Can you help me answer these questions about my relationship with DH?

[coffemaker]

Husband and I have been having marriage troubles for most of this year and I'm just trying to work out what's going on from my side and if there's anything more I can do differently to improve things. One of the main aspects is that our sex life has gone downhill and I'm not feeling up for it very often whereas DH wants even more than he ever has.

We've been having marriage counselling and have learnt some stuff but essentially we are still in the same place. The good thing is that we are both keen and committed to make our marriage work and we are both honest with each other.

The negative thing is that things don't seem to be improving and if anything sex life has got worse.

A brief context:
1 DC (3) born in Covid
Traumatic hospital experience alone for me due to Covid
No wider support or family
Had no childcare till DC was 2
So there were a lot of reasons to be knackered!
We went through a resentment phase with a lot of arguments over whose life was harder. We are over that now.

Having said that:
Husband is supportive and contributes to housework etc though I have mental load
He goes away midweek due to work, every few weeks
He does try to encourage me to do more stuff for me and he will offer to take DC for a couple of hours to give me a break
For the past 9 months DC has been in nursery (4days) and me back at work.
We have found a babysitter for a date night once a month.

I've had peri symptoms and been put on HRT which I started 6 weeks ago.

So a lot going on!

But, questions-

• I want to get back on track with DH but I just don't feel like sex. Can I do anything?
• he has tried to touch me - cuddle me, pinch my bum etc and I find myself flinching away. Why am I doing that?
• yes I love him and fancy him. But I don't fancy "it"!
• sex is massively important to him and seems to underpin a lot if how he feels / his overall happiness. If we could improve our sex life I think it would help all round.
• I used to enjoy it.
• I feel a bit self-conscious at the idea of having sex, awkward about being looked at, I feel like there's a part of me protecting myself from being vulnerable - but why? I love this man and he knows all of me. We've been there done that! Why am I being defensive?

If anyone has any armchair insights I'd be grateful. I'm having therapy btw but still not really getting to the bottom of this.

people do have different levels of sexual desire. the two of you may never match in that regard. it doesn’t mean you don’t care and admire him or love him as a person.
hormonally testosterone may or may not help. i’m not aware of long term use but be aware as peri and meno progresses your desire will wane even more, which is natural as the hormone levels continue to drop.

OP, One thing that stood out for me was that you say in your opening post that you get defensive with your husband to protect yourself from feeling vulnerable. Has something happened to cause this feeling?

Are you subconsciously worried about getting pregnant after a bad experience around the birth/newborn stage?

Many things can lower your libido. This is different from loving your DH and him being attractive to you. Think of it like never being hungry- doesn’t matter what’s on your plate, you just don’t feel like eating.

Things that affect libido in my experience. Birth, breastfeeding, poor sleep, post natal depression, regular depression, PMT, the Menopause and peri menopausal (that’s a big one), and biggest of all I found - antidepressants.

Others are right you need to find a combination of HRT and testosterone (possibly) to get your libido up.

I did try HRT and testosterone but it made no difference to me and made me even more susceptible to migraines.

But I think it’s important for your husband to understand it’s your libido that’s your problem, not your lack of finding him attractive.

Is fear of getting pregnant again after a previous traumatic experience perhaps a factor? I know it was for me. My dh refused to have a vasectomy (fair enough) but there was no way I was going to risk pregnancy.

I wonder when exactly he is expecting sex?
I don’t know about you OP, but when I go to bed Im so tired and overwhelmed I just want to sleep. So if you are similar, that’s the key for the problem.

Agree with this, as have others further up. You can build it up into this massive hurdle / barrier and sometimes it works to just give it a go, and maybe erode the barrier. OP sounds like she basically likes her husband so this is worth a try.

Without wanting to be brutally medical about it - what contraception are you on?

The mini pill killed my libido stone dead. The combined pill isn't much better. Is he considering a vasectomy, or are you potentially having another baby in the future?

I don't like suggesting this really but given that I think you have every chance of making this work - have you tried reading something steamy? That really worked for me at the right time.

Otherwise, if I'm completely honest, I don't think my sex life really recovered properly until I could start having sex whrn ds wasn't in the house. What about taking a morning/day off work each when ds is in nursery and going back to bed?

Sex is necessary for your husband and a natural desire.
Sort out the perimenpause with your gp.
Lack of intimacy can be quite hard to live with for some of us, I have recently walked away.
I don't blame peri. I blame the lack of my needs while going through it.
Your relationship will become resentful.
Your husband is aware of the peri affects and what is going on? So many men are oblivious I feel.

I think a lot of men feel it as a personal rejection rather than seeing it as your libido just not being there. I would feel the same honestly but it does make it more likely to breed resentment.

You say absolutely not to opening up the marriage which is more than reasonable but I think it does put the ball in your court in terms of trying to find a solution.

My first stop would be the doctor to get hormones checked. Then if DH is pulling his weight and you can't actually pin point why you don't want to (pressure, poor technique, depressed etc) then maybe I would try masturbating a little in the shower to get my engine running. Quite often the more you get the more you want so when you get over the initial awkward phase (because it's become this massive deal and no longer feels natural) it might just settle back into being comfortable.

Answering some points made:

I've already seen GP and had hormone checks and been put on HRT - just not testosterone as yet.

No contraception as we are not adverse to having another child although fully assuming it's unlikely due to my age.

