Helping an inept partner improve at housework

[Tiredandbored]

I know there have been lots of threads about inept partners (usually men) who rarely lift a finger to help with housework and the general response is often to question why you married them.

However, can I ask if anyone has successfully found a way to improve this situation? My DH works hard and is good at his job, but when it comes to housework he is pretty useless.

I have tried asking him, telling him, listing everything that needs done for him to choose from, stopping doing some things... He agrees to do more and things improve for a short while, but very quickly it reverts back to the norm again.

Housework just isn't on his radar. It is never a priority for him, he doesn't notice when things need done, he doesn't mind if things are left not done.

I do get resentful, but this is not a LTB situation. Is there any suggestion of practical ways to get him to help more without me having to nag him?

Men don't see what we see even under there noses. My hubby was like that so I just started saying hoovering needs done and offer went or bathroom needs cleaned etc after a year I can honestly say I never have to ask from mopping floors to emptying bins. It worked but took a long time just tell what you need done honestly not all men are bad they just don't see it that's all

Having a penis doesn't negatively affect your eyesight.

And yet @TomatoSandwiches is quite right -- penises are not such giant appendages that they block an eyeline to the washing machine or cooker. How do you account for this strange gendered blindness? Should we be testing baby boys for it at birth, by testing whether their eyes track a duster held up in front of them?

So you do all the cooking and the cleaning?!

Wow.

The reason some men are like this because we let them be.

It's not out job to tell them HOW to step up. To micromanage or beg or create little charts for them as if they are children. He's a grown ass man.

He doesn't do his share in the household? Tell him to leave the household then.

I say this as someone who is messy af. But if I lived with people I'd understand that I don't get to be selfish like that. Because other people share that space.

Who does he think ge is, sorting about like Lord lump whilst you cook and clean for him!?

I'd be furious.

If you must stay with him, have him do the cooking from now on if he cba cleaning. And if he uses tactical incompetence again- get rid.

Seriously.
Because a man who doesn't respect you or the home you have together needs booted firmly out the door. Love means nothing if he doesn't return the sentiment. And right now his actions show he sees you as his mammy and housemaid and nothing else.

Get a cleaner, make him pay for it. That's what I do.

Have you sat down with him to say "here are all the things that need to be done in the house. How are we going to make sure that we they get done, allocated fairly, so we don't end up resenting each other over it?"
And then worked on a list together, and allocations?
If he's forgetful or doesn't notice when things need to be done he can still understand that rhere are certain things that need to be done eg weekly and check them off his list.

See that sounds like fair reasoning but- has HE ever sat down with op said 'hey so i see you are struggling, what can I do to take some of the pressure off? I know I can be a little forgetful sometimes so how about we make a list together'.

Even the chat about managing things has to come from her. And I have a suspicion op probably has had similar chats with him already.

Now I'm not saying we shouldn't have these conversations but I'm pointing out that he's a grown adult and it seems he knows his wife is getting stressed out by his lack of contribution yet he doesn't seem interested in addressing and -following through.

There's a habbit of infantalising men as if they are teenagers that don't think for themselves and need to be coddled.

I actually think it breeds a resentment in them. Because they aren't allowed to become whole. They don't need to take responsibility for anyone but themselves. And how can they respect you for that? Because its essentially taking away their chance to grow.

By allowing them to take the piss and spoon feeding them potential solutions that they know you'll let them just ignore...how could they respect you? And how could they respect themselves? - Because they're still essentially living with their mothers at 40 years old.

Is he the type who if you said “I’m not cooking tonight” he would answer “That’s fine I’ll have a sandwich” because if he is, you are never going to get him to change. Probably saw his mum running around after his dad.

What kind of state did he live in before you married? This will show if he's able to do it or he just doesn't care about mess and would live in filth

So perhaps tell him unless he can think of a better alternative he'll need a chore chart too and have to earn rewards like the kids do

I agree with this first paragraph. When I have a cleaner I feel more relaxed in my home all week, for example if there are a couple of crumbs out or a splodge of shampoo on the bath or a waste paper basket that is getting full... I know that it will all be sorted and reset soon. When I don't have a cleaner, I can't move around my own home without seeing work for myself and I can't relax as easily- I actually relax better at other peoples houses!

Your DH seems to be relaxing as though he's in 'other people's houses' or the knowledge that he has a cleaner

He is obviously very disorganized if he'll let his own belongings rot too- what did he say when he realized? Or did he just rewash and not care?

He need a list really of what to do on each day and a routine of when he will do it (morning, before or after dinner etc)

This is a fair point - he did show you who he was before you married him
So you need to work with that

Having a cleaner saved our marriage from withering away with resentment. He pays for it, and i know that at least one day a week the house is welcoming to come home to and everywhere has been vacuumed/dusted. I've also massively cut back on what I do for DH - I do what keeps me sane, and turn a blind eye just like he does to the rest. It's very liberating. If he doesn't give a shit if the floor is covered in mud from the dogs, why should I?

