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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU snapping at my difficult SIL?

69 replies

orangehour · 22/10/2023 07:54

My SIL can be a difficult person and in the 8 years I’ve known her I’ve understood this and always followed the strict rules to not aggravate her. The family worries about her temper and grudges.
She has one child and is expecting her second. We have two, 4 and 1. Today they came to visit and immediately everything was wrong as usual. They didn’t want their daughter to participate in the games we’d set up. The food was wrong. I got lectures about how to care for my orange tree - she gave it to us 3 years ago and said she didn’t expect it to live this long.
She then said her family would not be seeing us on Christmas to keep her stress down while pregnant. I said maybe we could take her child to the park that day? No, they’re staying in alone. Well, fine. She said people keep trying to force her to accept help. I said she may need to accept help when the second baby comes. She said, ‘I’m not most people.’ At this point my blood boiled after 8 years of her looking down her nose at me, my housekeeping, my parenting, and I pushed her again and said it’s not just about her and her needs, she needs to think about her daughter once the new baby comes and let people into their lives. She then had a total meltdown and left in tears.
i feel I have ruptured their delicate family unit and interfered where I’m not welcome. At the same time, it’s been so long accepting her criticism and never taking back or even speaking honestly about the simplest things. Worried she won’t let me meet the baby when born. Worried I’ve set off her SVT (fast heart). What should I do now?? Apologise or stay back?

OP posts:
Mouthfulofquiz · 22/10/2023 07:56

She sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Could you contact your brother and see what is going on?

DustyLee123 · 22/10/2023 07:56

Go NC and save your sanity.
But to be fair to her, she doesn’t have to do anything or accept anything.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 22/10/2023 07:59

There is nothing more annoying than people trying to force you to accept “help” that you neither want nor need.

she might be as annoying as hell. But nor does she need to sort her family unit out according to your ideas / standards

Beautifulsunflowers · 22/10/2023 08:00

In the next week or do I would say stay back, give her space but also some space and time for yourself to have a break from her. She sounds hard work and you will never please people like that.
Is she your husbands sister? Or your brothers wife? In future get the other party to do the keeping in touch - ie:your husband or brother. Keep meetings to a minimum as unfortunately this will not be the last time you will be in this position.

Original poster
orangehour · 22/10/2023 08:01

These are good reminders and helpful. It’s just that she tells us about specific things that are hard, like running after her 4 year old, and we could give her a hand with that, but she doesn’t want us. She’s also planning to take her uni exams while in hospital after her c section.

OP posts:
Saggypants · 22/10/2023 08:02

You wouldn't let it drop would you? Neither of you sound great TBH.

DustyLee123 · 22/10/2023 08:03

I’ve learned from a, now dead, relative that some people want to moan but don’t want you to solve their problems. They enjoy the moaning. Shut down the conversation, and don’t let them drag you down.

ZekeZeke · 22/10/2023 08:04

Seems like this was brewing from your side.

You have upset your pregnant SIL who has SVT . You gave unwanted and unasked for advice and seemed to criticise her parenting.
Because she is difficult you felt that was justified.
Apologise and keep your distance from now on.
If SHE makes comments etc pull her up on that particular comment/issue/conversation.

Original poster
orangehour · 22/10/2023 08:05

These are good responses and I thank you all. In my heart I know I have a guilty conscience because I was wrong, just not sure how to get things back on track.

OP posts:
ChocolateCakeOverspill · 22/10/2023 08:05

She does sound annoying but to be fair, you were unnecessarily pushy. Why did her not wanting help make you feel triggered in relation to her past behaviour?

bclspia · 22/10/2023 08:06

She sounds hard work but personally I wouldn't pick the time when someone is pregnant and with a heart condition to have a go at her. You don't sound very nice either to be honest.

Original poster
orangehour · 22/10/2023 08:07

Do I apologise now do you think or give her some space?
yep, it was brewing, and yep, none of my business and yep, I am ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
Stormbabet · 22/10/2023 08:08

Honestly I wouldn't entertain her. I couldn't be on eggshells in my own home.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 22/10/2023 08:08

orangehour · 22/10/2023 08:05

These are good responses and I thank you all. In my heart I know I have a guilty conscience because I was wrong, just not sure how to get things back on track.

Apologise surely?

Explain that you thought you were being helpful but can now see that it was not helpful to keep pushing it when it was unwanted advice and you’re sorry. Then give her some space.

