I stayed but I haven’t forgiven. Now that might surprise you but I didn't believe I needed to forgive. I needed to accept that this had happened in our marriage and I needed to find some degree of belief that he would be the man he wanted to be, and be a safe partner for me but imho what he did was not something I could forgive. FWIW I don’t think he forgives himself either. So forgiveness to ME is overrated.
It took a good few years. I had a friend who went through a similar experience and split with her husband and we both healed in the allotted time frame 2-5 years. It got easier after 2, not so raw, by 5 we were both able to talk about our experiences without that sense of devastation. Time is a healer whether you stay or go.
Yes you will question and I can only talk for myself and say that demystifying the affair and unravelling the ‘secrets’ between them did help me. It doesn’t work for everyone I’m sure, but you’ll know what helps you process.
The most important thing when launching it to reconciliation is to be as sure as you can that your husband truly remorseful. Not guilty, ashamed and regretful. Those emotions get them stuck in the nasty shame cycle which leads to false reconciliation, further contact with AP, continued desire for validation and the flaws that led them to the affair will still be driving them.
Remorse is doing 100% to heal the marriage, full transparency, work to being a better person, introspective thinking as to why the affair happened and apportioning zero blame to the betrayed spouse. I’ve watched many many stories since my experiences and remorse is rare. Cheats willing to do this are described as unicorns and I get that. I truly do.
As for staying once you have what you believe is a remorseful partner your next hurdle is intense shame for staying. This almost crippled me. If you knew me irl you’d know I’m no wall flower or any other rude term used to describe women who stay on here, I’m happy, strong, independent but I truly valued my family unit above all and if I could hold it together with the man I loved, I intended to do that, for all the reasons @PeacefulPottering has beautifully put. I had to dig really deep to unpick what would make ME happiest, and I did. Once I’d really come to terms with what was important to me, the shame left and I worked hard to heal alongside him. Simply put it wasn’t a deal breaker over what I wanted for my happiness, so I adjusted. Don’t get me wrong, one more sign and he’s gone.
This is the part where you may decide that staying is not for you and that’s fine too. Infidelity is the worst thing I’d ever gone through really facing that the people we loved stole our personal agency and right to sexual consent is huge, really facing that head on, knowing that you’ve been betrayed by someone who was supposed to make you feel safe, it’s hell. But surviving and thriving however you do that is amazing.
I hope I’m not too controversial when I say I’m not a fan of Esther Perel. The stuff I read and watched tended towards a sense of blaming the marriage, and that if we meet someone’s needs we can fix it. I don’t agree with that at all (thankfully neither does my husband). I’m very much a proponent for the idea we cannot control outcomes by loving someone right amount of sex, right amount of validation, right amount of gifts, attention, romance etc etc . They need to love themselves and want fidelity for themselves. They need to want to retain their moral compass and be the person they want to be.
Cheating is on the cheat, not on the marriage.
But each to their own and I know some love her and she strikes a chord with them.
I’ve written more than I usually do, usually I’d just say go to Surviving Infidelity read and then post there. The views are more balanced and nuanced and the experienced of the moderators is second to none. If you haven’t got a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ get one and affair recovery videos can be great too.
Knowledge is power in beating this by understanding affairs and what drives them, whatever your choice may be.
Good luck and a hug I know this is a hard hard path.