He won't change because there are no consequences to his behaviour for him and he's perfectly happy with you doing it. So you have three options.

Marriage counselling. This will bring about the final two anyway (because it's highly doubtful he will change permanently).
Leave - but you refuse to do that so...
Acceptance that this is your life until you die or leave. You might need therapy to shove that death thought out of your head but this is it.

Resentment is a big relationship killer.

Thank you for all the messages, a lot to consider and a lot of accuracy in what has been said.

I will say in his defence he works very hard with long hours, he earns enough to allow our family to live comfortably and he is generous. He sees that as being his prime contribution to the family, ensuring we are not in poverty or unable to make ends meet.

The consequence of this is he prioritises work over household chores. He does make time for the family, he does spend time with the kids and has a good relationship with them, but the chores are so far down his list of priorities he rarely reaches that point. He will do essentials when no other option (e.g. if I'm working late he'll fix dinner for the kids, albeit that I've planned the meal and got the groceries in for it) and he'll do some cleaning if I specifically ask (e.g. we have guests coming, can you clean the bathroom please), but he'll never voluntarily lift the vacuum or see that the shower needs cleaned or notice the sitting room needs dusted or realise it's the day to change the bedsheets and strip the bed.

When the kids were small I reduced my working hours significantly and, naturally, this meant I took on the bulk of the household responsibilities. However, I have recently increased my working hours to around 80% of FT work again and this is why I'm feeling the stretch of balancing work with the ongoing demands in the house.

I once read an article saying that single men washed their sheets approximately 4 times a year. The fact is that most of them just don't care about dirt and hygiene.

But since you live together and have certain standards that he has gotten used to, insist on a daily list for the whole family. And include administrative stuff in there as well as shopping. Even if a housekeeper is hired, there is still cooking, admin, yard and child care to divvy up evenly.

I am lucky enough to have a DH with the same energy and standards as me, but we have things that we are better at. The kids are adults now, but I did all the driving around to activities and homework help, he did all the cooking and daily tidying. It has worked for us; you need to find a similar solution.

Yes, I've noticed that when it comes to 'relationship housekeeping', it's always the women who initiate conversations about how things are going, and how things could be improved. So many men seem to regard caretaking anything except their work and their hobbies as something that can be offloaded onto their partner.

This might work a bit. I told my dp recently that I find him sexiest when he's washing up. Since then he's actually done the washing up when he's staying at my place!

He started wiping the loo after use when I finally asked him not to leave pee on it, but he insists I "shamed" him and when I went to stay with him recently he made a point of showing me proudly how he'd cleaned the bathroom for my arrival.

Generally we're both quite messy, but I do insist on hygiene!

He told me the other day that he's concerned about us moving in together because I might slowly take up more and more of his working day insisting on domestic chores. He's an artist, says his mind is on higher things.

I replied that if we move in together he must pay for a cleaner.

I'm beginning to realise as I write this thread that I don't even need him to take on a lot of the work. I don't need a 50/50 split, I don't mind if it's 60/40 or even 70/30. I'm happy to do more because I know it matters more to me, so I'll take more of that load.

I just need him to:
a. Realise, recognise and value how much I do. This is probably more important than anything else. I don't feel like he has a real understanding of the amount of time, effort, energy, organising, planning and thinking that goes on to keep everything ticking over, let alone the physical work I do in cooking, cleaning etc.
b. If he does take responsibility for something, then do it properly and without needing to be reminded.
c. To not be oblivious. Even once a day just LOOK and SEE something that needs done, then do it. Don't ignore it, don't leave it, because that is sending the message that it's beneath him. So, if the laundry basket is getting fuller, stick in a load rather than just add more.

I honestly think if he did these things the resentment would fade and I would feel happier as it would feel more like a team effort, even if I'm still doing the bulk of the work.

Surely this can be achievable... Can't it??

Haha @Hedgehogtunnel I might have to try that!

"DH, did I tell you how hot you look with a duster in your hand??"

"Oooh, is that the limescale remover you're holding.... phwoar!!"

It's interesting. I'm like your husband.

I remember living in house shares with blokes for a few years. Toilets never cleaned, sheets never changed, mouldy cups, mouldy plates, hoovering....once a year, washing picked up of the floor when all other items of clothing had been worn.

I'm far better now but nowhere near where my wife would want me to be.

Interestingly whenever my wife goes away the house becomes a tip in short order (unmade beds, clothes strewn, plates on side and in living room) I tidy before she returns but I honestly think it's my natural state.

Strategic incompetence op

You can’t help somebody improve at something they don’t give a shit about. He clearly doesn’t care about the house or how you feel about it.

id be more bothered that he doesn’t seem to care about how this makes you feel. It’s the lack of consideration and respect that I’d struggle to get passed.

Can you leave?

My wife is like this. Prioritises Netflix over housework and then goes to bed early and leaves the place a tip. I work more hours yet do more of everything, I'm at my wits end.