is there more to it. I feel I cant trust him anymore and it is making me quite miserable but I also feel if I split up I would be losing my best friend too as this relationship is all I have ever known. I wish i could know for sure about him. He denies being gay but being on grindr is not something a straight guy would do. It would have been easier if he had had an affair with a woman as crazy as that sounds.

OP posts:
caro298 · 16/12/2023 10:03

Hi everyone , I am still in the relationship however I have had a definite shift in how I view this man now and I guess I am taking my time to emotionally detach from him romantically for when the time comes that I choose to leave. Financially , it's not the time and emotionally either so now it's me that's being a bit deceptive and playing a game. I do think he is bisexual though and not gay. But still , I don't know for sure about anything , only that he was on Grindr. The deception and lying is what gets me. How selfish to not fully disclose to me all those years ago about this that he likes both! I think it's narcissistic actually. I am concentrating on me though , I have applied to do a course which would allow me to get a professional career with good prospects given me a bit more confidence to make the move to be on my own if I need to be. I guess I'm in limbo but I'm working on a contingency plan. Also, if a guy flirts with me now which has happened in the past I won't be so quick to put them off , loyalty got me nowhere in the past 20 years !

OP posts:
HamBone · 16/12/2023 14:34

Milliemoos5 · 16/12/2023 03:00

It’s actually super common tbh; I have a very ‘open’ life and have met many men over the years (not in a sexual capacity!) who have told me they regularly meet men behind their partners backs.

a bi friend of mine uses Grindr for hook ups and he tells me most men he hooks up with are married or in a LTR with a woman. You’ll find most men who use Grindr would tell you the same thing

however… no woman wants to be living in a lie and I hate the deceit around guys doing this, so you have my every sympathy.

@Milliemoos5 It’s so insulting towards their long term partners, isn’t it. Lying and sneaking around behind their partners’ backs, instead of being honest and giving their partners a choice as to whether they want to continue the relationship. Who they’re cheating with is irrelevant, it’s the fact that they’re cheating and outwardly pretending to be faithful that’s so shitty.

ProfCee · 17/12/2023 04:02

This happened to a friend of mine... Her partner of 30 years was busted with a Twitter profile seeking casual sex with local men.
He'd posted numerous pictures of himself that left nothing to the imagination (and no question as to whether it was him). He'd direct tweeted loads of really young guys (teenagers) and he was in his 50's at the time.
Anyway, when my friend confronted him, he completely denied it was him - said he'd been hacked 🙄
Because he'd refused to admit anything, they are still together to this day....

Gillypie23 · 17/12/2023 05:33

Your husband is gay but in denial

JAY89J · 20/01/2024 17:19

He won't change, I'm afraid. You deserve better. He's wasted the best years of your life when you could have been with someone who adored you in every sense. No relationship is a good relationship if the female is on a website asking for advice over her husbands previous homosexual msgs. Men are horn dogs, and the likely fact will be that he's got too used to getting the sex whenever he wants it. There are straight men who only want the sexual side of being with other men and not the romantic. This is just out of sheer convenience and the fact that the easiest life is being straight. How great being someone they settle on, eh? Either way, it is only him who wins as he still has to be shared. I would do all the wrong things in your situation, so as long as you remain graceful, then he can't fling it back in your face. I would say whoever he does, I get to do as well.😆 In all seriousness, though, you have plenteous of time to restart a romantic relationship again with someone, and if not, just work on finding out about what you like, sexually and non sexual. Karma will catch up with him.
I wonder, have you tried couples therapy? Being in a safe space with a mediator may be a way for him to be able to fully disclose his actions. I would hire private investigators and track his msgs, etc. The FBI couldn't do as good of a job as I could've done. 😆 Just never let him know your next move, though, as I can bet that he's being extra careful as he knows you're onto him. He may be making sure his own ducks are in a row. Please just think about being happy and how unhappy you have been, or are just now. Because of him and no one else. Loving someone means that you don't hurt them intentionally. If you can't imagine being with another man, never mind a female, sexually, for the fear of breaking his heart, then why can he so easily do it to you? He's cruel and selfish and more so than ever a gas-lighter! Be safe. Good luck.

MrsBrianMay · 20/01/2024 17:35

I knew a couple where it was similar sadly

Got married 2 kids

Turned out he had been giving blow jobs to guys at the gym. And was most def on grindr

We worked together. He told me he had fallen in love with someone. The someone was called Bob.
He left her. And shacked up with Bob. It wax terrible. For her really. But I know he felt terribly guilty. Not enough to stop giving blow jobs in the sauna tho.

It all caused alot of pain.

Sorry this happened to you.

nameForThis99 · 20/01/2024 17:57

But 2 wrongs don’t necessarily make a right .

you are right that he is being deceptive, but so you now, rather than just ending the relationship you are the one now playing games and saying to deal with your own issues your are staying with someone you don’t like anymore

JAY89J · 26/10/2024 13:42

nameForThis99 · 20/01/2024 17:57

But 2 wrongs don’t necessarily make a right .

you are right that he is being deceptive, but so you now, rather than just ending the relationship you are the one now playing games and saying to deal with your own issues your are staying with someone you don’t like anymore

Good. She needs to think of herself now. Be selfish. He certainly was all those years. Maybe if he finds out how much pain you go through, then he won't do it to her again or anyone else he ends up with.

