Upstairs alone again tonight - feel totally alone in my home.

[headache]

I live with my DH and four teenage DC but sometimes I might as well live by myself. Every night it’s the same, either I’m downstairs on my own or upstairs on my own.

DH and the DC are like their own little gang I am not a part of, I’m boring annoying Mum who is always telling them off for being too loud. I have an illness and part of it is I’m sensitive to noise it hurts me. Despite this they scream and make noises at each other all the time. I’ve asked them to stop and they’ve said no, DH has said this is who he is he’s loud. I cannot cope when they are all together playing the computer they will scream and shout I have to go upstairs and put my ear plugs in.

I don’t feel part of the family anymore and if I were to leave no one would notice. They all think I’m miserable and grumpy anyway compared to fun Dad.

I’ve asked DH countless times if he fancies watching a box set with me but he’s said no, he’s watching one with the older DCs that’s gory stuff I don’t like. I don’t get all the in jokes.

Ive tried talking to DH about it but he’s said it’s a me problem and I have to make more of an effort with the DC. Whenever I try to tell DH how I feel he always turns it around gets defensive and then picks on me. He also has a bad habit of never letting me talk, like if I’m explaining something he will cut me off if I don’t want to hear it.

My illness makes me exhausted and I’m in constant pain something he also doesn’t handle very well. He won’t show me any affection as he says he scared to hurt me but I have said to him ask me. Communicate with me. I feel so lonely right now.

Is it fibromyalgia? I have that and the noise sensitivity. Im sorry.
Your husband seems to be happy to alienate your kids from you. Have ut out with him...if he wont listen..write letter what youve said here, he cuts you off, doesnt involve you etc.
Can you take DC out alone...? Bowling?

This must be so tough.

Is your illness well controlled? Medication/treatment? If not it would be well worth it surely to feel part of your family again.

How do you get by in day to day life if loud noises hurt you, surely you hear them every day driving or going out anywhere (sirens, car horns, lorries, builders, roadworks, machinery etc)?

If your husband doesnt listen, start living your life .. go out...do you have friends? Join meetup to meet new friends

I'm a naturally loud person and I find it so hard to be quiet, my exh found it hard, I found it hard to be told to be quiet - ie not be myself all the time.

Have you tried those loop earplugs that lessen noise? Maybe you do need to join in what their interests are. I watch films and talk about shit that doesn't interest me but that my dc like. Surely that's par for the course.

Your husband doesn't sound very understanding, and honestly seems a bit nasty. Surely watching a calmer/quieter movie every now and again isn't a big deal to include you.

I'd totally agree with this. Watch the box sets you don't like for the family time. Wear earplugs, make an effort. In return tell your husband you need more support- he moght be more willing to compromiseand listen if he thinks you're making an effort. Tell him how it makes you feel when he doesn't listen and what he can do to help.

Please do look at any further support you can get for your ill health.

I think you also need to think about how you can meet them halfway- you cannot expect them to be quiet all the time realistically- especially on these computers games I can hear my son/ DH outside sometimes when something is going right/wrong!!

My 19yo son and my DH loves horrors/ gang movies, gruesome stuff and I leave them to that but I have learnt to like a couple of games on the xbox only so I can engage and spend time with them! We also sit together and order a take out and have a beer/wine together- we also play something daft like trivial pursuit or cards against humanity.

Your husband though is being a dick and needs to support you in being included too - talk to him and say - I want to join in something what do you suggest?

I understand this. My Ex and kids would watch stuff I did not like which is OK but if there was something I wanted to join in, they didn't want to wait for me. That's because they just went to TV and I might want to turn on dishwasher or load washing machine before I sat down. Maybe my fault too . But I did end up alone maybe reading .
Don't know any solution but wanted to you to know that it is not just you.

What do you do with your teens that's fun? What about board games or card games? Can you take just one or two of them out for a quick drink or bite to eat and play a game? Do you do anything on your own with them or do you always do thing with them with your husband too.

Can you cope with noise for a short while? Would earplugs work? It's tricky.

It’s this. No matter the whys and wherefores your Dh needs to show some empathy.

Meet up with friends?
Go for a drink or meal with them.

