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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accused rape

69 replies

Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 19:48

Hi so I’ve been trying to find a platform in order to get some advice. I recently found out that a boy I have being seeing for the past 7 months has been accused of rape, I met him 2 years ago on a night out and we exchanged numbers and we met up a few times but nothing ever came of it. In march this year our paths crossed again and we started meeting up again and we then started to get intimate, I knew about his case when we first met because one of his friends has mentioned it when we were all together and I did question him on it but he said he doesn’t speak about it so I let it go as I had just met the boy and it probably was none of my business, but fast forward to us then being in an intimate relationship for 5 months I brought it up and again he said he didn’t want to talk about it but he will tell me event when he feels he can trust me. Unfortunately he didn’t get the chance to tell me because one of my friends found out and told me, my heart honestly sank. I was with him when I found out and I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know how to bring it up to him and I didn’t want him thinking I was snooping. He has never giving me any reason to think he would ever do something like that because he is genuinely a nice person, caring and he was never forceful or anything towards me but I did eventually bring it up and told him I knew what his case was about. I told him I don’t believe he done it and I’m here for him, he told me the story and he told me there was other people present in the room also but he doesn’t think they will give a statement because they had a disagreement one time and no longer have contact with each other. I found out about this in august and his court case is in November but last week he decided that he couldn’t be with me anymore and that he wanted to work on himself and be a better person and to give him 6 months and if our paths cross again then we can give it another go even though there was nothing wrong with the relationship we had as we never had any arguments, we were always happy and he was basically staying with me. Him wanting to end things and work on himself just came totally out of the blue but now it’s got me overthinking and feel like he has ended it because he has a bad feeling about how his case is going to go, my friends didn’t like that I was staying with him and supporting him but I believe innocent until proven guilty but I know in myself if he has lied to me and has done it I’m going to feel awful. As I let this person stay with me, we were together all the time, he was around my family, around my friends and I just don’t know what to do or how to feel if it comes out that he has done it because I genuinely fell in love with this person, cared for this person and defended him whenever anyone would say anything about him.

OP posts:

CalistoNoSolo · 23/10/2023 20:28

I just can't get beyond the fact that you kept dating a man accused of rape.

Knittingflapjack · 23/10/2023 20:29

hobbitonthehill · 23/10/2023 20:19

That's where you're very wrong I'm afraid. Happens alot actually

Show quote history

False accusations rarely happen, somewhere around 3% of reported rapes are found to be false accusations.

https://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/files/false-allegations-bp-170913-1-1.pdf

ToEachHisOwnFear · 23/10/2023 20:31

@Jemc8301 don't be disappointed in yourself. Our default position is to ignore red flags in people we are connected to. Its easy from an outsider point of view to scream run for the hills but very different to be in the situation. If you can though go and hear some of the evidence as it will drive it home and he can't pull the wool over your eyes after.

Gillypie23 · 23/10/2023 20:33

He has no business starting a relationship with you. Steer until the case is over.

twostraws · 23/10/2023 20:33

Women rarely deliberately date awful men. They typically date men who give the appearance of being charming... until they're not. So, just because a man in a newish relationship has been nice to you doesn't mean he's not deep down horrible. It could just mean you haven't known him long enough.

Whether or not he's guilty, he's understandably going to be wrapped up in this court case for the next little while. I think it makes sense to call time on the relationship and as has been suggested, to sit in on the case at the back, keeping a low profile.

If there's not enough evidence to convict, that doesn't necessarily mean someone is innocent, so it's worth hearing the evidence yourself, so you can make your own mind up.

I'm not saying he's definitely guilty, some women do make things up... but they don't often do that. I'd attend court with an open mind and be prepared to find out he's not the man you think he is.

Make sure you are getting support from your friends. If even one of your close friends tells you to run, run. On the occasions when our creep radar breaks, our friends usually keep theirs working.

Original poster

Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 20:34

I didn’t know this about rape cases, this is why I have came to seek advice and knowing what I know now I would have left him right away. I felt like I couldn’t speak to anyone within regards to the situation because I knew how all my friends felt about him away so I know they would have told me whatever to get me away from him.

OP posts:

StaringAtTheSunset · 23/10/2023 20:34

That's where you're very wrong I'm afraid. Happens alot actually

Bullshit.

I’m sure you can find a dark corner of the internet somewhere where others will agree with you. Doesn’t make it true though.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2023 20:35

@hobbitonthehill even if you believe it happens a lot, which it doesn't, can you acknowledge that men accused of rape actually being rapists is massively more common? Especially those going to Court for it.

It's probably hundreds of times more likely he's guilty.

Astonymission · 23/10/2023 20:37

Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 20:13

Yeh thank you, thank you everyone for their advice. He told me it’s been going on for 2 year because they were trying to find evidence, I have now gotten rid of him so it will just be the case of waiting until his court date.

But you didn’t get rid of him. From your Op it sounds like he got rid of you?

