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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Helping an inept partner improve at housework

85 replies

Tiredandbored · 23/10/2023 22:47

I know there have been lots of threads about inept partners (usually men) who rarely lift a finger to help with housework and the general response is often to question why you married them.

However, can I ask if anyone has successfully found a way to improve this situation? My DH works hard and is good at his job, but when it comes to housework he is pretty useless.

I have tried asking him, telling him, listing everything that needs done for him to choose from, stopping doing some things... He agrees to do more and things improve for a short while, but very quickly it reverts back to the norm again.

Housework just isn't on his radar. It is never a priority for him, he doesn't notice when things need done, he doesn't mind if things are left not done.

I do get resentful, but this is not a LTB situation. Is there any suggestion of practical ways to get him to help more without me having to nag him?

OP posts:
NouveauNom · 23/10/2023 23:03

He doesn't do it because he doesn't think it's his job. He believes it's beneath him.

PussInBin20 · 23/10/2023 23:04

Stop having sex? Other than that, nothing. You said yourself he doesn’t prioritise it so why would he now? I assume you just do it all in the end (so he doesn’t have to change). Stop doing all the things that are for him and maybe he will get the message.

Nn9011 · 23/10/2023 23:05

You need to look up weaponised incompetence, sounds a lot like this.

Lolapusht · 23/10/2023 23:06

Nope.

If he wanted to change he would.

The only thing you can do is change your mindset to something you can tolerate. Either you have to micromanage him or you put up with the mess. He doesn’t need to do anything because either you do it or it doesn’t bother him. There is no impetus for him to improve.

You said he’s improved before but then reverted. That’s as good as it gets.

Sorry x

MsRosley · 23/10/2023 23:11

Nn9011 · 23/10/2023 23:05

You need to look up weaponised incompetence, sounds a lot like this.

Or strategic incompetence.

Original poster
Tiredandbored · 23/10/2023 23:15

I have stopped doing some things that are just for him (such as washing his running kit and vacuuming his home office) but most jobs are things that are for the whole family or just need done in the house.

I agree with everything you have all said, but I am hoping to find a way to improve the situation so it doesn't become even more problematic.

I feel like my only alternatives at the minute are to nag him relentlessly, or to just get on with it all myself. Surely there must be a better way...

OP posts:
Coffee473 · 23/10/2023 23:16

Do you have children with him? If not, think very carefully about whether you want to… being “rubbish” at housework will turn into being “rubbish” at changing nappies, at getting them to bed, at waking up in the night to feed them…

Original poster
Tiredandbored · 23/10/2023 23:19

We have children. They have chores that they do and I make a point of teaching them to pull their weight. I don't want this being perpetuated in the next generation.

OP posts:
Pinkelephant26 · 23/10/2023 23:23

If he’s like my H it’s not that important to him. Simple as that. If it was he’d see it/ do it. He doesn’t care as much as me (about having a clean tidy home). No amount of instruction will help him care.

SkaneTos · 23/10/2023 23:25

How did he manage when he was single?

Original poster
Tiredandbored · 23/10/2023 23:28

SkaneTos · 23/10/2023 23:25

How did he manage when he was single?

He did the bare minimum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandbored · 23/10/2023 23:31

Pinkelephant26 · 23/10/2023 23:23

If he’s like my H it’s not that important to him. Simple as that. If it was he’d see it/ do it. He doesn’t care as much as me (about having a clean tidy home). No amount of instruction will help him care.

Have you just come to a point of reluctantly accepting this @Pinkelephant26? Does it cause resentment?

I am feeling resentful and I don't like it. I feel this way if I'm left to do it all, but I also feel resentful if I don't do it and he doesn't step up.

I don't want to spend my marriage resenting the man I fell in love with 😢

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 23/10/2023 23:35

I left dh because he sort of did this. He would huffily do a ‘big clean’ every three months or so and suggest I was unclean. But the reality is I was keeping our house entry level clean everywhere-he never cleaned any of the three toilets in the fifteen years we were married!

Pinkelephant26 · 23/10/2023 23:36

In my case yes, resentment, and realisation that he doesn’t care enough about me. It’a taken me so long to realise it wasn’t just a training issue. We are cohabiting right now but we are done.