This sounds shit and I’m sorry there is not more sympathy for you. I don’t think you should have to watch or join in things you don’t like. But as somebody suggested above, is there a way for you to have your own stuff where your family could join you? Going for a nature walk or a bike ride, swimming, making or going for a pizza, anything?

Are you effectively their maid op? If so withdraw your services.. Start thinking of you and only you. Make plans to leave. Dh won't be so funny managing alone. You may have more energy for your dc with 50 /50...and they will be more appreciative of you.

No they don’t see me as a maid, they are all quite good at doing things around the house. Although as I found out today DH can be quite resentful about it. One of the DC was arguing with me, the tv was blaring, the big light was on and then they started at me and I said to DH (who was ironing at the time) why do never have my back? He just replied, “I’m watching the football” I was upset and went upstairs for some peace and quiet.

I can’t watch box sets with them as they shout and scream through them plus I don’t like the horror and the gore. I also can’t do things like swimming or bike rides and they wouldn’t be interested anyway. I very rarely get time away with friends and when I do go out it takes me a day to recover.

I just want DH to have done empathy , be kind and caring towards me. I didn’t ask him to get up today and do all the things he did, I do appreciate it but it’s really only what he kind of should be doing if that makes sense half the housework and a bit of DIY I can’t physically do.

I think living with someone with a condition like yours can sometimes turn into resentment, especially if it's an invisible disability. Maybe there's some element of compassion fatigue for your partner? Teens can still be developing empathy and if you don't like the same things, it can be difficult to connect. Is there a middle ground of something you could watch together? Even if it's not entirely to your taste, is it not worth trying to engage?

It's awful that they won't reduce noise levels, but are they genuinely screaming and shouting or is it your perception? Maybe the loop ear-plugs suggested would help you manage?

I agree with this, it sounds like they all have compassion fatigue.
It might be worth considering also that he is doing far more of the practical things such as housework than you realise (possibly not but just worth thinking about). I know someone with a chronic illness that swears they power through and 'do their half' but they are nowhere close, their partner is exhausted with it all and have started to pull away.
I understand you think they are loud, are they really or are they just having fun and being a bit exuberant? It can't be nice for any of them to have to be quiet at home all of the time.
I think there are probably things that both sides could do to make life nicer for each other.

During Covid I discovered jigsaws.. Dh spent hours just sitting with me. Later admitted he hated them but wanted to spend time with me so suffered happily in silence.. Your dh should be catering to your TV taste sometimes op.

I have my loop ear-plugs in just now. It’s not the general noise of 5 people laughing, talking it’s high pitched screaming usually causes my DH play fighting one of the younger ones or when they are on the computer they scream at each other. It’s shouting at the pets (just silly stuff like shouting their names over and over again at the top of their voices). I do not know expect them to go about in hushed voices because of me.

During the week I do the majority of the housework, DH cooks 5 nights out if 7. The DC get a chore each per day to help out.

I agree with the PPs - I'm so sorry OP, I hate noise myself and I can't bear loud high pitched shrieking (and embarrassingly have been known to snap at friends' small DC when visiting if they made that sudden shrieking noise that just hits my every nerve like a lightning strike).

BUT. DH is doing half the housework, most of the cooking, a bit of DIY that you can't manage, all of the rest of his energy sounds like it's going on entertaining and getting stuck in with the busy lives of four teens and presumably he is working too? Are you? It sounds like he has a lot on his plate, and managing all of their interactions to suit you sounds like yet another job he has to do. I can see how you would both be utterly exhausted.

Can you take on some of the decision-making for quieter family activities that are within your boundaries? You didn't ask him to get up and do the ironing or whatever, he's using his own initiative but it might help with the mental load if you can direct some activities in a positive way.

• Maybe "book" your teens in for a one-on-one coffee date every Sunday for an hour somewhere quiet if you can get out of the house, where you listen to them about how their week was and really try and bond with them. (Edit: one DC per week I mean, you couldn't regularly schedule 4 coffee dates in a morning, that way madness lies!)

