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Original poster

Is it acceptable for him to joining a dating site??

66 replies

LKS13 · 28/10/2023 14:06

So……I’m 45 divorced two older children, been with my partner nearly two years, have a house together for a year, he has a younger child to previous relationship (he’s 9yrs younger than me). So basic picture given……I have been living in this happy bubble until 5 weeks ago now, I thought all was good and then he suddenly told me that he thinks he wants more kids (this is not something possible for me nowadays). He feels like he’s missing out on things with his child……don’t get me wrong this was always a concern for me and was discussed many times. He then proceeded to be really distant with me and wasn’t the same, he told me of lots of things he found wrong with me in our relationship but wanted to work on these. He still got further and further away from me over a 3 week period, staying up late, always on his phone (Red Flag flashing)! He then decided he needed professional help which he is getting both with someone and medication. Then surprise surprise after me begging and pleading with him and him swearing on his child’s life that he wasn’t up to anything, I then get the TV soap moment where I get a message from a stranger to say that she had matched up with him on a dating site, they had been talking just that day, but she had gone on Facebook and found him and saw me! She sent me the messages to be honest they were a bit pathetic and I felt cringe. He didn’t deny it and said he had been talking to a few different women, but says nothing would have come of it and he doesn’t really know why. His therapist says he was looking for a dopamine hit and he’s a complex case!!!
Don’t get me wrong I have my faults at 45 (hormones) so can see his points about our relationship, he really wants to work at us…..I love him but I just don’t know if I can go forward, I feel hurt and humiliated. I’m scared to be on my own, I don’t really have any friends after my divorce (couple friends….drift eventually, no one fell out with me, they were his friends before me). I’m basically here looking for someone to tell me what I already know deep down.

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 28/10/2023 15:26

Saying that my parents met and had a kid together within 11 months and were together for 50 odd years!

They probably had a simple situation with them being close in age and not having had any kids yet, and plenty of time to have them together etc.

MMmomDD · 28/10/2023 15:27

I think you know you need to separate.
Not great behaviour with the dating site, obviously. But in some way - i think it’s not unexpected. Your age gap is particularly difficult to navigate.

You got together with him when he was 32. Still quite young - and many men at that age don’t even know if they want to have kids.
He must have had his in his 20s, so very young and probably not planned.

I can see how he can be torn and confused. He probably did fall for you back then and thought he didn’t want kids. But things do change as we mature. He is still only 34.

You need to be the grown up here and let him
go and do his thing. Or he’ll always wonder and resent you. And would leave eventually as he can still have kids for the next 20 years.
Do you really want to live with that hanging over you.

Of course - he should have first broken up with you before acting on it. But people are weak and often don’t deal with confrontation well.

Maddy70 · 28/10/2023 15:29

Its not working for either of you. Time to part

Jewelspun · 28/10/2023 15:29

Sadly the age difference at this stage in both of your life's is not going to work.

He wants more children and you can't.

He's gone about it the wrong way by trying to cheat or actually cheating rather than end it with you amicably.

It's not going toe work. The trust has gone.

GilberMarkham · 28/10/2023 15:31

Then surprise surprise after me begging and pleading with him and him swearing on his child’s life that he wasn’t up to anything, I then get the TV soap moment where I get a message from a stranger

I missed that before.

So not only has ge been caught out hitting up another woman/women via dating sites while in a cohabiting two year relationship with you; but you suspected and he swore on his child's life he wasn't??!!

That's pretty fucking low down, on both counts. In fact the swearing on his child's life, while lying is beyond low.

Anyone who could do that .... Honestly, I think you have had a lucky escape. He has a serious lack of integrity and is a horrendous liar.

DRS1970 · 28/10/2023 15:34

He is having an emotional affair, and stringing you along. You have two choices really, which are either trust it is over and won't happen again, or ditch the cheating liar. You may love him, but he clearly doesn't reciprocate. GL and sorry to hear your news.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/10/2023 15:37

Yes my ex swore on our 2 year olds life there wasn't an OW. Guess what? Absolutely despicable. Unforgivable. OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you, but this man is not the man for you. He's well on his way to an affair, he's lied to your face, he's come out with some utter shite about his "therapist". Get your ducks in a row and get out. He's not worth it. Don't be scared to be on your own. I felt like that once. It's actually great and I'd never live with somebody again. You will get past this and you will be happy. He doesn't deserve you Flowers

Mirabai · 28/10/2023 15:39

Tell him your therapist says it’s over.

Dery · 28/10/2023 15:40

Lots of good advice on this thread. I’m sorry you’re in this position, OP. That’s very painful for you.

