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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend goes on holiday with his ex

86 replies

Smileme · 24/10/2023 11:03

My boyfriend has a best friend who is female. They used to date about 15 years ago which lasted around 3 months. They are now just friends( I believe this) but I find it difficult that they go on holiday together. She often stays at weekends and they also meet up at other times which I have got used to but the holidays I find hard. I’ve met her but generally I’m banned if she is around as she doesn’t want me there. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

TemporarilyshyAF · 24/10/2023 11:09

How long have you been together? What are the sleeping arrangements? What does 'im banned as she doesn't want me there' look like?

I would be ok in principle with a short fling not working out, turning into good friends and that including holidays and visits. They've been friends now much longer than they were ever together.

However excluding you is not cool at all. Even if they were only ever friends it wouldn't be nice. Has he ever explained this part?

I think that if you start a serious relationship priorities shift and that person's feelings have to be taken into account. Your partner shouldn't be expected to drop a friend but I would want to know what the above is all about.

That's not to say they should need to include you every time but it doesn't make it sound good as it is. If it's very new I would be considering whether this one is too much fuss.

DressingRoom · 24/10/2023 11:11

Honestly, I wouldn't blame anyone who prioritised friendships over sexual/romantic relationships -- as his own case demonstrates, they're liable to last longer. Have you been with your boyfriend a long time? It sounds as if she's a fixture in his life, and you may not be?

Whataretheodds · 24/10/2023 11:12

I’ve met her but generally I’m banned if she is around as she doesn’t want me there.

NOPE

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/10/2023 11:12

DressingRoom · Today 11:11
**
Honestly, I wouldn't blame anyone who prioritised friendships over sexual/romantic relationships -- as his own case demonstrates, they're liable to last longer. Have you been with your boyfriend a long time? It sounds as if she's a fixture in his life, and you may not be”

What a depressing, pessimistic view of romantic relationships. Sorry that’s been your experience.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 24/10/2023 11:15

generally I’m banned if she is around as she doesn’t want me there

That would be a no from me.

DH is friends with his childhood sweetheart, but whilst she and I aren’t friends who’d organise a night out just the two of us I’m not banned when she’s around.

How long have you and your boyfriend been together? What reason has been given that she doesn’t want you around?

Quitelikeit · 24/10/2023 11:16

This scenario would be completely unacceptable for me.

How dare she be allowed to stipulate that you can’t be present?

Id bet my life that one of them has feelings

lunar1 · 24/10/2023 11:19

Are you allowed to ban her?

TryAgainWithFeeling · 24/10/2023 11:19

I was ok with this until the bit where you’re banned if she’s around. Nope, not acceptable.

Rosiem2808 · 24/10/2023 11:21

OP Chuck him back. Plenty more fish in the sea as they say and probably a whole lot nicer

SamW98 · 24/10/2023 11:21

No I wouldn’t tolerate this. No problem with female friends but this one is crossing the line and she’s calling all the shots.

Its a huge no from me

Tomatoketchupred · 24/10/2023 11:22

Don’t even need to know any details. It’s ridiculous. Run a mile. Run and don’t look back. Just bloody run.

Rachaelrachael · 24/10/2023 11:23

Nope. I'd be out the door.

SayingwhatIreallythink · 24/10/2023 11:23

Tomatoketchupred · 24/10/2023 11:22

Don’t even need to know any details. It’s ridiculous. Run a mile. Run and don’t look back. Just bloody run.

This

JesusHRooseveltChristAgain · 24/10/2023 11:24

Whataretheodds · 24/10/2023 11:12

I’ve met her but generally I’m banned if she is around as she doesn’t want me there.

NOPE

Agree!

I wouldn't necessarily have an issue with them going on hols if they were genuinely just friends.

But this... being banned is not OK, and would worry me more.

Bex5490 · 24/10/2023 11:28

How does he explain that you’re banned? Like what words could he possibly use to ban you that would have you nodding and staying in the relationship? YANBU he is…

sockarefootwear · 24/10/2023 11:37

What has he said about WHY you are 'banned' from being around if she is there? How long have you been together?

If it's a fairly new relationship and actually the friend has just said she'd rather sometimes see him without you there I can understand that- no-one wants to try to catch up with a friend whilst they are all over their new girlfriend. If the pair of them have actually agreed that you should never be around if she is, that's a big red flag. If she's really just a long term friend and neither of them wants anything more than that I would expect both of them to want you and her to get to know each other as people who are both important to him.

Bookworm20 · 24/10/2023 11:38

Well i'm sure their setup was fine when he was single. He does realise he is no longer single, right?
The fact you are essentially banned when she is around is insane.
Have you asked why that is? Because in normal friendships, friends also hang out with their friends partners if the situation arises, and have no issues with it!
I mean even going on holiday still with a female friend, once in a realtionship is a bit weird. I know some people would not have an issue with it, but i'm assuming that would be in situations where they are also on friendly terms with the female friend and not banned when she is staying at his house!

Let him crack on doing what he wants op. I'd find another one who can display some respect for you and not allow his friends to ban you from his home when they are over!

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 24/10/2023 11:40

You’re banned??????

Obviously they are up to no good.

TheShellBeach · 24/10/2023 11:42

I know MN is the place where men's female friends are allowed to be not only tolerated, but encouraged, however I don't think it's healthy in a relationship if one partner goes around with other people and excludes the person they're meant to be in love with

It's disrespectful at best and cheating at worst, and I wouldn't be at all happy about it.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 24/10/2023 11:44

Hard no from me.

DaftQuestionForToday · 24/10/2023 11:49

Ex boyfriend surely?

hes banned you because she doesn't want you there, fuck that

Original poster

Smileme · 24/10/2023 11:50

Been together 18 months. Whenever she has thought I may turn up - she has left up until last weekend when he insisted we meet (I appreciate him doing that) but my understanding is that now we’ve met, she will never want to see me again.
They sleep in seperate rooms - that’s not an issue. They are just friends
banned is - if I turn up at the house he has said he won’t invite me in!

OP posts:

slopsan · 24/10/2023 11:52

Ditch him.

It's fine to be friends, fine to go on holiday. But she is acting like a jealous ex and it is NOT fine for him to go along with that.

Quitelikeit · 24/10/2023 11:53

He is treating you like a fool

Bloom15 · 24/10/2023 11:55

Smileme · 24/10/2023 11:50

I couldn't do this - she obviously wants him all to herself and he is allowing it to happen. I wouldn't stay in this relationship

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