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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accused rape

69 replies

Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 19:48

Hi so I’ve been trying to find a platform in order to get some advice. I recently found out that a boy I have being seeing for the past 7 months has been accused of rape, I met him 2 years ago on a night out and we exchanged numbers and we met up a few times but nothing ever came of it. In march this year our paths crossed again and we started meeting up again and we then started to get intimate, I knew about his case when we first met because one of his friends has mentioned it when we were all together and I did question him on it but he said he doesn’t speak about it so I let it go as I had just met the boy and it probably was none of my business, but fast forward to us then being in an intimate relationship for 5 months I brought it up and again he said he didn’t want to talk about it but he will tell me event when he feels he can trust me. Unfortunately he didn’t get the chance to tell me because one of my friends found out and told me, my heart honestly sank. I was with him when I found out and I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how to bring it up to him and I didn’t want him thinking I was snooping. He has never giving me any reason to think he would ever do something like that because he is genuinely a nice person, caring and he was never forceful or anything towards me but I did eventually bring it up and told him I knew what his case was about. I told him I don’t believe he done it and I’m here for him, he told me the story and he told me there was other people present in the room also but he doesn’t think they will give a statement because they had a disagreement one time and no longer have contact with each other. I found out about this in august and his court case is in November but last week he decided that he couldn’t be with me anymore and that he wanted to work on himself and be a better person and to give him 6 months and if our paths cross again then we can give it another go even though there was nothing wrong with the relationship we had as we never had any arguments, we were always happy and he was basically staying with me. Him wanting to end things and work on himself just came totally out of the blue but now it’s got me overthinking and feel like he has ended it because he has a bad feeling about how his case is going to go, my friends didn’t like that I was staying with him and supporting him but I believe innocent until proven guilty but I know in myself if he has lied to me and has done it I’m going to feel awful. As I let this person stay with me, we were together all the time, he was around my family, around my friends and I just don’t know what to do or how to feel if it comes out that he has done it because I genuinely fell in love with this person, cared for this person and defended him whenever anyone would say anything about him.

OP posts:

Marygoesround · 23/10/2023 21:02

OP, you're in no way to blame; naive is all and we've all been there. Asking honest advice and taking on board what people are saying makes you a bigger person than most posters on here. Learn from this experience so that you can protect yourself in the future. Mumsnet is a pretty good place to have your eyes opened and to learn to value yourself. As I say, we've all been there and many here would love for others not to repeat our mistakes. Take care

Spirallingdownwards · 23/10/2023 21:07

Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 20:13

Yeh thank you, thank you everyone for their advice. He told me it’s been going on for 2 year because they were trying to find evidence, I have now gotten rid of him so it will just be the case of waiting until his court date.

This is a lie. He is lying to you. There is a court backlog. They are not finding evidence. They had the evidence when they decided to charge him. Don't fall for this BS.

PuzzledMind · 23/10/2023 21:08

This sounds really messy. I would wait for the case to be closed, before getting involved with him again.

I know this is easier said than done as you clearly have strong feelings for him.

Lachimolala · 23/10/2023 21:09

My ex’s girlfriend thinks she’s found the love of her life. Thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread.

He might be to her, doesn’t negate the fact he held me down in a hotel room and raped me while whispering ‘you always like it in the end’ in my ear.

Women rarely ever falsely accuse, and the fact that CPS have brought this to court suggests there’s plenty of irrefutable evidence. Rape cases almost never make it past CPS to get to court.

He’s done it, leave him.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 23/10/2023 21:09

OP, please dont be hard on yourself. If we hear something bad about someone we know, we will usually want to believe our them if they say they did not do it. Rapists are probably not going round treating everyone badly - sure there are a few who are always bad but statistically there must be a lot of rapists who seems quite normal until they rape someone. He did his best to not let you know. His actions once you did are telling. And he may be doing what a lot of guilty people do - wait until the last minute then change their plea to guilty. It seems to be like a game of chicken between the lawyers, to see who is going to drop things first.

Raisinganiguana · 23/10/2023 21:16

He’s finished with you so you don’t get to hear in court the details of how he raped someone. If he gets off then ‘your paths will cross again’. What a repulsive man.

