After the affair

[Owlgirl1987]

Just wondered if anyone has been in the same situation as me where their partner / husband had an affair and you forgave them and stayed together ? If so how long did it take for tou to feel like you had got through the worst and was over it and didn't feel the need to ask them questions and question yourself and your worth ?

Fantastically put!

I've namechanged for this because I don't want this linked with my usual username.

My DH had an affair about 4 years ago and we're still together. I don't really think about it very often and don't feel particularly upset about it- I probably would if I really sat and dwelled on it. But there are so many variables that I'm not sure any other person's story can really predict how your situation will work out

When I found out, I refused to be pressured into making a decision- I asked him to move out of the bedroom and made it very clear that I expected him to do everything in his power to give me space to heal- not just literal space but also taking on more of the child wrangling/housework/millions of other jobs that make you feel like you can't catch your breath and think. He was very upset and begging me not to leave him when I found out but I said I wouldn't tolerate any pressure from him to make a decision, if he couldn't deal with the uncertainty then he was welcome to leave. I found it easier to respect him again because he did what I asked despite no promises that we'd stay together.

I spent six months having therapy and time to spend on the things that make me happy, and then decided I wanted to give things another go- it was extremely helpful that I'd built up more of an independent life for myself apart from him. I don't think he would cheat again, but if he does it's not the end of the world. The time I spent looking after myself has left me feeling stronger and more 'complete' than I did before so I know I'll be fine if things go down the pan.

It has changed the relationship. I still love him, but I'm more focused on ensuring my own happiness than I was before. I trust him because he's completely changed his lifestyle and shows me that he's 100% committed to our family. If it turns out I'm wrong about that, I can live with it. But I am generally an extremely pragmatic person- I understand that my decision and way of thinking about it will not suit everyone.

I suppose the best advice I can give you if you're still reeling in the aftermath of an affair but don't want to split up is to do absolutely nothing other than caring for yourself. Take all the energy that you could be spending trying to fix it (when it's HIS fault that there's something to fix) and plough all that energy into self care. Let the dust settle- You don't have to make a decision right now if you don't want to- but I'd advise some distance. You can't make a proper decision if you've got pressure from him.

So sorry you're going through this

I totally agree with you about Ester Perel. Her theories of why infidelity happens sound like someone who has cheated trying to rationalise it and make themselves look or feel better and put the betrayed spouse in the position of feeing they have to 'be better' or that they are partly responsible for the affair. Whereas a lot of the time, I really feel it's often just because of the novelty of someone different etc and because the cheating party was weak and complacent.

I stayed. Seven years and a three year old later the bastard did it again, and probably more in between. It really, really isn't worth staying for most people.

@FloweryPumpkin1 @Susieb2023 another one here re Esther Perel.

My STBEXH never stopped pining after the OW, for around two years. I don’t know why he didn’t just save everyone a lot of time and admit how he felt about her when I found out.

It honestly makes no sense when they do this.

How did you know he was pining for her, did he eventually admit it?

The more I read on here about post affair behaviour, the less I understand why they behave the way they do!

I forgave an affair but turned myself into an emotional paranoid wreck in doing so. Trust was gone from there on in and I fretted every time his phone rang etc etc. And in the end he dumped me by text message 5 mins after climbing out of our bed and leaving for work....as he had someone else on the sidelines he thought was better. I would never put myself through this again. I walked away with my head held high and never looked back. I now have a faithful loving partner who I trust implicitly. Once a cheat always a cheat. Lifes too short to be disrespected and second best. Look after yourself x

Well I do think they didn’t speak for a long time, but that seemed to have only increased the tension in some way…

He finally admitted how he’d felt about her all along as I had suspected!

I often wonder how it would have been if he left, but I can't bare the thought of him with another woman, more so someone I know.^^

I know you are having couples therapy, but are you having your own personal therapy with a properly qualified psychotherapist or chartered psychologist ? What you say here is totally understandable and it relates to you. There are two stages to working out whether there is a real chance of a fulfilling life ahead as couple for you : a) focus on yourself, what this experience is telling you about yourself. You are the priority here, not 'the couple contract' that the other person broke.

And then once you have sorted that out a bit b) understanding more now about what my wants and needs are and why I have those wants and needs, is this person really still the one that is capable of meeting the valid wants and needs that I have and of appreciating the energy I put in to meeing their wants and needs?

