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Original poster

Is it acceptable for him to joining a dating site??

66 replies

LKS13 · 28/10/2023 14:06

So……I’m 45 divorced two older children, been with my partner nearly two years, have a house together for a year, he has a younger child to previous relationship (he’s 9yrs younger than me). So basic picture given……I have been living in this happy bubble until 5 weeks ago now, I thought all was good and then he suddenly told me that he thinks he wants more kids (this is not something possible for me nowadays). He feels like he’s missing out on things with his child……don’t get me wrong this was always a concern for me and was discussed many times. He then proceeded to be really distant with me and wasn’t the same, he told me of lots of things he found wrong with me in our relationship but wanted to work on these. He still got further and further away from me over a 3 week period, staying up late, always on his phone (Red Flag flashing)! He then decided he needed professional help which he is getting both with someone and medication. Then surprise surprise after me begging and pleading with him and him swearing on his child’s life that he wasn’t up to anything, I then get the TV soap moment where I get a message from a stranger to say that she had matched up with him on a dating site, they had been talking just that day, but she had gone on Facebook and found him and saw me! She sent me the messages to be honest they were a bit pathetic and I felt cringe. He didn’t deny it and said he had been talking to a few different women, but says nothing would have come of it and he doesn’t really know why. His therapist says he was looking for a dopamine hit and he’s a complex case!!!
Don’t get me wrong I have my faults at 45 (hormones) so can see his points about our relationship, he really wants to work at us…..I love him but I just don’t know if I can go forward, I feel hurt and humiliated. I’m scared to be on my own, I don’t really have any friends after my divorce (couple friends….drift eventually, no one fell out with me, they were his friends before me). I’m basically here looking for someone to tell me what I already know deep down.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 28/10/2023 14:07

No it's not acceptable, but as you say, you knew this already. I'd be getting rid of him.

Superbroom · 28/10/2023 14:10

Dump him. Why is his therapist disclosing confidential information about their client to you ?

Passerillage · 28/10/2023 14:13

Honestly I would break up with him now. All the signs are pointing towards him wanting something different, doubting the age gap and generally wanting out. I would swerve the inevitable unhappiness of dragging this out and get him out now, so he can have his "dopamine hit" in his own time, not yours. I can't believe he had the absolute gall to say that to you! Definitely a first in all my years on Mumsnet!

Did you BUY a house with him after only knowing him a year?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/10/2023 14:13

Superbroom · 28/10/2023 14:10

Dump him. Why is his therapist disclosing confidential information about their client to you ?

I would imagine that's what Cheaty McCheatpants has told OP the therapist said.

OP you know exactly what's going on here. "Complex case" my foot. He wants out but hasn't got the balls to pull the plug himself. He wants to string you along until he's got a soft landing (onto another woman) in place.

Don't give him the power to decide your future. Tell him it's over and discuss the financial and practical arrangements.

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 14:13

He told me what the therapist said.

OP posts:
Superbroom · 28/10/2023 14:15

LKS13 · 28/10/2023 14:13

He told me what the therapist said.

I thought as much. Whose idea was it to see a therapist ?
Still say dump him.

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 14:18

Yep…..we bought a house together after 8 months of renting. Sounds crazy when you read it like that.

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 28/10/2023 14:18

His therapist says he was looking for a dopamine hit and he’s a complex case!!!
Therapists don't say this sort of shit except on TV.

Just dump him, he's turned out to be a bin fire.

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 14:18

It was his idea.

OP posts:
Jinkeee · 28/10/2023 14:24

Yes, totally unacceptable, but you already know that.

Wanting to have your cake and eat it doesn't make you a "complex case", it just makes you an arse. Dollars to donuts he is putting words in his therapist's mouth.

Also... even if he was a "complex case," that wouldn't make it acceptable in any way. Although he is clearly very pleased with himself at the thought of being so complex and special 🤮

KombuchaKalling · 28/10/2023 14:30

Complex case 🤣. I work in mental health and he just sounds like a dick head to me. I find it hard to believe his therapist would be encouraging this type of behaviour. Get rid. If you’re not in an open relationship then he’s cheating

Superbroom · 28/10/2023 14:36

LKS13 · 28/10/2023 14:18

It was his idea.

I was just wondering if he started seeing a therapist after similar behaviour. In which case he’s weaponising the therapy now to justify his bad behaviour.
Either way it doesn’t matter, he sounds awful and you deserve so much more than this loser.

MolyHacaroni · 28/10/2023 14:39

He's told you what he wants and has also showed you in actions, not to mention bringing some drama into your life with the whole other woman messaging you and sending you proof - who knows if he's behind it to get you to dump him instead.

So do him and yourself a favour and do the deed: let him go and work on your fear of being alone. It keeps people in situationships they shouldn't be in.

