Adult DD angry with me about things from the past

[Klona]

I was a very young mum when I had DD and quickly fell pregnant with DD2. The second pregnancy my ex was not happy about and it’s one of the reasons we split up. He was 5 years older than me and somewhat abusive emotionally, financially and then later physically. I had come straight from a bad childhood with abuse and had low self esteem but I wanted to protect my DD’s so I left him.

This low self esteem led to me to many of the classic single mum errors of judgment in the first few years. I was alone and lost as an adult for the first time having not really had a proper childhood or adolescence and no real parenting support from ex or learnt from my own parents. I got into debt, wanted to go out a lot, dated unsuitable men but as I matured I realised that I was being selfish and I changed my life.

I worked hard and got better and better jobs, our lives got nicer and we felt less poor. I paid all my debt off, stopped dating men completely and put my DD’s first. I also cut my parents out a significant amount, went to therapy, learned how to parent and put them first.

I have never stopped feeling guilty about any of the stupid things I did do, although I tried to shield them from most of it and it did only go on a few years before I sorted myself out but to me that is no excuse. Things like on weekends I would pick them up from ex and be clearly hungover and not much fun. Or I would spend money going out instead of on them so I would get into debt to make up for it. Their dad wasn’t very helpful with parenting or money so I was alone and it was overwhelming and I would use my child free time to escape. I was very lonely.

They are adults now and we all still live together. I am not their friend I am their mum. I have a new partner who doesn’t live with us and he is very kind to my DD’s and they like him. I don’t force them to spend time together.

To be clear Ive lived alone with them since I left their dad and no one I dated lived with us. They didn’t even meet people I dated. I also stopped dating for 10 years until they were adults. We always had food and clothes and a warm clean home.

DD2 is very independent, calm and unbothered about past issues. when she was about 12 she cut contact down to barely anything with her dad as she found him to be controlling and doesn’t enjoy his company.

DD1 has always been a daddies girl so has found the split and later her sister cutting him off really hard. DD is still punishing me for everything, it’s so hard as I do feel guilty. she’s an adult now and I don’t know what more I can do to help mend this trauma. Can I mend it?

She’s jealous of her sister, angry with me for being a single mum and having hard times. She felt like she was responsible for me and she worried about me. I’ve tried to take this burden from her by being honest that I made mistakes and it wasn’t her job to look after me, but as a child it must have been upsetting. I do support her feelings but she is mean, angry and lashes out at me which is hard to handle now she’s older. She won’t help in the house and if I do go out now she complains about being left on her own. If I do stay home she sits in her room and ignores me. I cannot win. I’ve tried taking her out just us 2 bonding but she will still find a way to make me feel guilty. This weekend I went out and she left the house in a horrible mess. When I asked her to clean it up it became obvious she has done it to punish me for going out.

I worry about being the awful DM who has caused childhood trauma but this punishment/guilt dynamic is not helping anyone. I love her, I’m sorry, and want us to love each other in a healthy way.

has anyone been the angry DD themselves with their DM? Can you help me find a way forward?

She said in OP her daughters are adult now

It does sound she had to cope with a great deal of stress and uncertainty in her early years, that's hard to deal with as a young adult.

At 21 I'd be suggesting joint counselling.

It does sound she had to cope with a great deal of stress and uncertainty in her early years, that's hard to deal with as a young adult.

At 21 I'd be suggesting joint counselling.

@Klona I genuinely, genuinely feel for you. I have been there and it is awful trying to choose which is the lesser of two evils and then try to manage a difficult relationship with an abusive man.

She will get past this. She needs time, as she has spent her life under the threat of abuse and it's well trained into her now that you do what you have to do to appease men.

But it sounds like her anger is starting to come out. If you can get her to therapy it will help, but failing that just be there for her.

I do know how hard this is. I'm sorry.

You know it’s possible to have children who don’t respect or appreciate you even if you’ve given them a perfect childhood and upbringing don’t you?

