Questions to ask my cheating husband

[Partyintheusa2012]

Hi all,

Found out my husband has been having an affair (which is apparently over....).

Help me out with all the detailed questions you would ask your husband if he had an affair, I want to try to get all the details out in one go, so I know the entire truth (as he tells it anyway).

Strike while iron is hot to settle things before it could turn nasty.

Knowing the ins and outs is just torture for you in the filling run. An affair is an affair what does knowing the nitty gritty achieve? Other then to weaponise the separation?

When he's leaving.

I honestly don't think I'd want to know the details. I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of telling me.

As far as I'd be concerned that's it, he's out. Gone.

Whatever you ask he will minimise and not tell the truth. Or just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. You can't trust him now, or ever again. Sorry I've been where you are. I asked a few questions but didn't really believe the answers. Thought it was finished but it wasn't (or started again). Now happily divorced.

Ask him where and when he met her and then tie it in with where you were and what you were doing. Then make the connection between what he told you he was doing, where he was supposed to be, and what you were doing.

That can be really revealing and very shaming. For example, if you were at work or looking after DC, he might have told you he was at work when he was shagging instead.

If he had used protection, ask him how much he paid for the condoms and where he bought them. Did he use family money to take OW out? Did he go places you and he had been. ETC. Drill down into the real practical stuff which impacts your life.

Shame him, that would be my approach.

couldn't have said it better myself.

get finances sorted. get lawyered up and get checked

who cares what the bastard has to say?

unless you want to work on the marriage.... but that doesn't usually end well except in very special circumstances

yeah ... i don't think knowing all the gory details will help you. sounds like you want to punish him. what's the point of that? if you want to really salvage the relationship take some space and try and process it.

but if you are angry as you have every right to be and hate his guts _ it is unlikely that you will truly love him or trust him again. in either case interrogating him will not help you, he will lie anyway. and if you do end up leaving, creating animosity with him will only ensure things turn nasty. you'll end up cutting off your nose to spite your face

Surely the main question to him is why.

And the main question for you is do you want to save your marriage?

@Partyintheusa2012

In your other post about your suspicions you were really calm about it all.
I am sorry it all came out this way - no matter how much one is ready for something, knowing for sure still hurts.

For starters - take care of yourself. You will be OK. You have a solid financial position and that helps if you decide to separate.
Also - do not feel the need to do anything or act Immediately. It takes time to figure out what you actually want.

In your other posts you said that you actually wouldn't have minded if your H asked for an open marriage. So - clearly there is something going on in your marriage that isn’t working for you two.
He acted on it unilaterally - and it is, of course a shock.

(As an aside - People don’t easily ask for an open marriage, assumption being that women would never agree to it)

It’s up to you what you do from now on. You sound like a person who makes decisions rationally.

So - you could choose to see if you can re-build your marriage with some sort of new boundaries for both of you - once the initial hurt subsides - obviously.
Whatever isn’t working in your relationship can’t be ignored anymore and counselling is the first step in trying to address it.

Or - you could choose to move on and go back to the UK with your kids. Rebuild your life. Hopefully in a controlled manner - so they aren’t affected by sudden move, etc. I’d at least let them finish the school year. Use the time till then to negotiate financial agreement with your H for going forward.

It’s natural to want to know and ask questions in the immediate aftermath. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s how we make sense of what has happened.
It does’t matter what you ask. You don’t need a list. Just ask what you’ll want to know.

Some people break up in this situation. Many people don’t. Have a look at Ester Perell’s webcasts - her years of experience as a couples’ counsellor i think give her a unique perspective on it all

Where do you intend to live now so I can get your belongings moved out?

I doubt she'd get a truthful answer to that because he'll be trying to absolve himself and make himself into some kind of victim while subtly blaming his wife (she's always busy, not enough sex, doesn't show appreciation). He'll blame work pressures (working so hard to support the family). Poor him boo hoo...

The truth might be closer to fancying another woman with opportunity for extra sex and an exciting double-life for as long as he could get away with it.

