He lunged at me

[Gillitweed]

So the other night my husband and I were in bed. He expressed annoyance that I don't discipline my teenage son (not his) to his satisfaction.(low level infractions like raiding biscuit cupboard/talking loud in the evening while gaming etc) I explained I generally don't because DH is always having a go at him- so for balance I don't. DH immediately got defensive, raising his voice to tell me to be quiet, let him speak. I genuinely wasn't talking over him at that point- and I felt really cross in that moment so I did raise my voice then and said hang on, you weren't even talking, I was talking, so I wasn't interrupting you. As I was speaking DH lunged at me- it was a quick movement where he went rigid, tilted his body towards me raised his arms, like he was going to hit me. Like, pretending to go to punch me. I was so taken a back I said what the fuck was that? He replied 'to shut you up'. He was so angry. I asked him what kind of man are you etc etc? Then I laid down and processed what just happened. After about 10 minutes he started to try and cuddle said he was sorry, he'd never hurt me, he's had a terrible headache all day. I haven't said much, I've been thinking about it a lot since.
To be honest, generally he is so grumpy and short tempered but he's never lunged at me before or made me feel uneasy. He moans and crashes around, he's thrown a couple of things in my general direction before but it's all bark. I do feel like I walk on egg shells a lot, I don't have a go back very often because I don't want a bad environment for our children.
I feel quite tearful when I think about this latest incidence. Of course, he didn't hit me or anything, I didn't even flinch when he did it because I was so shocked. It just feels like he crossed a line. He looks different to me now.
I don't want to tell anyone close to me that knows him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice if anyone has any
Thanks

Nope, fuck that, I would not be waiting around for this behaviour to escalate into physical violence. Sounds like he’s very tightly wound. I would feel scared all the time. Please keep yourself and your child safe.

What if he does the same to your son next time? Or worse?

He’s abusive.

Sorry OP, but this is bad, really bad, and it's time to pack your bags and start your actual life. You deserve it and it will get better, much better, in time.

He's escalating. Walking on eggshells - you are modifying your behaviour so as not to aggravate him. That should tell you that he needs to go. Please don't put yourself or your son through any more abuse from this man.

You are in danger, saying he would never hurt you indicates he has thought about it. It's not such a big step for them from thinking about it to doing it.

Please get some support from your local Women's Aid. They are so helpful and won't judge you. I've been there, life is so much better without all that crap.

Get rid! He is working up to assaulting you and your son.

I generally don't because DH is always having a go at him- so for balance I don't.

he's thrown a couple of things in my general direction before but it's all bark.

You married a bully, he bullies you and your son, and yet you seem surprised he's still a violent, abusive bully. Your poor son.

Get rid of him.

Just wanted to say I was in a very similar sounding marriage. When my ex lunged for the first time it was at my son. He managed to get away but was left very frightened, he told me that he didn't feel safe at home so I left my husband. It was definitely a turning point, prior to that he had acted out a fair bit in similar ways to those you have described but this felt like an escalation and the last straw. It's been a lot of work getting a new life set up but well worth it. The most valuable part is that my son has a safe home and my ex also behaves better around him most of the time because he knows he has an alternative home to go to if he acts up. What really helped me was reading the book by Lundy Bancroft - "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." It helped me to understand that his moods were just a way of getting his own way and controlling things. I wish you luck! Life is much better on the other side.

He is a dangerous and abusive piece of shit who is bullying you and your poor DS.

Contact Women's Aid and get rid of him.

What he did is completely unacceptable!! He tried to scare you because he was angry, what a piece of shit he is.

He wants you to join in with the bullying of your son.
He was angry that you showed resistance to his bullying of your son and wants total control over your actions.
Your son is just doing normal teenage things and nothing wrong and is getting picked apart and yelled and you are are being undermined.
It sound’s totally miserable for you and you’ve got to get away from him.

I've lived like this. It's not normal to walk on egg shells and be afraid to say something and have to make yourself small for fear of setting him off. It's a terrible thing to role model to your children, to teach them to accept and kowtow to that type of behaviour.

The lunging is appalling. Your dh thinks it's ok to attempt to frighten you into not talking. I bet he wouldn't do it to someone who was twice his size but happy to do it to you who he could probably overpower.

What you mention about your son is worrying, your dh should not be disciplining nor should he be dictating how you discipline.

Ever time he takes it a step further it's a test of what your tolerance is . I got shoved, pinched, shouted/swore at, pinned against a wall, knocked over. He even once set my top on fire. I never thought it was dv because he didn't hit me.

The only way to stop this is to leave.

Ignoring what happened in bed, he 'is always having a go' at your son.

I'd leave him for that alone. Seriously. Your son deserves better.

Then he won't let you speak, accuses you of talking over him, makes as if to hit you, tells you how to parent your child.

On all front - leave him. But mostly for your poor son.

I always think once you’re walking in eggshells around a partner, it’s not an equal partnership any more.
Throwing things at you? Lunging at you “ to shut you up”? That’s escalating violence and time to end it. No one should ever live with threats of violence.

@Gillitweed your marriage is already over but you can't see that yet.

He is testing the waters. A smack, slap or punch is next. He knows that he can so he will.

Show him he can't. Make him leave. Using violence as a means to dominate another person is never acceptable. He wouldn't dare do it at work or in public so why does he get to do it at home?

He has been abusive all along with the intimidation making you all walk on eggshells around him but you've not been able to see it.

Stand up for yourself now. Make him leave. Show him there are consequences for such awful behaviour. He will down play it all and make you second guess yourself until the next time.

Don't accept abuse in place of love.

Real love and respect does not look like what you have. Someone who really loves you would never harm you. You know that yet you believe this terrible excuse for a man loves you? He does not.