Adult DD angry with me about things from the past

[Klona]

I was a very young mum when I had DD and quickly fell pregnant with DD2. The second pregnancy my ex was not happy about and it’s one of the reasons we split up. He was 5 years older than me and somewhat abusive emotionally, financially and then later physically. I had come straight from a bad childhood with abuse and had low self esteem but I wanted to protect my DD’s so I left him.

This low self esteem led to me to many of the classic single mum errors of judgment in the first few years. I was alone and lost as an adult for the first time having not really had a proper childhood or adolescence and no real parenting support from ex or learnt from my own parents. I got into debt, wanted to go out a lot, dated unsuitable men but as I matured I realised that I was being selfish and I changed my life.

I worked hard and got better and better jobs, our lives got nicer and we felt less poor. I paid all my debt off, stopped dating men completely and put my DD’s first. I also cut my parents out a significant amount, went to therapy, learned how to parent and put them first.

I have never stopped feeling guilty about any of the stupid things I did do, although I tried to shield them from most of it and it did only go on a few years before I sorted myself out but to me that is no excuse. Things like on weekends I would pick them up from ex and be clearly hungover and not much fun. Or I would spend money going out instead of on them so I would get into debt to make up for it. Their dad wasn’t very helpful with parenting or money so I was alone and it was overwhelming and I would use my child free time to escape. I was very lonely.

They are adults now and we all still live together. I am not their friend I am their mum. I have a new partner who doesn’t live with us and he is very kind to my DD’s and they like him. I don’t force them to spend time together.

To be clear Ive lived alone with them since I left their dad and no one I dated lived with us. They didn’t even meet people I dated. I also stopped dating for 10 years until they were adults. We always had food and clothes and a warm clean home.

DD2 is very independent, calm and unbothered about past issues. when she was about 12 she cut contact down to barely anything with her dad as she found him to be controlling and doesn’t enjoy his company.

DD1 has always been a daddies girl so has found the split and later her sister cutting him off really hard. DD is still punishing me for everything, it’s so hard as I do feel guilty. she’s an adult now and I don’t know what more I can do to help mend this trauma. Can I mend it?

She’s jealous of her sister, angry with me for being a single mum and having hard times. She felt like she was responsible for me and she worried about me. I’ve tried to take this burden from her by being honest that I made mistakes and it wasn’t her job to look after me, but as a child it must have been upsetting. I do support her feelings but she is mean, angry and lashes out at me which is hard to handle now she’s older. She won’t help in the house and if I do go out now she complains about being left on her own. If I do stay home she sits in her room and ignores me. I cannot win. I’ve tried taking her out just us 2 bonding but she will still find a way to make me feel guilty. This weekend I went out and she left the house in a horrible mess. When I asked her to clean it up it became obvious she has done it to punish me for going out.

I worry about being the awful DM who has caused childhood trauma but this punishment/guilt dynamic is not helping anyone. I love her, I’m sorry, and want us to love each other in a healthy way.

has anyone been the angry DD themselves with their DM? Can you help me find a way forward?

How old is your DD1?

21

Your daughter is pretty much bullying you.

@itsmylife7 it does feel that way. But I think some of this is my own fault. She clearly was anxious as a child and it must have been unsettling for her. To see your mum struggling might have been scary and made her angry. I was angry at my parents for a long time at how they let me down. I have empathy for how she feels, she isn’t able to move on. I wish she would move on for her own sake not mine. I don’t know how to help or if I can

Would she consider therapy?

It sounds like you are trying to make things right, but her perception of your past choices and behaviour is clearly very different to your own. And that's fair enough. But she won't find peace or happiness down the path she's on now, trying to punish you for things you can't change - she has to find a way to heal. It may not be easy for her when she's living with you? Can she move out and gain some mental space from the situation? Time, distance, perspective..?

Whilst it doesn't sound like your DD1 had an idyllic childhood, you were the parent that stayed and there's a fuck load to be said for that.

Presumably, you kept a roof over their heads, food on the table, clean clothes, looked after them when they were ill, did school runs, packed lunches, changed nappies, got up in the night etc, and it sounds like (after a shakey start) you kept your love life separate from your home life and parenting.

It does annoy me when the parent who raised the DC and sacrificed large elements of their own life/career etc to do so gets told they weren't good enough, but the Disney dad (& let's face it, it usually is the dad) who flits in & out of their life is treated like some kind of hero.

If your DD1 loves her dad so much, maybe it's time she moved in with him? It could be the break you all need (& may make her realise how good she's got it with you).

