Upstairs alone again tonight - feel totally alone in my home.

[headache]

I live with my DH and four teenage DC but sometimes I might as well live by myself. Every night it’s the same, either I’m downstairs on my own or upstairs on my own.

DH and the DC are like their own little gang I am not a part of, I’m boring annoying Mum who is always telling them off for being too loud. I have an illness and part of it is I’m sensitive to noise it hurts me. Despite this they scream and make noises at each other all the time. I’ve asked them to stop and they’ve said no, DH has said this is who he is he’s loud. I cannot cope when they are all together playing the computer they will scream and shout I have to go upstairs and put my ear plugs in.

I don’t feel part of the family anymore and if I were to leave no one would notice. They all think I’m miserable and grumpy anyway compared to fun Dad.

I’ve asked DH countless times if he fancies watching a box set with me but he’s said no, he’s watching one with the older DCs that’s gory stuff I don’t like. I don’t get all the in jokes.

Ive tried talking to DH about it but he’s said it’s a me problem and I have to make more of an effort with the DC. Whenever I try to tell DH how I feel he always turns it around gets defensive and then picks on me. He also has a bad habit of never letting me talk, like if I’m explaining something he will cut me off if I don’t want to hear it.

My illness makes me exhausted and I’m in constant pain something he also doesn’t handle very well. He won’t show me any affection as he says he scared to hurt me but I have said to him ask me. Communicate with me. I feel so lonely right now.

Do you have ME? Are you getting some support? There are some amazing FB groups from people who truly understand and can empathize.

I really feel for you. Your husband sounds quite cruel actually. What you desperately need is for him to try and understand and work with you.

I am a lone parent and although it's hard and exhausting, it's much easier than dealing with a partner who makes you feel like this. It won't be helping your illness.

What are the chances of a big heart to heart with him? Do you think you could get through to him?

I'm not sure I agree it's compassion fatigue. He doesn't sound like he's been very compassionate. He sounds bullish.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum yes I am going to start counselling for myself

I don’t want them all to stop their gaming/movie/box set nights at all just tone it down a little so they aren’t screaming at each other.

oh and DH gets plenty of time to himself, when he was going on about doing the ironing and not sitting down all day he had been to the gym and dove other things for himself first. He’s working in the office today then he’s off out tonight. I have got the DC off dropped them all where they need to be, I will be doing lots of housework today, making dinner etc he will hardly do a thing today. All with chronic pain.

How old are your DC, and what sexes?

Do you have individual relationships with them, can you do a 1 to 1 activity with any of them?

I have to say this and it is going to sound harsh: your illness is really, really hard for you and I'm sorry. But it is hard for your family too.

You're seeing this as one poorly person who nobody is looking after.

But with a wider view, I'm seeing four children with a mum who (presumably) used to
be well and healthy (or surely you wouldn't have had 4!), but who now can't go
out much with them, can't play much with them, can't watch the telly with them
even, constantly tells them to be quiet in their own home (not when they're
fighting or obnoxious but just enjoying themselves/being silly as kids do), and
also resents it that their father has stepped up to fill this vacuum by playing
with them, bonding with them, joining in with their interests. I'm also seeing
a husband who is expected to be the main breadwinner whilst still doing above
his share of household and parenting things; a husband who feel insecure
approaching you for intimacy as it's become very one-sided (about what you can
manage or want at any given time, rather than mutual and enthusiastic). I see
him stepping up to give your children the active, involved parenting they need
and want, and then being resented for doing so.

It's you who has changed (through no fault of your own), but you now want everyone
to change to suit your new needs and wishes, rather than you giving them some
leeway to manage and thrive in the changed status quo. It sounds like your
husband is doing his best, and your kids... well they're just kids. It's not
their job to pander to us, if they're modifying themselves all the time to
please us we're not really doing our job right as parents surely.

It's taken a long time to get from where you once were (a healthy, strong mother
with a strong marriage and a large family of small kids) to where you are (ill,
isolated and resentful). it may take a long time to improve it. And you can't
change other people, you can only change yourself.