Please consider working on yourself and your self esteem , and question why you were prepared to hang around with a guy like this you’ve just started seeing when he has very serious allegations hanging over him to the point it’s going to court. the fact he had to break up with you is embarrassing tbh as it should’ve been the other way around.

and sometimes, not always, but sometimes you should listen to your friends if they’re all saying the same thing about a partner, unless they’re ones you can’t trust in which case get new friends. It sounds like you stuck your head in the sand, but we live and learn.

Original poster

Jemc8301 · 23/10/2023 20:37

Thank you so much for this reply, as some have made me feel like such a shit person. I would never get myself involved with someone if I knowingly knew they had a rape case or have been convicted of rape in the past. It was 5 months into our relationship I found out so of course I had feelings for him but now it’s ended I feel it’s because he doesn’t want me finding out anything

OP posts:

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 20:38

@Knittingflapjack those stats are 10 years old

I dont think bandying that link around is very helpful myself.

I mean - there must be something more up to date to show this. Im not disagreeing with you at all.

Thesearmsofmine · 23/10/2023 20:39

Ahh OP he has done you a favour here. I would steer clear, even if he is found innocent, he wasn’t open and honest with you so you already know he isn’t someone you can trust.

NOTANUM · 23/10/2023 20:39

Everyone knows someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped but no-one knows a rapist.. It’s a sobering thought. Either all those (mostly) women are lying which is unlikely or no-one ever admits to it which is far more likely.

You’re better off out of this one for now.

KnickersOfDoom · 23/10/2023 20:40

if he’s guilty of rape the chance of a conviction of rape is minimal (1%) so please don’t expect the court case outcome to give you clarity. Women rarely lie in court about being raped.

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 20:41

@Jemc8301 i dont think you should give yourself a hard time. Just get rid of him and keep it that way.

Wouldyouguess · 23/10/2023 20:41

junbean · 23/10/2023 20:27

As I already stated it's a fact, not an opinion. Your opinion based on your personal experiences has nothing to do with facts.

Show quote history

How is this a fact? Just because you stated it it does not make it so, please share some actual sources.

starsparkle08 · 23/10/2023 20:45

Also even if found not guilty in court doesn’t mean he didn’t do it . Rape convictions are very low as usually there are no witnesses so it’s one persons word against another .

my rape case didn’t even meet the threshold to get to court . He’s a free man but still guilty .

I honestly think you’ve had a lucky escape

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2023 20:45

@Wouldyouguess it's googleable in about 20 seconds. It's shouldn't even be a debate on an intelligent, mostly female website. We KNOW false accusations are rare and rapists are common. It's not a 'claim' it's fact. If women have to spend time proving their homework, rather than moving the work of actually preventing rape, we'll never get anywhere.

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 20:46

@Jemc8301 I had to learn the hard way (which was daft of me really) that when it comes to court cases (at least when they're a defendant) people involved may well be lying about them and you can't get on board with believing them at all- it's best to withhold judgement.

I will say though that if you do go to watch the case, you probably won't be able to do so without him spotting you (if that matters.) When I went, admittedly it was only some sort of filing meeting but the room was quite small and there were three people in the public gallery section; me, one friend of one accused, one of the other.

But you can do that if you like or call at the end of each day it's on to find out if a verdict's been reached.

ToEachHisOwnFear · 23/10/2023 20:47

@Jemc8301 you are not a shit person. You are human. People pile on with situations like this as if it is so simple but you had months of this man making you feel safe and loved and its hard to ignore all that in the moment of finding out he is awaiting trial for rape. You have had a lucky escape and now you can see very clearly that you need to protect yourself. Don't let this thread knock you down

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 20:48

PP's are right though that even if he's let off, it doesn't necessarily mean anything and he's still not worth the risk.

Your friends didn't like him; that was another red flag.

Wouldyouguess · 23/10/2023 20:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2023 20:45

Rare still does not mean they don't happen.
I was genuinely curious about the statistics. I quoted a person stating 'What I say is a fact and what you say is an opinion" which is a pretty shitty argument, I have seen people say that about vaccines causing autism and other BS so really a no argument for me.
Is it 1 false accusation per 10000 or 5 out of a 100?

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 20:54

@Wouldyouguess I get where you are coming from - but you know.

The number of false is so tiny versus the true ones!

Are you saying we throw them all out? whats your point exactly?

what is the point you are trying to make here? It all seems like whataboutery to me - which is tiresome to the extreme

Ladyj84 · 23/10/2023 20:57

Are you stupid nice man or whatever how the hell can you say you believe him when there's clearly enough proof to go to court cmon take your blinkers off. This infuriates me I've been in the situation the woman who's been raped and nobody believed oh he's a good guy must be my fault. NO and thank god for cctv because that's how the police were able to charge him. Did I ever imagine it would happen nope did it happen yes and he did 2 years for it and the judge said in closing he had never met such a manipulative,lying man. Funny after the cctv then his friends family all started believing me but to late I cut them off. Women very very rarely say about being raped and good on that other woman for standing up and saying the disgusting, traumatising thing he did. So obvious he's left you so you don't get to hear how bad it was or hear how is did actually happen!!!

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 20:59

But he hasn't banked on you potentially following it up and checking on the case @Jemc8301 ; my 'friend' didn't either :)

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