Do shit men change?

[Radiatorjeans]

I'm late 30s and broke up with a man around 15 months ago of the same age. But my hand was forced because he was uncompromising, selfish, cold and ultimately did something intolerable which I'm not going into but proved I was waaaaaayyyyyy down his priority list. It crossed every boundary.
I was devastated and he didn't talk to me afterwards, even though I would've been keen to work through things. This, I recognise, was a mistake on my part and my initial decision to end things was correct.
Around 2 months later I heard through the grapevine he was dating.
Today I saw them and they look so happy. To clarify, I don't want him back although there are some residual feelings - mainly of hurt and anger. I couldn't trust him.
But it stung, because I was on my own and he seemed happy, so do these men change? Is it the wrong woman or are they fundamentally selfish?

I suspect he liked me when I was placid and pretty but when I started wanting more (or showing more of my personality), he disliked me. But I was never going to turn a blind eye to his behaviour long-term... I'm not passive! It's peculiar: the things he initially found sweet subsequently became irritants. I found it confusing and hurtful. I wonder if he ultimately wants someone silent and nodding.

Personally, I wouldn't waste any more time analysing what this jerk might or might not want.

Why bother?

Yeah I think it’s possible for most people to change. Serious disorders like full blown narcissistic personality disorders or psychopathy are a different conversation though aren’t they. That’s lifelong management.

But your run of the mill dickhead, of course it’s possible to change. In the same way it’s possible for anyone to change behaviour- therapy usually. Doing the work to be a better person. Unraveling past traumas and issues to work on one’s self and ultimately make better decisions, have more empathy and generally being a better person and therefore partner.

But that doesn’t happen in a matter of weeks or months, that type of change is usually years in the making.

I’ve definitely resolved some of my more problematic behaviours to make my relationship work, took a lot of effort and self reflection though. A commitment to being a better person.

the best thing to take away here OP is that you made the best decision to walk away from someone who wasn’t meeting your needs, you held up a boundary and ultimately you’ll be happier for it. There is nothing wrong with you nor is the new gf “better” - it’s a daft road to go down.

I think it’s helpful to look at why people change and the benefits to them of their behaviour.

If something catastrophic happens and someone’s life falls apart, they might be forced to look at why and may be motivated to look at ways to improve, although many are quite happy to blame others and take zero accountability. We only have to look at the MGTOW movement for evidence of this.

While women are conditioned from birth to consider people’s feelings, put others wants/needs above our own and be polite even when it makes us uncomfortable, many men will only stretch to doing 1% more than it takes for the relationship to not fall apart and no more. Why waste energy/time to make more effort than necessary to maintain the status quo?

If behaviour achieves a positive outcome it is reinforced and that behaviour becomes more frequent as a result. If their behaviour gets them what they want more often than not, then where’s the motivation to change?

As a pp said, if anything they tend to get worse with age.

My dad was the worst to me , unreliable , disinterested , mean

Fast forward to his next marriage and child. He was wonderful, joined the PTA, became a school governor, always present and kind.

He changed and learned from his mistakes.

Rarely, my recent ex. No, he won't change.
My exh, lovely man, terrible selfish husband, now remarried to a nice woman, however she is as self centred as he is. So it seems to have balanced it out. I don't know that he is so happy with her but happy enough.