Mum cut DS's hair without asking, endangered him in the car and more - how do I deal with this?

[bohemianbint]

Generally get no help with DS from parents so asked this morning if the could watch him for a bit as me and DP badly in need of an hour out together. They agreed to take him for the morning and had also offered to buy him some shoes. I appreciated both these things greatly, and asked that he be brought back at 12.30pm, 12.45 at the latest after his lunch as he normally has a couple of hours sleep then.

So 1pm and he isn't back. I call and apparently he's still eating and won't stop and they'll bring him back when he's done. He finally comes back at 2pm, with new shoes - AND a f@#king haircut!! I was really upset about this; I know it's hardly life or death but it was our decision to make. We had been discussing taking him for a haircut but I wanted to keep it slightly longer, not a short back and sides, but my mum's cut it herself.

The life or death stuff comes here - DP asked if he could get the car seat out of my mum's car for her, and she made some flippant remark about how she doesn't know how to put it in properly, let alone get it out. WHen he went to get it it was fastened in wrong and really loose, and he's obviously done about 3 trips in it like that. We've shown them several times how to do it but they always just brush us off and say it's under control. Then to really top things off DS didn't sleep properly as it was too late and has been up all night throwing up, probably due to being stuffed to within an inch of his life. I've asked them repeatedly not to feed him off a spoon, just to give him the food and let him do it himself but my mum insists on trying to do so. (But tells me about it after the event, if I saw her I would stop her.)

I just don't get why they disregard everything we say and do whatever they want, and are so blase about things that are actually really important. I feel totally disrespected and annoyed that I'm going to have to expend energy having this out with them tomorrow. But how do I get through to them and how do I deal with it, when they won't listen to me?

I think that you have to deal with the most important issues first.

Car seat. Either they learn how to put it in or you do it for them. If they do not agree to this then they do not get to take him in the car.

Food. This is another one that they have to adhere to your wishes, especially if it means the poor soul is throwing up half the night.

Haircut/Time that they brought him back. Ok, that would also piss me off but I would concentrate on the safety/health problems first.

How old is he?

Cheers Kinder. He's nearly 19 months. And you're right, it is the car seat that is the big issue, that and the totally flippant "yeah whatever" attitude to it all.

I would try to sort essentials from non-essentials here. The car seat is an essential; if they can't do this properly, then you must make it clear that he can't go in their car again. Simple as that.

The haircut is annoying and I would certainly let them know that you don't like having things like this done behind your back.

Having his sleeping routine upset for one day, in return for being baby-sat and leaving you and dh free, seems pretty small stuff to me. If somebody was kind enough to offer to take dc's off my hand, I wouldn't feel I could dictate to them within half an hour when he had to be back, unless I was going off somewhere directly afterwards. And IME it is much better for children to learn to be flexible, means they don't miss out on the fun stuff.

I really wonder if being overfed at lunchtime would make your ds throw up all night- don't you think that's more likely to be a mild tummy bug?

I remember one of the first threads I ever read on MN was about someone whose mother had brought her ds back after a trip out with a radical haircut. It was amazing to me that anyone could think that was acceptable - clearly that lady was not the only one..

The carseat is the big one but I'd agree the attitude is bad news. I don't care if they don't care IYSWIM - they should at least be able to fake caring in order to back you up.

i'd go Farking Mental at both, tbh.

I did, and still do sometimes, have problems getting my parents to stick to our routine. They felt that it was not a big problem if the DCs were a bit later than normal in getting to bed.

I used to annoy me, now I try to chill about it. As Cory said, the fact that they do htings differently is the price I pay for having a day off with DH.

I my experience you have to be very firm, and direct, which is a difficult where parents are concerned. Probably for the first time YOU are in control, not your parents.

I have had to be very blunt with my mother, to the point of rudeness, or it just doesn't sink in,especially where car seats and bike helmets are concerned.

Cory - they said they could only look after him in the morning, they could have had him all day for me, and we did appreciate the help. But we were left with a tired, bad tempered and sick child with a hair cut!

I am actually wondering if them looking after him is worth the bother. Last week we went to my parent's for lunch on Mother's Day and by the time we left my mum was pissed and trying to spray Febreze on his skin. I told her to stop it but if she does stuff like that when I'm there what the hell goes on when I'm not?

Plus I was force fed meat by her as a child and the whole feeding thing has brought back a lot of issues for me TBH. I will not have my son treated in the same way. ( I can't imagine it would be as bad but the sight of a spoon being pushed into his face makes me furious.)

ANd re the routine thing, it makes no sense. THey bollocked on and on before and just after he was born about the importance of a routine. Now they just disregard it and do whatever they like. Surely dropping your child home 1.5 hours late without even calling is not on, whoever they are and however much they might be helping?

well, i don't care so much about lateness tbh, it's not something we bother about in our family.

what are you goiing to do, though? do you trust them to look after him? that's the bottom line.

I dunno. Not as it stands, no.

I just don't feel like anything I say is respected, they still think it's the 1970's, kids don't really need car seats and they know best. THey make me feel about 12.

I really don't know how to handle it, I don't want trouble but I'm so about the whole thing and I can't just leave it.

You are right actually, 1.5 hours later than arranged is not acceptable.

