Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New Boyf, weird comment about weight

68 replies

laxywax · 26/10/2023 11:38

hi mumsnet,

I met a really nice guy through my athletics club in the summer. Going strong for about 3 months now (so far everything’s been good!) and I’m currently in between training blocks/enjoying a couple of weeks of doing less sport.

the other night whilst getting ready for bed he looked at my rear area and said, no joke, ‘have you put some on?’ I was so shocked I didn’t say address it for a few days. He asked me why I was being quiet so I told him the truth. He apologised and said he was being complimentary/liked the look of me with extra weight there.

the apology was sincere but I am really rattled and see him differently now and don’t know if I should dump him. He’s said a few clumsy things but i put this down to him being a bit blokey.

cant work out if this was him being dumb or nasty.

wwyd?

OP posts:
PrinnyPree · 26/10/2023 15:38

Glad you seem to have his number OP, I think he's getting you in a boiling frog position, little things here and there to put you on edge but testing the water as he escalates, "have you put on weight" & "oh I broke up with someone there" in a year's time he'll be calling you a fat bitch if he sees you eating bread and gaslighting you that you're like all his other "psycho" ex-girlfriends. x

Original poster
laxywax · 26/10/2023 15:42

@xanadu123 im sorry you had to encounter such a Prince. My god do they tell on themselves!

former partners have been so much more.. complimentary about my appearance and body so this one really stunned me. I obviously don’t know him well enough to know the intention but this early on was red flaggish. Plus I tend to agree with other comments about the meal. All I could think of was ‘poor her’ and wonder if that was pre-planned.

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 26/10/2023 15:45

At best, this guy is thick as shit. It's 3 months in and already he's insulting you, referring to ex girlfriends and dumps people in public. It's not going to get any better.

Time for an upgrade.

idril · 26/10/2023 15:54

OK, going against the grain here (and as fellow athete) but as you talk about belonging to an athletics club and training blocks, I think the context is key here. If you are a size 8 then it might not have even occurred to him that you would even think about your weight or size in a negative way. It's kind of just part of the training. I am assuming you plan on getting back to "race weight". Could it have been just an observation related to training rather than meant negatively?

Original poster
laxywax · 26/10/2023 15:57

@idril im not consciously planning to be/not be any weight. Just healthy and active in my (hobby) sport. :)

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 16:03

I’d put the boundary in place and say you don’t like comments about your weight.

Then watch and wait. A good bf will say sorry and not do it again. A not good bf would blame it on you being too sensitive and continue to do it. If he does that just get rid.

xanadu123 · 26/10/2023 16:14

idril · 26/10/2023 15:54

OK, going against the grain here (and as fellow athete) but as you talk about belonging to an athletics club and training blocks, I think the context is key here. If you are a size 8 then it might not have even occurred to him that you would even think about your weight or size in a negative way. It's kind of just part of the training. I am assuming you plan on getting back to "race weight". Could it have been just an observation related to training rather than meant negatively?

Also part of an athletic club and when someone wants to be complimentary about weight gain, they'd say, 'Great gains, looking good'. Not look at my bum when i'm in a naked/vulnerable position in my bedroom and ask if i put weight on - and not follow it up with something positive like "suits you, looks good yada yada."

idril · 26/10/2023 16:24

@xanadu123 Well we are all different. I personally wouldn't have got upset about the comment because I know I'm not overweight and its clear that OP isn't either. He also apologised. I wouldn't expect anyone in my club to comment about my weight/looks - that would be weird. But if my boyfriend/husband did, I wouldn't care unless I was worried that I was overweight.

RoachFish · 26/10/2023 16:37

idril · 26/10/2023 16:24

@xanadu123 Well we are all different. I personally wouldn't have got upset about the comment because I know I'm not overweight and its clear that OP isn't either. He also apologised. I wouldn't expect anyone in my club to comment about my weight/looks - that would be weird. But if my boyfriend/husband did, I wouldn't care unless I was worried that I was overweight.

I think for me it wasn't so much that I thought that I didn't look good, it's more just that I knew that the guy was sort of studying me and felt it was OK to make comments about my body. It's objectifying and it's done to make the other people feel insecure. Hopefully OP doesn't feel that way but it certainly made her feel uncomfortable.

Noicant · 26/10/2023 16:46

Yeah that wasn’t a compliment, you didn’t ask him to comment on your butt, I’d get rid. In my experience, men who start off with this shit just escalate. He’ll apologise and he’ll do it again. Agreed it sounds like negging.

IceCreamSundaeCat · 26/10/2023 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JammingJam · 26/10/2023 16:58

Nasty uncalled for comment @IceCreamSundaeCat so I’ve reported you.

xanadu123 · 27/10/2023 00:03

idril · 26/10/2023 16:24

@xanadu123 Well we are all different. I personally wouldn't have got upset about the comment because I know I'm not overweight and its clear that OP isn't either. He also apologised. I wouldn't expect anyone in my club to comment about my weight/looks - that would be weird. But if my boyfriend/husband did, I wouldn't care unless I was worried that I was overweight.

It's not about what you're comfortable about but what about a bloke you've been dating for 3 months thinks you're comfortable with - when he barely knows you. Because you're judging his character, not your own. And you should be questioning why a bloke feels comfortable questioning your weight when you know he wouldn't do it to another bloke. He isn't going to a changing room commenting on the arses of men in the club... So why would any man do it to a woman? In a n athletics club everyone is equal right. That's how you spot red flags in dickhead men - questioning their behaviour and intentions rather than your reaction to it.

A man who comments on your weight in 3 months is a man who defines you by your appearance. Such a man is never ever going to treat you as an equal. The people he sees as equals - other men or women he respects - he wouldn't have the audacity to comment on their weight. If he's doing it to you, he thinks you'll put up with his shit - not because you're confident but because he knows you're naive.

I can assure you there are men who will never ever comment on your weight because it's not something that even registers when they look at you.

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2023 02:15

Every man knows not to comment on a woman's weight. Let alone suggesting they've put on weight.

Let's not bullshit ourselves into thinking he's that naive! Even if he is...why the fuck would it be worth the risk hanging around to find out? And tbf, someone that stupid and tactless is probably not someone you'd want to date anyway.

But nah- He's testing the waters to see what he could get away with. Starting to attempt to shake your boundaries. Checking to seeing if your weight is a weakness to you that he he can use to damage your self esteem.

Run fast and run far. No need to give more chances to this one. Don't be gaslighted by excuses. There are none.

Sorry he turned out to be an asshole.
Plenty more fish in the sea though!

intherough · 27/10/2023 07:16

Not acceptable, this is horrible OP

intherough · 27/10/2023 07:17

I very much agree with testing the waters to see what he could get away with, OP please DUMP

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 07:32

intherough · 27/10/2023 07:17

I very much agree with testing the waters to see what he could get away with, OP please DUMP

I suspect that credits him woth way more intelligence and machiavalean tendencies than is true, he simply opened his mouth and said exactly he was thinking.

WeeStyleIcon · 27/10/2023 07:45

Listen to your gut. I had an x who said a few things that were,,,,,,,,,,,,, I was indecisive, I didn't know how to categorise them. AT THE TIME.

One of the weird things he said as a joke, so ha ha, that disguises a lot, an unattractive woman is a ''woman'' but an attractive woman is a girl.. He was talking about women in their 40s. I said no they're all women. I can't believe now I didn't get so turned instantly.. i just filed it away under what the fuck. it came back explosively later though

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread