After the affair

[Owlgirl1987]

Just wondered if anyone has been in the same situation as me where their partner / husband had an affair and you forgave them and stayed together ? If so how long did it take for tou to feel like you had got through the worst and was over it and didn't feel the need to ask them questions and question yourself and your worth ?

The other line that stands out.

My husband says I’ll never get over this affair. He’s right you won’t. You may be lucky enough to create a new marriage but you’ll never get over it. Of course you won’t.

Did he say this in a woe is me type of way? Why do you love me when I am soooo awful? Why do you stay with me when you can’t forgive me? He’s trying to push the process along. He can’t. He fucked this. He needs to deal with the consequences.It takes years and it isn’t a case of getting over it.
If he can’t grasp that you won’t heal.

What are you talking about in counselling? It’s interesting that he’s okay with counselling. I hope it’s not become a cheating husbands unmet needs session. If he’s doing the work he should be very, very uncomfortable. If your marriage counsellor talks about unmet needs - sack them. I’d laugh and walk out with my head held high. For example you cannot shag someone into being faithful - you are not that powerful and you don’t have that level of control. If we could control people’s integrity and honesty there would be no cheating (and I guess no crime 🤷‍♀️).

@FairyMaclary too right. “Unmet needs” 🙄 The biggest unmet need here is the huge metaphorical kick up the arse he’s lacking.

@Thewookiemustgo that expression 'unmet needs' really pisses me off- the minute a bloke on here starts threads with that I can guarantee it's usually about sex or not buttering up his ego enough - Many women have mountains of unmet needs and whilst it can sometimes be about sex, it often is about lack of sharing domestically or on life admin or always putting time with mates /hobbies before partner or bloke going on blokes holiday and no money left for family holiday etc, etc . Far too many women instead of 'having it all' are 'doing it all'

I feel you. I tried for a year to reconnect. It didn't work. I am not gonna say that I lost 1 year...as this was a chance for me, my family and a time to prepare myself to move. And it prove to me that I couldn't get over it. I lost the admiration and respect I had for him. He was the guy!!! And suddenly he just became a trash.

Every situation is different, but in my case, during the year I tried, I haven't seen any change in his behaviour...just lies. Eight years has passed and I don't regret my decision to leave a single day.
We deserve better! We deserve respect, to feel loved and care for...Don't settle for less.

@justagirl13 I understand that. I found out 10 years afterwards- if I had found out at the time I would have ended things. I have stayed and we get on well , but it certainly tarnished how I feel- it blows the candle of specialness out I feel

@Crikeyalmighty tricky. The feeling probably is same...but 10 years afterwards...a lot to consider and try to move on.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My former partner cheated on me - he confessed out of the blue, as far as I know unprompted (i.e. no-one else had threatened to tell me). It was more 'microcheating' but it still came out of the blue and absolutely devastated me. He was so apologetic, made all the right noises, and I was so blindsided I chose not to end the relationship. Pretty much as soon as he knew I wasn't going to leave, all the promises he'd made about the things he'd do to make me feel better started to evaporate. He'd go to therapy...except it was too expensive. He'd delete those women from social media...but he forgot. He wouldn't go out and get drunk...except for when it was his brother's birthday/his friend's stag do/a Friday and he was bored.

He ended our relationship about a year later for an unrelated reason and part of the upset I felt over the relationship ending was the feeling of humiliation that I'd decided to give him a second chance, I'd tried to be generous and supportive and forgiving, and then he'd ended it and it made me feel like I wasn't the one who was good enough. I know it was right for the relationship to end but I know now I never really processed the damage that finding out about the cheating did to me, my self esteem, or the relationship. The whole remainder of the time we were together, I felt deep within me that there was something 'off'. Even though I still loved him, and we had happy times after that, I never felt truly safe or comfortable in the relationship ever again, and that did a huge amount of damage to my sense of self, even though it was a (comparatively) short relationship.

A bit of a different situation, but as a teenager I had a relationship with my much older and married teacher. In the end, through various permutations and after flip flopping, he went back to his wife and she took him back. She was very angry at him but even angrier at me, which is as you'd expect. She had been my teacher as well and it was a mess. I was 20 odd when it ended and had been 15 when it began.

