Mess

[HappyAnonymous]

It’s complicated I will try to make sense….

1. been together a long time have a child and he has children’s from previous relationships. We were happy at first and had a child fast ( I now know it was to control me)
2. has been verbally abusive over the years always calling fat, spotty, cunt, useless etc
3. has cheated on me several times and been on dating sites but makes me feel like I cannot leave
4. I’m paranoid out of my mind I constantly question everything he does- but recently had a really strong feeling something was going on. Twice I have come him from a day out and he has made a huge Sunday roast with one plate left for me he was saying ‘this is the best dinner I’ve ever had it’s well better than yours I got a recipe offline’
5. I have know found out a girl has been coming round to my house when I’m not there and making the big Sunday roast he was trying to get me to eat. This girl is younger than me and has no children. He’s also told me when he told her has cheated on me in the past she said ‘if that was me I would just want you to tell me because then it’s not cheating’ and he’s using this against me like well that’s what other girls would be like and she also had a pregnancy scare.
6. I feel like it’s all my fault I either should have left but I was always so scared. He’s saying it’s my fault he has a high sex drive and I deprive him. I’m scared I’m going to leave and he will hve this girl pregnant straight away which affects my child.

please be kind to m

What advice are you looking for? You obviously shouldn't be together, but you know that.

Let him leave OP. You being single has got to be better than this, he’s a disgusting piece of shit really and he’s abusing you.
Phone woman’s aid for guidance and help, and make a plan to start living your life for you.
You don’t need him, question does he see his other kids? If he doesn’t he may not see yours which means your rid of him for good and can get on with your life.
Im disgusted on your behalf reading that post you’ve just written.

Obviously I know that I’ve tried to leave him many times and he threatens me and does things to make me stay. My problems is how I feel about it all and I was just looking for some support that’s all

You need support for you to leave him that’s the only way this is going to get better

And yes he does see them not as often due to various different situations. I’m worried he will have a child very soon and I can’t seem to not be heartbroken by it for my daughter

He will just repeat the same cycle and move onto someone else, you need to read into trauma bonding and get some help off womans aid.
This isn’t healthy you’re more worried about him getting her pregnant than the stuff he’s done to you the abuse, the cheating, having someone else in your home while your out for the afternoon.
There is steps to take for you to get help should you use it, you can’t stay in this unhealthy dynamic where he’s abusing you like this. What message is this sending to your daughter?
cos I tell you something now she will grow up and find a man just like this and repeat your mistakes because this is the example you’ve shown her.
Just like I did when my mum stayed with my abusive step dad.

He sounds revolting in every way. Please don't stay with him because you're worried he'll then find someone else and get them pregnant thus adversely affecting your child. Your child will be adversely affected growing up with this abusive piece of shit in their home.

He's the cunt, not you.

Do you have parents/siblings/friends that can be a real life support to you?

Yes I just don’t want to tell them what’s actually happened I feel like it’s my fault. And he hasn’t stopped telling me that this girl can cook everything and I need to learn how to cook!?
I was adamant on leaving him before this and now I feel like shit

Why are you bothered if he has a child with her? Get rid of him and concentrate on your child

This is your way out OP, he’s got his sights on someone else as bad as this sounds, go and don’t look back, never mind the cooking.
The first time you seek support will be the moment that will change things for the better because you’re saying it out loud and you’re shining a light on this behaviour instead of avoiding it. Abuse thrives on secrecy. Do it for your little girl

Thank you xxx

@amiold because it effects my child and it’s confusing. I shield her from everything else and that’s something I can’t

What are the threats that make you stay?

Affects her how? What would you want to shield her from, another sibling?

@amiold why are you here if your just being argumentative I just want support to help me

Would it help if you started thinking about the truly horrific environment that this must be for your child and if you don’t leave, sharpish, you will no doubt do irreparably harm to him:her?

I’m worried he will have a child very soon

And he hasn’t stopped telling me that this girl can cook everything and I need to learn how to cook!?
I was adamant on leaving him before this and now I feel like shit

This is the crux of it. You are trying to minimise future damage by staying with him.

You can't.

And some of the stuff that feels very important to you right now won't even matter when you're not together anymore.

@GreyCarpet things like no one will wanna be with you, you will just get passed about, you will have fuck all il make sure of it. In the past he’s been violent

You were a dame t about leaving him

and now you know he’s cheating on you yet again… you suddenly fancy staying?

I can’t quite get my head around that op

I don't think this poster is being argumentative - just trying to understand and also help you process what it is you're actually scared of.

Sometimes holding a mirror up can help people to see things differently.

I think it’s because I’m being compared to someone else and it made me doubt myself. I don’t know I honestly can’t explain it I’m really scared of what’s going to happen

@HappyAnonymous they all say that it’s a way to control you, call womans aid there’s orders you can have put in place so he can’t contact you
there’s help out there please go and get it
I know it’s scary but you can’t stay with him

Quit navel gazing about it

and start thinking about the shit show of a childhood your child is having

And it’s not to keep her from a sibling. I think it’s control I don’t want her to have a baby sibling so fast before she even knows her dad partner and feels comfortable. I don’t know

OP, it's not easy to leave. I have just done it so I know. I got help from women's aid, my GP and a counsellor. Good luck - leaving is hard but it will change your life for the better. Incidentally, as a domestic abuse victim, you can register yourself as homeless with your local council and they are legally obliged to help you find a a new place to live (not necessarily council) within 8 weeks. I have to say though my local Tory council were no help at all. I managed to find somewhere by myself.

OK. Well.

1. it doesn't matter whether anyone else would want to be with you right now, does it? Is he really better than nothing?

2. you will get passed about? Those are just words to hurt you. They have no basis in reality. And, again, is he really any better?

3. how will he make sure you have fuck all? What's he going to do? He doesn't have control over the outside world or (in reality) you or what happens to you once he's put of your life.

4. if he's been violent, you need to involve the police.