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Original poster

AIBU snapping at my difficult SIL?

69 replies

orangehour · 22/10/2023 07:54

My SIL can be a difficult person and in the 8 years I’ve known her I’ve understood this and always followed the strict rules to not aggravate her. The family worries about her temper and grudges.
She has one child and is expecting her second. We have two, 4 and 1. Today they came to visit and immediately everything was wrong as usual. They didn’t want their daughter to participate in the games we’d set up. The food was wrong. I got lectures about how to care for my orange tree - she gave it to us 3 years ago and said she didn’t expect it to live this long.
She then said her family would not be seeing us on Christmas to keep her stress down while pregnant. I said maybe we could take her child to the park that day? No, they’re staying in alone. Well, fine. She said people keep trying to force her to accept help. I said she may need to accept help when the second baby comes. She said, ‘I’m not most people.’ At this point my blood boiled after 8 years of her looking down her nose at me, my housekeeping, my parenting, and I pushed her again and said it’s not just about her and her needs, she needs to think about her daughter once the new baby comes and let people into their lives. She then had a total meltdown and left in tears.
i feel I have ruptured their delicate family unit and interfered where I’m not welcome. At the same time, it’s been so long accepting her criticism and never taking back or even speaking honestly about the simplest things. Worried she won’t let me meet the baby when born. Worried I’ve set off her SVT (fast heart). What should I do now?? Apologise or stay back?

OP posts:

strawberry2017 · 22/10/2023 09:23

She sounds like a bitch to me and it sounds like everyone panders to her. She's a grown adult she needs to act like one and not be such a child.

muggart · 22/10/2023 09:24

This thread is a good lesson to remind us to address issues as they come up not let them brew so that they come out later. You were rude and disrespectful to a pregnant lady with a heart condition who is under stress. You essentially told her she was not able to look after her future child and wouldn't let it drop. Maybe she has wronged you in the past but on this occasion you were not nice.

Passepartoute · 22/10/2023 09:25

I have to delete the thread as I will collapse with stress otherwise

It's not fair to start a thread only to get it deleted when convenient to you.

Allwelcone · 22/10/2023 09:47

op you sound a bit like me!

hold yourself to high standards

hold others to high srandards
maybe low self esteem
warm and caring people pleaser
really beat yourself up when you fell below these standards

So personally I'd apologise sooner not later, maybe even send flowers just so I could move on. In fact flowers or similarly seem ott but might be a bit of a re-set for you both. Hugs xxx

PumkinPetra · 22/10/2023 09:55

I am sorry to read you have a difficult SIL too. After putting up with mine for longer than i wanted, i grey rock now and quite frankly refuse to be around them. My mental health is wonderful now. No more treading on egg shells wondering if an innocent comment will be taken the wrong way and misconstrued. Life is great x

Birch101 · 22/10/2023 10:02

Stay back and if it's your brothers wife talk to him and if it's your husband's sister then let him do the talking.
All you can say if she needs any help she can ask. Offer playdates on a semi regular basis for their older childer. She's a grown up and quite rightly will have to accept to ask for help and if she can't then her partner will need to.
Personally 8 years of modifying my behaviour for someone else would do me in.

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 22/10/2023 10:03

You can have a c-section, manage the new baby and your older child, you know. Not everyone has family to rally round and you just get on with it.

Gloriously · 22/10/2023 10:15

@muggart 100% agree.

Nip things in the bud in the moment in order to continue to be civil and assertive.

This is mature emotionally regulation.

No need to tolerate or hold years of snipes which is unsustainable and you then over react.

Meniscus · 22/10/2023 10:16

Inkpotlover · 22/10/2023 08:22

There's a saying that the behaviour trait we loathe in others is actually the one we despise in ourselves – and I think you've shown that during this row, OP! You say you hate that SIL lectures and looks down her nose at you, but you did exactly the same to her. She told you she didn't want help but you badgered her with a patronising attitude of you know better than her, just because you have two DC already. You're now criticising her choice to do her exams with a C-section. Honestly, you sound as bad as each other and should probably just give each other a wide berth going forward.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Often the behaviours we find most annoying in others are because they remind us of ourselves. OP, you’re doing to her what you resent in her behaviour towards you.

AgentJohnson · 22/10/2023 10:22

It sounds like neither of you particularly like the other, that isn’t a crime. What is baffling is why you both pretend to. Let your H deal with his sister, simple.

jlpth · 22/10/2023 10:30

She sounds difficult. It’s hard to know whether she has severe anxiety or whether she’s just horrible. Or what really.

if she is your brother’s wife, then I would send an apology

if she is your husband’s sister, then I would ask him to deal with the situation and probably minimise future contact - let your h go see her alone. This is because you have had 8 years of difficulty.

I can see why you snapped after 8 years, however, the thing that you ended up snapping over was so minor that it was even hypothetical. The new baby isn’t born yet and no problems have arisen.

and probably accept that the cousins won’t be close.

Worddance · 22/10/2023 10:34

I think that what you have done is subtly bullying. You need to apologise. What you said is technically true but it was incredibly provocative.

Worddance · 22/10/2023 10:34

And there is absolutely no reason why it's selfish not to want help - you were just trying to get her rattled.

TheGooseDrankWine · 22/10/2023 10:38

You were in the wrong on this occasion by pushing it.

But this is the problem with ongoing tension, you finally snap but over the wrong thing.

We, generally, are not good at communicating directly or accepting others comments without taking things personally and building up resentment

Hopefully you can re-set things with her, and move forward, remembering that you don’t have to accept her criticism. She can say stuff, you can say pleasantly ‘it’s good that that works for you’ ‘sounds good, not necessarily our approach’ or even ‘interesting!’ But don’t take it to heart. Just view it as her opinion, her pov, to which she is entitled. If she directly criticises you give your opinion from your pov ‘it works for me because…’ ‘I see what you’re saying but I find that…’

Also, let her live her life her way. All you need to say, once, is ‘you know where we are if you ever need us’.

Redwinestillfine · 22/10/2023 10:39

You are Both as bad as each other. She criticises you you criticise her... Let her liver the way she wants to even if you think she should be doing it differently. I know she does the same to you. Maybe when you apologise to her point this out. ' Sorry I interfered and tried to push my way of thinking onto you. I realised when you left how you felt as I feel like that when you comment on my parenting/ how we run out lives. Maybe we could agree that we have the right to run our own lives the way we see fit and agree we can talk about what's going on on our lives without expecting any unsolicited advice or comments from the other'

BodegaSushi · 22/10/2023 10:52

She's much but why would she want to send her daughter off on Christmas Day?

PierceMorgansChin · 22/10/2023 15:10

Gloriously · 22/10/2023 08:33

I have to delete the thread as I will collapse with stress otherwise but that is not a reflection on your comments (the ones negative about me are pretty true).

You need to see a GP.

You sound brittle and precious.

😂brittle and precious 💖. I'm stealing it

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2023 19:09

boomtickhouse · 22/10/2023 08:29

Isn't the point that this is NOT necessarily true?!

I have 3 SILs and not one has ever babysat or done anything remotely useful. They have their lives, I have mine.

Maybe she has help elsewhere. Maybe the family is toxic and the knows the "help" comes with strings attached. Maybe she hates the OP's parenting & doesn't want her 4yo exposed to that on his own.

Show quote history

Well clearly she does as she's criticised the OP in the OP's home!

SiL doesn't come out of this covered in glory either!

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2023 19:09

Worddance · 22/10/2023 10:34

I think that what you have done is subtly bullying. You need to apologise. What you said is technically true but it was incredibly provocative.

After having been provoked

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