This is very common. You have engaged yourself in a battle to the death to hold onto this person because you cannot bear the idea of someone taking that from you and it has left you no space to reflect on who you are and whether this person is the right one for you in the long run. I would always suggest one-to-one therapy before couples therapy.

@Owlgirl1987 - please listen to@Thewookiemustgo her words are so accurate and wise. You are early days at the moment and whilst the natural instinct is there to compare yourself, stop. OW could have been anyone.

The cheating is totally on him. He is now suffering from limerence which wears off with time and the statistics for cheats leaving a marriage for OW are very low indeed. He was caught up in the secretive and exciting aspects of the affair and happy to cake eat until discovery which is no reflection on you at all so do not give him an easy ride by rolling over, treading on egg shells. If you've made the decision to try to salvage the marriage place your needs first and foremost but move forward in a confident positive way and hopefully with time a genuine connection between you both will re-emerge.

Ester the adulterers apologist should not even get air time. I had no time for her at all post discovery, but what I did find useful in a comforting kindly sort of way and a website I still read today is:
https://www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp

Great to see I’m not alone in the loathing of all Perel infidelity nonsense.

@Owlgirl1987 I’ve read all your posts and tbh my heart is breaking for you. I’m going to be very gentle here but your husband sounds like he’s not ready for reconciliation. He expects you to get over it, rug sweep your pain and listen to all his bleating about how awful it all is for him without any consideration of the harm it has done to you.

This is going to be hard to hear but I learnt you have to be prepared to lose the marriage to save the marriage. I was totally bewildered by that when it was first said to me but it’s so true.

Your work needs to be in your individual counselling sessions and he needs to be doing the same, I’d argue neither of you are ready for marriage counselling. These sessions just sound like a chance for him to whine and moan and for you to just endure more pain.

Your work needs to be healing you because quite frankly he sounds completely unable/unwilling to be the man you need right now. This is very common but the shift from this shame/guilt/pining cycle to remorse is when reconciliation can happen. Your husband does not sound remorseful.

Your palpable pain around comparing yourself is awful to read. But his affair was not a reflection of you and your worth it was a reflection of his ego, selfishness and entitlement. Realising how little the affair partner matters is a huge part of healing. I’m convinced affairs follow addictive behaviours, cake eating cheats like your husband are addicted to the highs, the control, the power, what they see reflected back in the eyes of the AP. it’s rarely about the affair partner and their ‘assets’.

Right now you need to find a side of you you’ve never found before the side that does not need this man. The side of you that completely knows your worth. There is such power in this, believe you and me.

My husband changed the day he realised my love and my staying was not a done deal. It was the day he realised I was no wilting violet, he did better or I was out and I was not worried about being alone. I would rather that than have the pathetic excuse for a human in front of me, wanting me to put up and shut up, no that was not going to be me anymore. He shifted into remorse and suddenly he got it, his actions become consistent and we continued to heal together.

Your selfish, entitled man child grows up or ships out. I’m not saying he can’t do and be better (this stage is frighteningly common) but right now please focus on your healing. Your path forward will feel clearer when you can see he’s not the be all and end all!

I hope you’ve found surviving infidelity, honestly the support you’ll find there is second to none, although it’s refreshing to see so many wise and empathic posters here now too.

@Susieb2023 is so right OP, put yourself first and take back the control. Must admit I thought your counselling sessions sounded more like him almost grandstanding at his own pity party. I don’t think he ‘gets it’ either, and as Susieb says (and I found out) once he’s seen that unless he shapes up and puts you first he might not even have a marriage, he won’t be able to wallow and still play the victim, because he has to put his energy into saving the marriage and healing the awful damage he’s done. The about turn usually follows. Time to set boundaries around what you will not tolerate any longer and tell him what him staying looks and sounds like or he can leave.

I’m not saying that counselling can’t be helpful and doesn’t work, but my DH attended marriage counselling almost like a very ‘low effort’ way of making it seem like he was interested in fixing things. He just had to turn up and comply for an hour. His feelings fundamentally for me, and for the OW never changed. It was basically to keep me quiet.

so I’d advocate more for individual counselling first. If possible.

