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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure I’d have chosen this life

56 replies

Magicbeads · 02/11/2023 19:22

Dh works endless hours. I’m alone with small children. He doesn’t message or let me know anything. Around half six I get an inevitable text he’s late.

I can’t do much about it. Just venting.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 02/11/2023 19:24

Is he working late so that he doesn't have to deal with the children? Was he like this before they arrived?

Original poster
Magicbeads · 02/11/2023 19:30

I don’t know pinky. I can’t answer that, I don’t know.

Its fair to say he’s always been all over the place with work but first child was born in the middle of Covid so everything was different then.

OP posts:
Rjahdhdvd · 02/11/2023 19:37

It sounds like we’re living the same life; it’s not what I expected when we decided to have children and I’m incredibly fed up with it

Original poster
Magicbeads · 02/11/2023 19:38

Yep I hear that @Rjahdhdvd

It’s made me so resentful and I hate it. Shouted at DS this evening and it wasn’t him I was angry at Sad

OP posts:
Rjahdhdvd · 02/11/2023 19:44

I do suspect the resentment will kill my marriage. I’ve been quite clear about that to my DH and it improves for a while but not enough. I just get on with it now; I take my DC away to see friends and family, I make plans that don’t involve DH with DC and if he can come great but if not I do it anyway.
I also make a point not to be doing everything for him/around the house and make sure when he is home he’s contributing

Original poster
Magicbeads · 02/11/2023 19:45

I am pretty much doing everything, and I’m so tired. Then he wonders why I don’t want sex.

OP posts:
Greybluewhite · 02/11/2023 19:47

No useful advice but I’m right there with you!

DH works 5-6am until 6pm at least and all day Sunday (at the table getting in my way usually). He never has his phone with him because he’s not allowed it during work hours so I don’t know what time he’s leaving until he’s left. I deal with the children all of the time on my own. I have 2 under 2 and an older one plus our pets and look after the house/cook/clean/do school runs, parents evening, clubs etc on my own.

People say I should be grateful because of DH working so hard I barely have to work and only do 2 days per week to get out of the house…but every time he’s late I get that bubbling rage and can’t seem to stop myself starting an argument.

I know DH can’t do anything about his work which is infuriating but I hope your husband manages to swap things around to come home earlier so you don’t end up as bitter as me!

arethereanyleftatall · 02/11/2023 19:52

It's impossible for you to know, but everywhere I've worked, when men 'work late' it's about a 50/50 split whether they are actually working or not. Women are almost always working late because they have work to do. Men, not so much, seen it time and time again.

Original poster
Magicbeads · 02/11/2023 19:55

@Greybluewhite two under two is work, a lot of work.

I do think he has work to do, it just makes you and the kids feel like an afterthought when you get a text at past six when you’re running the bath.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 02/11/2023 20:01

I think all you can do is get water tight contraception and tell yourself maybe things will be easier as the kids get older.

Greybluewhite · 02/11/2023 20:03

I know mine is working, he mostly comes home moaning about how tired he is or how crap his day has been and it takes everything I have to not loose it because the last thing I want to do is talk about his work more than it already impacts me. Work feels like it’s more important than us, but when I’ve spoken to him he just says something like if I don’t do it I’ll loose my job so nothing can change.

There must be so many of us in the same boat.

Neriah · 02/11/2023 20:04

I totally understand that this is a vent, and you're entitled to a vent. Yes it's tough with small children. And isolating.

But he's working, not messaging. And perhaps you'd like to suggest how much less he should work, and how much pay he should drop? He could spend more time at home, perhaps doing much more childcare. And you go out to work?

I'm being serious. I actually think it's unhealthy to have a stay at home parent and a working parent. But to date this has been your choice. Do you want to change it? And what will you do to change it?

YikYok · 02/11/2023 20:08

I’m so sorry, little kids are relentless hard work and i remember sometimes watching the clock thinking “he’ll be home soon, then I can get 5 minutes to breathe”. The difference was my dh would try to be home on time but often got caught in work or traffic. And he would be contrite and help loads when he did eventually get home.

This might be the worst solution in the world but I used to find any company helped - and when I knew dh had a busy time at work I’d invite my mum to stay overnight midweek. We’d have so much fun and it just broke the week up for me.

Original poster
Magicbeads · 02/11/2023 20:10

@Neriah

But he's working, not messaging

From 7 am until 630 in the evening? He doesn’t get a lunch break?

And perhaps you'd like to suggest how much less he should work, and how much pay he should drop?

Sarky, acerbic responses really shouldn’t have a place on here as I’m sure you know. Working is one thing but when it takes over not only your life but everyone else’s it is horrendous. Money is irrelevant.

