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Original poster

Affairs

74 replies

Mangotango123 · 30/10/2023 21:25

A man who I know is married. We message, often intimate stuff, and he’s made it clear he fancies me. He’s told me he thinks about us being intimate - a lot. He is however saying nothing can physically happen. He’s quite clear on that, but yet won’t ever be alone with me because he ‘doesn’t trust himself to not be good’ and ‘I just don’t trust myself’. If he is so adamant in his decision not to take things further, why is he so reluctant to be alone? I know I should just not bother messaging him at all, but it’s hard.

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 30/10/2023 22:43

From what you've said, he has no intention of leaving his wife.

That will very likely remain the case; even if your sexting escalates to physical cheating.

Which means .... He's got a life partner ...and someone on the side for flirtation, validation , stimulation, ego boost, illicit thrills, variety etc.

You, meanwhile, don't have a life partner and only have the scraps of a man who's not single.

He's still sharing his table, bed, home, holidays, family events, finances .... Life essentially with his wife. And will very likely continue to do so.

He has the loaf of bread. You have some crumbs

Get your own load of bread.

He's treating you very shittily, whether he means to or not (probably not, he's just being selfish and taking what he can take - because you're letting him take it) and you're treating yourself very shittily.

It's not easy to meet people but you can try your utmost. It's a numbers game. Every bit of emotional and sexual energy focused on a not free/available man like him; is distracting & subtracting from energy & focus towards you meeting a partner of your own; your loaf of bread.

You quote a favourite youtube of mine "I wouldn't share a pair of shoes, let alone a man".

Why "share"? There are other men out there.

(And it's not even really sharing; as I said, it's crumbs).

He's not sharing/taking crumbs from a woman. He's got a life partner, and a bit in the side too (even if it's not been physical). He's just happy to let you take crumbs.

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 22:53

Gilber is right- some women waste years of their lives this way. You've already spent the best part of a year thinking about him and what his behaviour might mean etc, waiting for messages and so on.

And as you've probably discovered, it can make you feel very lonely.

GilberMarkham · 30/10/2023 22:58

Fwiw as well; most cheating men don't "not love" their wives, they are just bored and jaded in the way that most people get bored and jaded shagging the same person for years. It's tempting to think they never felt the way they do about you, about their wife; but the reality is that they (very likely) fancied, lusted after, were excited about, had a honeymoon period with etc. their wife at one time too. Time and familarity affects that. The people with real integrity and good sense recognise that and don't cheat.
The people who don't, cheat.

It doesn't mean that even the cheaters don't still love (as far as a low integrity person can love) their wives or that they want to leave her or will leave her. When push comes to shove, they usually don't. They mostly don't actually want to leave her. Then there are financial issues, then there are usually children, then there's their families and community ..... Odds are he'll stay where he is; and you'll be discarded eventually or thrown under a bus if she finds out. You'll be "crazy", "deluded", "desperate", "unstable", a tempress/attempted home wrecker .... All the usual things the cheating man script says his bit on the side is, if he gets caught.

Stop letting a married man use you for thrills .... Even if he thinks he's not, he is. He has nothing respectful and real to offer you. You can find a relationship with someone else. He'll jus keep using you while you let him.

Orio2023 · 30/10/2023 23:11

What is your plan if his furious wife turns up at your door? Or publicly posts your seedy conversations?

Snippit · 30/10/2023 23:13

Don’t even go there. Delete him and stop messaging, I feel for his poor wife, what a shit she’s married to!

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 23:14

This could be how he talks to/acts towards a lot of women he comes across. Some men virtually treat it as a full time job.

MsDogLady · 30/10/2023 23:15

When this affair began you were also married.

Earlier this year you had another thread about the OM:

He was flirty —> platonic FB messaging —> mutually attracted & you gave him your number —> he asked to meet and you agreed —> he backed off and wouldn’t meet —> you felt sad and rejected.

Posters told you that he was a player who got a buzz from the chase and knowing he could pull a married woman. You felt inadequate and mortified, and were advised to cut it dead.

Now, 9 months later, you’ve clearly carried on and have now escalated to sexting. You’re separated, but are still helping this Loser harm his Wife. You’re still being used for cheap thrills, and are still frustrated that you can’t have sex because OM won’t meet up.

@Mangotango123, you cheated on your H and small child, and you continue to make sleazy, unethical choices that diminish yourself. Get a grip and shut down the Loser.

ttcat37 · 30/10/2023 23:15

Why would you entertain someone who clearly has such disdain for his wife and therefore women? Are you that desperate? Tell him to leave you alone and block him. Find someone available rather than someone else’s husband

fetchacloth · 30/10/2023 23:17

He's married. Back right off.

