Is it acceptable for him to joining a dating site??

[LKS13]

So……I’m 45 divorced two older children, been with my partner nearly two years, have a house together for a year, he has a younger child to previous relationship (he’s 9yrs younger than me). So basic picture given……I have been living in this happy bubble until 5 weeks ago now, I thought all was good and then he suddenly told me that he thinks he wants more kids (this is not something possible for me nowadays). He feels like he’s missing out on things with his child……don’t get me wrong this was always a concern for me and was discussed many times. He then proceeded to be really distant with me and wasn’t the same, he told me of lots of things he found wrong with me in our relationship but wanted to work on these. He still got further and further away from me over a 3 week period, staying up late, always on his phone (Red Flag flashing)! He then decided he needed professional help which he is getting both with someone and medication. Then surprise surprise after me begging and pleading with him and him swearing on his child’s life that he wasn’t up to anything, I then get the TV soap moment where I get a message from a stranger to say that she had matched up with him on a dating site, they had been talking just that day, but she had gone on Facebook and found him and saw me! She sent me the messages to be honest they were a bit pathetic and I felt cringe. He didn’t deny it and said he had been talking to a few different women, but says nothing would have come of it and he doesn’t really know why. His therapist says he was looking for a dopamine hit and he’s a complex case!!!
Don’t get me wrong I have my faults at 45 (hormones) so can see his points about our relationship, he really wants to work at us…..I love him but I just don’t know if I can go forward, I feel hurt and humiliated. I’m scared to be on my own, I don’t really have any friends after my divorce (couple friends….drift eventually, no one fell out with me, they were his friends before me). I’m basically here looking for someone to tell me what I already know deep down.

That's a significant age gap, but ateotd a man can have kids almost indefinitely.

(Yes, past 39, mens fertility is affected too, but they can still have them in a way woman can't post menopause).

So it made no difference to your Mum, because she still had the opportunity to have kids.
(If it made a difference in other ways, it was clearly not enough to cause her to end the relationship).

He is acting very much like someone who wants out but who is flip flopping all over the place and also wants to see what/who he can get and set something up before he gets out.

I think, given the chance/opportunity, he'll keep you going until he feels he has forged a viable, solid option with another woman.

This approach, and the lying while swearing on his kid's life (and, as someone phrased it well, the weaponisation of his therapy) are all reasons you should he glad he's looking to get out, avd will.ve someone else's problem. Because those are serious, serious character issues.
A decent man could have perhaps ended up in this position; but he'd be honest/straight and leave; not do what he's doing, going on dating sites behind you back, lying, swearing yes not lying on his child's life, and giving you a contradictory, to and fro, self indulgent, BS narrative that is self serving. Self serving because he's not ready to jump yet and might have some mixed feelings.

Did he get serious with you and move in together (and then co-buy) partly because he wanted an easy, secure, soft landing solution to his living etc circumstances after the breakdown of his relationship with the mother of his child?

It all seems very fast/rushed and careless.

Oh and btw, on a male dominated forum I used to frequent, his behaviour is known as "monkey branching"; making sure you have a firm hold on another branch before removing your hold from the first one.

The men on there accuse women of commonly doing this; blissfully unaware (or wilfully blind) that men can also very much be monkey branchers.

He clearly wants to see what's out there dating/relationship wise, see who he can get, and establish something fairly solid (perhaps with a woman who, unlike his last attempt, is too naive etc to check out his SM and double check he's single as far as she can) ..... before he jumps ship from his secure relationship with his co owning partner (who's probably also a kind step parent to his child).

All the lying and BS is to make sure you don't toss his arse of the ship before he's ready. He wants to have the options and make the decisions; not you.

No, he earns much more than me, I definitely wasn’t a cushion for him. He’s gone above and beyond paying for things for me and my kids. So once again can’t fault him in that part.

Oh my goodness just dump the cheat!! Why the duck wouldn't you???

Fair enough though, I suppose I didn't just mean financial, I meant emotional, company, having someone in general, donestic work, maybe a couple/family setup in which to host his DD (rather than on his own) etc.

Well, whatever his reasons for getting into the relationship and cohabiting so quickly (which you rationalised as similar to your eg parents's accelerated commitment, and just something that happens with some relationships) he clearly, as another poster said, has checked out (or at the v least is one foot out the door). He's also clearly too dishonest, immature etc to be straight about it and act with respect for you.

He could even have asked for a separation (if he wasn't sure he wanted to end the relationship permanently) before he started messaging other people on dating sites, but he's chosen to do it all behind your back, and lie about it, and gas light you, and even swear on his child's life he wasn't doing anything.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but I think that his behaviour and what he's saying mean that the relationship is over. But alongside that, his behaviour in approaching the situation should mean it's over too : because none of it speaks of basic integrity or decency. The swearing on their own child's life thing, while lying, is a hall mark of the shittiest type of character.

