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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Flowers from ex after heart break

64 replies

autumntravels · 03/11/2023 10:35

My exDP and I were together over 6 years. Both divorced, 2 children each. We met and it just felt right - laughs, respect, love and chemistry with a genuine underlying friendship. A good relationship after previous difficult ones for us both.

Early on we talked about living together, but due to the housing situations, challenges with his ex, custody changes, dynamics between the children and the pandemic it hasn’t happened. The last year has been challenging, with stresses in both our lives. And it created distance…We love each other very much and have had lots of talks about how we might be able to make it work. But this week he told me, in tears and genuinely remorseful, that we need different things and he couldn’t do it anymore. Lots of thanks and I’ll always love you but need space to work on myself and after all we’ve been through can we be friends…and no I don’t think there’s anyone else (really!!)

I understand many of the reasons and are lives are complex. I just really hoped we could make it through together, and told him that. But he can’t. And I do understand.

After the break up conversation I sent a message that I hope he finds what he’s looking for but I need space and time to heal so won’t be I touch for the moment. For me, the feelings are still there and it’s been more painful than I could have imagined. I’m committed to learning from my part in the relationship, growing and moving forward but to do that I need no contact. And time. Even then, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing, and it might be a wait and see.

He replied with a thank you, always love you etc msg. I didn’t reply. Today (4 days later) I get home from work and there are flowers and a card - Thank you for our time together and special memories which he will cherish, he hopes I find peace with our situation and am ok, and I will always be important to him. Love exDP

I don’t know what to do. On one hand I think he is trying to be kind and show he cares, on the other that he is trying to assuage his guilt and wants me to say I’m ok, let’s be friends and support him. And I’m not after a few days no contact - yet anyway.

What should I do? Do I reply and just say thank you? Not reply at all? It’s made me feel confused and guilty for considering no reply, and made me cry again when I was feeling ok tonight!

Thank you for reading and I’d love to hear your stories and words of advice!! Thank you x

OP posts:

BoothsChristmasBook · 03/11/2023 10:38

I'd do nothing at all except give the flowers away. He's a cheat, of course there's someone else. Needs time to work on himself my arse.

madeinmanc · 03/11/2023 10:40

I wouldn't reply personally, or if I did I would say that "like I said, I need space and time". He can't have his cake and eat it, he can't claim your support and reassurance any more than the next person, he's given that up.

But bear in mind I'm a disaster when it comes to interpersonal relationships 😕

BoothsChristmasBook · 03/11/2023 10:41

Sorry if that was very short and blunt but come on, how often is it that a bloke ups and leaves with a load of flannel about regrets and it's not you, it's me etc. There's always someone waiting in the wings, the flowers are an absolute pisstake. You told him to leave you be and he hasn't. Waste no more tears on him

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/11/2023 10:42

First of all I’m sorry that something has ended

it’s always sad and if things were overall good that’s such a shame

but I’d bin flowers and delete all traces and move into the healing ❤️‍🩹
broken hearts eventually heal
but no you can’t be friends and he can’t pop back
just no

BoothsChristmasBook
how are you so sure there really is someone else ? Im not challenging you but sometimes things do turn to shit regardless

sparklefresh · 03/11/2023 10:44

Just leave it. Give the flowers to someone else, a neighbour or friend - don't just bin them, it's wasteful. Don't contact him.

spartanrunnergirl · 03/11/2023 10:51

I'm really sorry for you, you must be feeling upset and tender about it all.

However if you reply ... then he will etc. I do think a healthy first step is to not reply at all, give away or bin the flowers, big deep breath and move forward. Good luck.

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/11/2023 10:54

Put the flowers and card in the bin. Whatever the details, he has dumped you. And it hurts.

I would probably reply, “I know the flowers were meant to be a nice gesture but they just made things worse. Please respect my request for no contact from now on.”

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/11/2023 10:58

I think the flowers are goodbye card closure. They don't need a reply

TeeBee · 03/11/2023 10:58

Just ignore him. I suspect he's trying to show he's a nice guy without thinking how you'll feel staring at those flowers until they eventually die. You've already told him you won't be contacting him so no need to respond. Give the flowers to someone who you want to cheer up. You'll enjoy making them smile.

MillyMolly74 · 03/11/2023 11:03

I would give the flowers away and not contact him. You need time and space to yourself to heal 🌸

MainlyOnThePlain · 03/11/2023 11:03

Sorry you're going through such a shit time. He might have ordered the flowers the same day as the big conversation and they've taken a while to turn up - I don't necessarily think they're an attempt to reopen dialogue.