Seryse · 30/10/2023 23:24

... have some respect for yourself, he's married. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

JayJayEl · 30/10/2023 23:29

TurnerP · 30/10/2023 21:41

Al attraction is shared would be considered cheating by some
I think you should let him stay faithful, that's what he is choosing to do

"...let him stay faithful..."

Ha! Firstly - he has his own mind and he is the only person responsible for his own actions. And secondly, I wouldn't consider messaging "intimate stuff" as "stay[ing] faithful".

MariaLuna · 30/10/2023 23:29

Jesus OP, Please do not indulge this creep.

You know it's not for you. Listen to your intuition.

Pokinganose · 30/10/2023 23:48

He's saying that if you agree to be alone with him that you are giving him the green light that you're interested.
My advice is that its all ego based, he will never leave his wife and why bother with a man that cheats on someone as he obviously can't be trusted to keep it in his pants.
Move on. He'll cheat with someone else if not you. How would you like to be in his wife's position.
Men like that are sneaky fucus.

straitshoota · 30/10/2023 23:52

Wow. Just wow. It's the dissonance. Are you trying to figure out why he just won't throw caution to the wind and cheat on his wife with you?
How is life with you? Are you happy? Do you have anything productive going on that's worth putting your energy into? Do you have a values system that grounds you? Do you have the emotional bandwidth to put yourself in his wife's shoes? Do you have any self respect that's worth holding on to? Can you not see the games this 'man' is playing?

porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 23:58

Find God OP. Smile I did it all, anonymous group sex, married men, you name it, and it doesn't compare to, like the PP said, having a value system. No one sticks to it all the time, but to have that yardstick of what you're trying to live up to is transformative.

2021x · 31/10/2023 00:08

2 things...

  1. He is already blaming you for his behaviour. "She made me", "She took advantage of me" "She knew I couldn't be trusted". He is making it sound like you are the one in control when really it's him. He wants excitement, nothing more, and when that's gone, so will he be. I can also guarantee you are not the only one he is talking to like this.
  2. Time to do some work on yourself, OP. You also like excitement and to feel special, to the point where it isn't good for you, and there will be reasons for that :)

Good Luck.

Mummyshark2019 · 31/10/2023 00:21

Stop being a home wrecker and find an available man.

Ladyj84 · 31/10/2023 00:24

Clearly you have no standards to message intimate stuff knowing he is married!

MMmomDD · 31/10/2023 00:31

@Mangotango123

I think I commented on your post in Jan.
Is that still the same man who works in the village shop or smth?

Nothing seems to have change since then -
except you are separated now.
If you want to date - get out there and date.
If you want to just have sex - look for a FWB.

This guy hasn’t acted on anything for 10mo. He just likes the chase and an idea.

Why waste your time on him?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 31/10/2023 06:34

Why would you have a conversation with a man who is telling you in black and white that he doesn’t want to ever meet up with you?
Where do you see this going?

If he fancied you, even in the slightest, he would have sex with you.
Its an ego boost.

You are literally offering it to him on a plate and he’s still turning you down.

Are you not embarrassed by that?

Save what little dignity you have left and go and find someone single who actually wants to be alone with you and wouldn’t act regretful or disgusted after he’s had sex.
Find someone who you can go out on dates with and not be someone’s dirty little secret because they are ashamed to be with you.

RiderofRohan · 31/10/2023 08:54

OP, stop being a trainwrecker. He's attracted to you but he loves his wife. That will never change and you'll just be left used and with a broken heart.

Why do you think it is ok the sext a married man?

FartSock5000 · 31/10/2023 09:45

@Mangotango123 you don't owe his wife anything. You never made her vows and you aren't married to her so off you go and shag him...

But think on the prize you are getting. He is a liar and a cheat. Do you think your vagina will magically change him and make him loyal, trustworthy and committed?

Nope.

Do yourself a favour and up your standards.

There is a saying "F*ck around and find out" that works in your situation. You mess around with a lying cheat then you're gonna end up winning a lying cheat and you can't cry to anyone when down the line he is cheating on YOU.

Use the messaging as an ego boost. Its fun and flattering but don't fall for him or encourage a physical relationship. You owe yourself better than that and then you can at least walk away knowing you didn't help to implode a marriage and shatter another person.

Lowtower · 31/10/2023 12:12

Stop being a c*nt and block and delete his number.

You can't control what he does, but my word you need to stop this shit for your own sake.

EvenBetta · 31/10/2023 12:23

How embarrassing for you 😄

WhamBamThankU · 31/10/2023 12:25

Stop communicating with him, he isn't yours.