With your kids, I'd say you need to work on rebuilding relationships with them one-to-one. As a 'pack' they all have a vibe which is noisy and full on and inaccessible to
you; so try and get them one at a time, find a shared interest that fits your
current capacities but also plays to their interests and enjoyment - so if
they're into computer games, can you badger one of them to teach you something
like Roblox or Minecraft, which is a bit less screamy and aggressive and more
creative? Get one of them to walk the dog with you once a day and have a chat
with them about what else is going on in their lives? Help the youngest with
homework? When they're older, your relationships will have to be individual as
they all go their separate ways - so start building those connections now. Kids
need their mum. It isn't fair of you to emotionally withdraw from them because
you feel slighted, or because they aren't exactly the way you would like them
to be. I'm sure the last thing in the world you'd want is for your kids to
assume 'carer' roles towards you out of a sense of obligation. So be creative, be
imaginative, try and find ways where you can meet them where they are given
your reduced capacities.

Re the husband, again I think you're expecting a lot for him to effectively lose
you as an equal partner and just adapt to the new way his life will now be
without any bumps in the road. I think being annoyed with him for being a good
involved close dad to your kids because it leaves YOU out is really, really
unfair and selfish of you, and probably has a lot more to do with your own
frustration at what you have lost and what you are going through than it does
with him tbh. Maybe some therapy to unpick that would be useful.

Re sex, you complain he doesn’t ask you for it – well, when you’re up for it why don’t
you ask him?? I have suffered with low libido for a while now, and after a
while my partner stopped trying because being rejected so often really hurt his
feelings and his ego. I can’t help that, as I can’t MAKE myself want sex (any
more than you can MAKE yourself well enough to be able to do it when you’re
suffering and ill) – but I make a point, whenever I do feel like I fancy it/am
capable of getting into it to jump him, because it is reassuring and an ego
boost for him that I do WANT to and aren’t just ‘allowing’ it because he’s
asked. You have probably had to say ‘not tonight dear” a lot as your illness
has peaked and troughed, as you got to know your new status quo, energy levels,
what gives you pleasure and what causes you pain in this new paradigm. With the
best will in the world, a lot of that is going to have felt like rejection to
him, and we are all incredibly sensitive to sexual rejection. He may have
decided he prefers to do without than risk being fobbed off or getting it
wrong. Which actually makes him one of the good guys, rather than pestering you
and guilting you for no longer swinging from the chandeliers twice a week. So
if you’re up for it and feel well enough, just go for it! He may be genuinely
worried about hurting you or putting pressure on you, so tell him what you like
now, be clear but be romantic (“I want to take our time to be really sensuous
and intimate , starting with massages and just see where that takes us” vs “if
you give me a massage I’ll be in less pain”).

And tbh I’d show some appreciation for him, as he sounds like a good egg – you say in this bitter way “if I’m so lazy and miserable then why is he still with me?”, but honestly plenty of guys would have checked out by now, as lots of men are selfish babies who see marriage and family simply as a way of getting their needs met and pumping up their self-esteem – he is obviously actually committed to you, your children, and this family, he’s putting in the work and the time and picking up the stuff you can’t do any more, that doesn’t warrant a snarky remark, it actually warrants respect (and even dare I say a bit of gratitude).

He won’t show me any affection as he says he scared to hurt me

Quite content to hurt you emotionally though.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush I'm sure mean well with that epic post but as someone who has a similar chronic illness to @headache , that is really blaming and hard to read.

She is struggling. This sort of illness is a bastard. Not just because it limits your ability to function but because you have to do all the work of explaining it to people and hope they will understand. People do not understand it but we would hope the people who are supposed to love us would try.

I'm not seeing what you're seeing. I'm seeing a woman desperate for empathy and support. Yes it is hard for everyone else but it sounds to me like they're lacking some empathy. Would the husband be play fighting and encouraging super loud noise if his wife was upstairs in bed with cancer? I don't think so. I think it's invisible illness and he's coming across as if she's choosing to be like this. Kids are kids, and will take their lead from him.

