He lunged at me

[Gillitweed]

So the other night my husband and I were in bed. He expressed annoyance that I don't discipline my teenage son (not his) to his satisfaction.(low level infractions like raiding biscuit cupboard/talking loud in the evening while gaming etc) I explained I generally don't because DH is always having a go at him- so for balance I don't. DH immediately got defensive, raising his voice to tell me to be quiet, let him speak. I genuinely wasn't talking over him at that point- and I felt really cross in that moment so I did raise my voice then and said hang on, you weren't even talking, I was talking, so I wasn't interrupting you. As I was speaking DH lunged at me- it was a quick movement where he went rigid, tilted his body towards me raised his arms, like he was going to hit me. Like, pretending to go to punch me. I was so taken a back I said what the fuck was that? He replied 'to shut you up'. He was so angry. I asked him what kind of man are you etc etc? Then I laid down and processed what just happened. After about 10 minutes he started to try and cuddle said he was sorry, he'd never hurt me, he's had a terrible headache all day. I haven't said much, I've been thinking about it a lot since.
To be honest, generally he is so grumpy and short tempered but he's never lunged at me before or made me feel uneasy. He moans and crashes around, he's thrown a couple of things in my general direction before but it's all bark. I do feel like I walk on egg shells a lot, I don't have a go back very often because I don't want a bad environment for our children.
I feel quite tearful when I think about this latest incidence. Of course, he didn't hit me or anything, I didn't even flinch when he did it because I was so shocked. It just feels like he crossed a line. He looks different to me now.
I don't want to tell anyone close to me that knows him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice if anyone has any
Thanks

I agree with your gut on this one, OP. It sounds like an escalation of the behaviour you have already seen in him: intolerance, anger and attempting to control you via his mood (and now physically).

I would be looking at him very differently also.

Please be safe.

I agree with the previous poster, do not let things like crashing around and throwing things go, this is the beginning of physical abuse and now he is escalating it. The next thing is he will hit you. He is trying to control you by threatening abuse. Please leave. If he is grumpy and short tempered all of the time it does not sound like he is adding anything positive to your life anyway.

I am sorry you are going through this, sending you a virtual hug

I am really sorry OP this is abuse, he throws things and shouts at you. Now he had actually raised his fist to you, you feel like your on eggshells if I was you I would be making plans to leave or if the home is yours he leaves. You need legal advice and the advice of women’s aid. I know what I’m saying is scary but what he did is abusive. The threat of violence to shut you up and the words and actions afterwards to make him look like an innocent loving partner. I’ve been you please make an exit plan before this horrible man puts his hands on you. Tell someone you trust don’t live in shame you have done nothing wrong. For yourself and your children leave asap.

He sounds like he doesn't like much and or is Jealous of your teenage son? The fact that he always has a go at him and expects you to. You say you are walking on eggshells and he's thrown cups in your direction and is grumpy. What a joy to live with. As for the lunging at you. Very scary. This could be something that could get out of hand and could become physically abusive. You are right to be looking at him differently

He is constantly having a go at your child and now he has effectively lunged all you. Both things would be a hell no. What if he did that to your child? No. I would find a way to get out of this quick, it’s not getting any better.

I'm going to say from my own experience as a lone parent l have yet to meet a man who didn't show any jealousy towards my two teenage sons and my sons have lost their Dad, he died. It's the reason l have stayed on my own and l have zero regrets.

Get rid

You either ask him to leave, or if you're not ready for that, he has to agree to anger management counselling immediately. His behaviour sounds like it is escalating and you are at risk of violence from him. It also sounds like he is unkind to your child. I think that is also an issue. This is awful to have to say, but make contingency plans so you can leave if you decide that is what you need to do be safe.

just reading what you have said, “it’s all bark” however “I don’t have a go back very often”. What you’re describing is him controlling your behaviour with aggression. You change your behaviour to stop him from escalating and to keep yourself and family safe. When you don’t he has escalated into a physical threat and articulated he did that to control your response.

you are right to look at him differently

your children are already living in terrible environment

ger rid

Call Women's Aid and get him out.

Throwing things at you is already abuse, it's already escalating.

Make preparation to leave. You know that throwing things, lunging at you and being aggressive is escalation. He is giving himself permission to do this, and in staying, he will assume your agreement and develop contempt for you if he has not already.

I don't have a go back very often because I don't want a bad environment for our children.

It's already a terrible environment for your children. Your teenage son will feel that you have put your husband before him.

This is usually the pre-lim to him then stepping it up;abit of pushing past you,shoving you,grabbing you and eventually hitting you.

There's also the potential of him being physically abusive to your son too;it's so toxic and emotionally damaging for any child including teenagers to be living with a step parent who clearly dislikes them.

Well aside from the lunge business It's the feeling of walking on eggshells that screams out at me. You know that's a control thing right? Feeling on edge all the time fearing the next outburst? I'm wondering if there's more downsides to this marriage that you'd like to admit?

He is always having a go at your DS.
You walk on eggshells.
He’s grumpy and bad tempered and crashes around in moods.
He’s thrown things at you.
He pretended he was going to hit you to shut you up.
You rarely stand up for yourself to avoid his bad temper?

It’s good that you are now seeing him in a different light. Listen to your gut. Seek advice on how to leave him safely. And you must leave.

💐

I agree, that lunge was him testing the waters to see what you will put up with. Next time, or even the time after that, he’s going to hit you.

How old is your son, OP? And relative to your husband, bigger than him?

Also this is not a matter for anger management. This man can control himself when he sees fit. His calculated lunge should tell you that.

If my partner was always having a go at my child that would be enough for me to end the relationship. Never mind all the other escalating abuse.

he is so grumpy and short tempered ... He moans and crashes around, he's thrown a couple of things in my general direction before but it's all bark. I do feel like I walk on egg shells a lot

These are all massive red flags.

I'd leave him.

A whole box of red flags.

How long were you together when he moved in. Does your DS like sharing his home with him.

Massive red flag is saying he'd never hurt you. You'd never even think of saying that to someone unless you were someone who would potentially hurt someone.
Outrageous flag there

He's a cunt, but you know this don't you.

Get rid, your son will thank you for it.