@Jolie654 I’m so sorry you went through that.
OP Counselling can only work if both parties are there for the same reason and are fully invested in the process and working towards a good outcome, whatever that might look like.
After discovery cheaters are usually in panic damage limitation mode and running around like a headless chicken, because their selfishness and entitlement also run parallel to the ego boosting they are being fed. They end up believing their own press, they are invincible, in full control and nobody will find out. On discovery they have to face the fact that rather than being a legend in their own lifetime (that the OW and affair convinces them they are), they can’t even limp through being a legend in their own lunchtime and are in danger of having to look in a reality mirror and seeing who they truly have become.
This also means they are finally being forced to choose, which will involve loss. They usually don’t know what to do at this point. Most don’t want to lose the marriage but then have to face OW and fear what she might do depending on how many lies and how much future faking he has told her.
So damage limitation kicks in. Minimise everything, length of affair, feelings involved, promises made to OW, and keep OW and partner apart at all costs. Agree to counselling, beg forgiveness, agree to pretty much anything except hand over phone/ devices and avoid financial transparency which will show it up in all its horrific glory. Lie to OW, string her along, do not piss her off in case she contacts the wife, and say and do anything to buy time.
Whilst also of course trying not to look like a cheating entitled shit, so … it must be your fault, the marriage’s fault, OW’s fault, anybody and anything’s fault except theirs.
Cheaters suddenly faced with an unexpected shitshow means a selfish person still in affair mode will still behave selfishly until they see their partner really means it, that if they even want to be considered as a partner after what they did they need to face the music properly and change, or as Susieb puts it, shape up or ship out.
OP the first few months after discovery should be taken with a huge pinch of salt until he really gets what he’s done to you and accepts full responsibility for the affair, and full responsibility for sorting this shit out.

Ditto. 'Forgave' a one off thing as I was heavily pregnant and had an almost 2 year old at the time. Took him a while but he did it again but a full blown affair 10 years later. I don't regret those 10 years but if I'm completely honest, I never felt the same way about him and our marriage as I always felt a bit disposable after that and detached a bit as a result.

Hi OP

I am so sorry for what you are going through, there is no other feeling like it. I have been cheated on, and it truly was a horrendous experience to go through. I do truly believe that my partner at the time was remorseful, however, he went to individual counselling and did everything he could to make it up to me. Sadly it wasn't enough for us, but I do know of couples who have successfully reconciled.

I am posting here though because I wanted to show you the other side too. If I cause upset to yourself or to other readers, I am sorry and that is not my intention. I have however, had an affair myself. Years after I was cheated on. I won't justify it, I was single but I was the OW. I won't explain the circumstances, but I truly believed I was in love with this man who had a long term partner. I won't get into whether it was limerance or love or lust or whatever else, the fact is that at the time and for a long time after I thought I was in love. The reason I'm explaining is because the MM (I'll call him MM, he wasn't married but may as well have been) came clean out of the blue to his partner. He said he couldn't handle the guilt. She genuinely had no idea we had been seeing eachother for a very long time, and I wasn't going to tell her - I had actually ended the "relationship" because he didn't leave like he said he would. Since that day he has messaged me every single day. Not even to ask for us to be together, but he has always 'checked in' with me. If he was truly remorseful, I believe that he would have blocked/deleted me and had nothing to do with me ever again. This is a man who everyone thought "Mr ABC wouldn't do that, he's such a family man. He's so lovely." I think what he is doing now is worse than when he was cheating, because he's supposed to be reconciling.

You can only do what is right for you, but I would say keep an eye out for 'signs' - I don't really know what they could be, but maybe trust your gut. You are under no pressure to make a decision now as PP have said, you can walk away at any point.

I also saw that you said you compare yourself a lot to the OW. I know it's torture, but please don't. I don't know if it's any consolation but Mr ABC never once spoke badly of his partner, he said he just unexpectedly fell for me. Again, I won't get into whether that actually happened or not, or whether it was lust or limerance etc. She is in no way superior to you, she doesn't have something you don't have. All we get as OW is the polished version of Mr ABC. We didn't see their bad habits, and we also didn't get to share the special moments with them. It's a fantasy land with as many lows as there are highs. He chose you OP, and he's still there now with you. I would just make sure that he is doing everything he can to make it up to you and to show you that the old him has gone, and the new one is working hard to be the best person he can be for you. I believe only those who are truly remorseful will be able to save their relationship.

