Flowers from ex after heart break

[autumntravels]

My exDP and I were together over 6 years. Both divorced, 2 children each. We met and it just felt right - laughs, respect, love and chemistry with a genuine underlying friendship. A good relationship after previous difficult ones for us both.

Early on we talked about living together, but due to the housing situations, challenges with his ex, custody changes, dynamics between the children and the pandemic it hasn’t happened. The last year has been challenging, with stresses in both our lives. And it created distance…We love each other very much and have had lots of talks about how we might be able to make it work. But this week he told me, in tears and genuinely remorseful, that we need different things and he couldn’t do it anymore. Lots of thanks and I’ll always love you but need space to work on myself and after all we’ve been through can we be friends…and no I don’t think there’s anyone else (really!!)

I understand many of the reasons and are lives are complex. I just really hoped we could make it through together, and told him that. But he can’t. And I do understand.

After the break up conversation I sent a message that I hope he finds what he’s looking for but I need space and time to heal so won’t be I touch for the moment. For me, the feelings are still there and it’s been more painful than I could have imagined. I’m committed to learning from my part in the relationship, growing and moving forward but to do that I need no contact. And time. Even then, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing, and it might be a wait and see.

He replied with a thank you, always love you etc msg. I didn’t reply. Today (4 days later) I get home from work and there are flowers and a card - Thank you for our time together and special memories which he will cherish, he hopes I find peace with our situation and am ok, and I will always be important to him. Love exDP

I don’t know what to do. On one hand I think he is trying to be kind and show he cares, on the other that he is trying to assuage his guilt and wants me to say I’m ok, let’s be friends and support him. And I’m not after a few days no contact - yet anyway.

What should I do? Do I reply and just say thank you? Not reply at all? It’s made me feel confused and guilty for considering no reply, and made me cry again when I was feeling ok tonight!

Thank you for reading and I’d love to hear your stories and words of advice!! Thank you x

I feel for you op. I am two months post break up in almost identical situation. I thought after getting it wrong the first time around with my ex h I had found someone I was really compatible with. Like we were both divorced with kids and decided not to live together, but did holidays etc With all the kids. I loved him so much, and I loved having someone to be with when the kids weren’t around, someone to chat to in the evenings, holiday with etc.

i thought it was working well but in the end he didn’t and ended it, saying all the same things as your ex. I really tried to get him to give it another chance, but he wouldn’t. I am utterly heartbroken. We haven’t been in touch since it happened which is for the best, but incredibly hard. I miss him so much.

I agree with others who say the flowers are a goodbye gesture, probably well meaning, but best to do nothing and try to put him in the past, which I know is so difficult. I am hoping time will heal me but at the moment it doesn’t feel like that.

He's being extremely selfish and trying to make himself look good. And he does not respect your boundaries, he wants your support and some one-sided friendship where he gets all the benefits and you get the pain. Id block him.

If you love flowers and want to keep them, do.

Do not reply to him though.

He is a thicko. An emotionally retarded thicko.

He has demoted you to the friend zone quite happily without any thought for your feelings that his expectation of you to be able to readily accept being in the friend zone may be extremely hurtful and distressing for you.

To be able to do this indicates he has felt that way for some time and I wouldn't be surprised if it's also a strategic manoeuvre to woefully paint himself as the good guy when surprise surprise in a very short space of time he suddenly has a 'new' woman on his arm.

You don't have to reply, acknowledge or thank him for the flowers.

The best thing you can do is not engage with him and move on.

@Windowinyourheart im so sorry for what you are going through, I've been there too. All I can say is that for him to throw everything you had away, he's not the person you thought he was and he's not worthy of your heartbreak. Please don't give up on finding someone else, it sounds like you have a lot to offer to the right person and you deserve better treatment.

Thank you to everyone who has replied and sorry to those in similar situations.

@Windowinyourheart I’m really sorry, it’s so hard isn’t it? I’m trying to keep in mind what I read on another thread recently which really resonated, rather than think I’ll never love again (easy in the circumstances!) It was the idea that some people are ‘openers’. There for a time only, to open a space in your life for someone who is right for you and will be there long term.

People talked about experiencing heartbreak and then meeting their DP/DH and being so glad for the experience.

I like to think this is true. Despite the current pain, and needing space, this relationship was overall a positive one for me. Although it hasn’t worked out, there are good memories and I was able to love again. Very different from the awful, heart crushing ending of my marriage when exH blindsided me, leaving me with 2 very young children (10 months and 2) the week I went back to work after maternity leave!

I think many of you are right. They are a goodbye. I know he is a good person and had many wonderful times together. I can’t just flip a switch and go from all that to friends, which I know he would like and would make him feel better for the decision. So I haven’t replied as me will pass the flowers on…

The posts are really helping so thank you!

@autumntravels You sound like an absolutely lovely person. Whatever the reason, and only he knows, it's his loss. I'm sure you'll find the person you are meant to be with soon.

It doesn’t sound like another woman to me or that he’s a complete dickhead. Sounds like for whatever reason, there are obstacles in the relationship that mean it can’t continue. Or difficulties that are meaning the same.

if this happened to me, I would reply saying thank you for the flowers & give them away if you don’t want to look at them.

That’s a very positive way of seeing and I’d like to think it will be the case for both of us. My marriage also ended when my children were very young, my youngest was about to turn 1. It was a fairly amicable split though so I wasn’t heartbroken in the way I am now.

you are right that it’s impossible to just flip a switch and become friends, you need space to grieve the relationship and your dreams for it. I hope you have some good friends of family to support you. Look after yourself.

I don't think you should reply, however I bet he will contact you!

This is one of those threads where I suspect the advice given would be very different if OP had been a man

Op - I feel for you. It is not pleasant to have this happen. Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons but to have it dropped on you out of the blue without (at least to my mind) a plausible reason is heartbreaking.

I think a clean break will be better for you in the medium to long term

If op had been a man and received a card and flowers from his ex girlfriend I’m not sure what mumsnetters would have said.

I think if the woman had posted saying she’d sent him a bunch of flowers and and card after dumping him she’d be told to respect his boundaries and leave him alone. I certainly would tell a friend to leave him alone to be with friends and family to grieve if he needs to.

He can't have it all ways- which is what he wants.

I'd reply saying 'Thanks.On reflection, I want a bit of distance from you really, at least for 6 months.'

And stick to it. Look after you and let him get on with it.

Not the point but your exh sounds BONKERS

Yes this most recent fellow has ‘good guy’ syndrome. Wants to tell people how sad it is for you both and how you’re mature enough to be friends etc. It’s a low-key narcissistic grift that sets him up as a good guy to all the people guys like this have lined up to replace you. He won’t even allow you your anger now. Don’t assist him with his self-care-bear-isation OP.