Give them to a friend or neighbour, and don't respond.

madeinmanc · 03/11/2023 11:07

I think @TeeBee has hit the nail on the head, they're probably to show he's a nice guy who sends flowers and not a bad guy who breaks up with someone. They're a sticking plaster for his self-image.

solice84 · 03/11/2023 11:09

Give them away and continue to go nc with him
Look after yourself op

Mavissdaviss · 03/11/2023 11:10

Oh this is so tough. I would send him a message saying thanks for the thought but you don’t want painful reminders of him popping up into your life when you’re trying to move on. You wish him well but please don’t contact you again.

Sealover123 · 03/11/2023 11:11

Don't reply at all, you've already made it clear you need space now.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 03/11/2023 11:13

Don't reply, no need to bin the flowers if you like them. Be prepared for another woman to pop up soon

MrsJellybee · 03/11/2023 11:15

Don’t reply. Sometimes silence is the best answer.

Gloriously · 03/11/2023 11:15

After the break up conversation I sent a message that I hope he finds what he’s looking for but I need space and time to heal so won’t be I touch for the moment.

I don’t know what to do.

Seems he doesn’t respect your boundaries and continues to breach them in a self serving way.

You told him you wanted NC.

He hasn’t respected this twice now.

IMHO he has upped the ante with the flowers because you put into action NC with no response - he has called an end to the relationship and likely wants to soothe his own guilt rather than comfort yours.

Can you reflect on the relationship objectively and see if this was a pattern all along - were the issues in the relationship really things that didn’t suit him and he was unable to compromise on?

Gloriously · 03/11/2023 11:21

He wants you to THANK HIM - DONT !!!

Original poster

autumntravels · 03/11/2023 11:24

Thanks for the really kind messages everyone. I know you’re right and that no reply is the best way to go.

After reading the card again (I know!!) I realised he actually wrote ‘hope you find peace with our new situation and are ok’. WTF is our new situation?!?!

That made me both sad (yes tears, I know - again!!) and cross because it seems like he is telling me how I should feel and in what timeline…

I know I’m grieving and having to let go of a dream…it’s been years, shared friends and family events, holidays with kids and I really thought we’d make it :(

Especially when ExH remarried quickly (an ex girlfriend), divorced again, introduced the kids to 8 (yes, that’s right!) girlfriends and just moved in with the latest and her kids and seems happy! I’m genuinely over him but just hoped it was my turn after waiting 3 years post divorce to date, not introducing the kids for ages and not moving in together (DD’s 11 and 13). Thank goodness I didn’t though after reading the blended family stories on the step parenting board!!

i so appreciate the solidarity and wisdom. I’ll regift the flowers, get rid of the card and focus on all the lovely things in my life :)

OP posts:

Whatwillnye · 03/11/2023 11:28

If you want a penpal and for him to disclose his feelings in a one sided way, reply.
If you want to move forward, just follow your own boundaries and do not reply.

NotLactoseFree · 03/11/2023 11:28

He wants to be able to tell everyone that you're breaking up as a joint decision and that you're still friends.

I would not acknowledge the flowers. If they upset you being in the house, get rid of them. If he asks you to acknowledge them, either ignore him or repeat, "I told you I want no contact. Flowers aren't going to make me feel better. Please respect my wishes."

meandtheboy · 03/11/2023 11:29

My situation is different - divorce after abusive marriage - but similarly XH wants to "be friends" and keeps pushing at the boundaries I have set.

For your mental health and recovery you need to follow your own path now, so I'd completely ignore your ex and get on with building your new life; you need to grieve and him keep contacting you (with whatever intention we don't know) is not fair. If you respond he'll just see that as an opening for more contact, you've said you need space and time, so stick to that.

MsMarch · 03/11/2023 11:29

It does sort of remind me of when my boss was made redundant. when the rest of us were told, they tried to pitch it as something SHE would benefit from - more time with her family etc etc. It made me so angry as I knew perfectly well she was the breadwinner and being made redundant was NOT going to help her at all. He just wants you to assuage his guilt.

DistrictAndCircle · 03/11/2023 11:30

I'm sorry for your situation OP. Break-ups are horrible. It's a cliche, but time really is the best healer. I hope it proves so for you.

I am disappointed in some of the replies though, which immediately jump to negative conclusions about the OP's partner being a cheat and/or a nasty person. I haven't read anything to suggest that. Break-ups can and do happen simply because people want different things from each other. It doesn't automatically mean that there's another person on the scene or that the person ending things is horrible. I read this situation as being one where the OP's ex is trying to be as kind and decent as possible in very difficult circumstances after a difficult time for both parties.

It's sad that this descends into "Men are horrible" predictability almost immediately.

All the best to the OP.

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