New Boyf, weird comment about weight

[laxywax]

hi mumsnet,

I met a really nice guy through my athletics club in the summer. Going strong for about 3 months now (so far everything’s been good!) and I’m currently in between training blocks/enjoying a couple of weeks of doing less sport.

the other night whilst getting ready for bed he looked at my rear area and said, no joke, ‘have you put some on?’ I was so shocked I didn’t say address it for a few days. He asked me why I was being quiet so I told him the truth. He apologised and said he was being complimentary/liked the look of me with extra weight there.

the apology was sincere but I am really rattled and see him differently now and don’t know if I should dump him. He’s said a few clumsy things but i put this down to him being a bit blokey.

cant work out if this was him being dumb or nasty.

wwyd?

I think you already know that the end is near....

Just hasn’t engaged brain before speaking. Probably didn’t intend to be so offensive. Stupid comment which he has apologised for and will learn from. I think men sometimes don’t understand how things sound. My husband used to call me random names and once called me ‘ truffle pig’ because he said they’re cute. I wasn’t impressed and he was mortified 😂

that sounded more sinister than I intended

So comments about women are a bit subtle but curious to hear (although I already know I’m going to end things).

like, I mentioned a tapas place in town I’d like to try and he mentioned he had broken up with someone in a tapas restaurant once. Bit odd isn’t it? I was also thinking how that poor woman would have bad associations with that place now.

anyway, nevermind. Onto the next I guess.

Your gut is steering you right, I think, OP. The tapas restaurant comment is odd. I had an ex who would make comments similar to that, and it always seemed to me like a kind of warning not to get comfortable, or like something designed to dampen my mood or make me feel a little less secure. But in a really subtle way so I could never quite put my finger on it or call him out on it.

@tattygrl yes! It’s like ‘here’s what to expect’. I couldn’t work out why it stuck in my head until now

Strange comment re tapas

Weird to keep bringing up exes

Clumsy at best to refer to weight on arse!

It clearly wasn’t a compliment, I’m always surprised when posters try to twist themselves into knots to justify a dig. It’s actually worse than the dig itself.

Two things- he talks about other women in an objectifying way. They are the objects of his actions. He broke up with her there- not

That’s where we were when I had to say… or
I have sad memories about that place.

I mean who breaks up with a woman in a busy restaurant?

Also, you know what an admiring comment feels like. That must not have been one!

I’d get rid of him, what often Starts as a joke often turns into bullying and abuse 🚩

I think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. God knows, we've all made some clumsy comments that didn't land well.

You know he could have said "I love your body" but instead chose to ask if you'd put on weight, then tried to pass that off as a compliment. He dumped someone in a restaurant - how confident would you be going to restaurants with him in future.

I hope that other woman walked off and left him with the bill.

Of course HE ended the relationship in the tapas bar, no further explanation needed, because HE’S such a big shot 😝! He’s also telling you your future. You will be dropped unceremoniously and he will then brag about it.

how confident would you be going to restaurants with him in future?

That made me laugh 😆 though I’m sure that wasn’t the poster’s intention! Hopefully not too insensitive, as maybe the OP is actually upset.

@OhComeOnFFS very good point! Thankfully it won’t come to that but yeh, I would be wary. No patatas bravas with him LOL.

it wasn’t like he was referring to the exact restaurant I mentioned (not that it matters), but a weird thing to say to a new gf.

I would call him out straight away if he comments on your body again and a third strike and he’s out.

The restaurant thing sounds like just a random comment.

You should dump if you want of course, but I wouldn’t necessarily condemn him on those two examples.

Take him for a tapas and dump him!!

What a complete bastard! You should finish with him immediately. It doesn’t matter if he is a nice guy, kind, generous thoughtful in other ways, shares interests, enjoys your company. He asked a question about you! Utter scum.

This is a bit of a weird one - does he lift weights? Do you?

I do and if anything I would take it as a compliment if my partner asked me that. Genuinely

If either of you are into resistance training, he may not have thought he was offending you. Depending on the context I wouldn't 100% consider it a red flag

@AdiosHombre i laughed out loud, thanks!

Red flag. Probably best to end it before you’re more invested and he’s chipping away at your self esteem.

Any man should know you never ask a woman if she's put on weight, particularly in that area! Unless as PP says you are trying to reshape through weight training and he said 'I really see the difference in your beautiful bottom' then he's very clumsy indeed.

So agree.

If it stings, it ain't no compliment.

He backed off from it because you challenged it.

Don't doubt your gut.

The tapas comment confirms he's a real twat.

Nice men do not make negative personal comments on appearance.

Insecure, twatty men do.

Glad to read you are dumping.

Don't be gentle with him, he doesn't deserve it.

Ugh, there's no cause for anyone other than your doctor to ask if you've put on weight. It's not a compliment and also creepy AF that a man is paying attention to it in just 3 months. At this point he should be thinking the sun shines out of your arse, not that your arse looks fat.

The tapas restaurant comment is weird as well - not the right setting or situation to bring up an ex!! Also, only a dickhead would break up with someone over dinner in a restaurant - it's humiliating for the dumpee. I'm sure he can control his 'clumsy' comments at work just fine, so the fact he's not reigning it in with you is intentional. Yes, I would break up with him as he's either lacking in empathy or just has a mean streak with women.

I once dated a guy who told he me broke up with his long term ex at a gig as he found her annoying. It always struck me as quite callous and I wish I'd paid attention to my gut. Sure enough he broke up with me the day he was supposed to help me move - he just didn't show up to help as he'd agreed and told me on the phone while I was with the movers. Arsehole.

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