Am I just comfort? I'm ready to snap at him

[Timeout22]

Hi lovely people,

This is one of those messages where I think I already know what the responses will be but my anxiety levels are so stupid right now and I need to write it down (I'm aware I shouldn't let someone else do that to me).

A guy I have dated on and off for years has always felt like 'my person' for years. He either wasn't ready to commit and hurt me quite badly or when he was ready I was just too scared to be hurt again. He's been working on himself this past year and we've been on and off talking a lot. However, I'm worried his main focus with me is sexual or that now that he's 40 (I'm 36) he just wants the comfort I give him.

I'm so annoyed that early on he ruined something really good by ending it because he was scared and I always feel at the mercy of him. He travels a lot for work so is often away and will message me non stop when he's away but today he's back in the country and hasn't mentioned meeting up now that he's back this week. I think I'm his link to home when he's gone....a bit of company......the messages are sometimes sexual too. I have spent all of today wishing he would mention meeting up and I'm sick of being the one to always want to meet so I didn't want to say it. Should I snap? Should I explain how it feels? Or do I just walk away? I think I know deep down I've no real future with him but I always am just waiting for the future I want with him.

The energy you focus on him, could be spent on someone who genuinely values you.

@Timeout22

Of course you shouldn’t just block him. Ghosting is a juvenile and rude way to behave - even to someone you barely know.

But at the same time - you seem to be really passive and just wait around/react. Or wait for something. While carrying unresolved resentment and wondering.

Him not being ready back in the day - nothing wrong with it. It happens. People do grow up and change.
You not being able to forget that - is on you. It’s your fear of being hurt that is holding you back.
But - you seem to be conflicted - you don’t want to give him a chance, but aren’t walking away - and really just waiting for something. It’s like you are either waiting for him to beg/convince you - or are punishing him.

In your place - i’d stop being this passive. Decide what you actually want to happen.
Tell him. Not in a dramatic way of telling him how he is failing you - rather tell him what you want from this relationship.

Then - take the risk. OR walk away.

You will spend the rest of your life waiting for him , do you really want to look back and just see so many wasted years?
Sounds like you could do with some therapy to find out why you think so little of yourself.
Find a photo of yourself when you were little , look at it and ask yourself if this is the life that little girl deserves.

You've wasted six years on this user, cut him off so you don't waste another six minutes on him.

Then tell him it’s over and then block him.

“ Hi Dave, I’ve been thinking about things and I’ve decided this friendship isn’t working for me anymore so I’m going to end it. I wish you all the best in the future. Please accept my decision and don’t contact me again . “

or something like that. others will no doubt have better suggestions. The main thing is that you don’t give him any other reasons or try to justify yourself . And that you don’t get into a discussion or debate about it with him.

then block him on all platforms.

I'm worried I've also messed him around, almost like I keep him there knowing he's wrong. I wish years ago I just blocked.
A few weeks ago he said something pretty shitty and I called him out, said I couldn't talk to him anymore but slowly we started talking again over time when he apologised.....I feel by doing that I'm also messing him around

Send a message. Say, this friendship isn't working for me. Best wishes. Then block him. Nothing to feel bad about. He sounds horrible.

How will you feel if you waste another 6 years on this user?

Have you dated anyone else in the past 6 years?

This is not a good guy. You are wasting your time on him. Our friend eventually married her version of your guy. She is an absolute shadow of the woman we knew. It never gets better. It gets worse. They suck out your soul.

I have dated two other people in those years, yes. I left both of them with very little drama, they were both nice people but I would just end up back in his arms

Sounds like you're just convenient comfort. I loathe this notion of "calling out" a little bit. If you know how it is, just walk, you don't need permission or acknowledgement to feel. Take people as they are, and respond decisively.

There's no harm, I guess, in telling him why, if you need it. Just don't expect miracles from the reaction, and don't leave any part of the determination of your boundaries and decisions wholely or partially in his hands

Some behaviour over the years include a friend seeing him on a dating app (he was on it cos he was 'curious'), him breaking up with me during my Dad's intense chemotherapy treatment (not sure why he couldn't have waited until it was over) and pushing me into an abortion I really did not want (and then left me when I was very, very low). My friends and family have used the words 'emotionally abused' over the years but I'm sure he ever did anything intentionally. He's just really emotionally immature and very selfish. All of this broke me down over the years.