He said I need to sort my relationship out with the DCs before we can sort our relationship out.

Do you think you have a poor relationship with the kids?

Mine are teens they do spend less time with both of us and we do have to find activities that actively encourage time spending - which may be what he's doing - and while you say you don't want to stop this just the screeching - perhaps it feels very different form their side.

I'd try finding quieter activities to do with them maybe one on one - try and make a positive change.

I don't think you even have to have an illness like OP to find this intolerable. Women in a marriage are simply expected to be nurturers. It doesn't matter what else you do, whether or not you are actually a particularly nurturing person, this is what is expected. You can go for years without noticing this, if you are healthy and temperamentally suited. The expectation only rears its ugly head when you can't deliver for some reason. I have found, unfortunately that partners and teens are simply unable to accept that sometimes you cannot deliver on their demands, and they simply cannot or will not give you what you need. I think, unfortunately, I picked partners who lacked empathy, it was all I knew. Everything was fine until I needed something, and then all hell broke loose. I now live on my own and am experiencing the first peace I have ever known. But that has not stopped people close to me being angry because I wont live their lives for them. But they have all had to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. And I too have grown up, and do not expect others to take care of me.

I think you need to find things to do with them that you all enjoy and instigate them. You certainly need to reverse any family group decision that you are the killjoy. To do this you need to come up with ideas.

There needs to be a shift when dc turn teens in how you negotiate still being a key figure in their lives. I used to bake a cake and do coffee and cake time on Sundays. Or home made pizza nights where they can add their own toppings, pop some popcorn on the hob and then watch a film together as a family with the lights off, like in a cinema. For this, you need to make concessions. Put on noise cancelling headphones and sit in the room with them even if you hate the film. We took turns to choose films for family film nights. Or you could do family board game nights

Another good thing is to take them off, individually and set up a Pinterest page to remodel their rooms to reflect their personalities. Discuss paint colours, lighting, furniture up cycling or modding, new duvet covers, artwork etc. both my boys got into this with me because it was to do with them creating a more adult (in their opinion) look.

And I'd also have a very direct, unemotional chat. At dinner, when everyone is together, say, 'I am starting to feel like the family killjoy and I hate being cast in that role. I didn't choose to have an illness that can't tolerate light and noise. It's not my preference when i ask you turn the noise down, i'd rather be joining in, shrieking away having fun. But i can't. I really don't want our family to end up divided with me the No Fun Mum who does the housework and whines about noise, and Dad the Fun Guy who cooks up a storm and screams the house down with you. I want to have fun with you too. What do you all like to do that isn't really noisy and can we add some time together as a family in the evenings to do this stuff?' Make some suggestions and be very open to theirs too. And also say that some one-to-one time to plan room remodelling or whatever, would also be really good.

Isn't one of the differences though, there's a perception that cancer & the like have an endpoint (although you can live with cancer for many years) - either one way or the other, with any luck with remission and a return to health. Whereas with a chronic condition like this, both the person affected and family are looking down the barrel of something that may be lifelong. Having to adapt for something hopefully temporary vs potentially permanent is quite a different thing psychologically.

To be honest if DH asked me for a massage I'd not be keen to do it!!

It all sounds very hard.

Teens should be able to modify their behaviour though.

@category12 you're right, they are different psychologically. But my experience and people I know with this illness is that people around you do not understand it at all, make a lot of assumptions and there is very little support for the illness from anyone but yourself and fellow sufferers. These sort of illnesses rely on self management and if you are stressed or emotional then it has further impact.

That's what I was getting at. The lack of sympathy and understanding when it's a huge thing for the person with it but people around you don't appreciate how bad it is

Although it's scary for me because I don't have much of a support network, it is at least quiet and I can control my home environment so I can rest. It must be so very hard for @headache on many levels.

It is difficult for everyone but to me, it doesn't sound like the family are being supportive. The husband just saying he's a loud person, tough, well..that's pretty awful. People do have self control. He can try. He sounds like he doesn't want to. Doesn't mean he can't let off steam with the kids sometimes, but if OP is having a bad day...and these conditions fluctuate, he could be kinder!

