Can you help me answer these questions about my relationship with DH?

[coffemaker]

Husband and I have been having marriage troubles for most of this year and I'm just trying to work out what's going on from my side and if there's anything more I can do differently to improve things. One of the main aspects is that our sex life has gone downhill and I'm not feeling up for it very often whereas DH wants even more than he ever has.

We've been having marriage counselling and have learnt some stuff but essentially we are still in the same place. The good thing is that we are both keen and committed to make our marriage work and we are both honest with each other.

The negative thing is that things don't seem to be improving and if anything sex life has got worse.

A brief context:
1 DC (3) born in Covid
Traumatic hospital experience alone for me due to Covid
No wider support or family
Had no childcare till DC was 2
So there were a lot of reasons to be knackered!
We went through a resentment phase with a lot of arguments over whose life was harder. We are over that now.

Having said that:
Husband is supportive and contributes to housework etc though I have mental load
He goes away midweek due to work, every few weeks
He does try to encourage me to do more stuff for me and he will offer to take DC for a couple of hours to give me a break
For the past 9 months DC has been in nursery (4days) and me back at work.
We have found a babysitter for a date night once a month.

I've had peri symptoms and been put on HRT which I started 6 weeks ago.

So a lot going on!

But, questions-

• I want to get back on track with DH but I just don't feel like sex. Can I do anything?
• he has tried to touch me - cuddle me, pinch my bum etc and I find myself flinching away. Why am I doing that?
• yes I love him and fancy him. But I don't fancy "it"!
• sex is massively important to him and seems to underpin a lot if how he feels / his overall happiness. If we could improve our sex life I think it would help all round.
• I used to enjoy it.
• I feel a bit self-conscious at the idea of having sex, awkward about being looked at, I feel like there's a part of me protecting myself from being vulnerable - but why? I love this man and he knows all of me. We've been there done that! Why am I being defensive?

If anyone has any armchair insights I'd be grateful. I'm having therapy btw but still not really getting to the bottom of this.

Hi @coffemaker in my marriage I found that when we went through a spell of not having sex the longer it went on the more I didn’t miss it. Then when we started to again I realised that actually I still really enjoyed it and wanted to have sex more, and the more we did it the more I wanted it! Does that make sense?
buy yourself some nice new clothes that make you feel good, have a date night with a glass or 2 of wine to relax and switch off some inhibitions and go with the flow. Getting the intimacy of your relationship back will hopefully help with the touching and hopefully you’ll start feeling like cuddling and touching him again. Best wishes

It's great that you're motivated to improve things. Have you heard about the concept of Responsive desire vs spontaneous desire? Great article here : Responsive desire - if you're never in the mood, that's normal. I like Dr Whiten (Dr Psych Mom) as she's very realistic about family life with children, and offers practical suggestions rather than woolly ones. Your DH might like to read/listen to things that suggest how he can raise his game. Bum pinching isn't a turn-on for most women, but if he watched some videos on how to give you a really good massage, that would probably be much nicer, wouldn't have to lead to sex, but would increase your connection and make you feel more like it next time - suggest he reads this : https://www.drpsychmom.com/2017/07/04/make-wife-want-sexually-without-chores/

Good luck!

I think that you need to rediscover yourself sounds right. What do you /did you like doing? Do you have any clothes you feel comfortable and a little stylish in?

@Whataretheodds When do you get the opportunity to be you? Not mum, not OH, but you? To be entertained, stimulated, amused? To connect with your body? Might be meeting friends, sitting in peace with a good book, going to an art class, doing a yoga session.

What are the chances he isn't getting time for any of this either. When does any parent get to be the full 'them' in the early childhood years ?

@potatoheads its not a competition.

OP has said that her husband regularly goes away for work several nights at a time, and has offered OP time off. Plus her husband has at least the same sex drive as he had before, so it doesn't sound like he's feeling a deficit in the same way.