Upstairs alone again tonight - feel totally alone in my home.

[headache]

I live with my DH and four teenage DC but sometimes I might as well live by myself. Every night it’s the same, either I’m downstairs on my own or upstairs on my own.

DH and the DC are like their own little gang I am not a part of, I’m boring annoying Mum who is always telling them off for being too loud. I have an illness and part of it is I’m sensitive to noise it hurts me. Despite this they scream and make noises at each other all the time. I’ve asked them to stop and they’ve said no, DH has said this is who he is he’s loud. I cannot cope when they are all together playing the computer they will scream and shout I have to go upstairs and put my ear plugs in.

I don’t feel part of the family anymore and if I were to leave no one would notice. They all think I’m miserable and grumpy anyway compared to fun Dad.

I’ve asked DH countless times if he fancies watching a box set with me but he’s said no, he’s watching one with the older DCs that’s gory stuff I don’t like. I don’t get all the in jokes.

Ive tried talking to DH about it but he’s said it’s a me problem and I have to make more of an effort with the DC. Whenever I try to tell DH how I feel he always turns it around gets defensive and then picks on me. He also has a bad habit of never letting me talk, like if I’m explaining something he will cut me off if I don’t want to hear it.

My illness makes me exhausted and I’m in constant pain something he also doesn’t handle very well. He won’t show me any affection as he says he scared to hurt me but I have said to him ask me. Communicate with me. I feel so lonely right now.

@headache you sound like you are in an abusive situation and this is taking a massive physical toll on you. I’ve experienced very serious family breakdown and walking away from it caused no end of heartbreak but I knew that staying would result in health impacts you are experiencing because like yours they had already started. If you stay in an abusive situation it comes at an enormous cost emotionally, physically, medically. Your body is literally screaming at you to protect yourself and it ends up going into free fall. I think you are dealing with much bigger issues than you put in your OP and I think you are going to have to be your own white knight riding in to protect yourself in this. No one else takes on that responsibility for another person. You have a serious DH problem.

You have hit the nail on the head. I also suffer with chronic pain, unless you suffer you don't know. As for the 'poor family', others stating why doesnt she join in etc...why doesn't her husband involve her?!!!! Or just once a week him and son do something manageable for OP to keep that connection. I don't see poor ole husband. I see poor wife. Its lonely enough having an illness not many understand, its also lonely when people leave because you cant do what you used to do...friends do...not gd friends oc...family also distance themselves. Unfair. Her husband is unfair.

Also a lot of people if they cant see some illnesses think its not a 'real' illness. I cannot even count how many times ive been disbelieved..by closest to me. Resulted in me explaining again...then getting rid.

Your update paints a different picture of things.

I'm really pleased you had a good day with the kids....try your best to continue having this days. Where you can, spend one on one time with them.

I suspect your DH loves the fact that you're on the outside and he appears to have a good relationship with the kids.

You need a pain clinic and much more clinical support and intervention. Counselling to decompress your feelings about this. A support group is invaluable. Look one up locally or on line. I find certain therapies like hot water and massage help.

You have a choice here. I would let him be the entertainer and you focus on yourself - with pockets of quality time with the dc.

@headache 'oh and I’m sorry I go on and on about being in pain, but when you are in agony 24/7 and you can’t eat/sleep or think straight because of it half the time you kind of do mention it a lot'.
Never apologise for being in pain OP, You cannot help that. Theres unhelpful blamey posts, usually from people who are fit and well...theyve no idea. I understand only too well your illnesses, im sorry you have them. If i was near you id say, lets do coffee ♥️. Some people anger me in here with the blamey posts, its not you OP, Your husband is happy to distance your kids, why? Because hes a narcissist who wants you to feel bad about yourself. Wd for doing all that yesterday, that's a lot for C.P. love sent... compassion and understanding sent OP XXX

I’m coming from a position of being the child of parents struck with chronic, life changing conditions, a partner diagnosed with a chronic condition and having a condition diagnosed myself that is only ever going to deteriorate to the point I will no longer be able to care for myself let alone my beautiful dc. There is no easy role to be landed with and they all bring their own challenges, disruptions and anguish.