This is probably going to sound insensitive, but every post you write is about how ill you feel and your illness. You told us on your first post - and your second and third. You don't need to keep mentioning it. If this is how you are with your family, they probably feel the same way as well. Just repeating you are ill does not MAKE people have empathy. You need to find another way.

Agree I think @herewegoroundthebastardbush epic post was in fact epic advice.

Update well today and tonight I spent on my own with the 4 DCs and it was lovely. DC3 actually says to DH when he came in “I got to spend lots of time with Mum tonight and it was so lovely” I actually cried. DC4 gave me the biggest hug ever when they saw I had made up Halloween party bags full of goodies for them. You know the whole house was different it was so calm and chilled. We carved some pumpkins, had some songs on, put up decorations and there was no screaming.

I made dinner and we watched it in front of the tv and it was so chilled (DH is either complaining about me not having dinner ready at 5.30pm or he’s got it ready).

I then had a chat with DC1 when she said it’s been such a chilled day today. I was able to have a shower during the day (DH doesn’t “allow” her to shower during the day I have no idea why), we had the heating and candles on (DH runs very hot whilst I am always freezing he doesn’t feel the cold). She said (her words) that DH is very controlling, he has all these rules and wants everything done his way.

I am beginning to realise that’s why I’ve stepped back and allowed him to, I’m more of a laid-back parent. When I became unwell and needed a lot of rest I’ve just let him get on with it his way.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush wow what a huge post you wrote and totally ripped me apart in too. You have no idea of what I have been through or go through yet you have been extremely judgemental and decided that my DH appears to be a saint and I’m horrendous.

Firstly, I have a chronic pain condition, anxiety, depression, PTSD and a few other lovely medical conditions. My DH has over the years contributed to a lot of the trauma I have had to go through but thankfully he’s on the straight and narrow now. Yes he is the main breadwinner but he is really really controlling and tight with money for instance all the Halloween items were bought by me, all the meals out, all the DC clothes, anything that he sees as non essential is bought by me.

Oh you mentioned sex, you seem to know an awful lot about our sex life. I do not have a low libido, I actually crave the intimacy and closeness sex brings. I have made it perfectly clear on a number of occasions that I am “up for it” and he hasn’t reciprocated. When I’ve said to him why he doesn’t want sex he says he doesn’t want to hurt me. I’m starting to think that is not the reason.

I am still trying to do as much as I can around the house, when I say oh I need to do X and Y his response is get the DC to do it. I was disgusted that you thought I would want any of my DC to become carers.

I had asked him for a while to please do a bit of DIY for me (well us really it would benefit both of us) I couldn’t physically do it as it needed brute strength. I went out and bought all the bits, marked it up and all he had to do was screw in 2 screws and a bit of lifting 10 mins tops it took, he did it, left all the rubbish lying for me to clean up and then went on and on about doing the DIY for me!

oh and I’m sorry I go on and on about being in pain, but when you are in agony 24/7 and you can’t eat/sleep or think straight because of it half the time you kind of do mention it a lot

I'm sorry you're so angry. I went on the basis of what you wrote, which will of course always be incomplete because, to you, the detail is obvious as you're living it. Surely you can see that in your last post you have A LOT of information that wasn't in the first one which paints your husband, and his and your relationship with your children, in a totally different light. I posted a big post as your OP really moved me, you painted a very sad picture of a totally disconnected, lonely woman with little relationship with her kids which I thought was tragic for you but even more so for the kids. So I tried to help. Your husband, really, was peripheral to me but nothing you said made him out to be controlling to either you or the children. You also didn't say anything about you trying to initiate intimacy with him, just that he never asks you. It's quite unfair to bollock me for not knowing things you didn't say, and going off what you did.

I never said anything about you "going on" about being in pain, different poster so no need to lay that at my door.