This pain is a deep-rooted, soul crushing, just want to end your existence, type of pain, that you carry forward into every relationship you have with men. You start to look at all men differently. It makes you doubt your whole self, from your personality to your looks. There was a woman on a thread asking if she should get a sex change to help her man stay faithful. My heartbreaks for these women who are nothing but devoted to these selfish men, who somehow see the woman they love every day and can lie to her knowing they've had another human being I side them. My conscious would eat me alive that I think that I would burst into tears and blab the minute that he said hello. But they just act like it's a normal Tuesday. Whilst these men have many problems, their first problem is communication! Why not just tell their partner that they need a break? Or stay single? It's all double standards. This wasn't a one-time thing that he had done either, and then regretted it. He's done it for YEARS! He's probably had more d*ck than her! No way would I then still put his feelings first. If it was an addiction, then that's a lifelong thing with many having relapses. She shouldn't be looking over her shoulder in her own relationship. It's time to be selfish. I've even seen men seek out transgender women because they liked the prostate play, but they still looked somewhat female. But he wanted MEN. He didn't send her pictures. He sent them to MEN. Now she can do what she likes. You never know, a taste of his own medicine might just do the trick.

Bi men are so messy. They scold everyone for rejecting them but almost everything online from them and especially on reddit is them cheating or missing the other gender, and there are even some threads such as "marriedbimen" with different states for those seeking men or stories about them cheating. Women need to be more careful and lurk kn gay apps now and again as there is more than one out there, but most of them are blissfully unaware.

I knew of one girl who was a friend of a friend who had a gay best friend and was really supportive of all LGBTQ+. She had a homophobic boyfriend also. Turns out the best friend had slept with the boyfriend one night, and she had only found out after her friend had a drunken argument with her a whole year after it happened with her boyfriend and him. The friend said something like, "You women just dont get it. We do as we are men, and men need sex and prostate sex is something we can do, but it's not romantic, as it's just a bonding experience." I felt sick when I heard that, and almost felt like I was going through it with her.

I don't know if he did anything else, but taking the gender out of the situation, she still took the betrayal from both of them hard. The boyfriend was a blubbering mess when it all came out, as he knew the trust was gone and he had lost her, but he still put in effort to try at least. He knew he lost a gem because she was a model in looks and had a really great humble personality. Every guy wanted her! He was the jealous, insecure one. She loved him. She had a hard childhood and had built up her own family with him and her friend. She ended up on drugs, but I can't fully put that on him. She just couldn't handle the emotions she was dealing with on her own.

CRgoo · 30/06/2025 20:49

caro298 · 03/11/2023 12:14

Hi I hope someone can offer me some advice. I have been with my husband for 20 years , met him when I was young and we have 3 children together. 2 of which are older and now at university and one younger child at 3 (big gap I know) Although I love my husband. I have always felt like there is something a bit off about our relationship. When I had my first baby we were living with his parents and one day he asked me to bring his phone up from downstairs. I got the phone and noticed the following message on the way upstairs : Hi , I havent heard from you much lately , do you want to finish up ? I asked him about it , he was a bit defensive and I had a shower. When I got out of the shower, he showed me his phone and the same number texted him to say 'sorry, wrong number'. I felt a bit suspicious but put it to one side. Fast forward to us getting our own place and one day I discover some gay porn on his phone. his reply was , oh someone sent it as a joke , stop acting crazy. Again I put this to one side but was starting to get suspicious about him. A few years later I discover him texting while drunk at 2am to a random number ' can i meet you' I asked him about it and he said it was his friend. Years later I found out that text was to a gay man whom he kind of knew as a friend I guess. He seemed to have an answer for everything and I suppose without concrete evidence I decided to let these small clues go. Anyway , after the birth of our 3rd child about 5 months or so after, I find he has a Grindr account and has been flirting with men online and I also noticed some whatsapp video calls , both ways late at night one weekend when I was away with the kids. they were to random numbers. I confronted him and he said he has never ever met up with anyone , he was just looking for attention as we werent having a lot of sex (which is true) I had bad anxiety after having my baby and to be honest just never felt like it. He is a great dad but I would say there are a lot of times when he has hurt my feelings like for example he always speaks bad about my family if we have an argument. My family are lovely he has no reason to do this but it really hurts me. He has never really given me any compliments about my appearance and other people have told me I am a good looking girl etc . I should say though he also seems to like women as I have found him looking at straight stuff in the past too. My question is , am i crazy for staying in a relationship like this ? Do I believe that he is just bi curious and move on or is there more to it. I feel I cant trust him anymore and it is making me quite miserable but I also feel if I split up I would be losing my best friend too as this relationship is all I have ever known. I wish i could know for sure about him. He denies being gay but being on grindr is not something a straight guy would do. It would have been easier if he had had an affair with a woman as crazy as that sounds.

Hi
.how did this end? Did you find out?
If you are in the UK and need help im happy to try and findnhim on Grindr. I have unfortunately had to do it for a few friends and their friends who had concerns let me know however I just hope you are happy

NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 30/06/2025 20:54

He’s gay and unless you are happy with that then you need to get a divorce

but this is a very old thread I’ve just realised

healthybychristmas · 01/07/2025 07:27

It's one thing to accept he's bisexual but it's completely another so know that he is a rampant bisexual! At the very least he is making video calls where he is involved in sexual activity with other men. I cannot believe that this is restricted to video calls. I would never want to have sex again with someone who was having sex with someone else. I wonder whether you have picked up, deep down, that he is not trustworthy and that's why you do not trust him enough to have sex with him.

rwalker · 01/07/2025 07:43

Time for a blunt chat none of this asking and confrontation
TELL HIM you know he’s bi you have a choice you carry on as you are and accept that he will probably be meeting men ( yes some people do have this sort of arrangement) or you separate
tbh there’s only you who knows what you can make peace

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