It's like he (men?) are just a completely different species. I've shared my mental load, and I even put it all on a massive chalkboard on the fridge (with DH helping writing it all down bless him) but he just doesn't carry it round in his head like I do. He is also so much better at putting his needs first - like if his work is quiet he'll go to the gym or even to the cinema whereas if my work's quiet I think, right what decluttering task can I do, or what rainy day job is there, or what can I make better about my parenting or do for the family (booking days out, batch cook, reorganise toys etc).

with DH helping writing it all down bless him)
he's not another child!! maybe this is why you don't fancy him because you're lumping him in with how you feel about your child. I've never felt the urge to talk about my DP as bless him.

Well maybe your husband feels sexual because he feels like a person other than just a dad. He clearly makes time for himself which, as you’ve said he does half the housework etc, I think is good and healthy.

If you get free time and your first thoughts are reorganising toys and decluttering then maybe you’ve lost a lot of who you were before motherhood - the woman that liked all kinds of things I imagine including sex.

Who was that woman? What was her version of going to the gym/ cinema?

That’s the problem he needs to think what he can do so you can go to a cinema together. You are in completely different modes.
You are functioning in a family/ parenting mode all the time whereas he only if someone’s (you) requested. The problem is that the list of task is finite and only for two of you so if he is not doing them it means they are on you.
Can’t imagine my DH going into cinema on his own without me or DD.

right what decluttering task can I do, or what rainy day job is there, or what can I make better about my parenting or do for the family (booking days out, batch cook, reorganise toys etc).

What would happen if you didn’t do those things? Would it affect daily life, ie the freezer would run out of batches meals, you’d never have family days out? Would DH fill the gaps by suggesting weekend plans and cooking quick dinners, or would you do nothing and rely on oven food?

Maybe you don’t start with sex but with a clear division of tasks so when you have free time your head is clear of random tasks and you don’t worry about the batch cooking because you know that’s DH’s job, for example. And you rediscover who you are outside of your unintended role of “household manager”.

Are you neurodivergent?

Start being a bit more selfish with your free time; I’m not surprised you don’t want sex when you aren’t being supported and have to organise the house on your own - maybe it’s your body’s way of telling you that you’re unhappy or angry - you’re allowed to feel that if you do

There are people I say “bless him” about. Generally cute children and elderly relatives. There are people I want to shag. There are people I want to shag.

There is nobody who is in both groups.

This is why you don’t want to have sex with him - because he is a bit pathetic and you have to mother him. If he steps up then eventually things will improve. (But it’ll take time to change as it sounds like you have been carrying the load for a number of years - it isn’t a case of “he reorganised the toy box without being asked and suddenly you want to rip his clothes off” but if, over a period of months, he becomes an equal partner then you will start seeing him as a sexual partner again.)

I think you're reading a bit too much into an innocuous comment here. I just meant that he was really kind that day, and was clearly baffled by the amount of my mental load but suggested we write it all down, which I thought was kind.

I suspect he was very selfish and you were largely left to carry the whole load.

Any man who is still nipping off to the cinema even now, aware of the issues you had....I can only imagine what he was like a few years ago.

Women MASSIVELY underestimate how quickly resentment kills attraction.

Resentment is usually borne out of seeing someone be really selfish and showing little interest in having your back and sharing the load.

It is a total relationship killer.

IMO it changes how you feel about the person at a fundamental level.

IME it never really is recoverable fully.
For a woman to feel she is drowning and the one person who really should have her back, to NOT row in behind her?...is not something you ever truly forget.

It causes a serious loss of trust.

It doesn't necessarily end marriages, but it certainly changes them.

I have heard many women remark that they certainly looked at their husbands differently having had a few children.

Those men that cherish their wives and really share the load during the early years, I would think have a far healthier sex life during the intervening years.

Well maybe your husband feels sexual because he feels like a person other than just a dad. He clearly makes time for himself which, as you’ve said he does half the housework etc, I think is good and healthy.

If you get free time and your first thoughts are reorganising toys and decluttering then maybe you’ve lost a lot of who you were before motherhood - the woman that liked all kinds of things I imagine including sex.

Yes @Bex5490 this is exactly right.

No

Take time to get back on touch with who you were before DC. I was in mum mode for 2 years, then felt a need to get back in touch with myself. Went from comfy mum clothing to finding my style, listening to new music, going out with friends again. It's good to feel like you wear many hats (lol, I do actually like wearing hats). Sure you're a mum, but so much more. You are a worker, a wife, a friend, maybe a sister/daughter, and you are you most importantly- get back to knowing yourself and doing things for yourself from time to time.
Think about what you liked doing before DC came along, get back to that.
The bum pinching depends on your point of view, it wouldn't be for me any day, but if its something your younger self wouldn't of minded, then he's probably just assuming wrongly it will work now. Just calmly let him know it doesn't work for you.
It's a good start doing date nights, don't do cinema though, can't talk, it's a crap idea for a date.
I'd go with the sex off the table idea, but focus on banter, arm touching, walking arm in arm, holding hands, and just trying to have a laugh with each other. Then, see if testosterone helps. There are many ways to show you love and care other than sex - as long as you still love and care for him.
Also, he has days away on a regular basis, so when he's back, it's his time to step up and look after DC for an evening while you go out with your mates.