Can you afford family therapy? It sounds like you’ve done the obvious stuff you could do to help, like acknowledging her feelings, admitting your mistakes, spending quality time together. It may be something that improves with age as although she is an adult she’s at an age where a lot of people aren’t actually very mature. As she becomes older she may be better able to take into account your own difficult upbringing, how young you were when you had her etc.

She's 21 - I thought you were going to say 14! I think you need to have a crank chat with her. Say you acknowledge her angers
/ feelings and respect the way she feels. However, lashing out and treating this way i your home when she is a grown woman is not acceptable.

I'd suggest you say you are worried about her and want her to get some help with theses issues. You can't undo the past. But you can change the future and have a happier one together. If it carries on she should consider moving out as this is not a good environment for either of you.

Therapy. Her feelings are valid, your feelings are valid, you need someone to come in and help you unpack them.

Thanks for everyone being kind! I was half expecting a bashing I don’t know why 🙈

Although she’s an adult she isn’t very mature yet and I feel responsible for my own actions and just want to make sure I am doing the right things now. I can’t change the past. I chose to have DC so it’s up to me to try my best. She’s angry for what are valid reasons to her and I can’t try convince her not to be just guide her to move on. I did suggest family counselling but she doesn’t want to. I know deep down she wouldn’t admit 😂 I am her world/rock she absolutely doesn’t want her dad at all she wants me, all of me, my undivided attention. She is hurt she had to share me or I was distracted.

She does have a different perception from her own angle to mine - she was too small to understand the why’s and have an understanding of what was going on as I didn’t talk to her, she was a child and I didn’t want to expose her to adult issues. All I’ve ever done is try to give reassurance. She doesn’t fully understand or know how awful her dad was to me or how bad money really was. She knows I worked a lot and she feels frustrated about that. She now feels like she is sharing me with my new DP. Ideally DD would like to lock me up in our house forever and me never leave it and she doesn’t want to leave home either.

Was she exposed to abuse as a child?

You say that you didn't leave your partner until dd2 and that both kids spent weekends with their dad.

If so, she might well be finding things very difficult.

Yes, your feelings are valid - you did your best.

Her feelings are also valid - it wasn't enough.

She needs therapy, and probably do do you.

Her feelings are valid, her behaviour isn't.

I would be having an adult to adult chat saying she either knocks it the fuck off or she can move out.

It sounds like she was parentified - she took on an adult role in the relationship.

This article may be helpful

www.healthline.com/health/parentification#long-term-effects

21 is still very young.
I had traumas in my upbringing and at 21 they were still really raw. I'm now 47 and all good now but lots of healing along the way.
But the improvements can come much before 47!
Her hurt it's valid but so it's the life you led and the way you made the best of a bad hand dealt.
She needs to come to understand your situation so she can forgive, and that can happen without her own distress being invalidated.
This can come through therapy or personal growth, will she be leaving the family home in future? That often brings some understanding of age and stage when she realises she's xyz at the age you were embarking on new parenthood.
Would she talk to someone?

Yes perfect way of viewing it - valid feelings but not valid behaviour.

At her age I already had her! It’s so weird to look back at that.

She was so happy in lockdown as I was home all the time with her WFH. I know it’s me she wants or is scared to let go of.

The abuse side is confusing, the answer is yes. she may well remember some things with me and her father. She absolutely remembers me leaving him, very vividly. I was calm but he was not. He has a short temper and did get into a few physical altercations with her as a child which I would intervene with him when I found out but he was very controlling of all 3 of us for a long time. DD learnt not to piss him off. He doesn’t make DD1 happy but she is still playing dutiful daughter as he had another child and DD is besotted with her half sibling. DD would find it hard to admit that she sticks around with half sibling to protect them from dad 🙁

She doesn’t fully understand or know how awful her dad was to me

At 21 I'd probably tell her at least some of the truth here. Even just "the relationship was very bad and I had to leave for all of our sakes. It would have been much worse if I'd stayed". Tell her she can have more detail if she wants it, but don't volunteer more unless she asks.

or how bad money really was. She knows I worked a lot and she feels frustrated about that.

Here I'd tell the whole truth. You had to work a lot because you had no choice - you needed to provide for your kids. Perhaps suggest she takes a look at the cost of housing, food, childcare etc, as clearly living at your house she has no idea of how expensive it is just to live.

She now feels like she is sharing me with my new DP.

This would get short shrift from me at this age. She's old enough to recognise that you are a whole person, with a life that cannot (and should not) entirely revolve around being a mum. If she chooses not to acknowledge that I wouldn't be inclined to pander to her.

