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Original poster

Accused rape

69 replies

Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 19:48

Hi so I’ve been trying to find a platform in order to get some advice. I recently found out that a boy I have being seeing for the past 7 months has been accused of rape, I met him 2 years ago on a night out and we exchanged numbers and we met up a few times but nothing ever came of it. In march this year our paths crossed again and we started meeting up again and we then started to get intimate, I knew about his case when we first met because one of his friends has mentioned it when we were all together and I did question him on it but he said he doesn’t speak about it so I let it go as I had just met the boy and it probably was none of my business, but fast forward to us then being in an intimate relationship for 5 months I brought it up and again he said he didn’t want to talk about it but he will tell me event when he feels he can trust me. Unfortunately he didn’t get the chance to tell me because one of my friends found out and told me, my heart honestly sank. I was with him when I found out and I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how to bring it up to him and I didn’t want him thinking I was snooping. He has never giving me any reason to think he would ever do something like that because he is genuinely a nice person, caring and he was never forceful or anything towards me but I did eventually bring it up and told him I knew what his case was about. I told him I don’t believe he done it and I’m here for him, he told me the story and he told me there was other people present in the room also but he doesn’t think they will give a statement because they had a disagreement one time and no longer have contact with each other. I found out about this in august and his court case is in November but last week he decided that he couldn’t be with me anymore and that he wanted to work on himself and be a better person and to give him 6 months and if our paths cross again then we can give it another go even though there was nothing wrong with the relationship we had as we never had any arguments, we were always happy and he was basically staying with me. Him wanting to end things and work on himself just came totally out of the blue but now it’s got me overthinking and feel like he has ended it because he has a bad feeling about how his case is going to go, my friends didn’t like that I was staying with him and supporting him but I believe innocent until proven guilty but I know in myself if he has lied to me and has done it I’m going to feel awful. As I let this person stay with me, we were together all the time, he was around my family, around my friends and I just don’t know what to do or how to feel if it comes out that he has done it because I genuinely fell in love with this person, cared for this person and defended him whenever anyone would say anything about him.

OP posts:
junbean · 23/10/2023 19:50

Women very rarely falsely accuse. VERY rarely. Almost never.

LifeIsHardAlways · 23/10/2023 19:52

The fact it’s managed to make it to court when a tiny fraction of rape allegations get that far, I’d say you’re well rid of him. They must have significant evidence that he did this or it wouldn’t have got this far in the legal system.

AdamRyan · 23/10/2023 19:53

To be honest that sounds like he wants you out of the way while it's in court and for a while after, so you don't hear the details.
I think you should dump him, or if you can't look into the case more because if its going to court it must be pretty compelling

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 19:55

If its going to court in November, you could wait for the outcome and then decide. cos really, if he is a rapist -you arent gonna want that - and will regret standing by him.

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 19:55

It's very hard to get a rape case to court, so it even getting that far makes it likely it's true.

You can believe in innocent until proven guilty, but that doesn't mean you have to be romantically involved with a potential rapist.

Also, there's no such thing as 'found innocent,' a lot of rapists get away with it in court as it can't be 100% proven, but that doesn't mean they didn't do it.

So I wouldn't get involved even if he gets let off.

kkneat · 23/10/2023 19:57

Surely the witness for his side would be subpoenaed to attend court? It doesn’t sound good op.

UndercoverCop · 23/10/2023 19:59

Do you know how hard it is to get the CPS to prosecute a rape case? The evidence must be really solid. Almost all rape cases never make it to court, this one did, he refused to tell you about it and has now chucked you before court, presumably to stop you sitting in the public gallery and hearing what happened.

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 20:01

If it's next month then it isn't long. You can follow when the case is on by looking on the court's website. http://xhibit.justice.gov.uk/

If you phone the court after the day they'll tell you if anything was decided that day. The case might last a few days, but then they'll be able to tell you if he's been found guilty.

You could even go along and sit in the public gallery if you really want to have an idea of what happened.

XHIBIT: Court list

XHIBIT improves the daily business of every Crown Court in England and Wales by providing hearing information to those who need it within minutes.

http://xhibit.justice.gov.uk

StrawberryWater · 23/10/2023 20:03

I wouldn’t be with him at all.

He’s in the middle of a rape allegation that’s about to go to court (and for it to get that far the evidence has to be pretty damning) and also he didn’t tell you, in fact he refused to. Yeah it’s hard to talk about but you know what? Being truthful, open and honest is a must in a relationship.

Get rid of him.

Catopia · 23/10/2023 20:07

If you really want to know, take time off work and go to the court case and sit in the public gallery. You will then hear all the evidence the jury hears and won't get just his version of the story.

However, if it's got this far bear in mind that it is in the minority of rape allegations - the CPS will have made a decision that there is enough evidence to put this before a jury to decide.

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 20:09

It goes without saying @Jemc8301 but he might've told you a pack of lies about what happened. If he is a rapist then of course he virtually inevitably will have. I would be calling the court next month to find out the verdict if I were you.

