Do shit men change?

[Radiatorjeans]

I'm late 30s and broke up with a man around 15 months ago of the same age. But my hand was forced because he was uncompromising, selfish, cold and ultimately did something intolerable which I'm not going into but proved I was waaaaaayyyyyy down his priority list. It crossed every boundary.
I was devastated and he didn't talk to me afterwards, even though I would've been keen to work through things. This, I recognise, was a mistake on my part and my initial decision to end things was correct.
Around 2 months later I heard through the grapevine he was dating.
Today I saw them and they look so happy. To clarify, I don't want him back although there are some residual feelings - mainly of hurt and anger. I couldn't trust him.
But it stung, because I was on my own and he seemed happy, so do these men change? Is it the wrong woman or are they fundamentally selfish?

No they don't change.

Far too many women "think" they can change their man, but 99% of the time, they just waste their time, and many years of their lives, until the final realisation dawns that they'll never change.

They don't change personality, but sometimes change behaviour. So the shit personality traits are still there, but for whatever reason, they may be reining them in.
Also, not everyone has the same definition of shit. My ex's new relationship is very successful. His new partner is happy. He hasnt changed, but she is tolerant of behaviours that I considered shit.

The liklihood is what she has is that she's prepared to put up with the crap you didn't.

Of course he would look so happy.
Be thankful you ditched him.

I spilt with a previous bf for some dodgy behavior and our sex life had gone to shit.

we stayed friends and he admits he now uses sex workers when single. I was never going to be enough for him.

he has a new partner…. She wants to get married and doesn’t care about sex that much. So a much better match. Do I want her standards ? No. Maybe they will be happy together.

he crossed your line. Good for you for dealing with it ! Onwards and upwards !

@Watchkeys
Wife two ran off with another man! I didn't laugh. Really. He said of her 'She was never going to be a mother,' and he got number 3 up duffed before his second marriage was neatly ended. He moved 2 out in the morning, phoned me at lunchtime to tell me how sorry he was that we'd 'had to split up' and moved 3 in that afternoon. 😂

'Never going to be a mother'. I was a mother. I had our baby to bring up as a single mother. Fucking bastard.

@Watchkeys Now? He's dead. Poor lad.

I think everyone can change their behaviour to an extent. However, they have to want to and have to keep wanting to. They can easily revert at times of stress or tiredness (eg having a baby) or when they start taking things for granted.

@Radiatorjeans I understand wondering. I get on with a former long term partner, she acknowledges better some of the major issues that bothered me. She's married now, her partner seems to get on with her better. Part of me has wondered could we work it out

Thing is we broke up twice, one of the reasons the second time was for good was I remember the previous time. Temporary changes that didn't last, I wasn't prepared to risk it by going back again. I saw it as the start of a new phase, being better at setting firm boundaries and consequences for violating them. Overall, I know it was the right thing

My point @StopStartStop was that the others might actually have brought out the evil psychopathic bastard in him, since their relationships with him weren't perfect or necessarily successful.

You seem to think you saw something they didn't. It's not necessarily the case.

@Watchkeys
Nope, the last one cared about him to the end, recognised his behaviour (which I would have put down to his being the EPB) as a problem and got him to a GP. Thereafter, he died fairly slowly but with his family around him.

You seem to think you saw something they didn't.
I think he saw something in me he didn't in them. Physically, I was smaller than him, they weren't. So I got the abuse...

@Watchkeys is making good points.

Old woman here.

Men that are real pricks can definitely change their behaviour when they want to.

Invariably they do when they find a woman they want to change for and whom they care enough for.

HOWEVER, if and when they lose that intense flush of desire, affection, .....they will most likely revert to type.

Once a prick, always at a prick.

He's masking, she just doesn't really know him YET.

Shit men don't change. His new squeeze will find out soon enough that he's a twat.

How happy were you with him in the beginning? I'm sure it was good for a while, right? She's still in the rose coloured glasses phase right now. He'll soon knock those off her face with his bullshit and she'll realise what a twat he is, and on he'll go to the next one.

They don't change, they just get increasingly good at hiding their crap for longer.

He's probably still shit, but she might not think he's shit. Your version of a bad person is different to others.

Or he has changed, or regrets his mistakes at least. Or maybe you don't tolerate as much as most and so most people like him

It doesn't matter, you deserve to be happy and he was not your happy.

Oh at the beginning? He, God - I'm embarrassed to say this, effectively lovebombed me. I was aware of it too but ignored it. Then it was fine was months, but something significant happened in my life and his support was worse than was non-existent.

This is too black and white.

Sometimes people do shit things. It doesn't mean that they are always shitty or that they are destined never to have a successful relationship.

This man treated you badly on that occasion. He obviously wasn't invested in the relationship sufficiently to rectify the situation hence you broke up. Perhaps his new DP is "The One" for him and he's learned his lesson and is treating her better or he's just on his best behaviour for the time being or she's more tolerant of bad behaviour. Or.. or... or...

You'll wind yourself up into a frenzy overthinking this OP. Just accept that it didn't work out and it wasn't meant to be.

Shit men (and women) can change, yes.

My daughter's dad is easier to live with for his new partner I imagine than he was with me (we are very different women). But also won't commit to her whereas he was full on with me.

My dad massively mellowed with age and became a better man after meeting my mom, tho still not perfect.

My husband is a better man now than he was when I met him - kinder and more fair and measured - because he stopped drinking. I too have stopped drinking and I am more honest and reliable and less prone to self-indulgent mood swings.

Everyone can change, of course. But you might have waited forever for the man you mention to change. For all you know he is just the same with this new woman than he was with you. Looking happy together isn't an indicator - when my husband and I were having extreme marital troubles I remember everyone used to tell me how in love with me he was when they saw us together - well yes he was, and I loved him, but we were still treating each other awfully at that time..... If you can, try and put it from your mind. Focus on you, on being happy yourself, (and finding someone who makes YOU look that happy if that's what you want).

What is EPB?

In my experience, they do not change. My ex was very emotionally abusive to me. He is now with another woman and at times I have felt angry / hurt / imagined him being a good partner to her.

BUT he still treats me like total shit. Even if he's nice to hear, he's a shit person who treats others as his pawns.

I suspect she is equally dominant and narcissistic - so perhaps they have each found a sparring partner, or perhaps she gives it back to him in a way that keeps him in line.

Not in my experience.

I think it's probably more 'what hasn't she got' .... it's quite likely that you have standards about how you expect to be treated and correctly stick up for yourself. Maybe she's a doormat ? You'll never know xx

Yup

I don't think they change. Good people don't have a string of ex-partners that they've treated badly. My ex acknowledged that he'd been abusive but he said he thought it was because he just hadn't met 'The One' yet. I think it's a very toxic idea that you're mistreating a person because they're just not right for you and when you meet the right one, you'll suddenly feel compelled to treat them with kindness and respect. It's not just men. I have female friends who repeatedly treat their partners like crap and have absolutely no insight into their behaviour. They always seem to think the other person just deserves it for not being good enough for them.

Well, there you go. Thats what he’s doing to her. Nothing to feel jealous of there.

“This is too black and white.

Sometimes people do shit things. It doesn't mean that they are always shitty or that they are destined never to have a successful relationship.

This man treated you badly on that occasion. He obviously wasn't invested in the relationship sufficiently to rectify the situation hence you broke up. Perhaps his new DP is "The One" for him and he's learned his lesson and is treating her better or he's just on his best behaviour for the time being or she's more tolerant of bad behaviour. Or.. or... or...

You'll wind yourself up into a frenzy overthinking this OP. Just accept that it didn't work out and it wasn't meant to be.”

This.