Anyway, I'm in my forties now and look back on that period as a kind of bizarre madness that overtook my life for a while. But she stayed with him long term, i know because my husband crossed paths with her in a work capacity and she was apparently a fucker to work with. My husband knows about what happened with me and her but didn't tell her that he knew me, obviously. After a few months he and a colleague were moaning about this woman, specifically at the insane hours she expected from them, and the colleague (who'd worked with her longer and knew her better) said "oh ignore that, she only spends so long at work to avoid her husband, by all accounts she's in a terrible marriage".

My husband didn't divulge what he knew of her marriage, but told me. Okay, it's only hearsay, but that piece of info has come from somewhere and It made me so sad because this was 20 odd years later and she could have had a whole new life. They had no kids and she was 15yrs older than me, so had been 35 when she found out that about her husband. 20 years later and she was still with that faithless arsehole, living that life.

Meanwhile, whilst it was traumatising for me and a horrible experience, I've got a faithful and kind husband and am treated with respect in my relationship. Whatever they've been through since, she must have felt disrespected every day since, how could she not?

I know the set up of my affair is an unusual one, but the fundamental grimness of the affair is the same. Having seen it up close from the other side, I couldn't stay. I know the things that are done and said when a man cheats on his wife and remember them all too well. No one would ever do that to me and continue to have my time and love.

Much love and strength to everyone going through this. It's bloody horrible for everyone involved and may you find happiness in whatever you decide. But please do remember that ultimately, anyone who cheats on their spouse fundamentally has no respect for them and that's a tough pill to swallow.

Another one saying watch out if you are going to therapy. I went for my own therapy, from a well known and respected organisation - who not only said the Ex may have had unmet needs, but that I was only seeing it from my perspective - that I may have thought that the relationship was fine but maybe my Ex didn’t…

Really not good therapy! I ended it then. The last thing I needed was an apologist for my Ex. I wanted to talk, finally, about me, my feelings and my life! Not the poor Ex who obviously had to cheat… such nonsense.

@YokoOnosBigHat if he pursued you at age 15 he was abusive and you were vulnerable and under age. I don’t doubt that his marriage was probably abusive as well.

Oh, 100% the man was a total toe rag. But my point about having seen from the inside what men who have affairs do behind their wives backs still stands. It's not just the sex: it's the disrespect and fact that they don't see their wives needs as being as important as theirs.

@YokoOnosBigHat you are so right. The devaluing of the wife, the demeaning. It’s not just something that happens in their lives. It’s like an attack to the other.

@SingleMum11 demeaning is exactly the word. Some of the things my affair partner/toe rag teacher used to say about his wife! They were awful, disrespectful, unkind and just nasty. And he also told me about private things to do with her life and her body and her past. I literally and metaphorically saw inside her knicker drawer; to me that would be much worse than the physical fact of the sex. I mean, I would hate that my husband had had sex with someone else too, don't get me wrong, but that isn't the worst of it as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't be able to get over that he would have thought so little of me that he could do it, and likely shared those thoughts of contempt with his mistress.

8 months on from finding out, husband was facetime mastibating with work collegue. Found out he was addicted to porn & this was an extension of that. We are trying to work things out, improve our relationship and I hope we make it. I am battered, bruised and my trust in him is shattered. I was doing everything and he was doing nothing as he was so busy....

well that has changed he has started to become the partner I had been asking for. I now take time for myself, look better have lost weight.

Time will tell

@YokoOnosBigHat it must have had a negative affect on you too, you were so young. Yes for me I did actually read a couple of things that my Ex said about me to his OW, and it still makes me feel awful just thinking about it. That level of betrayal feels like a physical punch. It’s worse than me thinking about the sex. He even belittled my loyalty, he told the OW that it was sad for me, as I was in love with him still but that he just didn’t feel the same… making me out to be some needy wife! And I was at the time caring for our SN young child. What an asshole.

@HeatherGrayIsACheatingBitch what an awful situation for you. Yes keep centering your life around you, not keeping your man in the relationship. It was not your fault.

