Questions to ask my cheating husband

[Partyintheusa2012]

Hi all,

Found out my husband has been having an affair (which is apparently over....).

Help me out with all the detailed questions you would ask your husband if he had an affair, I want to try to get all the details out in one go, so I know the entire truth (as he tells it anyway).

Don't be convinced by the contrite attitude. That will fade when he realises how much this will cost him. Make sure you have all the documentation you need and or evidence. If you chose to forgive, that is your decision. If not, prepare for a battle once it starts being 'your fault.

Can I ask what you think you will gain by hearing his responses to whatever difficult questions you might want to ask?
Do you want to hear where they met ? Where they slept together? What she looks like ? Is she young? Pretty? Older? Less attractive?
And so he tells you . Then what ?

If you think there is a way you can work through this , you'll have this in your head forever, you'll know what restaurants, what hotels , how she looks ,where they met in your head rent free forever. And for what ?

If you've decided to end it but want to hear warts and all , prepare yourself and be kind to yourself with what you may hear . It takes a strong women to hear the truth and live with it . remember this is his life choices and his behaviour, not a reflection of you or who you are

A post mortem on a affair is very rarely therapeutic. He very clear what you will do with what you may hear and why you need to know .

You'll never know the truth. The longer you try to stay in this relationship, the more damage you will do to your mental health and all future roads.

I would ask if he had unprotected sex. If he always used a condom. Did it ever split? Would he have sex without one?

I would ask to know about STD risk with this affair and also just incase there was another occasion he slept with someone else. I think that bothers me. Your risk has increased without you knowing.

I am sorry.

@Partyintheusa2012 firstly, stop posting about this here and head to the Surviving Infidelity website. Go to their just found out forum and post. You’ll get some more nuanced replies. A full and complete timeline is always the first request. That will usually raise the questions you want answered.

It pretty much saved my sanity.

But I would always contact a solicitor, get STI tests and make sure you get individual counselling. Self care and protection first no matter what decision you make in the future.

Act normal until he goes to work etc.
Get black bags and pack his things put it all outside and change the locks.
Send message I KNOW WHAT YOU DID YOUR CRAP IS OUT SIDE THE LOCKS HAVE BEEN CHANGED.
Divorce papers will be on there way have good day kissies.

Or ask what questions you want pick a question 4 a week later see if you get the same answer.

No one on here can tell you what to ask as each person may want different things. For some they had to get as much info as possible and for others it made it all much worse hearing it. You need to think about what you need to know for your healing. You are in defence/anger mode and trying to "make him squirm" is likely to backfire on you. Take a look on surviving infidelity forum and look up the grief cycle. You don't have to do anything right now if you don't know what to do. Just do what you need to survive and start healing.

The key thing you will need for closure is the why but he needs to be prepared to say why and you need to be prepared to hear why. It might be better to do this I counselling to avoid any finger pointing and escalation.

Just accept you will never really know. He can tell you a version of events to help you calm yourself to your new normal, but he's a proven liar isn't he so.....

I think if you are going to move on, you need to do what you need, but be wary of buying into his version of events.

I would ask if he had unprotected sex. If he always used a condom. Did it ever split? Would he have sex without one?

You can still get a dose of eg HPV or HSv etc even with condom use. Only needs skin to skin contact in the genital and ass/upper thigh region.

Best to just get a full screening done anyway. I'm not sure if hsv shows up unless you have an outbreak though.

But, yes - if he didn't use condoms for full act everytime, he was even happier to put your sexual health at risk. And risk a pregnancy.

But as many posters have said; can you really rely on a proven liar to tell the truth?

If he thinks you'll hit the roof if he admits to having sex etc without condoms, this paragin of integrity & honesty is hardly going to just say they didn't use condoms.

IME men caught having affairs lie on a wholesale basis. My STBXH certainly did. I did not find it helpful to even ask. Focus on you, your DC and what you want and need now. Sorry to be cynical but IME as soon as it becomes apparent that you are serious about divorce he will start to become a whole lot more reticent on financial support. My counsel would be if you have decided the marriage is over limit discussions to practical considerations for the children and deal with the financial arrangements having taken legal advice and prepare yourself mentally for him to turn out to be not even the man you thought he once was.

THE LOCKS HAVE BEEN CHANGED.

Can you do that if his name is in the deeds/mortgage/rental agreement?

Anyway - why is she telling him she knows what he did? he already knows she knows.

IME men caught having affairs lie on a wholesale basis

They had a script for the OW.

They'll have a script for you when they're caught.

Both scripts paint the two women as unstable/unwanted etc. You would be unwanted to some degree when he was getting involved in cheating with her (but he couldn't just leave you cause; the kids!!)

Now she'll be unwanted (now he's been caught). She'll probably be unstable too.

And remember the first rule of getting caught is to only admit to what you can't avoid admitting. Only admit to as much as you're forced to/as much as can be proven.

It is not in their interests to be brutally honest.

Why do you want to know? What will you gain from it?
Him revealing the details isn’t going to make him feel remorse or bad for what he did. If he was capable of feeling true remorse or shame he either wouldn’t have done it in the first place, or he would have put a stop to it immediately.
Just get rid of him, move on, find someone better. Save revealing details for the future when YOU can tell him you are glad he cheated because your life is so much better without him in it.

