Mum cut DS's hair without asking, endangered him in the car and more - how do I deal with this?

[bohemianbint]

Generally get no help with DS from parents so asked this morning if the could watch him for a bit as me and DP badly in need of an hour out together. They agreed to take him for the morning and had also offered to buy him some shoes. I appreciated both these things greatly, and asked that he be brought back at 12.30pm, 12.45 at the latest after his lunch as he normally has a couple of hours sleep then.

So 1pm and he isn't back. I call and apparently he's still eating and won't stop and they'll bring him back when he's done. He finally comes back at 2pm, with new shoes - AND a f@#king haircut!! I was really upset about this; I know it's hardly life or death but it was our decision to make. We had been discussing taking him for a haircut but I wanted to keep it slightly longer, not a short back and sides, but my mum's cut it herself.

The life or death stuff comes here - DP asked if he could get the car seat out of my mum's car for her, and she made some flippant remark about how she doesn't know how to put it in properly, let alone get it out. WHen he went to get it it was fastened in wrong and really loose, and he's obviously done about 3 trips in it like that. We've shown them several times how to do it but they always just brush us off and say it's under control. Then to really top things off DS didn't sleep properly as it was too late and has been up all night throwing up, probably due to being stuffed to within an inch of his life. I've asked them repeatedly not to feed him off a spoon, just to give him the food and let him do it himself but my mum insists on trying to do so. (But tells me about it after the event, if I saw her I would stop her.)

I just don't get why they disregard everything we say and do whatever they want, and are so blase about things that are actually really important. I feel totally disrespected and annoyed that I'm going to have to expend energy having this out with them tomorrow. But how do I get through to them and how do I deal with it, when they won't listen to me?

bohemianbint I would be furious by all of these things. Obviously the car seat most of all but how dare she give him a hair cut without your say so. You are totally within your rights to be upset about it. It doesnt sound like a favour to me it sounds like control. If my Mum or inlaws did this I would go nuts and so would DH. She crossed a line. It doesnt matter what they think about your parenting they just have to respect your wishes.

I know its hard when you have no other childcare - I am in the same boat. My MIL didnt seem to understand that children need to eat regular meals and would just chuck junk at him all day long. She brought him back one time and it was 14.00 pm, I asked if he had had any lunch "No, didnt have time before we set out" she replied, "Well what did he have for breakfast" - "Nothing, he wasnt hungry." So my DS had not eaten for nearly 24 hours and she could not see why that was a problem.

I would be fuming!

For me the big issue is the car seat and I agree with, if they are having him again, that you install it yourself each time.

The haircut would irritate but in the grand scheme of things not that important. They see him as their grandchild, an extension of their child, so feel allowed to make these kinds of decisions. In different cultures and in a different time this would be the norm. She thought she was being helpful. So I wouldn't make an issue of it tbh.

The food is a bit of a misdirection ... nobody can feed a child of 19 months food it doesn't want, ever. I'm sorry he's sick but am fairly sure if he hasn't been fed sweets and crap all day it's divorced from the food issue.

And the routine is just something it's not worth getting riled about.

One has to accept if other people are looking after one's children they will do it their way and not your way. you have to accept that with everyone, not just family ... friends would do it their way too (although they wouldn't cut their hair)

focus on the car seat that's enough to be riled about

Good - thanks! But what do I say, what is the best way to handle it?

This is not on. Especially the safety issue.

I am not sure how much overfeeding at lunch time would make him throw up in the night, but of course that depends on what she fed him... If his lunch consisted of 1kg chocolate buttons, then yes.

However, I feel that with family, you just cant rely on them for childcare. I think you need to look for other arrangements.

Firmly without getting heated. Tell her in detail what could happen to your DS if he is not safely strapped in and how would she feel if she was the one responsible? Dont let her side track just keep reiterating the point. Listen to what she says and say "OK I hear you, BUT I still want you to ensure the car seat is fitted correctly". Keep saying it.

As for hair - if you dont say something she may feel entitled to cut it every time she feels he needs it. Its true in other cultures that this would be acceptable but it is what is acceptable for you isnt it? and if it pisses you off then you should say something. How much more annoyed are you going to be when it happens again and again?

would not let them take him out in the car again, full stop

would probably not let them take him out again, actually.

I'd pay for a babysitter tbh.

No, I wouldn't really mention the hair. if you go on about too much, she won't focus on the most important thing which is the car seat. Speak slowly and clearly to her about that and just insist. Twig's right in that you have to accept that other people do things differently. Put the hair and the other stuff on the back burner for the moment.

You could approach it from the legal angle, it is illegal to drive without the child properly fastened, and they could face some pretty hefty fines. In addition, the traffic was not as busy when you were a child in the seventies sitting unstrapped in the back.

I would also focus on the car seat. The haircut was a nice gesture, ill adviced, but a nice gesture, she thought she was helping.

We have had similar issues over car seats and our solution has been that we do not leave our children with my mum until we have personally fitted the car seats ourselves. It is the only way and after months of this my mum does seem to finally be taking it all seriously and now arrives at our house with the seats in properly.

She does still insist on feeding them crap though and pretending she hasn't and brings them back late and over-tired. I think to a degree you have to accept some crap as part of the bargaining of babysitting but never ever compromise on safety.

Like Quintessential says, stress that traffic is more dangerous these days and that it is illegal to drive a child without a car seat properly fastened. Pointing out that it's illegal will underline that this not you being a bit precious, it's what everybody thinks these days.

If you really need her to look after ds when you're in labour, could you make arrangements for somebody else to take him there and to pick him up afterwards and drive him home, so he doesn't have to go in their car? Or at the very least, have somebody else fit the car seat in and just ask them to let it stay in the car while he is with them.