It seems to me that you still have issues about your parents. If you feel that way, then it might be better for you not to allow your parents to have your DS.

It does you no good if you are worried about how your DS is all the time.

Fwiw, I sometimes moan about my parents, but they would never have our DCs hair cut without our permission and they do adhere to our wishes most of the time.

BohemianBint

I think you need to look at your relationship with your family. A few weeks ago you were complaining that you felt you were getting no support, now you are getting too much of the wrong sort, there must be a middle ground ??

I see that there are more issues here than I realise, and probably a lot of bad memories brought up for you.

Personally, I never experienced a situation where my children were so stuck to a routine that diverging from it would make them ill, so that's probably a bit hard for me to understand. Partly, because they spent part of the week with a childminder (who had to fit her routine round other children), partly because we spent our summers living in a small house (tiny cooker with 2 rings) with my parents, who were also hosting my 3 brothers+ children of various ages- so mealtimes etc all had to be coordinated. Because this was a positive experience for me, it never bothered me if dc's occasionally got a bit bad tempered- and they have grown up very adaptable, which I see as a great bonus. But since your day was basically a negative experience, for obvious reasons, you're bound to feel different about it.

Anyway, I would have been very cross, if my parents had turned up 1.5 hours late without letting me know- how were you to know they hadn't had an accident? Absolutely unacceptable! And car seat laxity is totally unacceptable. I'd be livid!

He's not so stuck to a routine that it's made him ill FGS - he does have a routine but it is very flexible. I expect it was the being fed ridiculous amounts of food that's made him ill. He doesn't need to be in bed at precisely 12.45pm, but he does need not to be brought back an hour and a half late without notice!

Bree - you're right. I thought after 5 months of absolutely no involvement I would bite the bullet and ask for help. And this is what happens.

I've just lost literally half a night's sleep stressing about how to deal with this. It wasn't really worth the time off - but it does leave us with pretty much no one to help us. I just don't know what to do.

Sympathies, bohemianbint, your mother sounds like an amalgamation of both my mother and my mil! My mother, like yours, is a 1970s mum whose answer to everything is "well, it never did you any harm" - which drives me up the wall!
My mil does the completely disregarding of everything we say. If we say the dses need to be back in time for their naps, they will inevitably show up long past that time (I remember one time in particular when they were 3 and a half hours late!), having fed them God knows all what, leaving us with overtired, strung out, high on E-numbers boys. It used to send me into paroxysms, so much so that I didn't want them to look after ds1 and worried the whole time he was away. But now I have 2 boys, I don't care what they feed them, or what time they bring them back, I'm just grateful for a little bit of uninterrupted time where I can get housework done, have a shower, drink a cup of tea - y'know, the things I don't get to do normally.
If you want them to help out, you have to accept that they are the sort of people who won't do what you say. Up to a point you have to accept that and just try not to let it irritate you. Important stuff, like the car seat, you can't ignore and someone has suggested that a condition of them having ds is that you check the car seat each time yourself. Him missing his nap once, he can live with.

Sorry, that sounds really pompous...I just meant to sympathise

I would be very annoyed about this. I had safety issues with my inlaws - and it is very hard to tackle as dh is not strong enough to stand up to his family, and it was me facing the battle alone.

I would make my feeling very clear - tell them you cannot let them take him out in the car again, and that it was very rude of them to cut his hair.

well I wouldn't let them look after him without you there, no
I understand you need support but you need to look elsewhere for childcare I think
ds can still have time with them, but with you are dp around only

you OR dp

I suppose the timing ratehr depends on what sort of people they are. You may have said 12.45 but if they always run late or are quite lax about timekeeping then you should expect it , annoying though it may be. The car seat would be far more of an issue. If they can't/won't fix it properly they can't take him out , simple as that. Trouble is they may then just take him anyway, seat or not, and hope you don't find out. Food I suspect is a coincidence with him being sick, you could have had him brought home for lunch if you were that worried. Hair , well if you trust them enough to buy his shoes maybe she felt you'd do so on his hair , your personal decison though it should be. At least she didn't get his ear pierced !

You obviously feel you cannot trust them to act appropriately or in accordance with your wishes so you may have to forgo their "help" even occasionally and restrict your visits to accompanying your ds.

I think you need to face the fact they are not suitable baby sitters for your child. Find someone else. It's not worth the hassle.

Find different childcare, this is always going to be more grief than joy.

If they only see ds with you there then you can all be happy.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm so tired and annoyed that I've started to get all confused and wonder whether it's just me being silly, but especially re the car seat it isn't.

I think the food thing probably was a coincidence as he's been sick again this morning. But on the whole, it looks like yes, they probably are not to be trusted. (To be fair, it's mainly my mum, I don't know how involved my dad gets.) It's a nightmare though as DC2 is due in August and I don't know who we'll get to look after DS whilst I'm in labour now.

I'm not going to address the other things until they come up - but I'm within my rights to say I'm upset about the hair? She probably thought she was doing us a favour but it's just so typical of her not to ring and check, she just blasts through doing her own thing and if I have a problem with it I'm being "over-sensitive/soft/paranoid/stupid new age mother."

Should also point out that my mum isn't a hairdresser and DS now looks like an orphan.