He could spend more time at home, perhaps doing much more childcare. And you go out to work

I would love him to spend more time at home.

I do go out to work. I am currently on maternity leave. Since two parents working 7am 8pm clearly isn’t feasible I have to get children up and washed and dressed and to nursery, go to work myself, then do the same at the end of the day with baths and bed.

I am currently on maternity leave so I have a ‘break’. The only time to myself is if I’m driving with children in the back.

So, any more sarcastic, unhelpful, unpleasant comments?

OP posts:
blueshoes · 02/11/2023 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Magicbeads · 02/11/2023 20:17

What the hell does ‘you do you’ even mean in this context?

I mean, DH basically gets to go to work, work, and come home. I get to do everything in the morning THEN go to work, then the same in the evening. Wonderful, isn’t it? But he’s working so obviously I do me; whatever the hell that means. Oh, fuck it!

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 02/11/2023 20:20

Have you asked him to reduce his hours/late working?

You should get a say in this. A family is made up of negotiation, you both need to find a way of communicating and agreeing on a way forwards that will make you happier.

Invisiboo · 02/11/2023 20:20

OP, I 100% feel you on this. My DH works away for 11 days out of 14, 10 days out of 14 if Im lucky, and we have 2 under 2 (well one just turned 2), plus my two older stepchildren full time. It is such hard hard work and definitely not the life I would have chosen had I realised we were going to end up in this situation. I have found my 2 year old easier as she has gotten bigger and more independent so I'm hoping that it will get easier as the baby gets older, although at the same time I don't want to wish the baby years and time with her away.
My parents are getting me through, they are incredible in the support they have given me and I honestly couldn't do it without them! My dad worked away as well so my mum gets how difficult it is on your own so has gone above and beyond to be there for me.

Arou · 02/11/2023 20:26

Half six is so late to be texting :( what time does he come home? I don’t think you’re unreasonable to state your case. A work life balance is so important - especially when you have little kids. You matter.

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to text a token ‘love you’ or ‘on my break, need anything on the way home? How are the kids’ no matter how busy you are (obviously dependant on the profession - emergency services obviously not). I feel you though. Hope you are ok

bonkersAlice · 02/11/2023 20:31

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/11/2023 20:20

Have you asked him to reduce his hours/late working?

You should get a say in this. A family is made up of negotiation, you both need to find a way of communicating and agreeing on a way forwards that will make you happier.

You don't get to choose your hours where I work, you stay until everything is complete and done. It was the same when I worked 12-hour days plus weekends and bank holidays in the health service. Some jobs are like that. And they are demanding and exhausting.

Littleelffriend · 02/11/2023 20:32

I feel you. I work 4 days a week, 2 young kids. DP works away weeks at a time. It’s shite

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/11/2023 20:43

bonkersAlice · 02/11/2023 20:31

You don't get to choose your hours where I work, you stay until everything is complete and done. It was the same when I worked 12-hour days plus weekends and bank holidays in the health service. Some jobs are like that. And they are demanding and exhausting.

Show quote history

Thanks for that. But you absolutely get to choose your hours. That's what a contract is for. 1) You see a job description with contracted hours. 2) You choose to apply for the job. 3) you get the job. 4) you say no to working extra hours unless you want to work them. Or unless overtime is written as a requirement in your contract.

Her husband can also agree to look for a job with more family friendly hours.

Everyone has choice.

Fwiw - I work in healthcare.

Anonymouslyposting · 02/11/2023 20:47

Right with you OP.

DH leaves the house for work at 7:45, gets back at 6 on the days he picks older DC up from nursery then immediately logs onto his laptop to carry on working, usually until gone midnight. He thinks he’s the world’s greatest dad because he does pick ups and drop offs even though I am on maternity leave.

@Rjahdhdvd what you say rings so true - I’ve stopped making plans to do things with DH or relying on him to do anything other than pick ups/drop offs.

We start marriage counselling tomorrow. At the moment we just don’t have a relationship.

BlueEyedPeanut · 02/11/2023 20:51

How did this happen? Did he change jobs while you were pregnant? Otherwise I don't understand how it came as a surprise that you would end up doing the bulk of the child-related work while he works long days.

notatthisage · 02/11/2023 20:55

And perhaps you'd like to suggest how much less he should work, and how much pay he should drop?

“Sarky, acerbic responses really shouldn’t have a place on here as I’m sure you know. Working is one thing but when it takes over not only your life but everyone else’s it is horrendous. Money is irrelevant”

I did not read that as a snarky comment. It’s a sensible point. If you don’t like the work life balance your H has, then having a conversation about what can change and what difference that will make in terms of his pay, seems like a very sensible and reasonable conversation to have.

What conversation do you think needs to happen to change things?