I would love to be able to talk to my father, who can’t or won’t talk to me about my childhood. He wasn’t horrible to me but he wasn’t around.

Because he refuses to talk to me we have now no contact as it’s become so painful to be ignored.

So I do think that there is a balance. Could you find a healthy way of talking and do a lot of listening to her. But in between that, tell her that it will take a while to reflect and talk but you also need some nice times also.

If my father was prepared to listen to me, even for a few times, really listen and not immediately defend. Then I think I’d be able to start rebounding with him. He may not agree with everything but he dismisses every single thing. He thinks he was completely fine as a father.

I wish I’d been able to talk to him when I was younger.

I recognise this dynamic in my own family and I think you should give her a gentle push out into the world (travel/living abroad/university) to enable her grow as a person and put an end to this intense, enmeshed relationship she has with you, as it's not at all healthy.

If she's anything like my family members she will most likely always be this way to some degree OP. Some of this is very typical of an eldest child - even in the most stable of families. I would stop agonizing about the past as you have apologised and tried your very best to make up for your mistakes. When she grows up a bit and gets some life experience she should hopefully gain a bit of clarity and give you some grace - but that will ONLY happen if you stop enabling her by indulging this power she welds over you.

Enough is enough. Yes her early childhood could have been better and these things we carry with us for life, but you did your very best to turn things around and she can't keep using it as a stick to beat you with.

She needs time to mature and you both need space apart in order to support that growth and hopefully in time you will reach a better space. Good luck!

So your ex was physically violent to your eldest daughter but she still spent time with him. She then had to parent you and her younger sister because you prioritised your hangovers over them? No wonder she's fucking traumatised.

She desperately needs help. She's needed it for a long time and should have been having therapy as a young child.

It is not OK how she treats you now. She is essentially bullying and manipulating you. But also I can see where she is coming from.

Please stop comparing her to her sister, it's not helpful. She remembers her dad abusing you and he also physically hurt her on several occasions. As the eldest she also probably did a lot for her sister when you wouldn't and had the inevitable concerns over you. Her younger sister was protected from a lot more.

Have you spoken to any professionals who specialise in childhood trauma? There may be charities out there who work in this area who could signpost you to some further help. Unfortunately, childhood trauma and abuse effects the way the brain develops so it can have life long consequences so your daughter really does need specialised help.

@Pumpkinspicelattetime yes I explained, I was barely an adult and was dysfunctional so it took me a while to sort myself out. I never left them to go out I was out when they were not with me but I was tired the next day and we did a lot of watching movies. DD has never mentioned this so I am not sure it’s something I should focus on, I used it as an example of how I was immature. Being irresponsible with money was far more impactful.

DD1 did not want to stop seeing her dad either. He was a smacking parent, brought up by parents who smacked him. I was smacked but I didn’t smack my kids. I did not know he would smack our DC but I was young and naive. I had many angry rows with him about it but legally back then not only was I skint and under exes control I also had a child who wanted to see her dad.

DD1 did not have to parent her sister but I can see the dynamic was that she took on this role in the absence of her dad. DD2 didn’t like it at all and it was/is the cause of many rows. DD1 has always liked to correct my parenting when it isn’t necessary but usually out of jealousy of DD2. I have always made it very clear it is not DD1’s job to be anyone’s parent but it is not a surprise she is now mini -mumming her much younger sibling. I really hope DD does get some therapy before she becomes a mum herself.

I can’t compare my DD’s only describe them. One is calm and says not bothered about the past the other one is. I don’t hold DD2 up as the poster child here, she can also be obnoxious if she wants to be but she is more independent and spreading her wings. DD2 was the unwanted child of her father - he wanted the other 2 so I still keep an eye on how she is doing because she had an extremely bossy jealous sister and a controlling dad and a confused sad mum. I would say I find it easier to talk to DD2 in an adult way but see less of her, I spend more time with DD1 and I worry about her more. Hopefully DD1 will spread her wings and become more independent I’m going to encourage this.