I am glad that you had such a wonderful day with your kids. From your update, you make it sound like the only thing standing in the way of that is your husband, who they (or at least your eldest) doesn't much like anyway. So it seems there's a pretty obvious solution to your family issues, if not your health problems which do sound very complex and severe. My mother had Crohn's disease and chronic depression, so I do not take these conditions in any way lightly. But it is always probably why I identified first and foremost with your kids and them possibly feeling inhibited and suppressed by your illness (erroneously it turns out, as it seems when their dad is not around they are completely different people who have no inclination to scream and shout and be generally loud).

I'm sorry the length of my post even outwith the content seems to have bothered people. I try to look at things from a lot of angles, and give personal examples to try to show empathy... This means posts can run on a bit.

Anyhow. I hope the closeness with your kids continues to grow, and you have the resources to move on from your husband who it seems doesn't make life any better for you or your kids. I also hope your illnesses improve over time.

The latest post does paint a very different picture if only to show the differences in you and your dh. You say how he wants everything his own way, but also as do you and the night where its been no lights, no noise, no TV everything is perfect.
However overshadowing all of that is the fact that you know your dh doesn't allow your dd to shower and she tells you he is controlling?

I do not mean to be awful but it's very much woe is me with you OP.

These are children you are moaning about, your husband is working then doing the majority of everything, yet you seem to just mope around sulking.

Take some responsibility for yourself.

OP teens are boisterous and noisy even when they have quiet moments. Mine fight and wrestle and shout but also can be peaceful. They also watch stuff on TV that I dont want to watch.
I've learned to sit with them and watch the TV because that's my only chance to spend time when they dont have their nose in the phone or headsets on. I've learned to leave the room when the wrestling starts so I am less bothered by it.
It sounds like you have lovely DC and they love you and like spending time with you. Try to find ways to do those things and spend the time even if it's not always what you enjoy.
As for DH, I think you could do with couples counseling as there seems to be a lot of backstory there and resentement on both sides

Op I think I would be just so happy that my kids were being so well looked after and entertained - I would hear the laughter and feel relief if it was not something I could do with them.

I would actively show my appreciation for dh whom is working extremely hard for the family in all ways. I would organise small gifts, bubble baths, his favourite chocolates and start to really enjoy this kindness in him. If you change, maybe he will change?

It’s no fun to be with someone permanently ill, I say that as someone with complex health conditions. You can’t expect them to stop having fun.
Acceptance is key here. You have your health problems, what can you do to feel better? What can you do to be happier?

It sounds like a miserable existence and you really resent him and because of this also your teens when they are with him doing what they do on 'dad time'
Firstly, I have a chronic pain condition, anxiety, depression, PTSD and a few other lovely medical conditions. My DH has over the years contributed to a lot of the trauma I have had to go through but thankfully he’s on the straight and narrow now. Yes he is the main breadwinner but he is really really controlling and tight with money for instance all the Halloween items were bought by me, all the meals out, all the DC clothes, anything that he sees as non essential is bought by me.
What about all other household expenses, are you able to as a household afford 'non essentials' such as going out for meals, party stuff like for Halloween? I'd agree they are non essentials if you are short of money, re the clothes absolutely clothes are essentials but are the teens wanting and you paying for labels?

Just want to add like a couple of others that you are not alone in this with your evenings. In fact not that long ago things came to a head with DH about how I just wander up to bed and read a book as they already know what they want to watch on TV. Doesn't matter what I want. But DH said that they ask me and I usually say I am too tired. It's partly my fault. We had a big discussion and now we try to arrange a night where we have a family night playing a board game or watch a film that everyone enjoys.

I have two small children and two teenaged children so I get it. Sometimes it's very noisy!

Your update is an entirely different scenario to the OP (as is often the way in Relationships). So he’s controlling to the extent he won’t let people shower in the day, controlling with money verging on financially abusive – why are you buying all DC clothes? He’s “contributed to your trauma” yet you’re still with him, your DC tell you he’s controlling, he dictates everything from the central heating to dinner time and only does household tasks when nagged or pushes them off onto the DC. Yet you want to have sex with him and be part of the family dynamic with him? Why? Aside from breadwinner, what does he bring to the party?

Ableism and man hero worship. Lovely.

Are they really screaming and shouting? Your poor neighbours!