It depends what your end game is I suppose? Personally I didn't ask my ex husband any questions as I knew all I needed to know. He'd had an affair, disrespected me and our marriage, changed the way I feel about him forever and therefore the marriage was over.

I didn't need to know the sordid details as that would do nothing but hurt me more and I certainly didn't need that.

I can't imagine what questions I might ask if I had intended to stay with him because for the same reason, why torture yourself any more? Will it help your marriage going forward if you know how many times they had sex/in what positions/how long he had been shagging her/what is was about you that drove him to it (which is obviously what it will boil down to)?

No thanks. I didn't want to stick around to be made even more of a fool of and have any remaining self respect drained from me. 6 years later I am happy with another man who can manage to only have sex with me.

Just ask the things you want to know. Then don't believe them. I've been there, you won't get the full truth.

What did it feel like when you put it in?
How was it different to sex with me? Describe the physical differences.
What were you thinking about when you were pumping away?

If it were me I would ask some very imtimate details. I wouldn't want to know the answers but would want to make him squirm.

My ex husband blamed me, made up events that did not happen and conversations we never had.
You won’t get the truth - best thing to do is seek legal advice and show him the door.

I'd ask one him one question.......

"Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Then I'd be seeing a solicitor. From experience forgiveness leads to a green light.

You maybe don't want my perspective but I was the one who had an affair and regretted it deeply. I tried to do everything and anything to help atone. Including telling my ex everything he asked about what happened because all I'd read was it was important to be totally transparent and also the couples counsellor said I should answer all his questions and and be honest after an affair. It ripped him apart and didn't really help either of us healing wise and didn't add any help to the ultimate divorce proceedings.
You can't unhear what he tells you. Just bear that in mind.

What's the purpose, OP? What outcome do you want and what feeling do you want at the end of it?

I agree he's unlikely to be truthful and if he is, it's
likely to be extremely hurtful. How did you find out?

Some of the comments have been very blunt - don’t blame them to be honest as they will be advising you based on their experiences. Do you love him?. Was your relationship healthy ?. Was he your greatest confidant ? These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself. You see, you have more control over this than you think. I agree, asking the questions won’t yield the total truth. He will divulge what he wants you to know. That will be both driven from a conscious and subconscious place. The piece you need to take away from this is that it is not your fault. He will no doubt try to lessen the guilt for him by trying to make it about something you did or didn’t do. guidance tells us that they must divulge everything, show total remorse, be willing to hand over everything and live under complete transparency until you regain trust. Not sure this is ever possible. You are about to go through a period in your life that will be very draining and stressful but it will give you a strength you never knew you had. I hope when you reach that place you’ll realise that you are worth far more than he gave you. You’ll grow beyond anything he could give and you’ll be the one finding someone new who won’t treat your love, commitment and trust like something that can be played with at his convenience. I wish you well

@Partyintheusa2012 as you asked for a list of possible questions, here are some of those possible questions.

Initiation and Timeline:
How did the affair start?
What were the circumstances leading up to it?
Can you provide a timeline of significant events related to the affair?

Emotional State:
What emotions were you experiencing before and during the affair?
Did you feel emotionally unfulfilled in our relationship?

Reasons for the Affair:
What factors or reasons do you believe led to the affair?
Were there specific needs or desires that you felt were unmet in our relationship?

Were there external influences (e.g., stress, work pressure) that contributed to the affair?
Did friends or acquaintances play a role in the affair?

Responsibility:
How do you take responsibility for your actions in the affair?
Do you understand the impact of your choices on me and our relationship?

Comparison:
Did you compare me to the person involved in the affair?
How did you perceive the affair partner in comparison to our relationship?

Ending the Affair:
How and why did the affair end?
What steps have you taken to ensure there is no further contact with the person involved?

Regret and Remorse:
Do you regret the affair? If so, why?

What's the name of your solicitor?

how quickly can you pack and leave?

Who will you be using as your solicitor?

Where shall I send your divoce notifications?

Who, how long, why?

What is there to ask? He cheatied your either put up with it or listen to cliches

Be prepared for “The Script”

Totally this. What else do you need to know, really? You won’t get the truth op, so why go there. He will minimise and lie. Dont waste your time.