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Original poster

New Boyf, weird comment about weight

68 replies

laxywax · 26/10/2023 11:38

hi mumsnet,

I met a really nice guy through my athletics club in the summer. Going strong for about 3 months now (so far everything’s been good!) and I’m currently in between training blocks/enjoying a couple of weeks of doing less sport.

the other night whilst getting ready for bed he looked at my rear area and said, no joke, ‘have you put some on?’ I was so shocked I didn’t say address it for a few days. He asked me why I was being quiet so I told him the truth. He apologised and said he was being complimentary/liked the look of me with extra weight there.

the apology was sincere but I am really rattled and see him differently now and don’t know if I should dump him. He’s said a few clumsy things but i put this down to him being a bit blokey.

cant work out if this was him being dumb or nasty.

wwyd?

OP posts:
Cumberbiatch · 26/10/2023 11:40

I wouldn't be able to relax after a comment like this. I think he's a bit of a bellend to think that he has the right to comment on your weight, especially after 3 months.

Original poster
laxywax · 26/10/2023 11:42

Fwiw I’m a size 8!

OP posts:
Namechange666 · 26/10/2023 11:43

Do you think he meant have you built up your glutes in your training? When I'm in gym, I see lots of girls have really toned and round bums from doing certain weights and squats. I'm so jealous because I'm just fat.

From what you've said, I don't think he meant it bad, maybe just worded badly.

Some men do love a good bottom. Not everyone has to be the same size or shape to be attractive.

I think as women we are drilled in from a young age we must be slim and taut otherwise we look awful which is truly ridiculous.

It sounds to me like you look great.

Edited typos.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2023 11:43

I would dump him. What other clumsy things has this man uttered?. I would not necessarily put it down to him being "blokey" either. You should at the very least expect to be respected.

Namechange666 · 26/10/2023 11:45

Although saying that, when you've said he said other clumsy things...

I mean it's good he apologised and didn't try to make out like you were being sensitive... it might help hearing the other clumsy terms he has said before we know?

Specso · 26/10/2023 11:46

I don’t think he necessarily had any bad intention when he said it and as you say is probably just his way.

For me personally I couldn’t be with someone who says things like that. My love language is words so things like that really bother me. I know a few people who are like that and say tactless things or comment on things in a way I don’t like. I don’t think they’re bad people but I couldn’t be in a relationship with them.

If it’s put you off him then consider dumping rather than wasting any more of your time. It’s a fairly new relationship.

Original poster
laxywax · 26/10/2023 11:54

@Namechange666 ive been training less lately (past couple of weeks as I take a break) so, no my glutes aren’t bigger in that respect.

Other clumsy things… hmm. A few references to women he’s broken up with before. It’s actually hard to put my finger on properly.

bleugh. Think the writing is on the wall with this one

OP posts:
picklsey · 26/10/2023 11:55

Agree with PP asking what other clumsy things have been said. It could definitely be simply being clueless and blokey... could equally be negging.

Could it be that he's used to talking about small fluctuations of weight? With you both being into athletics that wouldn't seem too far out of the realms of possibility to me, so could be a simple passing comment for him.

Hard to tell without more context really, but I'm not sure that I'd dump him over one comment. If there have been more, then I'd be assessing all the comments as a whole.

Go with your gut though, if you're ever in doubt. It will tell you more than you need to know!

picklsey · 26/10/2023 11:58

Also to add, that I hope you're alright. At the end of the day, if it's given you the ick, then it probably isn't the right thing for you right now. Especially if he's impacting your confidence in any way - it's not worth it!

JaxiiTaxii · 26/10/2023 12:00

Your bum looks great - compliment.

Have you put weight on? - not a compliment

It doesn't matter if you're an 8 or an 18, he's told you minor changes in your figure are being monitored.

That would not be healthy for me.

Peoplemakemedespair · 26/10/2023 12:00

I could be massively jumping the gun here, but I’d be worried that it’s the start of one of those relationships where the man tears the woman’s self esteem apart to make her feel lucky to have him while he treats her like crap. He’s giving you little digs, first about his other women (I’m guessing he’s making you compare yourself to his exes), and now about your weight. All we know for definite is that you’ve only been with him a matter of weeks, but he’s already making you feel like shit about yourself. I’d be very cautious about proceeding with this relationship

Resilience · 26/10/2023 12:04

You're only 3 months in and not living together so you have a choice:

Give him the benefit of the doubt but do not let things get more serious until you've had a chance to watch and evaluate his behaviour further.

Or

Decide it's just not worth it because of how it's made you feel and end things.

Only you can decide if you can tolerate someone whose heart is in the right place but occasionally says the wrong thing (it's not a judgement call just a recognition of your own limits). What you need to be sure of though is that it's not a form of negging being used to test your tolerance for abusive behaviour.