Will happily go to Counselling; will continue to pay for the kids schooling etc long term, will financially support me.

But if the first one means you're staying together...why wouldn't he continue to pay for his kids schools and support you financially?

Do you mean even if you don't stay together?

Maybe he'll pay for the schools of he gives one jot about his kids; but I wouldn't rely on ongoing financial support .... That tends to change when ppl separate/divorce and get new partners. And possibly more kids.

When are you leaving is all you need to ask?

He'll miniseries and bullshit everything else so I wouldn't even bother.

Also don't ask if you need an STI test, just get one. Even if he uses condoms there are still risks and his word earns shit anyway.

The problem is he very likely won't answer your questions truthfully. It's absolutely not possible for the wife or ow or anyone else to KNOW they're getting the truth out of a cheater. They tell each person what they want to hear but only they know the real truth of their feelings. Cheaters are practiced liars and can be extremely convincing. That's how they get away with the affair, sometimes for years! Once they've revealed themselves to be a cheat and therefore a liar, you have to accept that's what you'll get going forward or do the sensible thing and end it. That's why so many relationships go on to fail in the few years after cheating as you attempt to stay and make it work but realise you're now stuck with a miserable job for life rather than a happy, stable, loving relationship that you thought you had.

You can decide to stay with him but you can't trust a word he says after what he's done and just know that you won't get the full truth out of him. Maybe some of what he says is true and maybe not but you'll never know and that's what will eat away at you and turn you into an anxious detective for the rest of your life if you stay. You really need to decide if you want to live like that. He'll only admit what he thinks you already know and minimise the rest.

Even if you get to a point of believing what he's said you'll never look at him the same way again or feel the same so you need to really think about what you want for your life and make the best decsion for yourself. Forget what he wants or what he's saying. He's lied, cheated and betrayed you so put yourself and your wants and needs first, not his.

Easier said than done but you are honestly better of not knowing

will it really help you knowing who it was? Where it happened? How many times? Did you enjoy it more with her than me?

i would honestly just leave him asap and not giving him the satisfaction of thinking you care

i do wish you all the best though and hope you get through it the best you can.

Ask to see his phone. You won't get the truth from his mouth and he might have deleted all the messages but you've still got more chance of getting truth from the phone than from him.

Thank you. Yes he does know that I'm aware and has, so far, been remarkably contrite. Will happily go to Counselling; will continue to pay for the kids schooling etc long term, will financially support me.

Be careful! He knows he's in danger of losing everything and it costing him quite a lot of money. This could be a front - you need to protect your future and that of your children.

He can say what he wants right now, but he's a liar and a cheater and not who you thought he was. Never forget that!

I'm not sure whether that is just first blush guilt, but we will find out.

Don't wait to find out what his next move will be and whether it's genuine or not. Don't let him take the lead on this. What do YOU want?

I want to make him squirm, I want to ask all the questions he won't want to answer. I might not get the truth, but he's not getting away without having a few uncomfortable conversations.

I get how you'd want to do this. I feel your anger and your pain and of course you want to make him pay. But do you know? I don't think there's anything he could tell you right now that you've ever really believe and why should you? It will just give you more scenarios in your head to haunt you and most of it will be more lies. What's the point?

Find your anger! He could have put your health, even your life at risk for a tawdry affair! Take charge of your life.

He doesn't deserve to be having any more conversations with you, comfortable or otherwise IMO.

It will happen again.

leave.

any question implies there is an answer he can give that would be sufficient.

he will try to absolve himself.

the more details you have, the more you will ruminate.

Leaving is the best way to make him feel what he has done.

though obviously you stay, he leaves.

I Hear you when you say you want to make him squirm and have to have uncomfortable conversations but adding pain on top of pain rarely leads to healing for any party. Causing him pain will only lead to more of yours. Ad many people have said, you will never get the whole truth only more painful questions.

Decide if you want to take him back or not. If you do then get the therapy together and separately work on your issues and recommit to each other. If you decide to leave as many have said, cut ties and focus on yourself.

Whatever the outcome of this for your marriage, I just want to express my empathy, because there is a clear psychological need for details upon discovery of infidelity. I've been there and I understand. It's a part of a long healing process from this betrayal, and I would go against the grain here and suggest you ask him for all the detail you want, because for a time you WILL obsess over it.
Even though your logical head knows they're liars and that you wont get the truth. Part of betrayal trauma and recovery IS somewhat "torturing yourself" with wanting to know details. But I promise you, from experience, you will also move beyond this bit and your need for the truth from him will be replaced by acceptance that you'll never probably know.

It's easy to say "divorce him", it's not such a linear journey nor a simple thing to process. One step at a time. Do what is right for you at each stage. You'll come out the other side a new version of yourself, healed and stronger.

Really think about what you'd like to achieve from the conversation, as watching him squirm sure great but it can also bring you great pain.

You will only get his "version" of the truth, be that deliberate or accidental. I would want to know why, for how long, who with, is there a risk of STIs, what next for your relationship... I guess it depends how much you can cope with as to what else you ask. Really sorry to hear your news - GL

He's a liar and a cheat and you know he is. What makes you think you're going to get truthful answers if you do ask?