As gently as possible I think you are minimising the impact of some of your choices on DD. You can't undo the past but you can appreciate why she is behaving so badly.

You've had some hard things in your life and acted irresponsibly and immaturely in your early twenties. You seem to have a lot of forgiveness for yourself, which is good.

Your daughter also has had some hard things in her life and is acting immaturely in her early twenties. She, too, is "barely an adult". I think you shouldn't expect more of her than you did of yourself, that's really unfair.

She seems to have been parentified as a young child, and is crying out for you to give her the attention and security you couldn't when she was little. I think she is voicing all the things she couldn't back then.

She felt responsible for me and was very worried about me

This suggests to me that your "classic mistakes of a young single mum" period went on for longer than you are saying here. You said it only went on for a few years, but if she felt responsible for you she must have been close to teenage years at least? It's very normal for children who felt responsible for an adult to harbour resentment decades later. It's much more than "upsetting" and "unsettling". It's great you can acknowledge your issues, I think family counselling would be helpful.

She felt responsible for me and was very worried about me

This suggests to me that your "classic mistakes of a young single mum" period went on for longer than you are saying here. You said it only went on for a few years, but if she felt responsible for you she must have been close to teenage years at least? It's very normal for children who felt responsible for an adult to harbour resentment decades later. It's much more than "upsetting" and "unsettling". It's great you can acknowledge your issues, I think family counselling would be helpful.

She doesn’t fully understand or know how awful her dad was to me or how bad money really was.

On an emotional level she is aware, as she's so unhappy.

It is not surprising she is more damaged than her younger sibling, due to the time exposure.

I agree with others suggesting family therapy to talk properly. It is very upsetting to have gone through a difficult experience and it not be recognised. The fact you discuss how her sister is calmer suggests you are attributing their difference WRT their father to personality rather than experience?

You need to talk to her and explain how you feel. Sounds like your daughter needs counselling to deal with her issues. She's 21 and needs to take responsibility for herself.

My dd1 has some issues with my parenting and things I could have done better . (I was a young mum with no good role models so I learnt on the job) I also left an abusive ex when she was 4 and my dd was a daddies girl (she sees his true colours now) DD2 has none of these issues and spends limited time with her dad for similar reasons.

I always listened to dd and acknowledged and apologised for her struggles but I always explained I was young and inexperienced and didn't have support. I wouldn't have accepted rudeness or not helping in house. My dd each had a couple of jobs to do and a general responsibility to keep things tidy. I also would go out if I wanted to.

She's 23 now, things improved as she got to around 20 . She did have counselling which helped.

I think you need to step up for DD1, no excuses, agree that you made mistakes, no excuses or reasons, say that you are genuinely sorry and ask for her forgiveness

If she can't forgive despite no excuses or reasons (so a genuine apology) then she would benefit from therapy to help her face the past and move through it

We all fail as parents sometimes. Accepting that we've failed and putting those failures right and/or being genuinely remorseful (no excuses) can be very healing

How about have an honest conversation with her and stop apologizing for your behaviour when you were a kid yourself. She is using it to manipulate and control you. Instead speak as someone who DID take responsibility and get her to listen when you tell her she needs to get therapy so she can do the same thing. The past is a country you can never return to. She is choosing to remain stuck because she is focused on the past instead of her own future and that of her relationships with others. Stop allowing her to scapegoat you. You are not doing her any favors.

Yep but I think it's because she doesn't feel you've acknowledged the situation.

While she is still young and has a narrow world view, she MAY have a point / need to feel heard on some points.

The feeling responsible for you suggests the irresponsible young mum phase went on for a while though. I think you can't take it back but you can acknowledge it and talk to her about this. I am guessing at her age you had a 6/7 and 4/5 years old?

I think for general blaming you for everything stuff you need some stock phrases.

I was a child myself at your age I was responsible for a 6 AND 4 year old
I did the best I could for you both.
Your an adult now and responsible for your own choices.
Sorry you feel that way. As you get older you'll see life isn't as black and white as you think.

It's not the child's fault that the mother made bad choices. At the end of the day she, as the parent made the choice to bring not one, but two children into the world, and by her own admission put herself first and it appears that the eldest dd had a level of responsibility that she shouldn't have. That shouldn't be minimised.

I wonder from reading your replies, is that you are framing everything on how you see and remember things…
And not on the actual impact that your DD feels.

Perhaps this is one reason why you are both not ‘past this’ and your DD is still talking about it. It sounds like she feels that she has not been heard.

You say that the impact is you being tired and watching movies etc, or with money, but for her it may have been quite different things such as not feeling that you knew what was going on for her.

I wonder whether you could live with that uncomfortable feeling of just listening to her next time. It might not be how you feel the past was, and who knows, there is probably a lot of grey area where she might be making too much of one thing and berating you unfairly. But I would listen first, listen a lot and just acknowledge her.

Don’t defend to her.

But you could also make it clear that you won’t be taking character assasinations or personal attacks. It’s OK to not be bullied and that includes now.

And maybe just take some time. It’s often early adulthood where things can come out and so I wouldn’t expect this to just be past things. And also really don’t compare her with her ‘good sibling’. Instead maybe say that you feel that there is value in having a more genuine relationship between you both.

If you can afford therapy for the two of you together, do it.

You can work on creating a safe space where she can express her feelings. She can work on being direct and honest (as opposed to doing petty things like trashing the house). Maybe some basic guidelines for living peacefully together could be worked out, or she could be helped to find her way toward living independently. A good therapist should help shine a light on the past while also guiding both of you into the future.

@ToastMarmalade I am having to guess because she isn’t telling me. I assumed that was obvious? I have my own lived experience and I have DD’s behaviour, one in each hand.

What I do not have is her viewpoint and she doesn’t want to open up. I genuinely am not stupid I understand this, it’s the purpose of posting, to try to understand and get advice, however none of you are my DD either so each and every one of you also has a subjective opinion on MY subjective opinion (of myself/my behaviour). If I was able to post here “DD has told me when she was little, when I did X she felt Y” then I would have more insight than I do now. It’s almost more confusing having everyone else’s opinions on what I said and criticising how I have portrayed it but I understand that’s how posting on an anon forum works.

DD is anxious and always has been. She would worry about money and I think this is an outcome of money being a source of aggravation during my RS with her dad, and him speaking about me to her that I was ‘useless’. I believed I was useless as well after leaving him and she probably thought this too. If a small child constantly hears their DM is useless and their DM has low self esteem I imagine it’s unsettling and worrying.

She also wanted money as she got older so we came to an arrangement where she would earn some extra pocket money doing chores. I think her dad twisted this that I was using DD to do all the housework for me so over time she became very resentful and thought she should just be given this money and not earn it. I did give her pocket money this was extra. I don’t know if anyone has had to parent with a man like this who undermines everything you do but I was not strong for a few years and let it all overwhelm me. I admit that. However I did every school run, all their meals I was always there when they were home and when I had to work they were always safely in after school clubs. They did not wonder where I was.

The main battles with DD1 have always been, and still are:

• being rude and disrespectful to me
• dominating her sister to a high level of bossiness and being unpleasant to her
• refusing to help out in the house with simple tasks, of her own mess she has made

Of course no I don’t know your situation, I can only provide an outside perspective of your posts. I could be wrong in my perspective.

My outside perspective is that on one hand you do acknowledge that there were difficulties in your DDs childhood.

But you don’t know how these are for your DD but that she is cross with you about certain aspects of her childhood.

There are also ways that she acts that you are cross about now and in the past, and you think are not good behaviour on her part.