Namechange666 · 26/10/2023 12:06

Op at the end of the day, as others have said, it's how you feel and it sounds like he's really given you the ick so on that alone, I would end it.

It's hard to get past that point I think.

It's your life and obviously you know what he's like. He's clearly made you feel rubbish a few times then that alone makes him not good enough.

Thanks for clarifying further.

Original poster
laxywax · 26/10/2023 12:07

@JaxiiTaxii yeh, like I get that we both do sports and weight changes go with the territory, but I was in my bloody bedroom, not in a gym. It didn’t feel like a compliment

OP posts:
RoachFish · 26/10/2023 12:21

I think I get it. I was dating a guy over the summer who was constantly commenting on my body and although it wasn’t necessarily anything obviously negative it made me really uncomfortable knowing he was keeping tabs on any little spot, scar, shape of my nose etc. That then escalated to commenting on how my clothes fit, tell me he didn’t like colour I was wearing etc. In his case he was definitely feeling inferior because I got a lot more attention when we went out, but I just didn’t feel like being the person that took the hit so that he could feel better about himself. I’d say dump him and let him know why.

ActDottie · 26/10/2023 12:33

I think if he meant it in a “it’s sexy you’ve put weight on” kinda way then there are a million different ways he could’ve said that in a complimentary way before saying what he said.

I’d just feel insecure and I’d hate to start feeling insecure around my partner so I’d try to distance myself from him. It’s only been three months so I’d just start to drift apart.

Original poster
laxywax · 26/10/2023 12:34

gross. I’m sorry you experienced such fuckery!

OP posts:
Original poster
laxywax · 26/10/2023 12:35

laxywax · 26/10/2023 12:34

gross. I’m sorry you experienced such fuckery!

To @RoachFish

OP posts:
Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 26/10/2023 12:39

He could have been complimenting you and you are taking it negatively.
His apology was sincere as you say.
It doesn’t mean it was right of him to say it or in that way but the best way forward is lots of open communication.
If you can’t move past it then LTB.

Maray1967 · 26/10/2023 12:39

JaxiiTaxii · 26/10/2023 12:00

Your bum looks great - compliment.

Have you put weight on? - not a compliment

It doesn't matter if you're an 8 or an 18, he's told you minor changes in your figure are being monitored.

That would not be healthy for me.

Spot on. To my mind it is never a compliment to have your weight commented on. The person should just say you’re looking great if they want to compliment you.

If this or similar had happened to me, I’d make it clear I don’t like it. If it happened again, I’m done.

IceCreamSundaeCat · 26/10/2023 12:54

Well I have a skinny bottom (NOT a compliment to myself) so would have been delighted by that comment! Once I was walking into town and some bloke cycling past shouted out 'oi, you're no J.Lo, are you'. Made me laugh and roll my eyes at the same time.

Only you can say if you want to continue with him or not. It doesn't sound like you're that keen?

tattygrl · 26/10/2023 12:54

My gut reaction reading this was that it's negging. Take that with a pinch of salt because of course I don't know either of you, but if he meant it as a compliment, wouldn't he have said something... complimentary? Like something appreciative or flirty etc., not a question asking if you've put "some" on.

My gut says it's testing the waters with subtly critical statements, to sort of put you in the mindset of being monitored and judged, but if he's questioned, he can play innocent because he's not said anything out and out nasty.

If you're not vigilant about this sort of thing you can quickly become acclimatised to this sort of thing and before you know it you're feeling rubbish about yourself and can't put your finger on why. Like you said, "it didn't feel like a compliment". Listen to that feeling.

NotLactoseFree · 26/10/2023 12:58

Quite frankly, there is no need ever for a man to comment on your weight loss or weight gain specifically with the very possible exception of a long term partner being concerned about your health, and even then, it would have to be about health and not about weight gain.

A man who wants to complement your bottom, whether it has got bigger or smaller, can do so without any reference to its size or any comparisons between how it looks today vs last month.

Also, comments about ex girlfriends, assuming they are negative, is a big red flag.

ScribblingPixie · 26/10/2023 13:03

I think it's equally relevant that you don't like a couple of things he's said about other women. Your gut instinct is speaking to you!

JammingJam · 26/10/2023 13:13

Yeah, agree it sounds like negging. Or just a plain old straightforward insult. And you a size 8 ffs. And a couple of other comments about women (I am curious to know what they are?!). Even really stupid men know not to comment negatively on women’s bodies and he’s a new man too, only 3 months in. Sounds entitled (who does he think he is to judge you?) and possibly doesn’t like women much either. Give him the old heave ho as cleanly and quickly as possible? He doesn’t sound like he deserves any other consideration.

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