I found @herewegoroundthebastardbush‘s post really insightful and a helpful point of view to keep in mind. I don’t completely love my partners way of doing things re:parenting but the truth is I’m not in a position to pick that back up. He’s all my dc has when I’m not able to do this stuff. It’s frustrating and incredibly hard to accept but my angry back seat parenting doesn’t help anything, it just creates an atmosphere of tension that is corrosive to everybody. I’m angry because I can’t do these things in my way not because he can in his way. That ‘can’t’ also limits my options for resolving any frustration. I can’t just pick up and start over, well I could but it wouldn’t bear even the slightest resemblance to anything I actually want for myself and dc.

My primary takeaway from the OP’s posts is concern for the dc. The weight of the huge shift in her and her DH’s relationship is putting pressure on every aspect of their home life, until they both address that and both accept the change in their relationship and the point in life that they’re at then there’s no ‘team’ which is massively unsettling for any children involved. It’s true that if parents are unhappy then their children are but a chronic illness puts a very different perspective on the usual ltb solution.

I am beginning to realise that’s why I’ve stepped back and allowed him to, I’m more of a laid-back parent. When I became unwell and needed a lot of rest I’ve just let him get on with it his way.

So he's interfered in your relationship with the kids and then blames you it's more distant.

I do get the stepping back tiredness and guilt about still not being full time have left me letting DH take over the TV most evenings and I didn't really realise the effect on the teens - now I do I do push back and try and find a better balance.

I'd try finding more ways of spending time with them - and longer term when you are bit better or more up for a fight think long term about your relationship with DH - as I do wonder if it's an example of finding things easier without the current partner.

You could always have made them restart from the beginning if it was something you wanted to watch. Every. Single. Time.

Why stay?

I mean really?

From your posts I could list a page of reasons to split.

Do you really need to stay for care? You don't seem to get much.

I think your relationship with your DCs would massively improve away from him.

He doesn't even give you money so you'd probably be better off. Have you done an 'entitled to' check of how much you'd get with UC with 4 DCs part time work and maybe even PIP on top?

Interesting that your dc find him controlling and that it’s nicer when he’s not around but that you are the one that spends more time on your own away from the family unit.

Have your family ever been given advice and support around your conditions?
I’m just wondering what their dad is telling them about your situation?

How unnecessary of you. Why kick someone when they're down and looking for support? It says more about you than op.

OP, if your husband is controlling and has manufactured this situation where you feel an outsider in your own home - even if he's better than he used to be - maybe you should consider splitting up?

It may be that the stress of living with him exacerbates your condition.

While I know splitting is not a panacea and would be stressful and challenging in other ways, if he's putting a wedge between you and the children, at least you could have your own relationship with them, without him around. And once the dust settled, you would be able to have your own peaceful home. As teens, the children would have a voice in where they lived.

As teens, the children would have a voice in where they lived.
Sorry to quote myself, but what I mean is, if perhaps the threat is (as it so often is in controlling relationships) that he would keep the children - they would have a say, and it doesn't sound like it would necessarily go his way.

Interesting that your dc find him controlling and that it’s nicer when he’s not around but that you are the one that spends more time on your own away from the family unit.

I agree. I also wonder about all the trauma he put you through... There must be a huge backstory.

Apart from being controlling, unsupportive and uncaring, and most likely financially abusive as well, he clearly has checked out of the relationship. I suspect, once the teens are adults, he will either leave, or he'll stay only because he gets a kick out of controlling and hurting you.

Practically I'd suggest:

• Get a referral to a pain clinic to hopefully find a more effective way of managing your condition.
• Focus on your children and continue to have more interactions like you described in your latest post. Don't let him freeze you out!
• Think carefully about your future and whether you want to stay married to your bullying husband. Explore what kind of financial settlement you might get and benefits you would be entitled to.