He’s lying about evidence, they need that to charge him, the wait has just been a court backlog. And there were two people in the room but they won’t testify as he fell out with them….was that perhaps because he raped someone.

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 21:23

Even if it took some time (6 months max probably) to gather evidence, that just means the police took it seriously. A lot of rape accusations are marked as 'no crime' by the police unfortunately and maybe the defendant not even interviewed, even when it was rape. I was raped/exploited by 3 different men over the years. The one many years ago they took 6 months to supposedly gather evidence (but probably didn't do much.) The other 2 times were more recent and both were marked as no crime with no interview of the rapist, even though at least one was violent rape. Police aren't supposed to consider whether something will succeed in court, but they do nowadays and that seems to be how they decide whether to bother with something much at all.

Then it would've been, say, 18 months to go to court or something like that.

SunflowersAndSmellyTrainers · 23/10/2023 21:31

Could you put in an application under Claires Law?

Also, you can check court listings under Courtserve.net

Nowherenew · 23/10/2023 21:36

I know of at least 4 men who’ve been falsely accused of rape.
2 of those I actually stopped speaking the women supporting them because I couldn’t believe they would support that.
In all 4 cases there was evidence that it didn’t happen.

So women do lie about being raped.

But this is very rare and even with knowing 4 boys/men who have been falsely accused of rape I’d still not start a relationship with someone accused of it, at least until I knew the full details.

If there were multiple witnesses then he shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
The fact that he doesn’t seem to be pushing the police to question them is odd.

He’d also have to have done something awful to all of them, if they would let him go down for a rape he didn’t commit.

One of the above men accused was between my best friend and my toxic ex.
I hated this man and all of the things he did to me but I still gave a statement going against my best friend and stuck up for my ex because she had told a lie.

There may be one friend who would cover for you.
But I do not believe that everyone in that room would cover for him/let him go down for something he didn’t do.

IsThereABarUpThere · 23/10/2023 21:36

junbean · 23/10/2023 19:50

Women very rarely falsely accuse. VERY rarely. Almost never.

I know two people that have proven false rape allegations.

But besides the point, I wouldn't believe the OPs partner. Not if the people in the room wouldn't do a statement. Fallout or not, no one lets their friends or ex friends go down for rape if they haven't done it.

There's a reason they're not giving a statement OP and that reason may be because of a fallout. A fallout due to his friends finding out he is a rapist.
My brother saw his childhood friend sexually assault a girl. He did a statement in court, and did all he could to support the victim in providing witness statements. All the friends who saw it happen did the same.

Stay away from him OP and make sure your paths don't cross ever again.

JaneyGee · 23/10/2023 21:54

junbean · 23/10/2023 19:50

Women very rarely falsely accuse. VERY rarely. Almost never.

Yes, very true. It is FAR more common for rape victims to say nothing.

Chocolatelover2058 · 23/10/2023 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CombatBarbie · 23/10/2023 22:07

Panaa · 23/10/2023 20:23

Statistically it is far, far, far more likely that he raped her than if he was falsely accused.

Also his story is a load of shit, has witnesses who could clear him but he doesn't think they will because they had a disagreement......suuuuure

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You are aware how gang cultures works right??

randomcharacter757 · 23/10/2023 22:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Panaa · 23/10/2023 22:56

CombatBarbie · 23/10/2023 22:07

You are aware how gang cultures works right??

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Is he in a gang too? 🤔

Panaa · 23/10/2023 23:00

@Nowherenew
What was the evidence in the 4 cases that showed it didn't happen?

Universalsnail · 24/10/2023 18:07

Keep him gone.

He wouldn't tell you what this case was about denying you the right to make an informed decision as to whether to be with him. He should have told you what the case was about and what she said happened and told you what his version of events are.

Most accusations never make court so there must be some weight to it to do so.

Orio2023 · 24/10/2023 18:28

This had made me feel sick.

Pezdeoro41 · 24/10/2023 18:53

hobbitonthehill · 23/10/2023 20:19

That's where you're very wrong I'm afraid. Happens alot actually

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There are actually stats on this. It happens no more than with any other type of crime.

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