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Original poster

Boyfriend goes on holiday with his ex

86 replies

Smileme · 24/10/2023 11:03

My boyfriend has a best friend who is female. They used to date about 15 years ago which lasted around 3 months. They are now just friends( I believe this) but I find it difficult that they go on holiday together. She often stays at weekends and they also meet up at other times which I have got used to but the holidays I find hard. I’ve met her but generally I’m banned if she is around as she doesn’t want me there. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 24/10/2023 11:57

If my partner had a good friend who refused to be in my compay and he enabled it to the point I wasnt welcome in his home - he would be an ex.

is he allowed to see other friends and family in her presence or does she just want her alone time with him?

if you are the only common denominator in a people ban then what possible rational and reasonable reason is there for her not wanting you around when she’s visting your partner… only one springs to mind. Jealousy.

now why would she be jealous that he’s moved in and is seeing someone and it’s not her… still holding a candle to him is she?

who ended the 3 month relationship?

has he been allowed to introduce her and hang out with other ex girlfriends in her company?

this is a weird controlling unhealthy dynamic and if he can’t see that it isn’t healthy he’s an absolute twerp.

would he allow his parents to make demands like this when he visits? Or make mates? If they turned round and said your girlfriend can’t come round when I’m here - would he accept that from mum/male friends?

Phonedown · 24/10/2023 11:57

Why can't you see for yourself that this is utterly bonkers! It doesn't matter what sex a friend is. If my partner told me that they have banned me from his home when they are present I would tell him to consider me permanently banned.

Bex5490 · 24/10/2023 11:57

Smileme · 24/10/2023 11:50

Been together 18 months. Whenever she has thought I may turn up - she has left up until last weekend when he insisted we meet (I appreciate him doing that) but my understanding is that now we’ve met, she will never want to see me again.
They sleep in seperate rooms - that’s not an issue. They are just friends
banned is - if I turn up at the house he has said he won’t invite me in!

Whaaaaattt?

I’d be questioning why she is so offended by your existence without actually knowing you? Why does she never want to see you again? That is SO weird…

And him not inviting you in…so disrespectful. You do not deserve to be treated like that.

SamW98 · 24/10/2023 11:58

Smileme · 24/10/2023 11:50

Been together 18 months. Whenever she has thought I may turn up - she has left up until last weekend when he insisted we meet (I appreciate him doing that) but my understanding is that now we’ve met, she will never want to see me again.
They sleep in seperate rooms - that’s not an issue. They are just friends
banned is - if I turn up at the house he has said he won’t invite me in!

Why are you tolerating a third party controlling your partner and having so much influence on your relationship?

Surely you already know the answer - he’s mugging you off. Run and don’t look back

PecanPeach · 24/10/2023 11:58

What the hell? You deserve better than that. The holiday isn't really the issue; not inviting you in if she's there certainly is.

TheresaOfAvila · 24/10/2023 12:01

Do you know for yourself that it is a case of she doesn’t want you around or is it that he doesn’t want you around. (For any of a host of reasons)

Susuwatariandkodama · 24/10/2023 12:04

Get rid! He has made it clear her feelings come first and she will always be his first priority. It’s disgraceful that he thinks he can “ban” you, why would you put up with this?

Janieforever · 24/10/2023 12:05

I wouldn’t care about the holidaying etc, but I find the fact she never wants to meet you again very odd and the fact he won’t let you in if you turned up

which either says it’s a him problem or you weren’t very nice when you did meet her.

TheShellBeach · 24/10/2023 12:06

.......banned is - if I turn up at the house he has said he won’t invite me in.

Hmm

Obviously because they're sleeping together.

Come off it, OP. You can do better then this.

Opentooffers · 24/10/2023 12:06

No, absolutely not. Back yourself, he is well out of order to not invite you in because she is there.
A bit sad on her part really, if she has a problem with all his GF's, then that says she hangs around in hope of more one day and getting what she can as a 'friend' meantime. I'll bet she's usually single.
He's keeping her hanging for the ego stroke, he may well like the friendship, but one on one meetings, staying over, noone else allowed, he'll no? How have you put up with this fir 18 months? How often do they see each other?