For political reasons, I would concentrate on the car seat only at this moment in time- if things were different, I would also let rip about the haircut. But bringing up several points often weakens the argument, so for now I'd stick to safety.

Your child = your rules.

The hair cut is a bloody cheek but the car seat is unforgiveable and I wouldn't let them take him out again or have him on their own until they learn to act like grown ups and grand parents.

When my parents pointed out that I survived not having a car seat in the seventies, I pointed out that the reason that there are long waits for donor organs now is precisely because car seats have stopped so many deaths, when there used to be loads. They couldn't really argue with that one.

well i'd go mental if any of these things had happened while my mum was looking after my ds
my mum looked after ds yesterday and left my back door open when then went out for god knows how long and i'd thought that was bad!

I can't get over grandparents who have this shitty attitude. It's like they are being stubborn. They see all these "new fangled" ideas like car seats (!) and modern ideas on feeding as some kind of personal slight on them, because they think that they did a perfectly good job of raising their kids without all this nonsense. It is so short-sighted and childish of them. Surely the most important thing is the safety of their grandchild - not their own bloody egos?

Surely they can swallow their pride and accept that THINGS HAVE MOVED ON! I know that if my own DD ever has kids of her own I will absolutely follow her rules, and support her 100%. It is about respect.

Sorry, but I think it sounds like your parents are very controlling, and are doing things on purpose to show you that they are still "boss". Like cutting your baby's hair without asking. How fucking dare they? I'd be fuming. I agree with a previous poster who said you should try to find a different babysitter. Not easy though, I know.

problem i'd have with fitting car seat myself is, with this attitude, how do you know they are strapping him in at all?

our car seats can be tricky to do up, i can see an impatient grandparent just deciding not to do it, since it was ok in their day

(and actually, you know what, it wasn't. they were lucky. Growing up in the 70s/80s, I knew several families who lost kids in road accidents)

They took liberties re: the haircut & they need telling how angry you are about that. I wouldn't let that go unsaid.

I would be fuming re: carseat. However, if your mum already commented on not knowing how it works, perhaps you or dp could have strapped it into the car for them?

I wouldn't worry about the lack of routine tbh, once in a while does no harm.

I just want to ask a question without seeming like I am picking... but why do you want so much support from others? People have children every day & manage without help from other people. My family live 40 miles away & I need to ask for help etc.. fair enough, my ILs will help as & when we need them to, but we never ask them unless an emergency.

I don't get people asking for help just so they can 'spend time together'.... but then it's up to you what you do...

If it were me I wouldn't go round for dinner anymore on a Sunday, esp as you say ds is ignored...what makes you think they don't ignore him when you aren't there?

tbh i wouldn't leave him with them alone again.

Blimey, WallOfSilence, that's a bit harsh. don't you ever want to spend some time alone with your DP? And I don't mean when the kids are in bed - I mean having lunch out together, or going shopping without a pram?

I'm lucky to have loads of help from my parents and brother/SIL, who both offer to babysit all the time. Of course I could manage without the support. But I am bloody glad I don't have to!

I completely "get" why the OP would want to spend some time with her DH. I think it would be abnormal if it were any other way.

Hi Bohemianbint, yanbu. Your child your rules. But if your parents are unable unwilling to stick to those rules, don't let them look after ds.

If it were my parents and dc...they would not get to look after dc again. Asking once is enough. Asking for confirmation of what you want, is really good. Completely ignoring and disregarding the parents wishes...who are the parents here, you and dh, or the grandparents??? Don't give them the opportunity to possibly harm ds again (re carseat) and don't give them the opportunity to hurt and anger you again.

I understand your concern re who looks after ds while you are in labour, a neighbour? A regular babysitter?

JetPeanut, yes, I do.

But I get a childminder or a babysitter.

I don't think grandparents have a duty to give us time alone. I don't think we're owed anything.

And I didn't say it to be harsh... I meant that lots of other couples manage without needing to beg people for help, but I am very sorry if I came across as harsh, that was not my intention.

I don't think I want "so much support". DS is 19 months old and since he was born DP and I have had 8 hours together out of the house together without him. Just a break would be nice. The only time we get together is at the weekend and childminders don't do weekends. Plus we just don't have the money to pay people at the moment, that's the long and short of it.

So we do manage with children, every day, just like everyone else. We never ask for help and we never get it. But sometimes life can get a bit dirgey and I don't think an afternoon off at the pictures is too much to ask from family who live nearby and profess to love us and DS. I don't think they owe us, but I know I would want to help my kids if they were knackered and fed up. And I would want to spend time with my grandchildren, even just now and again.

And actually, to be honest, after today, I am wondering if my mum is having some problems, and whether she drinks too much. I'm not sure she's dealing with her father's death so well. Just a hypothesis...

Sorry, but I agree with WoSilence.

My family live in Ireland, until DS went to school and I made some firm friends I never really had anyone I could leave DS with.

When he was your DS's age and we wanted time together we would walk the legs of him a mile sometimes two miles, then we would pop him into the buggy and arrive at a restaurant just as he was dropping off. We generally managed to get lunch together, sometimes expensive, sometimes just soup and a sandwich. But we did it without feeling that other people should be helping us.

I am not referring to yesterday, this is just a general comment.

Yes, I'd be fuming. Your mother does not respect you and her behaviour is very controlling. I've learned a lot about controlling people since having to deal with my family issues, and one characteristic of these people is turning up somewhere at a different time than agreed. Its sounds bizarre but its almost purposely designed to throw you off kilter, off balance so to speak and to keep you on your toes. Plus the haircut, plus spoon-feeding your son, plus the car-seat... PErsonally, I would stay away. As you say, not worth the hassle.