That sounds so shit, I assume by your user name that you didn't work it out in the end?

My brother had an 18 month long affair with our step brother's wife, it exploded the family and caused no end of pain and my fucking amazing sister in law took him back for some reason and the therapist they saw said this. That she needed to be clearer with him about her expectations for the relationship and not just expect him to know what she wants from him. Such a load of bollocks.
I did tell her I thought she should find someone new who didn't agree so quickly with DBs pov but they carried on. 3.5 years later and they're still together.

I'm liking your name @HeatherGrayIsACheatingBitch. I may consider changing mine to a similar theme.😂

@HeatherGrayIsACheatingBitch love it!

@throughgrittedteeth wow that was a huge betrayal, right in the centre of the family, your brother and step brother’s wife? How did they ever think that would come out ok? Yeah a lot of therapists buy the myth that relationship problems are all down to communication… cheating is communicating something alright!

I did give my Ex another chance, he was remorseful, we had a young child. But he cheated again and now looking back it was part of a devaluing of me. If I were to advise anyone considering taking back someone who cheated, I’d say kick him out for at least 6 months and get some perspective. It could be part of a wider negative pattern, where you don’t evolve together in a relationship. You can’t, because in reality you haven’t been in one that has had a fair chance.

Your husband doesn't sound very sorry OP. He sounds like he tries to make you feel bad for still thinking about the affair. Staying together can only work if the person who had the affair is prepared to do some serious grovelling. Going to therapy and being allowed to talk about how much he misses the OW is not helpful or kind. Leave him OP.

There are a lot of variables. How long/bad the infidelity was, how remorseful and willing to work your partner is, how resilient you are as a person. Your mental health and other issues in your life.

I would say anout 2 years to get over the worst, then about 5 to get to something near normality.

My partner had a ONS, initial he told me out of guilt. Rather than remorse and trickled out the truth for 3 months. Which actually caused as much damage as he ONS. I am an overthinker who takes things very personallyand a tendancy to be vengeful. I was also suffering PND when it happened.

It was realy rough. But eventually I decided to accept it and stay. Remember that you can change your mind at any time, I found that quite reassuring. It might also help to look into what going alone would look like. House prices, benefits etc. Get yourself a plan B just in case.

I haven't forgiven, I will never forget. Most of the time I just feel a little sad and dissapointed in him when I think about it.

That said. Last week was the 9 year anniversary of D-day, usualy he makes the effort to acknowledge and see if i want to speak about it. The past few years i havent, but appreciate his consideration. This year he didn't, he thought perhaps we were past it all - wrong.

We ended up having a bit of an argument and he said admitted something that he had previously denied and I was back to year 1. Hence trawling the relationship board.

So, my advice, it's shit and he/she really has to be someone special to be worth the pain and effort for trying. Don't do it for the kids, and don't do it because you are scared of going alone. Wishing you strength at this difficult time.

My experience is of a friend who tried to rebuild with partner, only to later found out all his apparent openness and honesty, and remorse, about his affair was a lie as OW after OW, whom he had never mentioned before, contacted her.

He had always seemed like one of life’s good guys, and so sincere about his love for her and determination to rebuild their relationship. So no, I would never trust a man who cheated now. If he could claim to be sorry and being honest now, and still be lying, any man could.

I think they were caught up in the fantasy of it all, she's quite a bit older than him and had known him since he was 11 and she was 24. So it felt really creepy on top of all the betrayal too. It was really dreadful.

To reiterate your point though, my sister in law kicked him out for 8 months and really worked through it with him first as coparents, then they did therapy and decided they would try again but she let him sweat for a long time. The only thing that has helped them is she's allowed to ask anything she wants about it at any time.

@IAmtheVampiresWife @pumpkinsareshortlived Her husband is still in the dark . I have his contact details. She is Christian & from a very Christian family.

My life has been in turmoil, I want her to hurt as much as I & my family have been (I know it takes two & he is not innocent but he at least gets to know my feelings) To make contact would be very messy and I would gain nothing.

Itsbetter to move on and hopefully time will help, until then I get to rant occasionally. Oh and if you know a Heather it might just be her with a secret 🤔