Pinkdelight3 · 24/10/2023 12:07

I'd be fine with him being genuine friends with an ex but the banning stuff is bizarre. A normal friend wouldn't have those rules. That alone means they're not just friends, even if there's no other funny business going on. She's being weird and territorial about him and he's facilitating it. It's all a bit pathetic and I couldn't be arsed playing along with it. Tell him to grow up or bin him.

Janieforever · 24/10/2023 12:07

TheShellBeach · 24/10/2023 12:06

.......banned is - if I turn up at the house he has said he won’t invite me in.

Hmm

Obviously because they're sleeping together.

Come off it, OP. You can do better then this.

Edited

I really doubt they are sleeping together. They e been mates for 15 years. He is only the ops boyfriend, he doesn’t need to be with her, it’s not a marriage and kids situation.

TolkiensFallow · 24/10/2023 12:13

So the dating didn’t work out but are they Friends With Benefits?

This whole scenario is totally weird, if you guys go the distance she’s either going to have to get to know you or risk losing her friend because this whole “banned” thing can’t co-exist with a relationship.

Farmersswife · 24/10/2023 12:16

This is so bizarre surly is she’s his BFF she would want to be your friend to! Your BF should be prioritising your relationship not his friendship. Going on holiday together one he has a Gf is bizarre is she single?

VeridicalVagabond · 24/10/2023 12:18

My husband has a few close female friends, and my very best friend is a man, so I'm not one of these that is of the view that women and men absolutely cannot have healthy platonic relationships.

HOWEVER. If one of my husband's female friends even tried to ban me from being present when she was, my husband would cut her off and eject her from his life quicker than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite. There is no space in a loving, respectful relationship for that kind of horseshittery.

Absolute respect for any opposite sex friends partner and family is essential for maintaining healthy male/female friendships. Both she and he are showing you and your relationship enormous disrespect with their behaviour.

I'd just ditch him, doesn't seem worth the effort after such a short amount of time. But if you really want to you could give him one chance to put you first and set proper boundaries with this woman. If he refuses, you know where you stand.

Janieforever · 24/10/2023 12:19

Farmersswife · 24/10/2023 12:16

This is so bizarre surly is she’s his BFF she would want to be your friend to! Your BF should be prioritising your relationship not his friendship. Going on holiday together one he has a Gf is bizarre is she single?

I disagree with that and couldn’t be with someone who thinks they should prioritise boyfriends over long standing best friends. Sure if they were married or something, but no way should anyone prioritise a boyfriend over a close long standing friend. Shocked anyone would think that.

Bookworm20 · 24/10/2023 12:27

banned is - if I turn up at the house he has said he won’t invite me in!

WTF?

Next time he turns up at yours tell him he can't come in because you have a friend over. Then shut the door in his face and have done with it all.
What a prick!

Dery · 24/10/2023 12:34

Sorry but if this were just a friendship, there would be no reason for you to be banned. That’s ridiculous.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 24/10/2023 12:34

In banning you she is staking her claim and marking her territory. Whatever the nature of their relationship is, you will always be in competition with her. He is already making it clear who is more important to him and this is unlikely to change. I would be out the door.

AgMaggy · 24/10/2023 12:36

You're being taken for a fool.

yellowsmileyface · 24/10/2023 12:36

No one should tolerate being banned from a partner's house under any circumstances. How utterly disrespectful.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/10/2023 12:37

Ditch him. Not worth the trouble. Any man worth his salt would not ban you from meeting friends whatever sex they are.

Codlingmoths · 24/10/2023 12:40

I don’t compete with other women for my boyfriend, so if he was often unavailable because he was with her we’d be over. He should recognise her behaviour is not ok and ensure he prioritises you just about every time- that’s the consequence of her behaviour here not you being a diva.

2jacqi · 24/10/2023 12:40

why is he not YOUR EX???????

1stTimeMummy2021 · 24/10/2023 12:45

@Smileme I had a boyfriend who had a friendship like this, they were sleeping together my entire relationship, get out before you get any more invested, find a man who puts you first.

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