It's hard but you need to save yourself from this before he hurts you further.

Basilton · 28/10/2023 14:47

I am baffled by the thread title, you are not seriously asking if it is acceptable for somebody in a two year relationship to join a dating site? Confused

Of course it is not acceptable. That said, I could understand if he decided to end the relationship because of the children situation and I have many a time seen on mumsnet posters being told they need to walk away from certain relationships if they want a child. This is no excuse for going on dating sides though, he should have done the decent thing and ended the relationship.

I guess you have to do that for him now and sort the house / finance side of things out.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 28/10/2023 14:55

🙈Dare I ask: Did you put an agreement in place before buying house with DP for what happens when splitting up, long term illness or if one person can no longer work etc?

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 15:03

Nope nothing in place. The night I found out I got him to message the mortgage advisor to ask about how to buy me out, I will get back what I put in. He earns considerably more than I do and will be fine financially. I would be able to maybe a buy a flat.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 28/10/2023 15:09

Why in god's green earth would you think think it's acceptable? And as for the therapist's comments, being a "complex case" does not give him carte blanche to swan around being a shit to someone he already has a commitment to.

Please give some serious thought to extricating yourself from this relationship. It'll get worse before it gets better, if it ever does.

GilberMarkham · 28/10/2023 15:09

If he was a 50-50 fully engaged Dad, I'm wondering why he'd be missing out on much.

Plus, if it didn't work out with the mother of his first child, why's he so confident it would work out with the mother of a second?.(And then he'd be "missing out" with another child).

But a truly fully involved Dad ..really, how much is he missing out on?

He sounds like he just wants more kids/doesn't want to accept that he's not going to have more kids. Unless he ends your relationship.

Which he's already made two moves towards doing ... By blurting/letting slip to you, and by starting to search for another woman.
He's clearly too cowardly to just be honest (and then not go back on it or waffle around it) and to end the relationship without having another woman set up.

He's been very foolish/unfair buying a property with you too.

But tbh it was too soon for both of you.

GilberMarkham · 28/10/2023 15:12

He sounds like he just wants more kids/doesn't want to accept that he's not going to have more kids. Unless he ends your relationship.

Sorry, I should add - I don't think its just about having more kids, I think he rushed into the relationship and cohabitation with you; and now thinks he wants out, both in general - and because he's not accepted the concept of that being it for him, for life ; relationship with you and no more kids.

GilberMarkham · 28/10/2023 15:16

To be very blunt .... Nearly a decade is an age gap relationship. And age gaps tend to matter when a. People are younger, and b. (Related to the above) people are not happy with never having more kids.

He's not happy with that concept and perhaps the age gap was always going to be an issue after the honeymoon period anyway

Wherher it's kid related or not, a man who's on dating sites hitting up other woman, is not a man who's happy and settled in his relationship (unless he's just a common garden cheater). Presumably you don't want either. ... A man who's got one foot out the door and is trying to line up your replacement ..or a man who's a cheater.

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 15:19

I’ll give him credit here, he is a good day and his child does probably spend more time with us than mum. He’s good with kids and I can truly see why he would want more. As for buying together too soon, yeah I guess you’re right. Saying that my parents met and had a kid together within 11 months and were together for 50 odd years!

OP posts:
Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 15:20

I agree

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 28/10/2023 15:23

he suddenly told me that he thinks he wants more kids (this is not something possible for me nowadays). He feels like he’s missing out on things with his child……don’t get me wrong this was always a concern for me and was discussed many times. He then proceeded to be really distant with me and wasn’t the same, he told me of lots of things he found wrong with me in our relationship but wanted to work on these. He still got further and further away from me over a 3 week period, staying up late, always on his phone (Red Flag flashing)! He then decided he needed professional help which he is getting both with someone and medication. Then surprise surprise after me begging and pleading with him and him swearing on his child’s life that he wasn’t up to anything, I then get the TV soap moment where I get a message from a stranger to say that she had matched up with him on a dating site, they had been talking just that day, but she had gone on Facebook and found him and saw me

This all speak to me anyway, of someone who might be struggling with it a bit - but who wants out.

This is all just noise.

I don't think he's going to stop this, I doubt he's going to get past it and happily stay with his almost decade older gf and acceit never having more kids.

He's flailing around, and he's not settled. That's unlikely to just be solved.

He's gone as far as trying to start something with other women.
That is obviously also not a good reflection on his character at all ... A decent guy in this position would tell you his issues, bit not be trying to get a other woman set up behind you back while he decides if he's going to stay or go.

ChristmasFluff · 28/10/2023 15:24

I'd dump him for swearing on a child's life. In my experience the only people who find this acceptable are liars.

rwalker · 28/10/2023 15:25

Sorry if this is blunt or upset you but he’s in his early thirties and your mid forties this is where the age gap shows

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