Flowers from ex after heart break

[autumntravels]

My exDP and I were together over 6 years. Both divorced, 2 children each. We met and it just felt right - laughs, respect, love and chemistry with a genuine underlying friendship. A good relationship after previous difficult ones for us both.

Early on we talked about living together, but due to the housing situations, challenges with his ex, custody changes, dynamics between the children and the pandemic it hasn’t happened. The last year has been challenging, with stresses in both our lives. And it created distance…We love each other very much and have had lots of talks about how we might be able to make it work. But this week he told me, in tears and genuinely remorseful, that we need different things and he couldn’t do it anymore. Lots of thanks and I’ll always love you but need space to work on myself and after all we’ve been through can we be friends…and no I don’t think there’s anyone else (really!!)

I understand many of the reasons and are lives are complex. I just really hoped we could make it through together, and told him that. But he can’t. And I do understand.

After the break up conversation I sent a message that I hope he finds what he’s looking for but I need space and time to heal so won’t be I touch for the moment. For me, the feelings are still there and it’s been more painful than I could have imagined. I’m committed to learning from my part in the relationship, growing and moving forward but to do that I need no contact. And time. Even then, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing, and it might be a wait and see.

He replied with a thank you, always love you etc msg. I didn’t reply. Today (4 days later) I get home from work and there are flowers and a card - Thank you for our time together and special memories which he will cherish, he hopes I find peace with our situation and am ok, and I will always be important to him. Love exDP

I don’t know what to do. On one hand I think he is trying to be kind and show he cares, on the other that he is trying to assuage his guilt and wants me to say I’m ok, let’s be friends and support him. And I’m not after a few days no contact - yet anyway.

What should I do? Do I reply and just say thank you? Not reply at all? It’s made me feel confused and guilty for considering no reply, and made me cry again when I was feeling ok tonight!

Thank you for reading and I’d love to hear your stories and words of advice!! Thank you x

I’m a firm believer that when it’s over it’s over and 1000% nuclear no contact is the only way
That means all social media
WhatsApp
the lot

yeah it’s a major sad loss
but dating mid life with all the stress and coparenting is hard

so what if your ex has partners galore
it’s not a market of success
he’s clearly not picky !

lots of self care as you recover , don’t minimise how sad it is

@Gloriously
Yes I think you might be right. All ok when things were as he wanted by when I expressed my needs he often couldn’t find a compromise.

I genuinely don’t think there is anyone…now. I had that with exH.

However I suspect he may be ‘ok’ and find someone else/others in about 4 weeks after having the ‘nice guy in the break up and it’s amicable’ story to tell ‘and we’re still friends’. So me not going along with that narrative has thrown him.

I know Im strong and can do this, it just hurts (again)…thankfully I only really saw him for the last while without the girls so they’ll be ok.

This.

He's trying to keep you in reserve.

Do what you want with the flowers - they could be nice - and consign him to the past. You deserve soo much better.

I agree with this. Thinking of you OP

I don't think you need to reply (Although you can say thank you if you like) It was a nice gesture. The relationship didn't work out for whatever reason. If your upset and need space just take it.

He feels guilty and he’s showing you how much he cares for you.

I know you must be in so much pain but the silver lining here is that he cared so much about you.

He didn’t despise you and call you horrible names etc like so many men on here.
He loves you deeply and acknowledges what a great person you are.
You just want different things and can’t be together.

The saying goes ‘it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all’.

Accept the flowers and know that you were loved.
Don’t reach out to him to say thanks.

I would display the flowers and see them as part of a happy chapter, which you enjoyed yourself.

But I would make a deal with myself that I would grieve the relationship for as long as the flowers are alive.
Once they die and you throw them away, then it’s time to dust yourself off and move on with the new chapter in your life.

Perhaps spend some time thinking about what that new chapter might bring.
Do you want to travel more, get a new job, relocate, start dating, make new friends, get a new hobby etc.

All ok when things were as he wanted by when I expressed my needs he often couldn’t find a compromise.

There you go - how many of the many ‘obstacles’ in your relationship were actually purely situational or an expression of his entrenched entitlement? I am not surprised that to hear of issues with his divorce arrangements - I wonder how much his pattern of behaviour had played into this?

However I suspect he may be ‘ok’ and find someone else/others in about 4 weeks after having the ‘nice guy in the break up and it’s amicable’ story to tell ‘and we’re still friends’. So me not going along with that narrative has thrown him.

Yes - that’s exactly why he is pestering you.

Dont give him anymore of your finite headspace and emotional energy - save every ounce of it for your own restoration and recovery.

Well done on prioritising and protecting your DDs childhood and emotional development during these difficult times - that will be paid back to you in spades as they go through teenage years and become resilient and balanced young adults.

Of course your hurt and upset. Don't do anything you need time to get over your heartbreak.

I'd cut contact with him.