Mummy08m · 22/10/2023 08:08

She then said her family would not be seeing us on Christmas to keep her stress down while pregnant. I said maybe we could take her child to the park that day? No, they’re staying in alone. Well, fine. She said people keep trying to force her to accept help. I said she may need to accept help when the second baby comes. She said, ‘I’m not most people.’ At this point my blood boiled after 8 years of her looking down her nose at me, my housekeeping, my parenting, and I pushed her again and said it’s not just about her and her needs

Are you sure she is the difficult one, op? Why was it your place to lecture and hector her, and tell her what she ought to do when she will be newly postpartum? Because she's broken some family rule for not wanting to spend Christmas with you...?

Mummy08m · 22/10/2023 08:11

orangehour · 22/10/2023 08:07

Do I apologise now do you think or give her some space?
yep, it was brewing, and yep, none of my business and yep, I am ashamed of myself.

I'd send a very brief apology text that doesn't require a reply.

Hey sil, I was thinking about what I said and I think I was out of order, I'm sorry. Hope you're OK, speak soon

Hapshepsut · 22/10/2023 08:11

DustyLee123 · 22/10/2023 08:03

I’ve learned from a, now dead, relative that some people want to moan but don’t want you to solve their problems. They enjoy the moaning. Shut down the conversation, and don’t let them drag you down.

good friends listen, and support and don't give advice.

Nothing worse than people trying to jump in with solutions, when all you want is a bit of support as you explore the problems.

Hapshepsut · 22/10/2023 08:11

OP, to me, you sound like the difficult one, she doesn't want your help, why are you trying to force her?

Mummy08m · 22/10/2023 08:13

Also, please consider that yes she will need/want help but not from you. She is being polite by saying "don't worry I don't need help" when really she means "you trying to help is more stressful than helpful so I'm going to get help from elsewhere" (eg paid help etc)

LizzieSiddal · 22/10/2023 08:14

She does sound rather silly. Why the hell is she taking Uni Exams in hospital just after a C-section?

And she has no right to come into your home and critique you, so I can understand why she upset you.

Mummy08m · 22/10/2023 08:17

LizzieSiddal · 22/10/2023 08:14

She does sound rather silly. Why the hell is she taking Uni Exams in hospital just after a C-section?

And she has no right to come into your home and critique you, so I can understand why she upset you.

Not after my c-section, but after a different operation I was under bed rest for a week or two. I deliberately took on a double contract in advance for my second job (it's like proofreading) which saved my sanity. I have a photo of me in my hospital gown waiting for my op, doing work on my lap.

Not everyone is the same. Some people like to study/work to help their mental health. I think it's a great idea to stave off PPD

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 22/10/2023 08:20

Hapshepsut · 22/10/2023 08:11

good friends listen, and support and don't give advice.

Nothing worse than people trying to jump in with solutions, when all you want is a bit of support as you explore the problems.

Show quote history

See I disagree with this. I’d much rather someone give me suggestions / solutions than have to sit and talk about / explore it.

I avoid talking about stuff with some people because they want to be there for me and listen, they’re lovely people and I will happily be there for them in the way they need but I want to explain the issue, talk about a couple of solutions and move on.

So please don’t assume everyone wants to explore or they might feel they can’t talk to you.

Original poster
orangehour · 22/10/2023 08:20

I appreciate all these comments so much and will be taking them to heart and on board. I have to delete the thread as I will collapse with stress otherwise but that is not a reflection on your comments (the ones negative about me are pretty true).

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 22/10/2023 08:22

There's a saying that the behaviour trait we loathe in others is actually the one we despise in ourselves – and I think you've shown that during this row, OP! You say you hate that SIL lectures and looks down her nose at you, but you did exactly the same to her. She told you she didn't want help but you badgered her with a patronising attitude of you know better than her, just because you have two DC already. You're now criticising her choice to do her exams with a C-section. Honestly, you sound as bad as each other and should probably just give each other a wide berth going forward.

Palaver1 · 22/10/2023 08:22

I get what’s happened ...don’t apologise ignore and start your relationship again both of you will talk it through most probably set boundaries.
8 years of crap like this would make anyone spin.
i get it been there but stopped it pretty early
when I remember the times I’d beg to have the child over just because he was an only child
she just wouldn’t and the times he was over the drama
now my children there all in their 20s don’t have anything to do with him and he has become a lonely not confident young adult
I get you totally ignore her don’t offer anything don’t tiptoe around her,
let her come to you do not message an apology .

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