Part of me almost feels that I have also messed him around because I take him back knowing that I won't be able to get over my anxieties really but I enjoy the apologies, the attention, the cycle of it until it gets bad again. It's like I want him to correct his wrongs and his past with me to make what I've put up with all worthwhile.

I understand how fucked that all sounds but I just really needed to write it all down and be honest.

Have you tried therapy or the freedom program?

You haven’t messed him around he is gaslighting you. You really sound like you are in a relationship with a card carrying narcissist there and you are hooked. They are like a drug. I second the freedom program. It really does sound unbelievably unhealthy for you.

Oh My god just stop! This is painful to read. Kick him to the kerb, I doubt he will care, I'm sorry.

Jesus. He pushed you into an abortion you didn’t want? So, you wanted children? And you’re now 36? And you’ve wasted years waiting for this man?

He doesn’t respect you one jot.

Part of me almost feels that I have also messed him around because I take him back knowing that I won't be able to get over my anxieties really but I enjoy the apologies, the attention, the cycle of it until it gets bad again. It's like I want him to correct his wrongs and his past with me to make what I've put up with all worthwhile

this is called the sunken cost fallacy - google it.

and if you really believe that you have messed him about, then the kindest thing you can do is set him free to find someone who is right for him. you’ve spent 6 years of your life in this mostly unhappy relationship, just hoping that you can fix things and get back to when everything was great.

please don’t waste any more. You can’t make this work. It doesn’t matter if the fault is 50:50 or 90:10. Either way , you need to end this once and for all.

So if you can’t bear to set a clear external boundary by blocking him or telling him to quit flirting because it will feel rude, you have to set a clear internal boundary and hold yourself to operating by it.

Practically, that means deciding something like, “I will no longer hope for anything other than a friendly acquaintance with this man. If messaging is becoming more frequent than a check-in once every couple of months, I will reduce communication. If he enquires about the reduced communication I will brush it off as just being busy but will not increase communication in response. I will not respond to any sexual messages, and will take them as a sign to reduce contact even further.”

If he wanted to he would.

Please block and don't engage anymore. He sounds awful.

Channel all the energy you have wasted on him into loving and respecting yourself so you will demand better from relationships in future.

@Timeout22 - your updates are painful to read. You’ve wasted 6 precious years on this guy and you’re desperate to persuade yourself that’s okay.

You’ve not messed him around - this arrangement suits him. He isn’t not ready - he just doesn’t want you enough to offer you a proper relationship; it suits him to have you at his beck and call.

Something about this arrangement also suits you - something about hankering after him and avoiding true intimacy with a man who’s willing to commit suits you. I wonder whether you grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent or something so this feels very familiar.

@Timeout22 - he can’t give you what you want. If you let this continue, there will come a point - perhaps when you’re in your 40s and your fertility window has closed - when you most bitterly regret letting this guy steal that time from you. Don’t let that happen. As a PP said, you need to look after yourself here. Explain this isn’t working for you any more. Drop the rope. Walk away.

6 years of this !!!!
op you owe him nothing
and you deserve better

look I stayed in an off and off situationship like this for far too long too

but you will never meet someone decent when you are stuck with him and 6 years very clearly shows he will NOT change

I think you have to be very brave , stop this dead and grit teeth and mourn it
yes you will miss him yada yada

but the peace and quiet will be immense

I know how hard it is to let go of that dopamine hit

ps you havnt messed him around
he however isn’t worthy

He's making you feel like shit - he's not your person

To be honest, this 'relationship' sounds quite toxic all round.
I wouldn't just block him and walk away without saying anything because that's unfair and I'd hate someone to do that to me but I would tell him it's not working etc and then block and work on yourself.

I think you're addicted to this guy. Love addiction is a thing, you get withdrawal when you try to move on.