Helping an inept partner improve at housework

[Tiredandbored]

I know there have been lots of threads about inept partners (usually men) who rarely lift a finger to help with housework and the general response is often to question why you married them.

However, can I ask if anyone has successfully found a way to improve this situation? My DH works hard and is good at his job, but when it comes to housework he is pretty useless.

I have tried asking him, telling him, listing everything that needs done for him to choose from, stopping doing some things... He agrees to do more and things improve for a short while, but very quickly it reverts back to the norm again.

Housework just isn't on his radar. It is never a priority for him, he doesn't notice when things need done, he doesn't mind if things are left not done.

I do get resentful, but this is not a LTB situation. Is there any suggestion of practical ways to get him to help more without me having to nag him?

Two things to do -

Get a cleaner - this is strategic incompetence from him, but you are too far down the road to turn the ship completely, so refusing to get a cleaner because ‘you can do it yourselves’ is just martyrdom, because you know fine well that means you. Just get a fecking cleaner .

Divvy up what’s left into whole areas. He does the laundry, you do the shopping, he does the kids lunchboxes, you do a batch cook at weekends, whatever. Whole areas are much much harder to ignore. If the kids are going to school without lunch (don’t worry they won’t let them starve) then he probably won’t to look like that much of a twat.

One thing not to do

Stop expecting him to be you. He may well appreciate you in many ways, but he doesn’t give a fuck about the fact you run the house. If he doesn’t value it by now he never will. As far as he’s concerned you need to outsource it and stop moaning about it.

Similarly he will never spontaneously see the full laundry basket. He doesn’t care about it - if he even sees it he knows you will sweep in and fix it. The only way to get him to notice it is if the kids are going to school in 3 day old shirts, looking like a borderline social services cases, and he is going to work looking like he’s sleeping in his car.

And finally

You will have to be really tough with him about this. It’s going to be like controlled crying for husbands - you cannot give in. Sorry to say you’ve made a rod for your own back by being far too soft (football kit - what were you thinking?!), so you are doing to have to show him you have teeth.

I am sorry to tell you but this will not change. Your choices are, accepting this and moving on or leaving him.

Well you aren’t, because it sounds like you actually do something in the house.

Lots of people (female as well as male) are fairly feral, but when they have kids to organise and a grown up life that they can’t have overwhelmed by chaos, they get their shit together enough. The OP’s husband hasn’t done this.

OK so in your position, I'd sit him down and say something like 'right so, I'd like you to leave' (shock factor. Now he's definately paying attention and knows you are serious) "Hopefully just for a few days but that'll really be up to you. Go to your mums or a hotel or wherever for a few days. And consider whether you want to come back as a full partner, or not. But if you come back, and I hope you do, because I love you, you need to do so as someone who owns their own behaviour. Who considers and anticipates the needs of others in this household and who does his fair share. Otherwise we'll have to call this relationship a day'.

Time away will give him time to think and hopefully realise how much he values you.
This also leave the ball in his court to step up and choose to come back.

If he throws a tantrum or leaves but then tries to get you to accept him back on HIS terms, then call it a day. Because he's shown you he doesn't respect you.

If he comes back full of promises but doesn't change longterm, again, get rid.

We accept the respect we think we deserve. And if you keep accepting someone taking the piss, that's all you will ever get from them.

And he might not be a bad fella. But he needs a serious wake up call.

He should be fucking ashamed at leaving piss on the toilet.

" higher things " 🙄 never move in with him, never.

I find it easiest if each spouse has their own jobs in the house. E.g. I do laundry and washing up, he does bins and deep cleans (and also works longer hours, so I don't expect 50/50). Now that's not to say I'd be happy with him leaving me a filthy kitchen with heaps of dirty pots all the time, but in general I manage that side of things and he manages his. We pitch in with each other's things, but we don't end up haggling over whose turn it is to do X.

I also suggest a cleaner, or whatever else you want to outsource to give you some time back. If he's prioritising earning money, he could buy his way out of the chores by funding this. I'd be happy with that tbh (assuming money's not tight and if I couldn't maintain my desired standards on my own). I'd rather pick my battles and not always be arguing about the hoovering.

I do hear what you are saying, though, about how it leaves you feeling unappreciated and treated as a drudge. I would honestly say "I get it, you're not going to do the housework. So we need a cleaner else I will go mad."

I don't want to spend my marriage resenting the man I fell in love with 😢
This line really stood out to me and I think you need to be brutally honest with him and tell him this. Make it clear that his behaviour is really disrespectful, to the point that he runs the real risk of it killing the love you have for him. I think the fuck you post its conversation could help reinforce the point too. If it might help, show him this thread so he can see how much it's upsetting you. And that it's not just you who thinks this is not ok!
It must be incredibly frustrating. I'm messy, I leave the washing up for days and I'm not sure when I last hoovered but it's just me in my flat so that doesn't impact on anyone else. If I was living with a partner or a housemate though I'd absolutely do my share as it's about respect for that person and not seeing it as their shit to sort out.

You’re wasting your time OP, he doesn’t do it because he doesn’t want to, he sees it as your job, it’s below him. You married a misogynist who is raising your children to also see women as skivvies. As you have no intention of leaving, you’re better off just accepting it rather than getting annoyed by it.

I honestly don't think this is the case.

Like I said previously, even when living on my own or with other men housework was a rarity for all of us.

I'm a hundred times better than I was when I lived alone, but still far worse than my wife would like. I don't see it as her job at all, but I just don't see it as a priority.

Whenever my wife takes the little one away for a weekend with family (without me) she is meticulous, everything packed night before, nothing forgotten, everything washed and ironed etc.

When I take him; 5 minutes before I pack, chuck stuff in a bag, forget some non essentials, outfits don't necessarily match but all is fine. My wife hates it but she reluctantly accepts we are different in that regard.

Cooking is different.

You'll get lots of good advice here. But he wont listen. So its best to find a way to put up with it, if youre not leaving. Sometimes you have to face reality head-on, and bottom-line things. This is your man. The only change imaginable is that if you stop doing anything for him, he will eventually opt out of the marriage. It doesnt sound as if you'd see that as a 'win'.
Or if he gets sick and needs to depend on you, 'miraculously' he'll be all ears in terms of your wants. Thats about it.