AIBU snapping at my difficult SIL?

[orangehour]

My SIL can be a difficult person and in the 8 years I’ve known her I’ve understood this and always followed the strict rules to not aggravate her. The family worries about her temper and grudges.
She has one child and is expecting her second. We have two, 4 and 1. Today they came to visit and immediately everything was wrong as usual. They didn’t want their daughter to participate in the games we’d set up. The food was wrong. I got lectures about how to care for my orange tree - she gave it to us 3 years ago and said she didn’t expect it to live this long.
She then said her family would not be seeing us on Christmas to keep her stress down while pregnant. I said maybe we could take her child to the park that day? No, they’re staying in alone. Well, fine. She said people keep trying to force her to accept help. I said she may need to accept help when the second baby comes. She said, ‘I’m not most people.’ At this point my blood boiled after 8 years of her looking down her nose at me, my housekeeping, my parenting, and I pushed her again and said it’s not just about her and her needs, she needs to think about her daughter once the new baby comes and let people into their lives. She then had a total meltdown and left in tears.
i feel I have ruptured their delicate family unit and interfered where I’m not welcome. At the same time, it’s been so long accepting her criticism and never taking back or even speaking honestly about the simplest things. Worried she won’t let me meet the baby when born. Worried I’ve set off her SVT (fast heart). What should I do now?? Apologise or stay back?

I think you pushed it to make a point and brought the matter to a head. I’d apologise (with absolutely no ‘but you did so and so…’ type justifications), and then grey rock any antagonistic response she gives to your apology.

I’d consider it a line in the sand though and would bluntly and unemotionally shut down any conversation with her in future that you’re not comfortable with. She can’t have it both ways.

Just wait til baby's born and she'll be glad of the help. She sounds a nightmare tbh

Isn't the point that this is NOT necessarily true?!

I have 3 SILs and not one has ever babysat or done anything remotely useful. They have their lives, I have mine.

Maybe she has help elsewhere. Maybe the family is toxic and the knows the "help" comes with strings attached. Maybe she hates the OP's parenting & doesn't want her 4yo exposed to that on his own.

I have to delete the thread as I will collapse with stress otherwise but that is not a reflection on your comments (the ones negative about me are pretty true).

You need to see a GP.

You sound brittle and precious.

You sound extremely similar actually. She was making a meal of things and picking fault but why were you interfering in what she needs? She wants a quiet Christmas before giving birth? So what? Why even comment? 'Ok then. I'm sure that'll be nice'. Pushy as hell. Don't be sending messages for the sake of saying something. If you want a better relationship, actually reflect on your role first because it wasn't great. She really isn't obliged to accept your help or see you at Christmas.

You were criticising her, regardless of anything else she does, and for that you should apologise. You literally told her she was damaging her child, and that’s not OK.

The fact she is having a baby, not just an operation, is quite pertinent to my comment.

Please hide the thread, I hope you’re ok.

I pushed her again and said it’s not just about her and her needs, she needs to think about her daughter once the new baby comes and let people into their lives.

Yes I think this was unreasonable. She didn't want your help, why did you keep pushing? And then you suggested that by not accepting your help, she wasn't thinking of her daughter?

why would she? I never wanted any help with my babies, and got annoyed with people who tried to force me to let them

@PixiePirate has it - do this.

Not sure if this will get posted but OP YANBU. Your SIL can dish out advice and criticisms but can take it in return.

Honestly I'd answer her snotty criticism of you in the same way that she does.

People like that drive me mad!

And I would reflect on your words that @WeWereInParis has highlighted.....v insulting to any mother.

You generally leave hospital 2 days after a c-section. Doing exams <48 hrs after giving birth does not sound like a recipe for exam success. What is happening to the baby in all of this? Assuming her DH will be looking after their older child.

@orangehour You just overstepped, you didn’t kill anyone or drown a kitten. Calm down and stop overreacting. Is SIL your brothers wife or your husbands sister? I’m guessing brothers wife as you both seem highly strung and he’s probably used to that kind of a woman…

Message today and apologise. Say you love seeing her wee one and spending time with them and we’re a bit disappointed at The idea of not seeing them at Xmas but that you respect their choices as a family. Remind her that your offer of help stands and always will But assure her that you will step back and let her come to you if she needs help. Finish on a positive and don’t be drawn in if her reply is negative or cutting.
When she is next “difficult” imagine you have a tennis racquet and “bat it back”
SIL “oh that tree needs blah blah, didn’t think it would survive this long tbh in your hands”
You- “Oh well, looks like we are doing something right as it’s still thriving- thank you so much for the suggestions though I will give them a go… it’s a lovely little tree though such a thoughtful present”

SIL- “I don’t want little Jenny playing these games today because I am a big old killjoy”
you- “no problem at all, she can watch Bill and Ben playing them, or would she like to do some colouring in?”

Everything bright and breezy and no issues to react to… be prepared and don’t take anything to heart. It she is tricky that’s on her. Be kind and accommodating… and recognise she is maybe just a little socially challenged. See it as you helping her out by accommodating her ways.

Honestly detach.

Don't invite her and her family over. Don't organise stuff let your DH do it if he can be arsed.

Stop trying to help her when she doesn't want it

"That sounds hard"
"Everyone is different"
"Well if you change your mind and do want help nearer the time let us know" (thenNEVER mention it again)
"Indoor plants can be fickle"
"Anyone want more tea?"
"I'm just popping to the bathroom"

I've had a c section too you know. My point is everyone is different and that doesn't make her silly.

She sounds like she enjoys stirring the pot, lobbing grenades to to cause tension. A better response re: Christmas would have been “That sounds like a good idea, I’m sure you’ll all have a lovely day”. If you’d done that, accepted her decision to spend the day as she wished the topic of taking her child to the park wouldn’t have arisen
Her knocking back your offer of taking her four year old to the park. “If you change your mind do let us know”
It’s up to her if she wants to take her exams after her C section in hospital. In all probability it won’t happen, however, if she does or she doesn’t it won’t affect you will it.

Just be up front and own your actions. Maybe send some flowers around.
In the future employ some of the great tactics listed above in order to deal with her

Why should you tiptoe around her. She's in your home. Tell her to leave and not come back.

Sounds like you have an issue with managing different or difficult people - where you are passive and then slip to aggressive.

We all have to manage difficult and different people - it’s called knowing and applying your boundaries. They can be direct - ie calling her out or indirect ie neutral but taking control and redirecting the conversation. What they are not is getting drawn in an reacting emotional by pushing others on their decisions on how they live their life.

Why would anyone hold 8 years of contempt?

Learn to be assertive, calm and detached.

The thing is, if you would've picked on any of the things where she was criticising you(the food,activities,tree care etc) then that would've been fine and understandable. However, you made an issue out of the one thing that has nothing to do with you and it's entirely choice. Which will make you look very unreasonable, even if it was a culmination of all the other little things.

Why do you want to help a person that's so difficult ,criticises you and you don't like anyways?

You just snapped at the wrong thing is all. If you’d instead done it about her criticism of the games/food/tree etc no one would consider you unreasonable.

But being pushy about giving her help, and suggesting that by not taking it she’s being a bad parent was a shit move.

Id give it time - because I think that while you should apologise- at some stage it may be worth mentioning the other behaviour - but you don’t want to do a “sorry not sorry” type apology.

She sounds like an overdramatic nightmare. Her poor partner and child, having to live with that!