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Original poster

Questions to ask my cheating husband

77 replies

Partyintheusa2012 · 25/10/2023 09:39

Hi all,

Found out my husband has been having an affair (which is apparently over....).

Help me out with all the detailed questions you would ask your husband if he had an affair, I want to try to get all the details out in one go, so I know the entire truth (as he tells it anyway).

OP posts:
EVHead · 25/10/2023 09:42

I would tell him you know, and see how he reacts.

Is your source reliable? If so, I’d be telling DH you’re divorcing and you’re seeing a solicitor to make financial arrangements, etc.

I wouldn’t want “the truth” because I wouldn’t believe him, and the details would just be torturous.

Malificent1 · 25/10/2023 09:44

You won’t get the truth. You’ll get as much info from him as he thinks he can get away with giving you.

It will start with how much she chased him. It wasn’t his fault. And she’s crazy. Insane. Poor him.

Pertangyangkipperbang · 25/10/2023 09:49

The questions you ask are.
When are you packing your bags.
When are you getting a solicitor.
Do l need to get a STI check.

MyCatsAreFuckwits · 25/10/2023 09:50

What I have learnt from my experience is you will never find out the truth, and if you did you would never be certain that it was in fact the truth.

My main question would be: "When are you leaving?"

Don't be me and put up with it happening multiple times (probably more than I even found out about).
I wasted years that I will never get back.

Plan for your future and this will be time and energy well spent. X

Lavenderosa · 25/10/2023 10:00

It doesn't matter what you ask him because you are unlikely to be told the truth. He's deceived you so you know he's not honest. It's pointless trying to get 'the details' from him, you're just setting yourself up to be fed whatever he thinks will make him look best.

Starseeking · 25/10/2023 10:02

Pertangyangkipperbang · 25/10/2023 09:49

The questions you ask are.
When are you packing your bags.
When are you getting a solicitor.
Do l need to get a STI check.

All of this.

OhComeOnFFS · 25/10/2023 10:03

You're not going to be told the truth, so bear that in mind immediately. It will have gone on for longer than he admits to. He'll say she made the first move. He'll say they didn't have sex often and that he didn't enjoy it. He'll basically say anything he can to put himself in a better light.

Who was the other woman?

What are you going to do?

ZekeZeke · 25/10/2023 10:05

Does he know that you know?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 25/10/2023 10:10

I wouldn’t torture myself asking questions and getting more lies on top of the hundreds he must already have told you to cover his tracks. I would move forward on the assumption that he is a liar who does not care about me and the details would be irrelevant.

egowise · 25/10/2023 10:12

this

egowise · 25/10/2023 10:12

Pertangyangkipperbang · 25/10/2023 09:49

The questions you ask are.
When are you packing your bags.
When are you getting a solicitor.
Do l need to get a STI check.

sorry, meant to quote this

Dery · 25/10/2023 10:14

“I wouldn’t torture myself asking questions and getting more lies on top of the hundreds he must already have told you to cover his tracks. I would move forward on the assumption that he is a liar who does not care about me and the details would be irrelevant.”

This. Sorry you’re in this position, OP.

Mylovelygreendress · 25/10/2023 10:14

In my experience, you will be given very limited information plus he will try to turn it so that it’s your fault - not enough attention ( sex) etc etc
I divorced mine .

HighywayToHell · 25/10/2023 10:17

You won’t get the truth. When I found out ExDP had an EA with my good friend all I wanted to know was “why?”

neither could give me a straight answer.

Original poster
Partyintheusa2012 · 25/10/2023 10:18

Thank you. Yes he does know that I'm aware and has, so far, been remarkably contrite. Will happily go to Counselling; will continue to pay for the kids schooling etc long term, will financially support me.

I'm not sure whether that is just first blush guilt, but we will find out.

I want to make him squirm, I want to ask all the questions he won't want to answer. I might not get the truth, but he's not getting away without having a few uncomfortable conversations.

OP posts:
BunnyOnTheOnion · 25/10/2023 10:18

Unless he's a total psychopath he is going to minimise the affair when he tells you his version, he will genuinely hope that this saves you from more feeling even more hurt and also be trying to reduce his guilt and shame at behaving so badly towards you. He will tell you that it was shorter, less serious, less intense than it really was. He may well try and blame OW or you rather than his own wants and weaknesses.

An affair exists like a little bubble outside of reality, the degree to which he will have compartmentalised this will astound you. He can love you and want to remain married while simultaneously having intense feelings and infatuation with someone else.

The questions you might want to ask...who/ when / where / how often isn't getting to the root of it though. Ask him how it made him feel, what he got from it, what made him put his feelings and needs ahead of you and your marriage vows. Don't get fixated on trying to work out what thing the OW has that you don't... It really isn't about her, or you, it's something that is lacking in him.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/10/2023 10:19

The only question is “what’s your forwarding address so I can pass it to my solicitor”

Infidelity is my red line.

HowAmYa · 25/10/2023 10:20

The best thing you can do is file for a divorce.

There's no excuses for an affair. It's disgusting. The lack of love and respect for you and your family is beyond vile.

He can answer all the uncomfortable questions then.

Whenwillitpass · 25/10/2023 10:22

I would be wary of asking for too many details. my ex dp offered up some info about where/ when etc and the problem is that now they haunt me. I think it’s better not to know too much and just move on as best you can, which is not easy. If you decide to give him a second chance then perhaps you can explore some of the questions in counselling. If you decide to leave him I think it’s easier not to know too much.

ABeautifulThing · 25/10/2023 10:22

BunnyOnTheOnion · 25/10/2023 10:18

Unless he's a total psychopath he is going to minimise the affair when he tells you his version, he will genuinely hope that this saves you from more feeling even more hurt and also be trying to reduce his guilt and shame at behaving so badly towards you. He will tell you that it was shorter, less serious, less intense than it really was. He may well try and blame OW or you rather than his own wants and weaknesses.

An affair exists like a little bubble outside of reality, the degree to which he will have compartmentalised this will astound you. He can love you and want to remain married while simultaneously having intense feelings and infatuation with someone else.

The questions you might want to ask...who/ when / where / how often isn't getting to the root of it though. Ask him how it made him feel, what he got from it, what made him put his feelings and needs ahead of you and your marriage vows. Don't get fixated on trying to work out what thing the OW has that you don't... It really isn't about her, or you, it's something that is lacking in him.

Spot on.

silentpool · 25/10/2023 10:23

Get a lawyer and get the best deal you can while he is still feeling guilty. He is dishonest because he cheated on you, with all of the lying that entails. Why would he tell you the truth now?

wereonthemarket · 25/10/2023 10:26

Please will you go to the solicitor tomorrow and put in writing that you will financially support me/the kids etc and formalise the arrangements for the custody of the children?

That would be my only question. And once he has done the right thing there then happily discuss anything else.

While he is feeling contrite and guilty and making promises about finance you need to get it in writing. Because it won't last.

Fireandflames · 25/10/2023 10:26

There’s no point asking anything, they always lie and minimize everything.

LightSpeeds · 25/10/2023 10:27

Pertangyangkipperbang · 25/10/2023 09:49

The questions you ask are.
When are you packing your bags.
When are you getting a solicitor.
Do l need to get a STI check.

^This

UnevenBalance · 25/10/2023 10:28

The questions you might want to ask...who/ when / where / how often isn't getting to the root of it though. Ask him how it made him feel, what he got from it, what made him put his feelings and needs ahead of you and your marriage vows.

👏👏

And also did he think about the dcs and the effect destroying their family will have on them?
Because he hasn’t just betrayed you but also his dcs. How is it that they weren’t important enough either?