Adult DD angry with me about things from the past

[Klona]

I was a very young mum when I had DD and quickly fell pregnant with DD2. The second pregnancy my ex was not happy about and it’s one of the reasons we split up. He was 5 years older than me and somewhat abusive emotionally, financially and then later physically. I had come straight from a bad childhood with abuse and had low self esteem but I wanted to protect my DD’s so I left him.

This low self esteem led to me to many of the classic single mum errors of judgment in the first few years. I was alone and lost as an adult for the first time having not really had a proper childhood or adolescence and no real parenting support from ex or learnt from my own parents. I got into debt, wanted to go out a lot, dated unsuitable men but as I matured I realised that I was being selfish and I changed my life.

I worked hard and got better and better jobs, our lives got nicer and we felt less poor. I paid all my debt off, stopped dating men completely and put my DD’s first. I also cut my parents out a significant amount, went to therapy, learned how to parent and put them first.

I have never stopped feeling guilty about any of the stupid things I did do, although I tried to shield them from most of it and it did only go on a few years before I sorted myself out but to me that is no excuse. Things like on weekends I would pick them up from ex and be clearly hungover and not much fun. Or I would spend money going out instead of on them so I would get into debt to make up for it. Their dad wasn’t very helpful with parenting or money so I was alone and it was overwhelming and I would use my child free time to escape. I was very lonely.

They are adults now and we all still live together. I am not their friend I am their mum. I have a new partner who doesn’t live with us and he is very kind to my DD’s and they like him. I don’t force them to spend time together.

To be clear Ive lived alone with them since I left their dad and no one I dated lived with us. They didn’t even meet people I dated. I also stopped dating for 10 years until they were adults. We always had food and clothes and a warm clean home.

DD2 is very independent, calm and unbothered about past issues. when she was about 12 she cut contact down to barely anything with her dad as she found him to be controlling and doesn’t enjoy his company.

DD1 has always been a daddies girl so has found the split and later her sister cutting him off really hard. DD is still punishing me for everything, it’s so hard as I do feel guilty. she’s an adult now and I don’t know what more I can do to help mend this trauma. Can I mend it?

She’s jealous of her sister, angry with me for being a single mum and having hard times. She felt like she was responsible for me and she worried about me. I’ve tried to take this burden from her by being honest that I made mistakes and it wasn’t her job to look after me, but as a child it must have been upsetting. I do support her feelings but she is mean, angry and lashes out at me which is hard to handle now she’s older. She won’t help in the house and if I do go out now she complains about being left on her own. If I do stay home she sits in her room and ignores me. I cannot win. I’ve tried taking her out just us 2 bonding but she will still find a way to make me feel guilty. This weekend I went out and she left the house in a horrible mess. When I asked her to clean it up it became obvious she has done it to punish me for going out.

I worry about being the awful DM who has caused childhood trauma but this punishment/guilt dynamic is not helping anyone. I love her, I’m sorry, and want us to love each other in a healthy way.

has anyone been the angry DD themselves with their DM? Can you help me find a way forward?

I had a very dysfunctional foo and had 2 children with an abusive man. One of my kids completely gets that he was controlling and manipulative, but my son seems to hate me. He just told me I was a bitch.

Luckily he moved out recently so I'm not putting up with his intimidation any more.

But it is so awful. I feel like he hates me for having a boundary, for not being a sucker.

Another parallel is the need to dominate. Like you say, my dc2 rejects the collaborative way my dc1 and I live by in the house.. dc2 always wanted to know we would bow down to his choices.. it make so unbearable I had to get male relatives to take him but now he hates me even more. He hated me before though.

It’s absolutely ok for her to be angry at you, hurt, not understand your decisions or whatever else she feels
its not ok to keep lashing out and causing problems in your home, when she’s an adult and should move out if she is really that bothered about whatever happened. She can’t have her cake and eat it.
she needs to get out, or she stays and treats you and your home with some respect and you work on your relationship together as adults

@ToastMarmalade yes I suspect she is cross with me about decisions that impacted her, or that made her feel unsafe. And that’s ok, I understand that and it’s on me. I am guessing what those might have been. I know I was honest in my OP about the things I feel guilty about but I am quite sure there are other things from DD’s side I am not even acknowledging or remember that I have said or done.