• If you can't leave the house, how about setting up a family book club where you all pick a book to read (or different books, or everybody gets to choose one but no one is allowed to say it's "stupid" before they've read it) and have a Book Club night in your room or the front room with tea and cakes? My friends do one where the first thing you do is, you have to choose who would play the lead characters in a movie, and that gets the discussion going. You have teens, they could maybe each create a meme about the book to share and they can vote on the funniest one?

• If you haven't got readers who would finish a whole book, maybe just have a Meme Club night where you have to pick one TV show, one current affairs topic and one thing you think the others won't have heard about!

You might have to get very creative to get things that your teens will buy into - they're not small kids who can be jollied along so they're going to have to want it. But I think if you can unlock this, even just with a couple of them, it will be more rewarding for you all.

Fabulous advice from @BattleofBeamfleot.

I'm sorry he's being so un empathetic.

Have you told him you're not happy in the marriage? Would he care? Does he also want to feel closer to you or has he checked out? If he would care about your feelings id suggest counselling for help discussing things without one person getting very defensive. If he doesn't care enough to listen to that or to consider going with you despite being told you're deeply unhappy I'd consider leaving the marriage (if you can do so- I realize your disability may impact things)

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I really don’t know I have spoken to him about how I feel regarding feeling alone and it being 5 versus 1. He said I need to sort my relationship out with the DCs before we can sort our relationship out.

He’s very tight with money despite earning a really good wage and I’ve had to reduce my hours to part-time due to my illness and I think he resents that. I think he sees me as lazy and thinks I should fight through it and it’s mind over matter. I’ve recently had to take a lot of time off work as I was really unwell and he said he’s been giving me space or it could be seen as a lack of empathy and care. For instance, regular massages would really help me, if I ask him for a massage he says no. Our sex life is non existent he says it’s because of how unwell I’ve been but he’s never even asked me if I’m up for it (which I would be). I think he really resents me being unwell as he’s full of get up and go. I often think that if I’m so lazy and miserable then why is he still with me?

Omg all of this sounds like my ex when I was pregnant like he resented me- including the massages and thinking I should power through and mind over matter etc treating me like I was lazy! Same with sex life. He ran away before baby was even born :-( (much shorter term relationship than yours)

Op I think you should get counselling for yourself at least to talk all this through

Op. How long have you been unwell. It does sound a bit that compassion fatigue has set in with your family at large which is hard for you but very common in the case of long invisible illness. From your husbands point of view, he probably sees it as him carrying most of the financial and household burden while your interaction with the family is constantly asking them to be quiet when they're having fun together.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you but I think you should acknowledge that it's not easy being in a relationship with someone who is long term ill. It might help with your resentment. He's also probably correct in that you need to find a way firmware to interact with your kids in a positive way before it's too late .

If you take out some of the emotive language and look at this from your DH’s perspective: the TV wasn’t blaring, it was on, while he ironed. The light was on. (Look, I hate the big light being on as much as the next person but including it as this whole enormous thing makes you seem a bit unreasonable.) You were arguing with one of the teens – was it a discussion that actually needed more people joining in, or would that have exacerbated it? Then suddenly you snap at DH to have your back, then abandon everyone and go upstairs to sulk. From his POV he’s getting some chores done and watching some football while some of the family bicker, as families do, and his wife has suddenly gone off on one.

It sounds as though you and he need to sit down together and actually communicate about the bigger picture instead of addressing things in the moment. He’s full time and so carrying the financial load, there are four DC which is a lot, you’re ill and want more compassion, attention, quiet; he’s, I would guess, burned out and gets his breaks by chilling out with the DC gaming and keeps being told he can’t. You need between you to find ways to include you in the family while also taking a load off your husband, and make sure you get elements of quiet while your family also get to exist without needing to tread on eggshells: can you have a Quiet Night together as a family, in exchange for Noisy Night (where you go out for a massage while they game with the big light on).

Can you afford to pay for massages if those would help? Without wanting to sound unsympathetic, it’s another regular chore you’re asking him to do, on top of working, parenting four kids, a lot of the cooking, his share of housework. I’m not usually Team DH in these things but in his shoes I’d feel my plate was full and be a bit askance if my DP asked me for a massage. Where’s my massage?!