People hate to lose their admirer. I can't think of any altruistic reason he would have done this. He doesn't want to lose your devotion but also doesn't want you- probably someone else that has caught his eye. Men are pretty predictable but honestly if he was genuine he would leave you alone. You don't string someone along like that as to most people both the text and the flowers would give them "hope"

Nobody wants to be the bad guy in their story. When the new lady appears in 4-6 weeks he can say ‘oh me and my ex split amicably - we are still mates. Im such a jolly good chap’.

You are spoiling his narrative!

Give the flowers away. You’ll make someone’s day a bit brighter. Burn the card. And dont respond.

Don't respond. My ex and I split and on Christmas Eve he left champagne, chocs and flowers in my porch without ringing the bell. Note said "Thank you for everything. I miss you. Have a wonderful Christmas xxx"
My dad was completely convinced this was his way of saying he wants me back. Suggested I message and try to meet for NYE. I took the night to think on it and sent a thank you text the next morning. No reply. Later on Christmas day he posts on SM that he is in Iceland with the woman he was "just friends" with, sharing a bed in a camper for 4 days... Do not read anything into these gifts. It certainly would have saved me a lot of heartache if I had not. I now think he did it to get my attention before he pulled the rug again.

The flowers are to make him feel better.

If they upset you, get rid of them. (Give them away if you don’t have to explain much to the recipient, or sling them if that’s easier.)

If he contacts you again, reply “I asked you not to contact me. Please respect my wishes.” And then nothing. Block if you have to.

You are doing really well. Just keep on trucking through. 💜

Bin the flowers

Do NOT contact him to thank him. He's either got someone else, or got his eye on someone else and wants to give them and the world, the impression that you split mutually and he's such a nice guy he's even sent you flowers blah blah blah and things ended well between you, in fact you're still friends. I also think he may be wanting to part on "good terms" just in case he wants to come crawling back eventually and he's given himself an opening by you two still being friends. It will shock him that you don't acknowledge the flowers, he might realise you aren't such a doormat and he can't mess around with your feelings like this.

Maybe I'm wrong but I have a feeling your ex is doing something similar to this and keeping you sweet as a back up in case it doesn't work out with whoever he has his eyes on .
Even if I'm wrong
He's still a shit for not respecting your boundaries .
Don't let him back in
You can never trust him again after this

futuremoneyinbank

what a lack of integrity your ex had
both the porch gifts and then (I mean who fuxking does this shit ?) of posting what he’s up
to

honestly I bet even his mates think he’s a bit of a cxxt
Sorry !

Don’t reply

Sorry OP, there is someone else. Reply a thank you for the flowers and end all communication with him (block him) It hurts, I know, but you are strong you will get through it 💖

I'm sorry you are heartbroken. It just hurts so much doesnt it. I suggest, do nothing. Be grateful you had an ending with closure, where you talked it through and both acknowledged the love you shared. That's a grown up way to end things, and it's hard to do which is why so many people ghost or flounce away in anger. Look after yourself, I hope time helps you heal.

This simply isn’t true, and it’s quite tragic that you believe it must be the case.

I'm sorry op.

Who can be 100% sure what's going on with him/his intentions. However I'd say don't respond. Silence is the strongest response in this scenario- to my mind.

And yes, it's crap when exes 'move on' and you hope for the same but in a more realistic and healthy time frame.

X

If you need your time and space do not reply.
Doesn't have to be a third person involved in all the breaks. But NC helps to heal and that is what you need now.
Flowers will dry in less than a week so either keep them till they fade, give them to someone else or put them in the bin.
I would keep them, flowers are pretty until they don't. Kind of metaphore in the last sentence.
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time but time is the best healer.

@autumntravels

I’ll regift the flowers, get rid of the card and focus on all the lovely things in my life

Good decision. Erase him from every part of your life, so remove his name from all your social media, block and delete from WhatsApp, email etc and start the work of living your life without any part of him.

The cynic in me says that, as he's arranged this "amicable" breakup where the two of you can still be "friends", he's leaving the door open just a little bit in case his next relationship(s) don't work out for whatever reason so he can reconnect with you. Whether or not that's the case, I'd take great care not to be surprised into being in contact again. He's clear in his decision and so must you be. 🌹

Well, he ended things, you accepted that with huge grace but asked for space. He sent the flowers and message regardless. I wouldn't be questioning his motives- likely just to try and feel better about a difficult decision and smooth things over. But only course you can't just smooth over a significant relationship ending. So I wouldn't reply. You've said you don't want to be in touch so stick to that. You're not leaving anything unsaid. He's made his decision.

If you can enjoy the flowers, keep them. If not then give them to someone else. You'll be fine. Don't let comments about 'he was definitely cheating' get under your skin. You didn't even ask that.

Don’t let him coerce you into thanking him to make him feel better.

You have stated your boundary (NC/Space) - so keep strong and stick to it.

I suspect that once you are through this initial shock the anger will rise .... take care of yourself at this time.