Tbh I feel sorry for his next partner, and possibly mother of his next child; because she'd be much more tied to him than you; and he seriously lacks integrity. He's also a naval gazing head fucker who brings his therapy into things.

"a complex case" - not really.

When your partner of two years, with whom you cohabit and have blended families; has a woman you've been interacting with on a dating site (without mentioning the inconvenient fact that you're not, in fact, single to that woman) contacting her and telling her; it's not a complex case, you're just a common garden cheater.

Even worse your partner has suspected you've been doing something like that, and you gas kit her and lied to her. Even invoking your own child's life in those lies; does his therapist know that little nugget?

(Also, as someone who's been a single female, as most of us have at some point) it's not only incredibly disrespectful and unfair to you for him to be joining dating sites & engaging with women on them; but also (obviously to a lesser extent but nonetheless) it's v disrespectful and unfair that he's engaging with single women who are sincerely seeking a relationship etc while lying by omission about having a partner. It's only due to the woman who contacted you doing diligence above what many might do; that either of you knew.
That's disappointing and embittering for her, wasting her time and making her life harder; but, as with you, he doesn't GAF and is happy to mistreat other people. Not complex, just a selfish, low integrity dickhead).

Has he even got a therapist?
Or is he just making it all up?

You are worth more than this.

I'm sure this naval gazer has a therapist.

He's probably rather selective about what he tells them though

Doubt he told them straight that he joined dating sites, starting engaging with women on them ... And when his partner suspected something was up; swore on his own child's life that he wasn't doing anything.

Meanwhile he's "complex". He's a special snowflake, you see. His cheating and mistreatment of others has special reasons for it, he's not like other people.

He wants to work on the relationship.. just to give him time to set the next one up. As a PP said, Monkey Branching.
As you are sad about being alone after this one ends (as it should, immediately), he is too but he's working on solving that by making sure he isn't, if it means lying to you and keeping you there until he is ready then he's ok with that. He has already decided this relationship is over but he wanted you to be the last to know.

I was once told if you are in the wrong relationship you are missing opportunities for the right relationship.
you don’t have friends because you have invested your time in this relationship.
the lady who messaged you seems nice! Message her back a nice message saying how appreciative you are a stranger took the time to help you out.

I love this 🤣. Thanks

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I have read through all these comments and realised I haven’t actually mentioned that I do intend to leave. The night I found out about the dating site, the mortgage advisor was emailed and the process put in place for him to buy me out has started. I have moved rooms, yes I still do my share of house duties, like I said in another comment, I’m not going to be petty in front of the kids by only doing my cooking and washing. I’m an adult and can be reasonable and try to be the better person.
My question on here was to prove to him that I’m doing the right thing, he’s finding it all very difficult to accept and yes I know he seems to be having some sort of break down and anxiety is through the roof for him, he’s apologised and talked and talked to me, begged etc. I still know that what I’m doing is the right thing but I am human and I did absolutely Love this guy and it’s hard to see him so broken and I feel bad, but he needs to realise that he ended this not me. He has been shown this thread to hopefully make him understand my reasons and to hear it from an outside opinion. I did have small doubts I was doing the wrong thing but I do have some respect for myself and won’t allow this. Rule number one, never be number two.

I’m part of many online forums for single women who are navigating the dating world. There are many many tens of thousands of women on these groups and your story seems very much a common theme I’m afraid by women who have been cheated on:

1. a promise to go to therapy. Seems Most cheating guys lie about it and pretend they are going to therapy but in reality, aren’t. They then come back with ridiculous statements like saying they are ‘a complex case’. All utter lies
2. women are getting super good now at googling guys they are dating/ talking to. That’s because a huge % of guys on dating sites are partnered up with someone else. A study showed 30% are married and 12% partnered
3. your partner is likely to be talking to and even meeting up with multiple other women. This woman won’t be the only one.

a good friend of mine recently found out the guy she was about to move in with, had a full wife and 4 kids he lived with , another serious gf (who he also was making plans to move in with) and was hooking up with prostitutes too! All the women involved were very smart , decent, successful women,

defo leave him, this won’t stop and even if it does for now, he will start up again in the future, you are worth far far more than someone like him

I have messaged her and thanked her. She sent me the messages they had sent and did show me that he had only started talking to her that day and had only joined the site the day before. That doesn’t mean he hadn’t joined other sites that I’m unaware of. She was very nice and I was very thankful to her, she said she was sorry but “girl code”. I totally respect her for what she did. She would have been a great friend to get to know but lives 100’s of miles away. We definitely need more people like her in this world.

It’s so so so hard! I understand. But you don’t need to prove anything to him. He crossed one of the biggest boundaries; it wasn’t an accident, it was a concerted effort to hook up with other women. It’s likely he’s most upset that he’s losing the home you’ve just bought together and that that is what he is more upset about

Just get rid of him.

He’s not interested anymore and you can do much better.

I am sorry it feels like shit for now but it will get better.