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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affairs

74 replies

Mangotango123 · 30/10/2023 21:25

A man who I know is married. We message, often intimate stuff, and he’s made it clear he fancies me. He’s told me he thinks about us being intimate - a lot. He is however saying nothing can physically happen. He’s quite clear on that, but yet won’t ever be alone with me because he ‘doesn’t trust himself to not be good’ and ‘I just don’t trust myself’. If he is so adamant in his decision not to take things further, why is he so reluctant to be alone? I know I should just not bother messaging him at all, but it’s hard.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 30/10/2023 21:27

He's reluctant to be alone with you because you're daft enough to give him the ego boost he wants. And if his wife ever finds out he can say "we never met up".

Stop chatting with married men and find your own bloke.

TurnerP · 30/10/2023 21:40

Meeting you alone when a mutu

TurnerP · 30/10/2023 21:41

Al attraction is shared would be considered cheating by some
I think you should let him stay faithful, that's what he is choosing to do

Cumbrianlife · 30/10/2023 21:45

He knows you're daft enough to shag him?

Userwithallthenumbers · 30/10/2023 21:46

Leave well alone. At some point he will 'give in' to meeting up because he finds you so 'irresistible'. He is making you feel like you are the catch of the century at the moment, reeling you in, then when it happens, it is all your fault, you seduced him, he didn't want it etc. Don't fall for it. He is a sleaze.

TurnerP · 30/10/2023 21:49

And stop sxting with him full stop!

Forgotmylogindetails · 30/10/2023 21:50

Are you that desperate for attention ?

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 21:51

I think it's just a flirty comment to make, that he couldn't control himself around you.

If he really were trying to avoid being tempted that'd be one thing, but it sounds more like a way of charming you.

Everything he's saying is not ok OP. He's married. Please block him.

Hiddenvoice · 30/10/2023 21:52

He’s saying it so you’ll keep messaging and flirting. It’s his way of making you want to reply and keep asking why he won’t be alone.
Eventually you’ll meet up, do something stupid and he will ignore you afterwards. He’ll send a message saying it was a mistake and can’t happen again and will then block you.

Don’t get involved here, you know he’s married. He shouldn’t be doing this, he has a wife and perhaps a family at home who don’t deserve this but you’re happily going along with it which is wrong too. You don’t owe anything to his wife but be the bigger person and take yourself out of this scenario and find someone who’s single.

You’re being used.

Fourlegsandatail · 30/10/2023 21:52

It’s typical cheating male behaviour… make out like he’s not a cheat it’s just you, and you alone, are so very special and desirable.

He has said this to others and will again.

Thats what cheats do.

Mischance · 30/10/2023 21:55

Stop it ... just stop it. You are being very silly. This man is not available.

TurnerP · 30/10/2023 21:56

OH you're actively looking for an affair aren't you
sorry ignore my pps

LolaSmiles · 30/10/2023 21:58

It's the script, one of many that cheating men use.

Then if you meet up and something does happen he can tie himself in knots at home and pretend that he didn't meet up with the intention of having sex. It was just a moment of poor judgement. If his wife finds out then the script will come out again, this time about how you threw yourself at him and he was so blown away he couldn't say no.

Don't go there and don't give him the time of day.

Sashya · 30/10/2023 22:04

Look - I think he is enjoying this secret messaging and imagining sex with you. It's like interactive porn. Clearly does something for him. And he has the excuse of - it's not acted upon.
For you - it must make you feel nice - sexy, desired and special.

I am not going to tell you it's not real. I am sure he is attracted to you, etc. And temptation can be quite a strong draw to some people. It feels dangerous and enticing to people - that is why he doesn't just stop talking to you. Life would become boring.

You can, of course, act on it if you want. You aren't married and you won't be breaking any promises. And - in reality - if it's not with you, he'll probably move on to someone else.

BUT - are there no other men around you can date without all of the complications of an affair with a married man? Those rarely end well.

BeckiWithAnI · 30/10/2023 22:06

Oh dear OP.
He’s seen you coming a mile away and is playing you like a fiddle.
I give it 6 months and your remaining dignity is going to be in shreds, he’ll still be ‘happily’ married, and you’ll be all alone.
Don’t be a fool.
I’m not even going to preach the virtues of not chasing after married men, but if that is your thing then at least have the decency(?) to pick someone for a quickie and get on with your life. This clown is doing everything to mess with your head because he wants you pining for him, and you aren’t exactly making it difficult. Wise up.

TurnerP · 30/10/2023 22:10

For context op is married and wants an affair

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 22:14

You can, of course, act on it if you want. You aren't married and you won't be breaking any promises.

It's still not the right thing to do.

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 22:16

For context op is married and wants an affair

That makes it all even worse.

@Mangotango123 Work on your marriage, or leave if you feel you have to. Don't be that person.

Original poster

Mangotango123 · 30/10/2023 22:17

I am not married. I am separated from my ex husband.

OP posts:

Kat200669 · 30/10/2023 22:17

Classy! He's waiting for to do the oh please have sex with me and massage my ego. Meanwhile he's probably got plenty of options lined up and needs an std test! His poor wife. Don't know how you can find someone with no morals attractive. Once he's had you he will drop you and move on, maybe destroying you in the process. Would you be happy if someone did that to you? Probably not!

Weatherwax13 · 30/10/2023 22:18

He's setting the scene whereby when he does sleep with you - which he eventually will if you let him - he's made you think you're irresistible and he's helpless in the face of that.
He's a wanker and you're complicit in hurting his wife with your nessaging so I suggest you stop this.

Limeeinthecoconut · 30/10/2023 22:24

Don't go thinking your special because of the rubbish he sprouts your just one in a long line of desperate women He's playing the same tune to He's disgusting and so are you for even entertaining a married man.

Userwithallthenumbers · 30/10/2023 22:26

Is this the same guy you posted about in January? Just stop already.

Sort your own life out, learn to be alone and happy, look for someone who isn't already involved in a relationship. Anything other than getting involved with someone who is married (which I would still consider you to be, even if separated).

NotStayingIn · 30/10/2023 22:31

Oh wow OP you are so desirable.
Married men find you irresistible.
The poor guy can't even be alone with you as he wouldn't be able to control himself.
You're so much more attractive than his wife.
You are just so special.

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 22:31

@Mangotango123 A friend said to me once (I used to often end up with married men) 'what about the girl code?' Don't do anything with another woman's partner. Not even flirty messages. Even if you don't know her, it's not ok.

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