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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I just comfort? I'm ready to snap at him

52 replies

Timeout22 · 31/10/2023 22:45

Hi lovely people,

This is one of those messages where I think I already know what the responses will be but my anxiety levels are so stupid right now and I need to write it down (I'm aware I shouldn't let someone else do that to me).

A guy I have dated on and off for years has always felt like 'my person' for years. He either wasn't ready to commit and hurt me quite badly or when he was ready I was just too scared to be hurt again. He's been working on himself this past year and we've been on and off talking a lot. However, I'm worried his main focus with me is sexual or that now that he's 40 (I'm 36) he just wants the comfort I give him.

I'm so annoyed that early on he ruined something really good by ending it because he was scared and I always feel at the mercy of him. He travels a lot for work so is often away and will message me non stop when he's away but today he's back in the country and hasn't mentioned meeting up now that he's back this week. I think I'm his link to home when he's gone....a bit of company......the messages are sometimes sexual too. I have spent all of today wishing he would mention meeting up and I'm sick of being the one to always want to meet so I didn't want to say it. Should I snap? Should I explain how it feels? Or do I just walk away? I think I know deep down I've no real future with him but I always am just waiting for the future I want with him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2023 22:50

He's not "your person" and he never has been. He's a lousy user who doe just enough to keep you on his hook for when he's bored. You're his doormat.

Want better for yourself.

cocoloco23 · 31/10/2023 22:52

As a PP said, he’s not your person. Your person wouldn’t want you to feel this way. Wouldn’t mess you around like this.

Be your own person for a bit. Be kind to yourself: tell yourself you absolutely deserve more than this.

Catsafterme · 31/10/2023 22:52

No, honestly just walk away from it he's not the guy. If he really wanted to be with you, he would initiate meeting and always make time for you.

Jellybean23 · 31/10/2023 22:58

You're a friend with benefits and he's stringing you along. He won't change, his feelings for you aren't as deep as you'd like to believe. But he's happy to let you think they are.

Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 23:01

I would block him and walk away. Without wanting to sound harsh it sounds like you are a warm bed and some attention while he is home.

Quitelikeit · 31/10/2023 23:02

Why not call him out on this behaviour?

Have some standards? It is ok to and this is what will earn you respect

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2023 23:11

Why not call him out on this behaviour?

He will not give a single fuck. He knows exactly what he's doing. All she will accomplish is making herself look even more desperate than she already is.

The op has wasted enough time on this twat.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 23:14

Just block him OP. He's a timewaster who hurts you.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 31/10/2023 23:15

He always acts like I'm overreacting when I call him out on his behaviour. He will say 'well you didn't mention meeting up either.....'. I really already knew the responses I would get, I think I just needed strangers to confirm it for some reason

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2023 23:19

We've confirmed it. Block this idiot already.

Catsafterme · 31/10/2023 23:19

Yeah, he's just fucking about and using you when it's convenient to him, when he's got nothing else going on. Like when he's away, emotionally.

If I was seeing a woman I really wanted a relationship with I would arrange to meet up and prioritize them, not leave them hanging endlessly and string them along. He's not genuine.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 31/10/2023 23:22

He goes through phases of being wonderful and kind but it always ends. I've spent so many years just waiting for him. I'm convinced he just can't find anyone else to put up with him

I was worried blocking him with no explanation would seem awful after six years of knowing someone?

OP posts:
shardash · 31/10/2023 23:23

You are spending your life waiting for the crumbs he throws you.

The 'Happy Ever After' that you've been wanting, and still hope will happen... well, it isn't going to, is it? Deep down you know that.

CreationNat1on · 31/10/2023 23:26

Drop the rope, don't respond to him.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2023 23:27

He goes through phases of being wonderful and kind but it always ends.

Yes, op. Like I said, he does just enough to keep you hooked, and you keep falling for it. Users and abusers are not awful all of the time. Their con wouldn't work that way.

I was worried blocking him with no explanation would seem awful after six years of knowing someone?

Who. Fucking. Cares. You have been nothing but an afterthought to him for years, and you are still putting him over your own well being. It's madness.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 31/10/2023 23:29

A few weeks ago I stopped replying and he continued to message asking why until I eventually responded explaining I didn't want to talk and he said he would never treat me that way, he would never not reply so I genuinely am really unsure of what's the best next step anymore!

OP posts:
lizkt · 31/10/2023 23:31

When you don't block him because you think it's rude, you're prioritising his needs above your own.

Which is strange because he really hasn't prioritised your needs at all, during this time.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2023 23:32

He can't keep getting easy sex from you if you don't respond to him...

Original poster
Timeout22 · 31/10/2023 23:32

To be clear I haven't slept with him in a very long time but I do respond to his messages and yes, sometimes they turn flirty/sexual

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 31/10/2023 23:33

He's head fucking you doing intermittent reinforcement. Nice then not in a cycle and you get hooked.

You need to stand firm and block him because it won't end and will only get worse if you allow him to continue.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2023 23:34

Timeout22 · 31/10/2023 23:32

To be clear I haven't slept with him in a very long time but I do respond to his messages and yes, sometimes they turn flirty/sexual

You're allowing him to send sexual messages so he has hope. It's all about sex for him, op.

Catsafterme · 31/10/2023 23:35

How long has this been going on and what really are you getting out of this other than a shit ton of doubt and confusion?

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 31/10/2023 23:36

You would not be writing this post if he was your person.

When something is right, it happens.

You are ignoring huge flaws because you have a level of separation and you are able to do so but if you were both together.. well, Im guessing it wouldn't be a relationship filled with happiness and mutual feelings.

PaminaMozart · 31/10/2023 23:37

I've spent so many years just waiting for him

Seriously?

Why?

Why are you responding to and hanging around for someone who just toys with you?

What's in this for you?

Zzbutton · 31/10/2023 23:37

Sorry OP it’s really hard when you know in your head he’s not the one who’s worthy of you but your heart still wants him. You have to be your own best friend here and do what’s in your best interests, and he’s not in your best interest. Id also find it hard to just block him and move on but the fact is if he feels a slow fade from you he will throw enough crumbs to make you believe he is finally going to step up, then when he’s secure again he will go back to form. If it makes you feel better maybe just say I’m sorry this isn’t the kind of relationship I want. Then block and find someone who really wants to be part of your life. When you find that person I promise you’ll look back and wonder why you wasted so much time on him. Best of luck your ‘person’ is out there, ditch this one and you’ll find him x

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