This is a lot of trauma that she wouldn't have been able to process as a child, and it sounds like she has attachment issues as a result. She really does need therapy, before anything else.

@RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance
I don’t know how to guide her to therapy she is afraid of opening up. I hope she does one day so it doesn’t ruin her life. I’ve had therapy she knows this and I speak positively of it, I recall when I had therapy via zoom in lockdown as I was struggling with stress she was angry with me, I think me being unwell or struggling triggers her deeply.

She has apologised for being a little shit again but it was a terrible apology. She tried to laugh it off and make a joke out of it. It’s not funny. I did ask her to make it more genuine and then said we need to move on and act more respectfully

My sister was the same with my mum for a few years. I think it was partly jealousy, she didn't want to share my mum with anyone.

She was also a daddy's girl and he had more money to do nice things. It also easier to parent when you are only seeing your kids a few hours a week, no homework, nagging, getting up for school.

She also saw my dad being controlling (he was also abusive in other ways.
I think for a while she took his place, it seemed the 'winner' in that relationship was my dad, it was easier to try and control my mum as it made her feel safe and secure.

None of us live at home now and she has a great relationship with my mum, still bloody bossy though

She’s still very young, this isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour, but it’s some explanation.

If you can possibly afford therapy for her I would try and do that. I’d explain to her that you love her and you understand she has difficult feelings, you can’t change the past but you want to help her learn to manage them. But now she is 21, you need certain standards of behaviour when you are all living in the same house so you have a nice safe home. Obviously you also deserve some respect from her, and you should say that, but she’s displaying late adolescent behaviour here, so neutral reasoning will work better.

I suspect OP she may be a lot a angrier with her Dad than you think - it sounds like you are the safe parent, she can get angry in the safe knowledge you won’t leave her.

@Jouleigh this sounds very similar. She has taken her dads place. Sometimes her behaviour is a lot like his so she learnt it from him and the outcome is to control someone to feel safe. I am hoping it does get better with more years and living apart. She isn’t going anywhere yet though she is skint!

OP you sound like you have become an amazing mother and I really admire the way you have survived and changed yourself and situation, you have found so much strength.
To me your daughter sounds deeply insecure and I agree that therapy would help address attachment issues and help her process things, but hard if she is unwilling at present.
Can you have an open conversation with her where you start to share more of what happened as appropriate and ask her how she wants the future to be and how you can work together as a family to make a healthy loving unit.
As PP said you are not only a mother but you have a right to your life as a whole person too. Good luck OP

The picture that you are painting is of an abused child. You have said:

He got into a few physical altercations with her (I presume while she was still quite young as you broke up over DD2)

She remembers the incident where you two split up

She worried about you when you were a lone parent

She spends time with her half sibling because she is worried about the sibling spending time with her dad

In all seriousness, this is fairly major and way beyond normal teenager/late teenage rebellion.

She may well be very angry at you deep down because you did not protect her; but she can't let herself feel that because you are all she has. Therapy is the only way at to help her but she needs to come to that in her own time.

Just looking at your OP, you asked what can you do to move forward.

Step 1 would probably be saying to her that your job as parent was to make sure that she was safe, and that you failed in that job. Don't make excuses - eg I was young etc - just say I'm sorry. I should have kept you safe and I didn't.

Then see how she takes that.

It sounds like they went for weekends at their dad's after you split, when you knew he was physically abusive.

She may forgive you. She may not, but what you can do is be there for her now.

So say to her. I can see you are hurting. I got stuff wrong then but I want to fix it now.

@Octavia64 it was so hard at the time
He would tell me that he would take them away from me if I stopped him seeing them. In reality he only had them a few hours a week, one overnight and they were asleep most of it. I had to do the awful trade off between risking making it worse or just keeping it at the minimum I could get away with sending them. DD also wanted to go, if it had gone to court (I did get legal advice) he might have been given more time and she actively chose to see him of her own accord. She watched her sister stop going so she knew she has the option.

In other ways he was a dad who didn’t let them down with contact, he was consistently regular and he did things like buy them bikes and take them places. I always stood up to him if it was about the DD’s and he did calm down towards them, when DD would lash back at him I think it shocked him. He completely changed when DD2 stopped visiting and has been much nicer since then. DD’s half sibling is very spoilt with toys but emotionally disregulated like DD can be. I also know DD just feels it’s her job to be protective. She was always her sisters mini mum

I remember DD always called me mummy and one day when she was about 11 just never called me anything again. She calls me mum if she’s talking about me to someone else, but never calls me mum to my face, she won’t shout out ‘mum’ to call me. She just appears in front of me and talks to me. I do feel weird about this at times