I apologise if I have caused any upset to anyone reading this.

Yes I agree that’s worse in a way. How long has he been messaging / since he told her? Perhaps they’re not truly reconciling. Could just be damage limitation…

@Jolie654 coming up to 7 months. I've never threatened to tell his partner anything, so I don't know why he's still contacting me.

@Throwawaytoast that is a very honest account. Although, I wouldn’t be texting someone back as it’s not fair on his partner. Cheating exists partly because the OW enables it to if they are aware that person is attached. I think the decent thing to do now would be to block his number.

@Sunshineandflipflops yes looking back one of the things I am most angry about is how my Ex cheated whilst I was pregnant and then again later. I’m angry because it harms a child at the most vulnerable and dependent times of its life. How can a father bring a child into this world, and then stress the mother out, neglect her, not be around to support bringing up the child? It’s terrible really. Cheating is not victimless. My Ex for example was constantly texting OW whenever he on the very few occasions was sole parent and I was off with my friends or on a course. Our child suffered because of his lack of attention. He will never admit that.

@SingleMum11 i don’t respond, but I can’t bring myself to block him. I know I should. Anyway just wanted to offer another perspective, sorry if I’ve upset anyone.

7 months of texts without a response is definitely worrying! Block that one for his and your mental health!

Op I gave read your posts and one line jumps out at me the most.

It just happened.

Err no it didn’t. Slipping on ice and breaking your leg just happened. Crossing over and over and over again to make a series of conscious decisions (instead of being honest) is a CHOICE he made. He did this thousands to times. It didn’t just happen. Until he realises this he is unsafe.

I am reposting an old post of mine now -

Cheaters are liars. They lie to their spouse, the other person and themselves. They are proven liars.

I believe cheaters cheat due to character defects. Poor self esteem, the need for external validation, poor self control, lack of self discipline, compartmentalising, inability to self soothe, arrogance, lack of empathy, poor communication or inability to communicate how he feels, holds onto resentment rather than having discussions. Of course not all have every characteristic but look at him carefully.

They lack integrity and self respect. Someone who had integrity would ‘kill or cure’ the marriage before sneaking about like a 15 year behind the bike sheds. It’s not a good look for a 15 year old never mind an adult with kids.

When you look closely at him and his personality you will see these defects were present long before you met him. He has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if I won’t get caught. I am faithful but not on a stag do with the lads. I am faithful but a strip club doesn’t count.

Anyone is capable of cheating, tinder sits only a few clicks away. Being faithful is an active choice SOME people make. I stood in front of friends and family and made vows. I did that willingly. I choose to have integrity as i like and respect who I am. I am far from perfect and I accept there are people funnier, smarter and prettier then me. But I like myself and if my words are meaningless then what or who am I?

I stay faithful for me. I have integrity and self control. Integrity is one of my core values and im not going to let myself down. My husband is collateral damage to my decisions. I don’t do it FOR him (he’s annoying at times and he can’t make me do anything) I am faithful for me. I respect myself.

Unless he really discovers who he is. Unless you really rip up the floor of your relationship and he recognises the lack of respect he chose to have in this (and no doubt other) aspects of his life he is unsafe as a partner. Sadly the character traits a cheater has makes it tricky for them to fix themselves. Needing ego kibbles/external validation and low integrity and lying are hard to fix. To recognise yourself as someone who chose to abuse your spouse (an affair is abusive - gaslighting, putting sexual and mental health in danger, lying, sneaking etc) is hard to do. They want to be the good guy in their story.

Any counsellor who mentions unmet needs you need to run a mile from. It’s nonsense. If you are unhappy you talk, divorce or put up with it. Sneaking about doesn’t solve your problems it just adds more. My choices and values matter to me I have to live with me forever, you can’t make anyone cheat we are not that powerful.

Meeting another’s needs won’t give them integrity and self respect.

** choosing - bloody autocorrect

@Thewookiemustgo yes- as your H put it succinctly- he was in love with the situation, rather than the other person- I think this is very very common- many (men and women) find themselves in love with the ego boost, the excitement, the secrecy, the novelty, the forbidden ness of an affair - it isn't always a desparate love for another person- it's often seen as a bit of excitement in what can often be a bit of a Groundhog Day life and a bit of reality in many cases would call it stone dead