But it does sound like your relationship is over because he wants more children and you can’t have them. I’ve heard of that happening in other age gap relationships, particularly where the woman is older (and of course men can father children at a greater age than women can although it’s not without its health implications when they do).

You mention being scared to be alone. Why is that? It’s unhelpful for you because it means you’re likely to make poor relationship decisions just to avoid being alone.

YouJustDoYou · 28/10/2023 15:41

I would be too old (at 40, and used to being shat on), to put up with this shit from men, of any age. You're worth more than this, op. You know who will love you, truly? A dog. Or cats. Pets. Just get pets. Men/humans are shit.

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 15:42

🤣🤣🤣 my dad was actually 17yrs older! I guess sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/10/2023 15:59

Sadly - it’s not the same age gap relationship when the man is older.

Our shorter fertility span makes it harder.
It’s not fair but it’s just the reality.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 28/10/2023 16:04

With respect, in terms of the relationship working well, this chap is certainly not like your Dad.

As PPs have stated: he's got no integrity, and wants out. Let him go.

jsku · 28/10/2023 16:56

Also - with respect - kids are a dealbreaker.
Your Dad had kids with your Mom. It’s different from your situation with your bf.

9 years is a fairly big age difference, when woman is the older one. I think with that age difference - relationships fall apart either at roughly same time as yours now; or a bit later when women hit menopause and the men are still in early 40s.

OP - I am also divorced, with two kids and a little bit older than you. There are plenty of men you can date. You don’t need to be scared of being alone!!!!

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 17:28

I’m scared to be alone as I have no friends now (I have one who lives away). It’s not a man I need it’s friendship, that’s the bit that scares me. I have decided this afternoon to put my brave pants on and I’m going to the Theatre on my own, something I have never done and feel absolute oddball for doing, but thought it might be liberating too. I have two dogs to keep me company too xx

OP posts:
Darhon · 28/10/2023 17:30

rwalker · 28/10/2023 15:25

Sorry if this is blunt or upset you but he’s in his early thirties and your mid forties this is where the age gap shows

He’s mid to late 30s, not early. He’s just a shit

jsku · 28/10/2023 17:32

What happened to your friends pre-bf?
You must know people - or can make friends where you live.
Hanging on to a guy to have companionship isn’t the best idea

metalmutha · 28/10/2023 17:33

Run! Spend the free time joining groups, finding hobbies, and forging new friendships. You're worth so much more than what he has to offer you!

Panaa · 28/10/2023 17:39

His therapist says he was looking for a dopamine hit and he’s a complex case!!!

There's nothing particularly complex about what you said so if the therapist said that then he must be disclosing a lot of thoughts and feelings and behaviour to her that you are not aware of.

solice84 · 28/10/2023 17:42

He's checked out op
Sorry
You can do better
Kick him to the curb please before he has the chance to do the same to you , which he will , and you will regret not getting in there first .

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 17:46

I know that, I wouldn’t/aren’t staying just for that reason, but I am scared. My ex husband and I were together for 19yrs, I had kids young and friendship groups feel apart, I had nursery rhymes to sing whilst they went out. I made friends with other parents and My ex and I had a good relationship group of people he knew before me and some I brought into the mix. After we separated I guess it got awkward to invite us both, he stayed in our home and I moved out of the village into town. The friends we had all lived in the same village (they haven’t fallen out with me and speak if we see each other but that’s kind of just it) I have the kids but they’re teens and doing exactly what teens do (who needs mum when you know everything). I work alone, so don’t even have that. I am going to just have to make some changes and get out more and meet people.

OP posts:
Basilton · 28/10/2023 17:48

Darhon · 28/10/2023 17:30

He’s mid to late 30s, not early. He’s just a shit

Show quote history

He was in the first half of his 30s when they met and embarked upon this relationship. I am inclined to think it was doomed from the start.

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 17:51

He’s 36, we met when he was 32, we weren’t in a relationship at first, we worked together before all of that.

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 28/10/2023 17:53

Sorry but I think you need to throw him out/ask him to stay elsewhere or you move out/stay elsewhere, or at the very least make it clear that this is OVER. He has told you that you're too old for him, he has been messaging other women.

Tell me you're not still sleeping together, sharing a room, cooking etc for him?

Original poster
LKS13 · 28/10/2023 18:25

No not sleeping with him, thankfully we have four bedrooms. I have still done washing and my share of cooking, the kids are here too, more often than not, none of this is there fault and I refuse to live in a bad atmosphere and be petty when cooking and washing is something that needs to be done. Some might think I’m mad for keeping it the same in front of the kids

OP posts: