Can you help me answer these questions about my relationship with DH?

[coffemaker]

Husband and I have been having marriage troubles for most of this year and I'm just trying to work out what's going on from my side and if there's anything more I can do differently to improve things. One of the main aspects is that our sex life has gone downhill and I'm not feeling up for it very often whereas DH wants even more than he ever has.

We've been having marriage counselling and have learnt some stuff but essentially we are still in the same place. The good thing is that we are both keen and committed to make our marriage work and we are both honest with each other.

The negative thing is that things don't seem to be improving and if anything sex life has got worse.

A brief context:
1 DC (3) born in Covid
Traumatic hospital experience alone for me due to Covid
No wider support or family
Had no childcare till DC was 2
So there were a lot of reasons to be knackered!
We went through a resentment phase with a lot of arguments over whose life was harder. We are over that now.

Having said that:
Husband is supportive and contributes to housework etc though I have mental load
He goes away midweek due to work, every few weeks
He does try to encourage me to do more stuff for me and he will offer to take DC for a couple of hours to give me a break
For the past 9 months DC has been in nursery (4days) and me back at work.
We have found a babysitter for a date night once a month.

I've had peri symptoms and been put on HRT which I started 6 weeks ago.

So a lot going on!

But, questions-

• I want to get back on track with DH but I just don't feel like sex. Can I do anything?
• he has tried to touch me - cuddle me, pinch my bum etc and I find myself flinching away. Why am I doing that?
• yes I love him and fancy him. But I don't fancy "it"!
• sex is massively important to him and seems to underpin a lot if how he feels / his overall happiness. If we could improve our sex life I think it would help all round.
• I used to enjoy it.
• I feel a bit self-conscious at the idea of having sex, awkward about being looked at, I feel like there's a part of me protecting myself from being vulnerable - but why? I love this man and he knows all of me. We've been there done that! Why am I being defensive?

If anyone has any armchair insights I'd be grateful. I'm having therapy btw but still not really getting to the bottom of this.

Why not get some sex toys?

Really psych yourself up? Having a child really does put pressure on relationships and I think it is fab that you are having a date night

Do you feel attractive? Have you gained weight?

If you are menopausal weights, clean eating and walking are all natural mood boosters and really help you feel good about yourself

So difficult birth, a husband who 'contributes' to housework and offers to take DC 'for a couple of hours', you have mental load, are working four days per week, he works away. So basically he has a job. You have a job and do everything else too. No wonder you're not responding with wild enthusiasm when he pinches your bum 🙄

The more someone nagged me for sex or went on about it, the less I would want it.

A fair percentage of women wouldn't be particularly turned on by having their bum pinched. It sounds like he's not that good at trying to seduce you.

Not entirely sure sex toys are the answer!

Does he ever touch you without expecting sex as a pay off? This is ab alien concept for some men....

Op I can related massively!! Don't underestimate the effect of the menopause (peri) and do look into testerone. For some reason it's not 'up there' on the list of things when being prescribed medication for hormones etc, but a friend who had a surgical menopause and so probably had more conversations with medical professionals about the effects was talking about and having researched this is a) a common thing, b) down to imbalance of hormones and c) rescuable.

To be fair I do t think he has nagged me. He was very patient with me after the birth and for the first two years. No mention of it even though we had very irregular and purely missionary sex. After two years he spoke to me and said he feels he needs more. He spoke to me honestly and was nervous about it - as in - he wasn't critical of me, but said he needed to open up and be honest.

DC is now 3.5 so I feel like on paper it's the right time to get back on track.

I just don't feel like it.

He doesn't pinch my bum often but he did it as a "cheeky" type thing in the kitchen the other day. Normally he doesn't try anything but I can see he's disappointed that things aren't improving. In my case I feel worse than I did before.

Yes I'm not on testosterone and doc suggested starting with oestrogen / progesterone and then adding testosterone later if no improvement after 3 months.

Christ pinching your wife’s butt is hardly crime of the century when you have been deprived of intimacy for 3 years!

some folk around here live on a different planet

Id recommend just biting the bullet and going for it! You might enjoy it

I feel a bit self-conscious at the idea of having sex, awkward about being looked at, I feel like there's a part of me protecting myself from being vulnerable - but why? I love this man and he knows all of me. We've been there done that! Why am I being defensive?

Are you feeling self-conscious about your post-partum body? It might help if he reassures you, praises your body and shows his appreciation. It certainly helped me feel less self-conscious when I first got together with DP and his continued words of affirmation help me stop fixating on all my wobbly bits.

As PP have said, is he pulling his weight around the house and with childcare? It’s hard to get into the mood when you’re preoccupied with a million things that need to get done.

Assuming he’s doing his part, it might help to ease into things by taking sex off the table completely and just enjoying non-sexual touch for a certain period. For example, hugs, cuddles, maybe massage, but on the understanding that it absolutely will not lead to sex.

When you go on date nights, do you talk about things other than DC and mundane practical stuff? You might need to feel more connected before feeling desire.

It’s the resentment still …I doubt you have got over it - I’m in the thick of the mental load resentment so get that there is an ick factor that takes a while or doesn’t go away

He hasn’t been deprived of intimacy for three years: OP says they’ve had sex, and they’ve had date nights (intimacy being more than sex), it’s just not as much as he wants. Frankly if I had a husband who left all the mental load to me, merely “contributed” to housework and took our shared child for only a couple of hours to give me a break, he’d be getting zero.

my mindset has changed since I learnt about the concept of ‘responsive desire’. People expect that they will feel ‘up for it’ spontaneously but many people will enjoy being intimate but only once it’s started. Obviously not suggesting you do anything you don’t want, but I find starting is the hard bit but I enjoy once it’s started

Take sex off the table and go for kisses, cuddles, hugs etc. Go back to the "courting" days of snogging on the sofa and giggling. It really does help with the desire.

Also make sure the chores/household life is equally divided up. Do you have equal downtime?

Sounds like you have a lot going on and your day to day life isn’t exactly sexy.

Genuine question: do you get drunk on date night?

I completely went off sex after DS and had to get dressed up and drunk on date night to put me in the mood and after a few times I remembered that I like sex…I don’t think I would ever have had sex again without alcohol. ❤️

Yes I have read about that and understand it but at the same time it's hard when you don't want to get started!!

@Bex5490 I don't think getting drunk works - it either makes me sleepy or I'm more likely to argue with DH.

@Alphyn he is reassuring and tells me he fancies me a lot as well as complements all the time.

Something happened in between roughly baby being aged 6 months to now where I stopped feeling trusting and able to be intimate with him. I'm not sure why. In the immediate months after the birth I actually felt closer to him (even though I had body issues after c-section), and I was way more up for trying sex. I don't know if it is still connected with the resentment but once my DC became a toddler I found it incredibly hard work and that's when the resentment and arguments started.

Since then DC is 3.5 and finally getting much easier to manage, plus DH has stepped up a lot round the house thanks to our marriage counselling, and we've been going on dates. So I feel like I should feel better but I just don't.

Thanks OP - this is me too, I just couldn't word it as well as you xx

This. It's not about sex toys. You're still carrying the mental load and you parent solo every week, but he's not reciprocating ("a couple of hours to give me a break" is not the same as him taking his share).

When do you get the opportunity to be you? Not mum, not OH, but you? To be entertained, stimulated, amused? To connect with your body? Might be meeting friends, sitting in peace with a good book, going to an art class, doing a yoga session.

Think about the times you have been in the mood for sex - what was going on then? Eg warm, just had a long bath, relaxed, lots of time cuddling and kissing, flirting and compliments in the days leading up to it - no right or wrong answers. Make a list, show it to him. NB it's not a commitment to have sex every time these things have happened!

I feel your pain OP and I'm following with interest!

. I'm 44 2 kids DS14 and DD4. Have been peri for a few years now and have been on HRT for about 8 months.

I just don't want to have sex. I love my husband and fancy him as I always have, but I'm just not interested in sex. The more I don't want it, the more he does.

We haven't argued, I have explained it's nothing personal. I don't mind if he masturbates or watches porn, but I do feel really guilty about it.

Let me know if you find the answer.

Been there, had the therapy, we’re now in a great place. there were several bits of the jigsaw that have worked together:

First and most shallow, testosterone has been a gamechanger for the physical aspects. Trick seems to be you must be getting enough oestrogen before adding in testosterone. Without testosterone I wouldn’t think of sex from one year to the next. Ovestin cream for vaginal atrophy helped a lot too, I was getting UTIs which are a real passion killer on both sides.

DP explained how he felt about the role of sex in marriage - that it’s what makes being married different from being friends or co parenting. It’s our special thing, our in joke. So it’s really important to him emotionally, as well as nice physically. It’s his Love Language. I get that and can respect it. And he respects that mine is different.

Dh made it clear that me showing him I thought he was special in a sexy way was 90% of the job (random kisses, the odd bit of flirting) I thought I was doing this, but it turned out I was being too subtle/he wasn’t getting the message. So i made it a bit more explicit and added words, and he started ‘listening’ harder, and we found a good middle ground.

Therapy allowed me to exorcise ghosts and bad experiences from the past; to separate previous experiences from my life with DH.

DH has accepted that I will initiate if he gives me space and time. He knows that sex pests don’t get good sex.

DH got his anxiety medication tweaked.

All this took a fair bit of untangling and compromise on both sides. But we wanted to be together and are very happy now.

@coffemaker as many suggested I think it would be good to check hormones. Testosterone has a huge impact in sexual desire even for women.

Alternatively, would you consider an open marriage? It is also unfair and a torture for him not getting enough sex.

Obviously also look at psycological factors and reasons for resentment

There is no WAY an open marriage would ever be helpful!!

You need time and space for just you.

Bossy massage may help kindle a physical connection. Google it. Finding some kind of activity where you can strengthen your relationship (almost like it's a third person) is really important. That actual "third" (kids) can be a huge challenge to any relationship. It's all about finding the counter measure.