He lunged at me

[Gillitweed]

So the other night my husband and I were in bed. He expressed annoyance that I don't discipline my teenage son (not his) to his satisfaction.(low level infractions like raiding biscuit cupboard/talking loud in the evening while gaming etc) I explained I generally don't because DH is always having a go at him- so for balance I don't. DH immediately got defensive, raising his voice to tell me to be quiet, let him speak. I genuinely wasn't talking over him at that point- and I felt really cross in that moment so I did raise my voice then and said hang on, you weren't even talking, I was talking, so I wasn't interrupting you. As I was speaking DH lunged at me- it was a quick movement where he went rigid, tilted his body towards me raised his arms, like he was going to hit me. Like, pretending to go to punch me. I was so taken a back I said what the fuck was that? He replied 'to shut you up'. He was so angry. I asked him what kind of man are you etc etc? Then I laid down and processed what just happened. After about 10 minutes he started to try and cuddle said he was sorry, he'd never hurt me, he's had a terrible headache all day. I haven't said much, I've been thinking about it a lot since.
To be honest, generally he is so grumpy and short tempered but he's never lunged at me before or made me feel uneasy. He moans and crashes around, he's thrown a couple of things in my general direction before but it's all bark. I do feel like I walk on egg shells a lot, I don't have a go back very often because I don't want a bad environment for our children.
I feel quite tearful when I think about this latest incidence. Of course, he didn't hit me or anything, I didn't even flinch when he did it because I was so shocked. It just feels like he crossed a line. He looks different to me now.
I don't want to tell anyone close to me that knows him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice if anyone has any
Thanks

This. You act for your child. Your child is in a terrible position here in his own home. Is isnt fair.

and your dh isnt all bark throwing things and making out he will punch you to shut you up. That’s aggression. And it wont stop there.

As others have said, this is escalating and he will continue to ramp up the manipulation and aggression. Please tell your friends and family, but not his friends or mutual friends. Get organised, get your ducks in a row but don’t tell him.

How long have you been with him, OP?

'He looks different to me now'.

Contempt?

If it is - good. Because he's shown himself to only be worthy of contempt - he deliberately tried to frighten, to threaten you with violence to shut you up. His words. A deliberate act of aggression. A deliberate threat of violence, one to go with the actual violence he's already shown in throwing things and the way he abuses your son. He threatened you with violence because you would not be complicit in his abuse of your child.

He will never be the man he once was in your eyes now you've seen his true nature.

The action and words together are a really bad sign. I don't see it getting better, sorry. I've been accused of grumpiness, but hands have only ever gone up to keep an (ex) partner away from me. The hands don't have to land on you to coerce, even hands that do but never likely to hurt can coerce if its a confrontation that you don't want. I could've hit back, and hurt, but that's stupid when you love someone

Of someone threw something at me, in anger, I would be out of that relationship immediately.

You are afraid of him. That's why you rarely have a go back at him. I expect your son is afraid of him too. How much longer are you going to let him bully you to the extent that you're walking on eggshells in your own home?

What he did is classed as an assault if you were in immediate fear of violence. I would have been had that happened to me. It's different to being scared of someone or "knowing" they'd never hit you - all that is irrelevant. You don't have to report him if you don't want, or leave him, but how much will you take before you've had enough? I would try talk to him about all his behaviour toward both you and your son. If he can't handle it, you've got your answer IMO.

It sounds to me that he has been abusive for a while (as you feel you’re walking on eggshells) but his behaviour is escalating from emotional abuse to potentially physical. It also sounds like he has been possibly abusive, or at the very least unkind, to your child. I would be worried that if his behaviour escalates you could both be at risk, especially if your son takes it upon himself to try and protect you. To conclude - run don’t walk. If you’re not there yet or you are hit aren’t sure how to extract yourself you can contact women’s aid or a local domestic abuse charity for support

Ps this picture might help you to consider if he’s been domestically abusive during your relationship

Leave him.

That sounds awful and I wonder about the effect its having on your teenage son for his stepdad to always be having a go at him. Please reflect on why you’ve even allowed that let alone all the other abusive behaviour.

I stayed single after myself and ex broke up when I left him. I never had a man live with us or never would, am peri-meno now and love being single and live a quiet life as could not be arsed with drama. I would never have let a man be always having a go at my son ever as this will have an effect on your son. I was dating someone and he used to try to create drama between my son and I but we have a close bond and that was never going to happen. He is obviously jealous of you and your son's relationship. But I would call him out on it every time he has a go at your son and I would sit your husband down just the two of you and calmly tell him to stop bullying your son and also tell him if he ever throws another thing, or lunges at you he will be out, gone from your lives forever. He has anger issues and he should go to anger management classes. But for me I would have been gone before now re: issues with him always at your son. You need to have your son's back.
I think you should talk to someone on your own, women's aid/refuge, open up to a friend or a family member, whilst you isolate yourself and what is happening you will think it is ok. Only when you take a break from him will you realize how you have been living, walking on eggshells. Life is too short to be living with a bully. Please talk to someone and you will see it is not ok.

Red flags everywhere here as all others have said… please put yourself and your son (plus any other children) first!! I’m sure your teen son’s first instinct would be to protect you if things escalated further which is terrible in itself, but please also consider the risk he has already or could be influenced by this man’s behaviour and might repeat it in his own future relationships. Your son needs to understand this is not acceptable or normal in relationships. Take care and get some support xx

He throws shit in your direction? He’s horrible to your son? You walk on eggshells around him? He’s already gone too far and you should rethink this relationship - the line isn’t physical assault

You and your sons life would be much happier and more peaceful without that piece of shit in it.

To Gossipgurl I love the way you put this sentence and makes so much sense' the line is not physical assault'. Agree with you emotional and abusive behavior harder as you feel like you are slowly going mad and that is why they do it, gaslighting and narcissistic behavior. Please Gillitweed read the comments and take the advise from women who have either experienced this and behavior like his will only excalate.

Woah. Hellllll no. Get him the fuck out.

Threatening movements are GAME OVER.
So is throwing stuff at you FYI so it should never have even got to the point. You have a child to think of, you can't have an aggressive man around them.

Straight to the divorce lawyer with this. I'm horrified that you didn't tell him to leave right then. Can only hope it was just shock and that now you've seen the light and are taking steps to remove him from your lives forever. Maybe get a relative around when you tell him it's over, just to be on the safe side. A man who throws things at you, will also hit you in time.

It goes like this. Nice nasty nice nasty nice nasty nice nasty nice nasty and the ring gets tighter and tighter. Not much nice, mostly nasty, and more physical action when he is nasty.

You will feel more and more confused. Eventually you will do something trifling, and he will hit you. The reason women don't leave because of domestic violence is that their heads have been absolutely scrambled by this process. If you ignore how you feel now, ignore it, then it will go. He is testing you to see if you do on his effective say so. He is not sorry. He is getting ready to do more. If that frightens you it should.

Make a plan to leave while your head is in the right place.

Bin him off. Red flags galore I'm afraid.

When someone shows your who they are believe them! You need to get away from this man

It’s all bark
well youre putting a lot of faith in that if you stick around

hes horrible to your son, tells you to shut up, is generally moody and horrible and you live in your own home walking on egg shells, he throws things at you and now he’s lunged at you. He only showed remorse when it was clear that he’d crossed a line and it was easier to seem sorry and minimise it, than to continue arguing.
he admitted it was a calculated lunge to scare you.

You are in an abusive relationship with a man who bullys your son.

You want to minimise things but this is an awful man who had now threatened you.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

Your poor children.

You all deserve better.

Tell. Tell everyone. It will only get worse. You know this, deep down. Please protect your children and yourself. There is no saving this relationship. I cannot stress this enough. He WANTED to hit you. If you stay, you are permitting this behaviour. What reason has he not to follow through next time??? Think back - the FIRST time he threw something, did he promise never to do it again?

Everything here Op.
You have to leave him. He’s not safe to be around.
I hope you’re ok.