She used to feel responsible for me as I felt useless and ex said I was useless, to me that ended up being a driving force to prove him bloody wrong and make sure DD did not have to fill that role. It took me a while to find myself and when I did I tried to help the DD’s move on but I suspect DD1 was still stuck, wary and untrusting. It didn’t help that I do not have a father and I didn’t get a new partner so she didn’t get the safety I think she needed from a stronger family unit. She would worry about people breaking in the house and that I wasn’t going to be able to fight them, or something happening to me and then being alone. I think she missed or craved her idea of a protective dad being there for her. I was not her dad so it wasn’t enough? I don’t know! I do know she doesn’t want to live with him, I’ve asked.

Sometimes it feels like nothing I do is ever good enough but then I also know she is just afraid (of life) and a lot of her reactions are anxiety driven. She needs me, she wants a lot from me, she is angry I am not perfect. She’s maybe angry I chose to have kids with her dad. She is angry I was low and felt weak when she needed to feel safe.

@WeeDove I’m sorry, this sounds so tough. It’s so hard to give one what they need when it’s unreasonable whilst also giving the other one a peaceful life. I totally get what you mean

I think given the circumstances you did absolutely amazing but equally I appreciate that might not have been an amazing experience for your DD.

As someone upthread put it your feelings are valid, her feelings are valid, you are both best working on getting through the feelings and seeing what type of adult relationship can come out the other end of that. Some kind of therapy might help you work through this stuff, it is difficult and painful. From this thread you definitely sound like you can open up a space fir your DDs experience if she can do the same with yours a better relationship is absolutely possible.

I suspect she has suffered Complex trauma as a baby/child.
If you weren't there for her for significant periods of time then she would have believed that she had been abandoned and was going to die.
There is no trauma worse than this because the child hasn't yet become a rational thinking human being that can put things into context.
Unfortunately the pain a child experiences in this situation becomes repressed and frozen and skews their perception of reality for the rest of their life.
Talking and explaining why it happened will have little impact on the trauma.
She will have to experience the pain she repressed as a child.
She will probably feel a lot worse before she improves.
This can take years with a skilled and experienced psychotherapist or trauma therapist.

I didn't have the boyfriends/going out. I went out a few times a year, and always put her first. And she treats me like shit and as if she's had the worst life ever.

I don't think you need to feel guilty. I think she needs to grow up, and stop being unpleasant. It's bullying, and I'm getting the same from a 17 year old. The other younger child is like yours. I also feel guilty.

@wellAverage I don’t recall not being there. I was an SAHM for 6 the first years of her life. I worked weekends/evenings whilst dad had them (we were still together). When we split I picked them up from school on Friday, took them home, waited for him to finish work and then I went out Friday night when they were at their dads house and I picked them up Saturday morning.

When they were little I worked part time whilst they went to nursery or school and I went full time when they were going off to secondary school. I used to feel cooped up in my house with no adult company just with 2 kids 6 other days of the week. DD1 slept in my bed till she was a teenager.

I’m not sure that is her fear, I think her fear is that I am not resilient or tough enough to get us/me out of a crisis. However I have got us out of loads of life’s crisis’s over and over the years and I’ve got stronger too. DD is hypervigilant and sees everything as a potential crisis. She thinks our cat is unwell and is fretting over it I keep reassuring her (I’ve been to vet) but she doesn’t seem to believe me.

Sounds like she could use therapy and to be more independent.

It sounds like you have tried to make amends.

She can't keep using it as a stick to beat you with because she is unsure about herself.

I put up with my daughter doing this for years. No matter how much I apologized and groveled, it still wasn't good enough.

It got to the point of her being abusive and using me for money.

After much therapy, I finally told her she can't stand there and berate me anymore.
She didn't much like that boundary so she pretty much cut contact. She's 40 so no excuse at this point.

I'm not attacking or blaming you OP.
However you did say that you were sometimes hungover when you picked her up from her father.
You may have been physically present but not emotionally present at times.
In addition she could have picked up on the arguments between you and her father and the spankings her father administered could have played a part.

I think in these cases it is useful to remember that anger is the cover for hurt. You have done a great deal to demonstrate your love and commitment to your children. Unfortunately, it is hard for your daughter to see this right now due to the hurt. I would ask her to join me in family therapy.