Haggisfish3 · 23/10/2023 23:36

And now I have left, ‘his’ rooms in his house are beautiful-bedroom, en suite and kitchen. Any room that is dc-really quite grubby .

Scissor · 23/10/2023 23:37

Then he can take an extra job to pay for the work to be done that he doesn't want to do
How much would the work you need doing cost?
If he's a bare minimum housework person then that isn't going to change now he has you

WinterDeWinter · 23/10/2023 23:37

Someone said something very insightful on a recent thread which was that, if you fundamentally don’t believe it’s your job to do domestic labour you can happily ignore and not be bothered by mess. If you know you’re the one who does the shitwork, it’s very hard to relax when things are messy or dirty.

i think you need to have a much more brutal conversation with him about what his assumed incapacity means in terms of what he really thinks about you and women more generally, along the lines ‘I know you think you’re a nice guy who cares about equality, but actually you’re not’.

this was the only thing that has really had an impact in my decades-long struggle with dh, because it jeopardised his self-image. To his credit he has finally made changes and now sees it more as a moral issue and a question of integrity. Not everything has changed but it’s much bettter.

Haggisfish3 · 23/10/2023 23:44

Oooh that’s interesting. I genuinely don’t think it’s beneath me. I just honestly don’t notice mess a lot of the time, or I notice it, but it really doesn’t upset me. Once it reaches a certain level, it does bother me and I will tidy it away.

Original poster
Tiredandbored · 23/10/2023 23:44

I think I will need to sit down (again) with him and try to explain how it makes me feel. We've had conversations in the past which usually end with him agreeing to do more, but it doesn't last.

He will do some things half-heartedly, but I get annoyed because it usually just ends up creating more work. For example, if he ever hangs up laundry on the airer it's all rumpled up so it doesn't dry properly.

I ignore stuff that doesn't impact me - e.g. he washed his running kit the other day, but left it in the machine. After a while I dumped it in a wash basket as I had another load to do. It's still lying damp in the wash basket 3 days later!

OP posts:
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 23/10/2023 23:45

Tell him you find it off putting and that you think less of him over it, and less sexually attracted. That you are resentful and it's damaging the relationship.

mrsfollowill · 23/10/2023 23:45

I had a period of time at work where I sat on a bank of desks with 3 blokes- I was the only woman- and we had a very interesting conversation where they all admitted to making half arsed attempts at cleaning/washing etc as they 'knew' the poor woman in their life would get frustrated and deal with it herself.
One of them used to say he 'had' to stay at work late every Friday- it was a 'critical time and he was needed' because he didn't want to be bothered with baths/bedtime for his young children. Oh not one of them could cook either! Unless it was to produce a showy BBQ/massive steak. Couldn't manage pasta for the kids tea.

unsync · 23/10/2023 23:48

If he doesn't do it, do you then do it? If you are picking up his slack, he's not going to bother is he? Just stop doing it. All of it. Does he shop, cook, clear away, do laundry? Or is that all on you too?

Original poster
Tiredandbored · 23/10/2023 23:48

Scissor · 23/10/2023 23:37

Then he can take an extra job to pay for the work to be done that he doesn't want to do
How much would the work you need doing cost?
If he's a bare minimum housework person then that isn't going to change now he has you

This wouldn't bother him as, to his credit, he is generous with money. He would quite happily outsource all chores.

However, the actual work of finding a cleaner, booking them, organising what needs done, ensuring they are paid... That would all land on me or it won't happen.

And I don't see the point in paying for someone to do what we are more than capable of doing ourselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredandbored · 23/10/2023 23:55

unsync · 23/10/2023 23:48

If he doesn't do it, do you then do it? If you are picking up his slack, he's not going to bother is he? Just stop doing it. All of it. Does he shop, cook, clear away, do laundry? Or is that all on you too?

We have kids, so I can't stop doing stuff or it will impact them. I don't do anything that only impacts him, but that is only really cleaning his office and washing his kit.

I do all the meal planning and 90% of the cooking.

He does his fair share with the kids, he also does outdoor/gardening stuff, but almost everything in the house is left to me.

He will help clear dishes and will wipe down the kitchen or give the bathroom a clean occasionally, but only if he senses I'm getting frustrated as his lack of effort.

OP posts:
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