I would be interested anyway in your shoes, but also it means that if he does turn up again, you know where you stand.

mynameiscalypso · 23/10/2023 20:11

As someone who went through a very long and traumatic police process lasting over 2 years and still resulting in the CPS not pressing charges, there's no way I be associated with him in any way, shape or form.

Original poster
Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 20:13

Yeh thank you, thank you everyone for their advice. He told me it’s been going on for 2 year because they were trying to find evidence, I have now gotten rid of him so it will just be the case of waiting until his court date.

OP posts:
Marygoesround · 23/10/2023 20:18

You need to work on yourself as a matter of urgency. Do not get involved with another man until have have sought help in terms of boundaries and raising your expectations. Something like the Freedom Programme might be appropriate. I can't help but wonder if you have had an abusive past in that you would not only tolerate, but mourn the end of this relationship. OP, you are blinkered. You must seek help so that you can protect yourself in the future.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2023 20:18

I believe innocent until proven guilty

The vast vast majority of rapists won't ever be found guilty in a Court. They are still rapists. Getting to Court is a huge thing.

Avoid like the plague.

hobbitonthehill · 23/10/2023 20:19

junbean · 23/10/2023 19:50

Women very rarely falsely accuse. VERY rarely. Almost never.

That's where you're very wrong I'm afraid. Happens alot actually

junbean · 23/10/2023 20:20

hobbitonthehill · 23/10/2023 20:19

That's where you're very wrong I'm afraid. Happens alot actually

Show quote history

It's a fact, not an opinion.

AllstarFacilier · 23/10/2023 20:22

I think with him wanting to end things, he’s done you a favour.

ToEachHisOwnFear · 23/10/2023 20:23

You have heard 1 side of the story - his. He withheld information on a very serious offence he has been accused of. Go and watch his trial, hear the evidence and then make your mind up. Criminals lie hence the amount of trials rather than guilty pleas. Yes he might be innocent but you have known the guy less than a year and are blindly believing him because he is nice and he has ditched you as soon as you have discovered the truth that he should have told you. People thought Rolf Harris was lovely .....

Panaa · 23/10/2023 20:23

hobbitonthehill · 23/10/2023 20:19

That's where you're very wrong I'm afraid. Happens alot actually

Show quote history

Statistically it is far, far, far more likely that he raped her than if he was falsely accused.

Also his story is a load of shit, has witnesses who could clear him but he doesn't think they will because they had a disagreement......suuuuure

Knittingflapjack · 23/10/2023 20:23

Only 5% of rape cases result in charges, so CPS must have compelling evidence or it wouldn’t even get to court. 2 years is very normal for any type of case to get to court, especially with the backlog from covid, it certainly doesn’t mean that his case was lacking in evidence.

Alopeciabop · 23/10/2023 20:25

junbean · 23/10/2023 19:50

Women very rarely falsely accuse. VERY rarely. Almost never.

Is this true? I’ve personally know 1 girl (we were teens) and 2 women (as in been in the room and know for a fact they weren’t raped) who have bandied the word rape around because they cheated and didn’t want to be caught.

of course literally every woman I know, myself included, has actually been sexually assaulted and/or raped multiple times so this isn’t some weird defence of male kind. But women do falsely accuse so I wouldn’t automatically dismiss a man outright as being guilty.

BUT as another poster pointed out, it takes A LOT to get to court so that makes it more likely he is guilty. Also he’s almost certainly pushed her away because he knows it isn’t going to go well.

even if he wasn’t guilty, he’s a head fuck who is omitting and lying and refusing to tell op what’s going on. So gross. Best off rid.

starsparkle08 · 23/10/2023 20:26

You’re nuts to want to be with someone whose case is going to court for rape . The amount of evidence needed to actually get rape cases to court is huge .

be very thankful to be away from him

junbean · 23/10/2023 20:27

Alopeciabop · 23/10/2023 20:25

Is this true? I’ve personally know 1 girl (we were teens) and 2 women (as in been in the room and know for a fact they weren’t raped) who have bandied the word rape around because they cheated and didn’t want to be caught.

of course literally every woman I know, myself included, has actually been sexually assaulted and/or raped multiple times so this isn’t some weird defence of male kind. But women do falsely accuse so I wouldn’t automatically dismiss a man outright as being guilty.

BUT as another poster pointed out, it takes A LOT to get to court so that makes it more likely he is guilty. Also he’s almost certainly pushed her away because he knows it isn’t going to go well.

even if he wasn’t guilty, he’s a head fuck who is omitting and lying and refusing to tell op what’s going on. So gross. Best off rid.

Show quote history

As I already stated it's a fact, not an opinion. Your opinion based on your personal experiences has nothing to do with facts.

Original poster
Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 20:28

I appreciate everybody’s response and advice! I feel stupid because I’ve never been in this situation and don’t really know how things work when it comes to cases but seeing everyone’s replies it’s changing my thought on things a lot. I’ll wait till the court date and find out, I’m just going to be so disappointed in myself for being so stupid and being so blindsided and not looking into things far enough. But thank you all again for the advice and information

OP posts: